CW:

My blood is pounding in my ears and my body is shaking with every step I take. I’m only barely aware of the street as I approach it, but even in my delirious state I still make sure to check the crosswalk. Through the tears I can make out the slowly blinking of red numbers and a blinking hand telling me that I should wait for the next walk cycle. I run across the street hiccuping and trying to take in any amount of breath that I can.

Behind me, I can barely hear my sister still, drowned out by the din of cars around us and the pumping of my blood in my ears. “Fuck! Slow down!” I don’t turn around, pumping my legs harder despite my body yelling at me to stop.

I tune out the world, ducking down an alleyway. My breathing is ragged and my limbs are yelling at me. I collapse into a relatively dry spot on the ground, next to a dumpster. My heart is still pounding and my breaths are quick and short. The tears are still flowing freely, stinging my eyes. I hiccup out sobs between quick breaths, crying messily while leaning my head against my hands in a dark alley.

“Callie?” I raise my head as I hear my sister’s voice calling out for me. I can’t stop myself from sobbing as I hear her voice, curling up into a pitiful ball. “Callie?” I pull myself out of my sorrow just enough to glance up at her.

Concern and guilt dance across her face. I tear my eyes away, feeling self conscious again. I continue sobbing, feeling absolutely disgusted with myself. Beside me, I can hear Erin slide down the wall to sit beside me. I feel her hand against my back, rubbing it gently. She traces circles against my back calmingly, not saying anything.

For several minutes I sit there, crying until there’s nothing left to cry. The whole time, Erin rubs my back silently, sitting there reassuringly the whole time. I only notice that I’ve stopped crying and I’m just sniffing quietly when she stops rubbing my back. I glance over at her, my emotions still warring inside me. I eventually turn to stare at my feet, the silence growing louder between us.

Erin is the first one to break the silence, however softly. “Callie, I-”

I interrupt her before she can go any further. “Don’t call me that.”

“What?” I turn to look at her and she’s furrowing her brow.

“My name… My name is… it’s not that.” I shudder gently as I try to explain.

She stares me down, our eyes locked. “But you can’t even- whatever, it’s not important right now, Cal then.” She sighs. I flinch slightly at that name, but I nod at her to keep going. “I’m sorry, okay?”

I scoff gently, flicking my eyes back to stare straight in front of me. “What are you sorry for. I’m the freak…” I mutter.

“What?” She grabs my shoulder gently. “Why do you think that?”

“It’s obvious isn’t it. Wearing makeup. And then I tried on girls clothes. You two were just toying with me right?” I turn on her, snapping. “Well nice job! It worked. I like makeup and dresses. Hope you’re happy with yourselves.” I push her hand off of my shoulder, turning bitterly to stare at my feet.

Erin is quiet for several moments before saying, “Callie…”

I stand up instantly, anger blinding me as I start to walk away. “Stop. Stop trying to make me her. I already know that I’ll never be her, don’t rub it in.” I hiss as I walk away. Erin hops to her feet, matching my pace.

Erin raises her voice as we get back onto the sidewalk “Calvin then. Is that who you want to be? My brother?” she challenges.

I stop moving, swiveling on my heel and throwing my arms out. “DOES IT MATTER WHAT I WANT. OR WILL YOU DRESS ME UP REGARDLESS, HUH?!”

Erin goes silent, guilt filling her expression. Eventually, she averts her eyes, tears welling up in the corners. “I was just trying to help, Cal. Penny too.”

I look at her, flabbergasted and still filled with rage. “Help me? You wanted to help me? By dressing me up and laughing at me?” I seethe.

She turns and glares at me, her eyes glistening with the beginnings of tears. “Laugh at you?! Sure, maybe it wasn’t right to ask you to dress up or whatever while you were still figuring yourself out. I’d understand if you were mad at the bet thing or whatever, but me and Penny have only been supportive of you!”

“Oh, well thank you for humoring your FREAK of a sibling.”

“Oh, for fucks sake Callie.” I start to interrupt her, but she talks louder to keep me from interrupting. “No, you idiot. You won’t even call yourself my brother. I’m not fucking humoring you, dumbass. I’m trying to help my sister figure herself out because she’s being a total bitch right now.” Erin shouts, tearing into me thoroughly. I can feel myself reflexively steeling myself in response to her statements, but I can feel her tearing at something raw underneath it all. She loses a bit of steam as she realizes what she’s just said. “Or my sibling, themself, they’re being a bitch or whatever.” she adds lamely. “Look, I’m really shit at this part, okay? Cut me some fucking slack.”

I grit my teeth, glaring at her. “So, what, I’m not good enough? You wish I was different?”

“Oh my god, you dumbass.” Erin says, glaring at me. “Yeah, I want you different. I want you to be fucking happy!” She throws her arms up into the air, looking away from me. “I mean fucking hell, have you seen yourself. You’re downright miserable. You hardly left the house before I invited you to that concert. This past week is the happiest I’ve seen you! Penny fucking loves you, and honestly I don’t even mind having you around on our dates. I enjoy you being there because you’re happy and Penny is happy having you there.”

She whirls around, pointing a finger in my chest. “And need I remind you that you asked me to do your makeup. I’ve been in your corner this whole fucking time, and I’m even out here trying to bring you to your senses because me and penny are really fucking sorry. We get it, okay? We fucked up. We prodded too much too soon. I’m sorry.” Her eye’s drop slightly and she drops her hands to her side, stuffing them into her pockets. “I’m really fucking sorry, okay?” her voice is almost a whisper at this point, but I’m focused on her words.

I let some of the tension out of my shoulders, my expression softening slightly as I feel emotions other than anger seeping into me. I reach out to grab her shoulder gently “Erin… You don’t need to-” she interrupts me and grabs my hand, looking me in the eye.

“I do, Callie. I really do.” She kicks at the floor, taking a deep breath. “Look, just accept my apology for fucks sake. I already feel like shit that I made you cry.” She looks about ready to cry herself.

I nod, looking her in the eye. “I… okay.” I say, turning back towards the street and continuing to walk. Erin wordlessly keeps pace with me, occasionally kicking rocks on the sidewalk as we come across them. She still looks like she’s about to cry, but she’s collecting herself better than I am.

After a block of silence, I can feel intrusive thoughts trying to sneak in again. Finding any answers inside the mess inside my mind feels impossible after only a couple of moments and I get overwhelmed. I glance over at Erin and see her looking up to the sky, lost in her own thoughts. I turn back to the ground for only a moment before making up my mind on what to do.

I clear my throat to get her attention before asking. “Erin, what’s wrong with me?”

Erin snorts lightly at that before responding. “There’s nothing fucking wrong with-" She glances over as I sniffle, "oh my god, look, nothing, okay? There’s nothing wrong with you. Well, maybe self confidence issues or whatever, but hey, join the club.”

“But…” I trail off, unable to find the words. “I’m… I’m a-”

“I swear to god, Callie, if you say freak I’m going to rip your head off.” Erin says exasperatedly. “Look, do you want to know what I think?” I nod, looking at her in fear. She sees me nodding and sighs before stopping to think. After a moment, she seems to find an answer she likes before continuing our walk, slower this time. “I think that you’ve got some serious gender shit to figure out that I’m super not qualified to help with. The most I’ve ever thought about my gender was when I was worried whether I had to be a boy when I realized I was into girls. Then I realized I was being stupid.”

I stop after hearing that, my brain working overtime to try and decipher the words she’s saying to me. She stops with me, watching me as I digest this. “Gender… shit?” I ask softly.

She sighs, shrugging with her hands still in her pockets. “Yeah, you know. Trans shit. I don’t know how else to say it,” her expression is exhausted as she looks at me.

“Trans shit...?”

“Jesus christ, Callie. Do I have to go through the queer ABC’s with you? Yeah, trans shit. I know that you know what it means because you know trans people. You know Marissa, she’s trans.” Erin’s tone is exasperated, but I can tell by her body language that she’s being incredibly patient with me right now.

I look away into the middle distance. I do know trans people. “But, I’m not… I can’t be…” Erin raises an eyebrow at me, so I gulp down the lump in my throat and finish the sentence. “I can’t be trans. I would know, wouldn’t I?”

“Uh, no? I think the whole point is that at one point they didn’t know.” She looks at me pointedly as she says that. I stare at her, bug-eyed. “Look, I don’t even know how much of this I should be saying. You should be figuring stuff out yourself or whatever. Me and Penny even talked about like, letting you take your time and only helping you experiment or whatever.” Erin pulls her hands out of her pockets to do air quotes.

I can feel myself getting a little dizzy at that, my head spinning from confusion. “This is a lot to take in…” I say, looking around for somewhere to sit. I walk off of the sidewalk and over to a low concrete wall, sitting down on it. I look over to find Erin rolling her eyes while she finds a seat next to me. She returns to rubbing my back, an action I’m incredibly grateful for. It centers me a bit, just enough to keep me sane. I cross my arms across my chest, curling in on myself.

“Callie?” I look to the side to see Penny jogging towards the two of us. I curl into myself tighter, feeling more useless and hopeless than before. Penny having to see me like this is almost too much to bear. Tears threaten to brim my eyes once more. “Callie, are you okay?” her voice is filled with concern as she takes a seat next to me on the concrete wall.

I take a couple deep breaths, wiping my eyes free of tears. Her hand lands next to Erin’s, both of them rubbing my back. “I… I’m…” I start to say, but I can’t even lie effectively. “No. Probably not.”

“Mmm, yeah.” Penny says, looking me over. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a few wipes. “Look at me for a second, Callie?” I turn to her and she starts wiping my face aggressively, rubbing at my cheeks and then more carefully around my eyes. Holding the wipe up to me after she’s done, I can see tons of makeup previously on my face now on the wipe.

“Oh… I probably looked like shit, huh…” I sigh. I cringe inwardly at the thought of now not having that small amount of makeup on.

“Yeah, crying tends to get a little messy,” she admits, wrapping the wipe up gently before putting it back into her purse. “I’m sorry, by the way.”

I look over to her, still half lost in thought. “For what.”

She looks away from my gaze guiltily. “For asking you to wear what you did. It… wasn’t right of me.” I reach out for her other hand gently, the one not scratching my back, pausing briefly before I grab it.

She notices my hand hovering, looking up to me. “Can I…?” I ask gently. She nods and I take it, squeezing it gently. “It’s okay. You seem to know more about what I’m going through than I do.” I shrug.

She shakes her head, “even still, I think I went too far. We both did.” she stops scratching my back, switching the hand she’s holding mine with and leaning back slightly. “How much did Er say?”

Erin stops scratching my back, taking my other hand gently. I squeeze her hand, giving her a look of thanks. She just nods, continuing to stare forward. “Um, a lot of stuff. She said that you think I might be, um… trans.”

“Ah. Yeah… Sorry. You know, what we think really doesn’t-”

“No, it’s… it’s fine. I think- I don’t-” I take a breath, squeezing both of their hands gently. “You might be right. I don’t know, I’ve never really thought about it.”

I look over at Penny and she can only nod in response. Together, the three of us sit there for a while longer. Traffic rushes past in front of us and I lose myself in my own thoughts. I sigh, kicking my feet absently. This is too much to think about right now and I’m still caught up in my emotions.

“You know,” Penny says after a while. “Whatever you end up deciding or wanting to try… We’re here for you. At your own pace this time.” I nod slowly, still trying to digest everything.

I hop off the concrete wall, letting go of both Erin and Penny’s hands. “Um, I think I’m a bit done with shopping today…”

Erin shrugs, “I got my strings, so I’m already good.”

“I don’t need anything else.” Penny says. I let out a breath, letting the tension in my shoulders drop. “Do you want to go back home and rest? I could head back to my apartment if you want. Or I could join you two and we could find a movie or something?”

I smile at that, nodding gently. “I think I’d like that. So long as you’re okay with it, Erin.”

She ruffles my hair gently. “I’m fine. As if I would say no to my girlfriend coming over.” She smirks.

“Guess we gotta go pick up the car then.” I say, looking around. It’s only now that I realize I don’t exactly know which way the mall is.

Penny takes my hand, tugging me along gently “I parked it in the parking lot nearby. Erin told me where you two were.” Erin takes Penny’s hand on the other side.

Relief fills me as we get closer to the car, Penny’s hand gripping my own securely. I squeeze her hand gently, causing her to glance back at me. Her eyes search my own with concern and I just nod back to her. She smiles back at me with another squeeze before continuing in the same direction.

Tomorrow I can think a little harder on what I’m gonna do. For now I’ve had enough feelings today and I just want to chill with my girlfriend and my sister. Maybe I can convince them to stop by the store and pick up some popcorn beforehand.

Wistful-Shiver

And another chapter. Writing is rough after vacay, gonna take a bit to get into the swing of it. Hope you enjoy this at least as heavy as it is. Next chapter will be a time skip and then back to some lighter stuff. Let me know if I missed any important CW's, I feel like I'm missing something, but I can't be sure.