I woke up with tears in my eyes once again, having gone through my mother’s death, like it only happened yesterday.

“Oh, my dear child, why are you like this? Why? I should have taken better care of you!”

I felt my hair being moved from my face and someone holding my hand.

Looking at my father, then that of the room I was in, I realized I wasn’t in the slave’s quarters at the moment.

“You were right…I have to let you go!”

Seeing my father look at me with such sadness, made me look away once again.

I did not feel very good right now and for some reason, his sadness didn’t make me feel better…It made me feel worse…Much worse…

“If you stay…Well, I’m just glad that you have somewhere to go, my child. Even though it will be war, it might be safer then here…I have said that you are going, so she won’t touch you now. You can stay here until you are better, we can talk about how you will be a male and I will send you off. You don’t need to do chores anymore, you just stay…Stay here and get better. Let me take care of you.”

My mind felt hazy, so the words were only slowly going through to me. What I took in before his words, was instead his dishevelled face and how he said those words. His broken voice and sad eyes made me really start to wonder…

Finally, the words…

When he had said that I could go and finally understood, I let a small smile come out and a small nod.

Thank you!

I was still worried he was going to change his mind, but he hadn’t!

Thank you!

“Oh child! I’m so sorry!”

He tightened his hold over my hand and put his hand to my hair again.

Someone walked in and quietly said, “They accepted and said that they will see you the next day.”

I saw my father look up at him and nod, “Very well, and what about Lieutenant Black?”

“Their times have not changed for meeting the new recruits, the letter to him has been sent.”

My father looked at me and gently smiled, “Lieutenant Black will be your commanding officer when you enter the army.”

It was happening!?

This was real!?

I gave a slight nod and felt like crying once again.

He really said I was going?

I was so glad…So very glad!

“Neil?”

I looked up to see my father looking at the other man in the room, whom smiled and said, “I’ve relayed the fact of what’s happening, and he is willing to protect her to the best of his abilities.”

“Thank you, Summers, I am in your debt!”

‘Summers’ smiled back at him and then nodded in my direction, “Will she be ready to leave by then?”

My father sighed and looked at me also, “Even if she isn’t, she has to be.”

 

***

 

In the next two days, I was extremely busy.

Even though I was in bed most of the time, in ‘Summers’ place, I was told many things about men and war.

Men will say many things that a lady should not hear, men will also act differently, again, act differently to that of a lady…

I was told that I should not take things to heart and beware that I should always go to the latrine alone.

And what I heard about war…

It was a lot scarier than I had thought…

They told me that blood will be seen very often, even though I will be more of a stable hand or an assistant, I will still see it. That I will most likely have to help patch wounds up and that I must not go into hysterics!

I might see people without limps, with cuts and dead bodies. I will have to sleep outdoors and be careful of wildlife.

Now, that I was being told of all these dangers, the danger involved seemed a lot more scary then one first thought.

I remembered how I didn’t care what the dangers were, and that I would have done anything to go, so I put up a strong facade and nodded.

I didn’t change my mind, I still wanted to leave…I just wish that it wasn’t as dangerous as they say it was going to be…

 

I met Neil, whom will travel as my steward, and my father told me that my name had turned into Lorrie, instead of Malory. I was now placed into the family ancestral and had become the youngest male offspring from Lord Billings.

Since I was illegitimate, my father told me that my story is that I’ve been in hiding all this time and that he was going to act as though he won’t like me.

Not understanding why he had to go to this extend, he tried to explain it, but it didn’t make much sense.

It had something to do with Lady Billings and her family, that they were related by royal blood or something and he didn’t have to heart to completely finish his ties with not just her but his son and other daughter as well.

I stopped listening after a while, thinking that I was a lost cause when it came to my father anyway. My mother did come after Lady Billings, ‘seducing’ the husband…

Perhaps that was the fault of my mother’s…

Not only that…Barbarian…

That could be a very big reason why I was bullied a lot…Why my mother had died the way she had…

I tried not to think beyond that and just be happy that I was getting away.

What my father was doing was fine, I don’t need him to get rid of his family for me. I want to leave…And I wanted to do it on my own free will!

 

I had not heard of anything from Lady Billings since that night, and I was very thankful for that. I was also feeling very weird that, even though I was weak and tied, I was not working.

I was also given a whole heap of makeup that would last years, to cover my scar. I had never dreamed of a day that I would receive something like this before!

Straight away I got into covering my scar and took off the mask!

I gave the mask to my father…He seemed to understand, even if I didn’t quite understand myself, about why I gave it to him and what kind of sentiment it had.

With all this, and two days, I really did feel a heap better already, by having so much time to be able to lay down all day!

Having been hurt prior to today, I would not get as much time off then this!

It really was strange that having a little of being doted upon can make you feel so very good!

My father came to see me very often and even feed me food! And the food! It was so much better! I could see and taste the huge difference from that of a slave and…Whatever I was now!

I was given some books to read and shown male clothes that I would be wearing when I left to be in the army. I was also given one item of my mother’s that my father had kept all these years. It was a rock necklace…

It reminded me of what my mother would give me sometimes, because the rock was not really anything spectacular like the presents that she had given me…

“Do you remember why your mother would give items such as these?” My father asked me, as he put the necklace on me.

I shook my head.

So much had happened since the times I spent with my mother and I could not honestly quite remember. I just knew that, even though the gifts were very common things, they were special for one reason or another.

My father pulled back and looked at the rock, “Sarasa was a barbarian and had come with me with nothing. With each item, she would have some kind of story and meaning. This rock…She had this rock in her hand when she first met me…She said that it was a special rock because it brought me to her.”

 

I hadn’t heard many stories of my father, and this one, I didn’t really understand either. I wanted to know more on how my parents had met and more about what happened between them, but I still didn’t have the confidence to speak.

I was still worried that this was a dream, that at any moment, I would wake up and have to go to work, be bullied and become weaker…

Of course, they had known that I hadn’t talked, but they still wanted me too, even now…

My father looked up at me and put down his hand, “And Sarasa gave me you.”

…I didn’t know how to respond to that. My life didn’t feel like it was anything special, but that was how he made it sound.

I looked down and tried to pretend that I had never heard him.

If I start trusting or having faith in him, then I would fall deeper into the black vortex if he were to hurt me again…

I wasn’t ready for that. I was far from being ready for that…I had been trying to crawl out of this vortex for ages, but only falling deeper and deeper inside it instead…

“I know I have not been a great father, but there was something that I was never able to say, because of Lady Billings and her family…And that was, that I love you the most Malory. You and your mother…Always.”

He touched the rock necklace once more and then leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. “I love you, my child.”

It was at this time that I saw his hand. I didn’t reach out to touch it, but I knew it was sore.

I didn’t question what happened to make his knuckles bleed the way they were, even though they had been covered in a bandage…I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know…

With this in mind, I was still complexed and conflicted to how I felt about my father. He was not what I thought he was, but I still didn’t know if it mattered…

I had always wanted my father’s love. At one time, I thought I would get it when he came back when I didn’t know who he was, but then I thought I’d never receive it when I knew who he was…

But…Right now…

He was here, right beside me. Right now, at this very moment, he was by my side and for some reason, it was enough for me to feel my eyes start to get blurry…

Suddenly, I felt myself springing up and jumping into his arms!

Did he mean it? Does he really love me?

 

“Oh, my dear child!”

My father’s arms wrapped around me tightly and I let out a small sob.

Just for this moment, I let him be my father. I wanted to hug my father and have him soothe me! Just this once!

Starting to cry, I felt hopeless to myself, thinking of all the bad things that had happened to me.

My mother’s death, the bullying, being a slave and unable to live as his daughter…

I cuddled him tighter, wanting to show him of my heartache, my endurance. I wanted him to know that I had worked so hard to get here today!

With tears streaming down my face, I felt a release that I had not ever felt before. For all the grievances that I had faced, I felt like I was able to let them go. Perhaps be able to start fresh…

It was so strange…That at this very moment, I just wanted my father. Just like this…

He patted me and rocked me, only making me cry more for the pure neglect of it all these years.

I didn’t know how much time passed, but as I slowed down, and my cries became light sobs, I felt myself drift into sleep, absolutely deflated and empty.

That was the first time that I let out all my sorrows…And it was the first time that I willingly held my father…

Since I was in such a dead sleep, I never woke up when my father gently put me back down and covered me with a big, warm blanket…Because, for the first time in a long time, I was in a deep, dreamless sleep…

 

***

 

It was time to leave…Leave the Billings residence. Leave the bullying, the hate, the black vortex of nothing, the status of slave, the endless tiring days of work…I wanted to leave all the bad things here.

Having decided that my life was going to be fresh, I didn’t want these bad memories and feelings to follow me…I even wanted to think that there were instead someone else’s life, somebody else’s memory…

…My father did give me one more precious gift though…And that was candy…

I had it stashed in amongst my packed clothing, but I did see that it was several different types of candy that I had never tasted before in my entire life. But…I wasn’t particularly sure why he gave them to me, and I didn’t want to speak, so…I stashed them with my clothes, even thinking that I will take them on my person wherever I go…

I was pretty sure that I couldn’t consume them, because…Me, consume something as grand as candy was a dream. They had to be for another reason!

After I had dressed and got ready to leave the residence, even though I hadn’t fully recovered yet, my father didn’t stop reminding me of everything that I had been told in the last two days, until we made it to where all the newcomers were meeting up with Lieutenant Black.

In the carriage, my father looked at me but didn’t say any more words, he’d completely stopped talking now…

I looked back at him and his eyes were sad.

I tried to smile, but I also knew what was going on. I knew I was leaving.

The residence was out of sight now and when I knew I wasn’t going back, I had sighed in relief.

But now…

Reaching forward, my father took one of my hands in his and then kissed it. “I wish…”

Not hearing anymore after that, I sat there, not knowing what to do.

I watched him let go of my hand, stand up and kiss me on my forehead, “It’s time to go, my dear.”

That was when I was reminded of all the talking outside. It sounded like quite a number of people were saying their goodbyes and what not…Just like we were…

I got up and my father turned back to me, just before getting out, and said, “Stay close to Neil and come back alive!”

Then, he was out…Making me only able to follow him into the sunlight that was outside of the carriage.

 

Neil and I had not spent too much time together, but he seemed like a normal boy. He was two years older then me and originally was not going to go into the army. Neil’s father is the man that my father calls ‘Summers’ and has sent Neil for the sole reason of protecting me, so I did feel like I could trust him…I just felt bad that he had to join the army and go to war for me.

He had told me not to look at him like that, as though he knew I pitied him, but then he said that he wants to go and even though the sole reason was to protect me, he did have other reasons.

I wanted to ask what they were, but he just turned and smirked, like he was holding onto some sort of secret.

I don’t want to know…I don’t want to know…

Sighing, I still did not speak…Which, unknown to me, was strangely his reason to do what he did. His secondary objective was to get me to speak again…And with that trick, it hadn’t worked!

Actually, he was one of the few people that knew how much Lord Billings adored this daughter of his.

He had been there that night, when Lord Billings had continuously hit a tree, having hurt his hand in the process.

After he fell against the tree, he had cried like you’d never seen a man cry before…

Not long later that night, he told us…Told us that Sarasa had been killed by his wife.

He had laughed a bit crazily then, saying that he wished it wasn’t true, that even if she had suicided, it would have been better then to have been killed by his wife. That since Malory had seen it…That maybe that was the reason why she went mute…Neil saw how much this hurt Lord Billings just by the way he spoke, not adding to how much emotions his face held at that moment.

Having taken his father ‘Summers’ by the shoulders afterwards, Neil saw Lord Billings say, with a lot emotion, that Malory is the only thing left now of Sarasa and he was not willing to lose her!

Neil knew then, that he must do what he could to protect Malory, protect her so that she’ll return to the Lord! And, he had added the extra want of trying to get her to talk once again. He was sure Lord Billings would be so happy to know that she would say even one word…

 

I didn’t know why they were so keen to protect someone like me, when I had lived so much of my live without it, but I still did not speak about it…Or anything. I didn’t want to believe it was about me, that perhaps it was to look good or something, which was something easier for me understand…

Since Neil and Steward Summers had seen my face with make up before, they weren’t surprised with my face…

But…When I looked around, I felt like I was back at the Billings residence because a few people were staring at me.

My face still had a small amount of child fat on it, so I wasn’t practically beautiful like a woman, so I assumed it was because I was never seen before because people asked who I was.

This was what my father told me about, it was part of their plan.

Since I hadn’t really been seen by anyone before, then I should be overlooked easily.

I watched as my father did as he said he would and act as though I wasn’t wanted.

I didn’t like it, but he had told me a few times that it was going to happen. He told me to silently say everything he says in the opposite version and that is what he means.

“It’s ok if I don’t see him again.”

“I won’t even worry if he gets hurt.”

Does that mean that it’s ok to see him again? That he will worry if I get hurt?

Did he really mean to think the opposite of what he says?

He really was convincing, making other people look at me curiously and then sneer as though it was my fault.

I don’t quite understand how he is saving his reputation by doing this, but I wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize it. I was leaving, so I guess I was getting what I wanted…

Standing there, next to Neil and another steward that had worked mostly in harvesting crops and chopping down trees, we waited for my father to finish.

 

This other steward didn’t know of my identity, actually I had no idea that Lady Billings complied with a few things that Lord Billings had asked her to do, which was that she had made it public within the residence herself, to save her own son’s place of going to war. She even let her family know about the new offspring that had been kept a secret all this time, but since she made it sound like I was hated, even by my father, and that I was taking Mister Mason’s place in the army, Lady Billings family didn’t seem all that upset…

But, I had no idea of these things and if I did, I wouldn’t go into much detail about them…Considering that I didn’t speak to begin with…

So, with this ‘play’ from Lady Billings, the other steward, who I didn’t even remember the name of, thought I really was an illegitimate son from Lord Billings and gave me nothing. He did not even look at me…

When my father turned to leave from talking to an officer, having showed his ‘play’, he looked at all three of us, lingering his sight on me for an extra moment, and then nodded, “Do your duty and save our country!”

“Yes, my lord!”

The two men easily answered him, and I nodded, then he slowly walked away.

I looked back at him once, to see him looking back at me, his eyes showing a great pain, making me turn back around…

I was now free from slavery and the household that had made living a hell for me…There was no way I was going to get back into that carriage, my future didn’t allow it!

Because, if I stayed at the Billings residence, there was no future for me!

I only had one path, a path that no longer said that I was a slave…And I was going to endure this path to the bitter end!

I was completely willing to hide my gender, to see blood and dead bodies…

Because now…I was free!