The beginning
All I did was go out to play, "What did I ever do wrong?? Why, why, why me?!!. it's not fair.... Mum, dad, please wake up!" On my knees I sobbed as I watched from afar my dying parent's in a pool of blood.
It was a lovely day like any normal day for me, but who would have known that it was the beginning of my suffering.
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Mum, dad, and I were in the castle in the kingdom of Asteria.
Asteria is a floating kingdom in the skies that was filled with peace and joy. Everyone in the kingdom was happy after the war against other kingdoms had ended and their new king brought peace.
Mum gave birth to two little twins; one was Aurianna and the other Leyla. Aurianna has a pair bright blue eyes with lovely blue hair, while Leyla has red flaming hair with bright blue eyes as Aurianna, both small and fragile.
I was watching them as they slept and saw a white glass stuck to their chest.
"Mum, what is that on their chest?" I asked.
"My dear child, that is a diamond, a gem, the proof of you girls being the next generation of goddesses," she answered with a sweet smile.
"Umm, mum what does that mean?" I stared blankly.
"Mum is pretty, so staring at her was kind of a usual thing, she's extremely beautiful. I'm going to be as beautiful as her when I grow up." I told myself.
"You also have one," She pointed at my chest.
I looked down.
"Oh!!, this gem has stuck to my chest since I was a baby." I said looking at her while pointing to it, "What is it?"
"It's a black Diamond gem," She replied again.
"What's that too?" I asked, being curious again.
Giving a sigh, she said, "This conversation wouldn't be understood if you keep asking me so many questions, dear." She laughs, "Well then let me tell you about a lovely fairytale about Diamonds."
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A long time ago there were ancient beings called Diamonds, they had powers that were able to match that of an Arch god. They were beings created at the beginning of life and are still believed to still exist.
My eyes lighted up as she started the tale, "Wow so cool!!!" I exclaimed.
Yes!!, they were the siblings of a great Divine Deity. There were the twelve elite diamonds that held different types of powers to control universes.
The White Diamond of light and peace,
The Yellow Diamond of lightning,
Red Diamond of wrath and fire,
Blue Diamond of Sadness and seas,
the Orange Diamond of flames and passion,
Violet Diamond of Glory,
Grey Diamond of revolution and knowledge,
Green Diamond of life and salvation,
Pink Diamond of purity and protection (twins),
Purple Diamond of Creation.
There were also evil goddess's like the Black Diamond of chaos and calamity, and Black Diamond's rival the Golden Diamond of all Elements.
These beings supported the foundation of Creation and the different Dimensions that held all kinds of lesser gods, which they ruled over to make sure no one disobeyed the laws of the gods.
After the Diamonds above there were lesser Diamonds, but we'll talk about them later as the story continues. For now let's keep them as a mystery.
Even though these diamonds were supposed to help one another, they never got along with each other.
The White Diamond of Light, a beautiful Diamond Goddess with long lovely white eyelashes, with long crystal white hair, and slim in posture, lovely small lips and sparkly white eyes with a Diamond crest in her pupils and wearing a lovely evening gown.
White Diamond is a smart and wise Diamond who always fulfills her duties, however she always had a very selfish behavior of looking down on others. That behavior did not allow her to inherit the position given by The Great Deity to lead the rest of the Diamonds and lesser gods and Beings.
On the other hand, Purple Diamond inherited that position called the Divine Ruler.
White was then Jealous of her sister the Purple Diamond.
A lovely young girl with purple sparkly eyes like the sky, and long eyelashes, beautiful curly long hair with a dignified look of a wise Queen.
Purple Diamond always made wise decisions that would benefit both the Diamonds and the other beings, so that they would all be able to live in harmony.
White Diamond was Jealous of Purple's powers and Purple herself.
Everyone praised Purple Diamond for every little thing she did and all the angels loved her.
After all the tasks and duties that White completed by herself felt useless because even though she completed her work and helped so many people, she was never acknowledged nor were her accomplishments praised.
"Purple was just an insignificant and dumb brat who does nothing." Well, that's what White always thought to herself about Purple. "Why her and not me? I'm the Diamond of light; I Should be the one they all love; I hate her, I hate her for being better than me, I hate her for being the Leader of all the gods, I wanted that position, I worked harder than her for that position. They should have chosen me!!"
"I'll never forgive her for what she has done. I'll make her regret stealing what was mine!!."
Hatred grew deeply inside White's heart. For all she has done for the Diamonds, this is how they repay her. You may expect White to think of killing her sister, but no! as the Diamond of Peace she is unable to kill anyone because of her affinity PEACE.
Diamonds had the ability to share their affinity, but the Purple Diamond never showed them how to use her powers, because if Creation falls in the wrong hands it could lead to disaster.
The White Diamond was filled with greed for power. She wanted the power that was never heard of, she wanted to be above all of them, she did not get why her sister the Purple Diamond must rule over them.
Purple Diamond was a peaceful ruler who loved all being both demons, angels, and humans.
She did not force them to worship the Diamonds, but let them have their own way, the White Diamond became frustrated and could not take it anymore.
She lived with the mindset that humans and the other beings were lesser than them and are supposed to be ruled strictly by the Diamonds in addition Purple Diamond was being foolish.
The reason why White Diamond knew Purple Diamond was a fool is that, as they were in the heavens, she looked at the Worlds down below to see if there was anything interesting. However, she found something different.
She watched as those lesser beings mocked the Diamonds for being foolish, for not enforcing rules on them, and how they freely got whatever they wanted from Purple Diamond when they asked for something. She became furious by their words.
They had no respect for those who created them but always came to the Diamonds when they needed something, like money, powers, healing and when there were no resources like water or food and so much more.
It started with these little deeds that lead to bigger ones.
There was a day a strange human asked the Purple Diamond for immortality and she granted it to him Eternal Life.
White Diamond was furious with Purple Diamond's foolish act of kindness and couldn't take it anymore. Pure Rage slowly grew deep inside of her, but she couldn't lose herself for she was the Diamond of Peace.
One day as White went to the enchanted library to find the heavenly records (books about all creations, beings, and about the life and death of others and their history) a grand and majestic place filled with endless records and books.
The walls were made of clusters of stars and the books were filled with high knowledge and endless magic. The library has such a fragrant and enticing smell, which makes you feel so relaxed.
White Diamond always goes there to relax herself and that was her peaceful place.
She took all the records she needed and sat down on her favorite white chair made of comfortable clouds with bright and colorful crystals with a purple energy ball above her.
As she read quietly in the endless halls of books, she saw the Black Diamond from a meter away staring at her.
Black Diamond is actually a goddess who did not like to partake in people's matters. She was someone who was always doing nothing and was given the title A Lazy Goddess.
She barely did any of her tasks assigned to her and always disappears.
Her laziness wasn't her only flaw, because the other Diamonds tend to stay away from her due to her chaotic aura. All those who would go near would be affected by her chaotic aura that makes them go mad.
She has long black silky hair, with angelic black wings, and a fair but wicked appearance, with beautiful long legs, and possesses a pair of bright and intelligent black eyes with a Diamond crest in her pupils.
"Oh my dearest White," Black Diamond snickered as she came walking up to White.
"What do you want? just get to the point," White Diamond looked at Black Diamond looking annoyed. "I know you don't talk to anyone unless you have reasons."
"Oh my, how rude!!, all I want to do is talk to my dearest sister," Black Diamond mumbled with a fake cry as she appeared pitiful.
"Nothing good happens once Black is around. I should better stay away from her so that her Dark Aura doesn't affect me," White Diamond thought to herself.
White Diamond then got up and teleported to the other side of the library with her books.
"Finally peace and quiet," she said smiling as no one was to be seen.
The Diamonds library isn't your average library. It's almost as huge as the space people occupy on earth and even grows as more knowledge is brought there.
Before White could finish the second page of the book she spotted Black Diamond staring at her from one of the floating library shelves, as her eyes were dark.
"Uggh!! I can never tell what a Diamond like her is thinking." White thought to herself, as anger veins popped up on her skin.
"What do you want Black? make it quick, I don't have all the time for you as you can see I'm busy."
"Oh well, do you know that when a Diamond kills a Diamond they can inherit the title of the dead one? I am not saying anything wrong, but if you kill the Diamond of Creation which is Purple Diamond you might inherit her title and rule over all the Diamonds," Black stated with a smirk on her face.
"What is your goal?" asked White with a frown.
"Nothing, I just love these kinds of things you guys do, so bye." Black laughed as she disappeared into the mist.
After Black was done Black mixed with a Dark red Aura appeared on White Diamond's body as a curse.
Then White's thoughts were being altered.
"Maybe this was what I felt Diamond felt all this time, to kill the Purple Diamond then I can finally be the ruler over the Diamonds; I would be the most powerful amongst all the races. I can even be the ruler of all dimensions."
"Yes" Whispered a Black aura in White Diamond's head.
"You would be the ruler; You would become all-powerful, all you need to do is kill all your pesky siblings and take their Diamonds to become yours." Said the Dark Aura as it Whispered these into White's thoughts with an evil smile.
White laughed with a crooked smile as she left to research more about all her sisters and brothers' weaknesses.
And at another side of the library, Black Diamond was observing white Diamond from afar.
"Don't worry White Diamond, your dearest sister would support you," she whispered sarcastically.
"All you needed is just a little push," she said as she stretched out her hand.
"I guess Dark corruption still works after all."
A black curse appears on her hand as a shape of a crystal.
"I guess I have to remove traces of the corruption," she chuckled as she waved her hand, then the corruption could not be seen.
Dark corruption
A spell that causes madness for those who are exposed to it would not be in their right senses, which makes them do irrational things. It's more like a spell that Black Diamond can use to control people.
"I would like to see how the Diamond world falls, such a wonderful and spicy entertainment".
"This may be a good way to get rid of that pesky Golden Diamond," Black Diamond giggled as she gave an evil smile. She then disappeared into the shadows.
Should you tag Antihero Protagonist?
Ok. Just started reading this. I have a few things to say in terms of tips, but... where to begin?
Right. This is going to get long, so I am going to divide this up under spoiler tabs.
I would say one of the most crucial issues in this chapter is that you are struggling to keep it in only 1 "voice." It keeps shifting from 3rd person narration in a creation-myth voice, to 1st person POV perspective in the voice of the character.
For this one point, since we are exchanging reviews anyway, I will point you to my world bible which I wrote as a companion book to my world, giving my creation myth as a separate optional text that is not part of the main story.
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/357599-key-to-the-void-world-bible/chapter/357603/
There is another issue early in the chapter where you are breaking the 4th wall quite a few times, in a manner that doesn't sound very intentional. The telling of the story sounds as though you are directly speaking to the audience, which does somewhat break the immersion. Things like the talk about the lesser diamonds, and that statement of "but we'll talk about them later as the story continues. For now let's keep them as a mystery."
You specifically mention the term "as the story continues." If you were to talk about the lesser diamonds later in this same chapter, you could have passed that off as part of the story the grandmother is telling the perspective character from the beginning. However, you don't, which means this phrase could only have been there as a 4th wall break that was addressed directly to the audience. This is not something you should ever do unless it is a very conscious stylistic choice in which you know exactly what you are trying to accomplish. I did not get the impression you had such an intent behind this, though.
Two more significant issues I noticed. Both of them were near the beginning of the chapter.
1st. You opened the chapter with the shock of parents dying and something about blood and wanting to play outside the castle. However, this point is not followed up on anywhere in this chapter. This exposes that you were opening with something shocking just for the sake of being shocking, and it makes the audience aware of the author, which actually breaks the immersion.
2nd. You have the perspective character talking about her twin infant sisters, and asking about the diamonds embedded in their chests. However, she has a diamond in her own chest. So, it really makes no sense at all that she should be confused about her sisters having them too.
This is, once again, something you very obviously put in specifically for the audience's benefit, to let them know about the diamonds. However, you lost the character's perspective in doing so by having the line delivered in a way that makes no sense. This, once again, makes the audience aware of the author. It also breaks immersion even more severely by how little sense it makes for the perspective character to be confused about such a thing.
Those 4 points are the major issues. There are a couple more minor issues that become a little more noticeable due to the fact that they permeate the entire chapter, though.
1 is the overall rambly feel of the chapter. It does not feel very well planned out, and just seems to go all over the place with random thoughts that either don't feel like they need to be there or could have been stated a lot better.
2nd is that you arrange your adjectives a little strangely. (Warning, we are about to go into technical writing terms now.)
A couple good examples I noticed was when you were talking about hair. Things like "beautiful curly long hair" or "Leyla has red flaming hair" (BTW: That "has" is a tense disagreement. You mostly write in the past tense, but that "has" is in the present tense.) Anyway, those arrangements of adjectives that you are using sounds unnatural to the standard English speaker. (adjective = a descriptive word (specifically a descriptive word applied to a noun, such as hair in this case.))
Anyway, for the red flaming hair, the way you currently have them arranged uses them both as adjectives. In other words, you are calling her hair both "red" and also "flaming." So, either you just said red twice, or you are saying her hair is literally on fire.
The arrangement you want is "flaming red." This turns the term "flaming" into an adverb. An adverb is a word that modifies an adjective. So, the term "flaming" is modifying the term "red" to make it a more specific quality of the red color. The adverb is always supposed to come before the adjective it is modifying.
This brings us to the "beautiful curly long hair" line. The way you currently have it arranged makes "beautiful" an adverb that modifies "curly," but now that leaves the word "long" out there standing on it's own and disrupting the flow of the sentence.
In order to fix this, we need to set it up where it is made clear that 2 of these are being used as adverbs and only one is acting as an adjective. "beautiful long curly hair" would be the most simple way to do it, making the "curly" hair both long and beautiful. For a slightly less compact version, you can also just say "long and beautiful curly hair."
(Technical level stuff like this is usually something a native speaker picks up just by hearing the language a lot growing up, or by reading frequently. It is definitely not easy to grasp by explanation and study. Seeing these clumsy uses of grammar though, I do have to ask now if English is your 2nd language, just so I know where things stand for future tips.)
Those were the stand-out issues I noticed while reading this chapter. I'm going to keep reading until I can get the plot thread before writing any kind of review. But, since we are set to help each other out here, I figure I can also keep leaving tips like this wherever I see issues until I have figured out what I think of the story overall.
first of regarding the part about how I tell people about the diamonds, this is where Iris's mother is telling her daughter about the Diamonds.
and secondly, at the start of the chapter of the parents is dying, i relay to the audience that something bad is going to happen, like in those movies where they show the tragic scene and they'll go back to what happened earlier before the tragic scene happened.
And also about the part where she asks about the gem in her chest because as a child she would be confused. And I also didn't talk about any other people having Gems in their chest apart from her and her sisters, meaning this is something that would definitely confuse the child.
And to be sincere English is not my native language, it's my second language so there would be some mishaps, thanks for pointing out these points though, I'll fix them.
@Erivva What I'm saying about the 1st part on the parent's death is that it is such a poor fit for the chapter, clashes so much, that it does not achieve the effect you were going for at all.
This kind of story telling does work in some cases, but you have to implement it just right as the writer in order for it to have the correct impact. The whiplash of going from that cold-open to this happy innocent scene creates the exact wrong effect, especially when you then follow it up with an exposition dump.
So, no, in this instance it really doesn't work.
And I think you missed my point completely when I was talking about the diamonds in the chest. The girl, herself, has a diamond in her own chest. There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY she doesn't know what that is, and no way in the world she would ever be confused, no matter what age she is, and regardless of whether or not she sees other people who also have diamonds in their chest.
To be shocking but effective, forgetting about something like that or not knowing what it is when you see it on someone else would be the same as forgetting what you have between your legs. It's just not something that's possible, and it completely breaks suspension of disbelief.
@Jemini
Also in the story, i never said she didn't know about the gem if you read well, she just doesn't know what it is.
And also pls do you have any ideas of a way i can make the sad start of the story blend with the continuing parts
@Erivva I will need to read further in order to give specifics, but the standard is that you need to blend it into the work either by immediately following up the preview scene with some bridge text. For that open you have there, you could insert a bit of dialogue about how happy life was before that, and specify that you are going to start over from the earliest parts of the character's life.
Going to THAT much of an extreme of THIS early in the character's life, though, requires a lot of care in terms of precise wording. You might need to become a little more proficient in English in order to manage it. My recommendation would be reading some more of other people's work.
I might actually suggest the English translation of Re:Zero. They also use that same technique, so you might be able to pick up some concept of how it works from there.
I will mention though. Re:Zero actually uses a very different technique to blend it from what I recommended. Their technique is to immediately start building the tension. It's not very well suited for the approach you took which lets down the tension immediately.
Actually, it's specifically your immediate let-down of the tension that makes the foreshadowing scene feel so out of place. I honestly don't know of anyone else who has done what you did there with the tension, and it's sort of for good reason. You are really going to have to work hard in order to blend them and make it work.
Again, my personal recommendation would be to just drop the foreshadowing open. But, that's just my impression after having only read the 1st chapter. I might have more ideas after I read past the actual realization of the event the foreshadowing was in reference to.