Reya storming out did not make things better. I was alone now, alone with a distraught Meg that seemed just as incapable of handling this situation as I was. I crawled up against the wall, hugged my knees, and looked down at my feet. A shiver of discomfort rolled down my back.

Meg fidgetted and paced, with the little nibble attempting to crawl after her but failing to keep up. Meg opened her mouth, then shook her head in a flurry of russet lemongrass panic.

This was terrible. She was just a seamstress in a little village, far too innocent and pure to be dealing with me. It was clear I would have to take the initiative in this. Meg would not get anywhere if I did not lead. But I just did not know where to begin. I was alone with her, someone I trusted. This should have made it easier. It did not.

Betrayed the trust she’s placed in me.
I’m a monster.

The little nibble, unable to reach his mother, let out a hesitant wail. This tiny little thing, so young and innocent to the horrors of the world, he sensed the unease in the room, and I saw him wrestle with it.  Failing to reach his mother, he tottered over to me, clung on to my arm, and tried to reach for my hands.

It only made me hug my knees tighter still, claws cutting into my trousers. I could not let him grab on to my fingers. Without my gloves to protect against the sharpness of my claws he might cut himself.

“’m sorry Meg, I’m so sorry. I’ve done something horrible.” I bawled, and the nibble clinging to me bawled with me. I could not even stand to look up at the woman. I wanted to, but if I did she would see, she would notice my lack of tears.

This little corner I was hiding in, it was not small enough. I wanted away, invisible, gone…

Don’t look at me!
Don’t look at me, I’m a monster!

Meg crouched down next to me, wrapped one arm around her kid and the other around my shoulder. She pulled me close until my face was buried in her bosom. “Shhhh, it’s okay child, it’s okay,” she whispered as she stroked my hair. “It’s not all your fault.”

I’m not a kid, ‘m a monster!

Her lemongrass-cotton scent filled my nostrils. It was soothing, so soothing, almost as good as the gentle caress of her fingers through my hair. I screwed my eyes shut and shook my head, trying to break free from her comforting hold. I did not deserve this from her, did not deserve this kindness. Not after what I had done.

“Oh gods.” I heaved in Meg’s arms, rubbed my nose against her sleeve. “Did I kill someone? Please tell me I didn’t kill someone?”

Meg squeezed down on my shoulder as her heart skipped a beat. Then she loosened up her hold as her breathing sped up.

Shock?
Surprise?

She held me tight again and her auburn curls tickled my ears. “No child, no! You gave us a fright, that’s all.”

I didn’t kill anyone?

I tried to push back and squeeze one of my arms in between hers. Her scent was such a jumbled mess that I had to get a look at her face. I needed to know what she meant.

She seemed to get what I was trying to do. Loosening her grip she cupped my cheeks in her hands and tilted my head up at her. “Suicide’s not the answer child. Please don’t do that when there’s people that care for you.”

I blinked.

…

Suicide?
I hadn’t tried to kill myself…
I had only…

I…
I… could have died…

I…

…

Meg pulled me close again and rocked me gently side to side. “Shush, shush child, it’s okay.”

Her chest was warm, the steady beating of her heart and the slow rise and fall of her chest a comforting presence. I focussed on it, and slowly the dissonance between her rhythm and mine faded away, my heart beating in tune to hers. Caught up in that tender two-tone beat I allowed my thoughts to fade away.

That was how Gery found us, my body nestled in Meg’s comforting embrace. I only registered his arrival by the shifting in Meg’s posture.

I blinked, slowly becoming aware of a distant wetness near my elbow, where a little nibble was chewing and drooling on my sleeve. I shifted to look at him, extricated an arm to twirl my fingers through his little curls.

Then, with a heavy grunt, my body was lifted off the ground, Meg carrying it over to the table and placing it down in a chair.

It was awfully alone, that chair, with no one near me to cling to. Yet Meg busied herself in the kitchen and soon after I had a mug of milk to hold on to. That at least made things a little better. Only a little. Thoughts and reason returned and then I was drowning, my body an ocean away, nothing within reach no matter how far I extended my senses. Only the mug. Only the mug and the murmur of Meg and Gery’s conversation.

I pulled on the Metzus, half a world away a finger moved that was not me, then a hand, an arm, bringing a mug to lips thas were not mine. Milk flowed down a throat that I only felt from a distance. This puppet on a string of Metzus, it drank but it was not me.

Never ever me.
Just a corpse, a corpse that tried to kill itself.

After a couple of sips I began to focus on Meg and Gery.

“… ave told her when she asked. I’d seen her do… do…” Gery shook his head, strangely upset. “I’d seen it, I knew it’d cause trouble and still…”

Meg, having noticed that I was paying attention, turned towards my pathetic little shell. “You doing okay child?”

“No,” I admitted. Somewhere in the distance, sitting around a table a puppet moved its tongue and lips, made words, and gave a little shake of its head, dancing to the strings of my Metzus. “But I’ll manage. Can’t keep Reya waiting.”

I looked up. I was not okay. I was never going to be okay again. Maybe I had never been okay to begin with. Always just a broken thing, pretending not to be. But I could pretend a little longer, until I was away from this place. It was not because I was broken that I should break the people around me.

Still do break them.

“You don’t need to do that child. If you need some more time…” Meg reached out for the puppet’s–

No. My hand. It would have to be my hand. I had no hands but these. They would have to do. My puppet hands, my puppet body, my puppet face, all them perfect for pretending to be fine. And maybe, if I closed myself off just right, if I pretended not to feel the strings of my Metzus controlling the puppet, I could even imagine for a moment that this was really, really me.

“No… no Meg. I’ll be fine.” I pulled my hand back, out of her reach. I sequestered most of these troublesome thoughts and emotions to a distant corner of my self, where they would not bother me so much. With it, a tiny fraction of the calm focus of my true self washed over me. I steered things back to what Reya had really dumped me here for. “Reya said you had something to share with me… It is related to what I did, is it not?”

Meg and Gery both looked at each other. Meg shot a quick glance my way, then nodded at her husband. Her husband nodded back and rubbed Meg’s shoulder.

“We do,” Gery admitted. “Probably should have told you a long time ago.”