“Take a seat girl,” Rafe droned right after I had entered, gesturing towards the table. “It looks like we’ve got a number of things to work out.”

He did not look at me while he said that. Hunched over and with a much denser layer of stubble on his face, he paced from one end of the room to the other. The man seemed worn out, tired, run ragged.

How long has he been doing that pacing?

Instinctively I tasted the air. He smelled just the same as he looked. Frightened, vulnerable, worried, nervous. Even his heart rate was subtly accelerating.

Scared of me?

“Right.” I nodded and took a seat. This was not the same calm and unbothered man I remembered from last time, and it worried me.

Reya, entering after me, immediately addressed Rafe. “Guess what, now she’s also a magical prodigy.”

I shook my head at that. Of course the Academy doctor would come to that conclusion. The man had thought I was a kid of maybe ten. My magical proficiencies were far less impressive when you knew I was actually 24.

Rafe stopped pacing, eyed Reya, and scratched his chin. “Of course she’d be.” He sighed hard. “And why am I always stuck doing this with you?”

“Because your wife’s busy teaching the kids, and you can’t keep pulling her away from that every time Vale here does a thing.” Reya closed the door behind her and took up position leaning against the wall. “Though if you want I could always try my hand at the teaching.”

“Nevermind.” Rafe shook his head, pinched the bridge of his nose, walked over to the table, and leaning on it stared down at me without speaking. If there was supposed to be a question hidden in there, I did not get it.

Ah, he wants me to explain, doesn’t he?
Where do I even start?

Uneasy myself, I glanced at Reya.

With crossed arms, and still leaning against the wall, she gazed right past me, not meeting my eyes. It felt a lot like last time, a conversation between Rafe and me, with Reya as the mostly silent, judging witness. At least this time Rafe and I would be doing it sitting down instead. I hoped. Rafe had yet to take a seat.

Finally, with a heavy sigh, Rafe sat down opposite me. “I try hard for you girl, far harder than I ever should, knowing what you are.” He shook his head.

You don’t know what I am.

I kept that thought to myself. Being petty and snide about it now would not help the situation.

Never helps.
They’ll judge no matter what I do.

“I tried hard last winter, when calling in the Inquisition would have been the easy thing,” Rafe continued. “And I’m trying even harder now.”

Eh?
Damn.
Should have thought of that.

Wait? Why didn’t he?

“Why didn’t you? The Inquisition?” I blinked in confusion, desperately attempting to hide the utter terror I felt creeping up on me. Keeping my emotions bottled up had been an utter failure so far. I did not dare stuff them away again. Friendly and vulnerable, I reminded myself instead, thinking back to the advice Reya had given me what now seemed like ages ago.

“Long story.” Rafe sighed again.

“Gery and Meg told you like I asked them to?” Reya interrupted, addressing me with that question.

“About Onar?” I glanced up at Reya for confirmation. On her nod I gave a quick recounting of what they had told me.

Rafe shot an occasional accusing stare at Reya at my retelling, but otherwise did not interrupt. When I was done Rafe leaned back in his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose again. “Not entirely accurate, but good enough for now. That’s part of the reason why I didn’t. Onar was a broken man when he got here girl, and calling in the Inquisition would only have opened up old wounds even more than what you already did with that cat.” He let go of his nose and looked me in the eyes. “Besides, I was not going to send them after someone that had just saved four lives.”

I stared at him, incredulous. Wanting to protect Onar, that I got. But actively covering for me, even after I had left, that was…

Why?
Why were so many people here like this?

Could it really be that easy?
Just be nice and they’ll look the other way?

“Shouldn’t have done that.”  I broke eye contact. “Not for me.”

“Yeah, seeing your latest stunt maybe I really shouldn’t have,” he agreed. “Care to tell me what that was about? Because right now all I’ve had to go on was a frantic Onar screaming ‘Oh gods, she wants me to kill her!’ at me.”

Wants me to kill her?
I didn’t…

I did.

I groaned, laid my head in my hands, and pulled at my hair, letting the complete lack of composure I felt leak into my mannerism.

No, no, no…

“I think she’s somehow convinced herself that gruesome outward displays of self-harm instill trust,” Reya commented dryly over my misery. “Compounded by the absurd notion that being kind to those that hate your guts gets them to reciprocate.”

“I want her words, not yours Reya.” Rafe cut of her commentary with an angry glare.

Reya clicked her tongue. “As if she’s ready to admit to that.”

Rafe ignored her and studied me. I could see him staring at me through my fingers and the loose strands of hair covering my eyes. Patiently, he waited until I was ready. “Girl?” he prompted after I finally looked up at him.

“I wanted him to trust me…” I whimpered.

“Trust you? How? By doing what?” he pushed me.

My life in his hands.

“I wasn’t thinking!” I snapped at him, fangs bared. He jerked back in sudden fright.

“Too fast Rafe, give her more time.” Reya pushed off from the wall. Taking up position behind my chair she tapped my head to accentuate her next words. “Keep it down a little child, we’d rather not have the man in the room upstairs figure out what we’re talking about.”

Not a kid!
Why! Why are you so nice to me now? You were just as mean before…

“Not a kid!” I sniffed, leaning into her hand for comfort.

“Sure you’re not,” Reya snorted.

“I’m not!” I insisted. “I’m 24!”

“Just keep telling yourself that.” Reya patted my head, directed one last glare at Rafe, then returned to her spot at the wall.

“Right then.” Rafe narrowed his eyes, scratched at the stubble on his chin, and appeared to brush the topic aside.

I was immensely grateful for that. People’s fixation on my appearance was grating even at the best of times, now that I was barely holding myself together it was just too much. I wished that I could smile at him, but I just could not manage it anymore, not right now. I was too drained to force emotions on my face that I did not feel.

“Getting back on track, what is it that you want from us girl?” Rafe asked. “Because to be honest, I still do not get it.”

Don’t get it either.
Should have left long ago.
Should have never come back.

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

Rafe turned his eyes skywards. His exasperation made me realize that yes, maybe I did know.

“I want… I want…” I hesitated a moment longer, unsure if I really wanted to voice this. In the end, I did not think I had a choice. My emotions decided for me. “I want babysitting Ari and Trip. I want hugs and cooking with Shae. I want people to call me their sweet little angel. I want to be me!” I wailed.

Rafe stared at me in shock.

That only angered me more. They did not get to be shocked at my life. They did not get to be shocked for doing this to me, every single day. They took from me. All they ever did was take from me. Not because of who I was. Never because of who I was. No, it was like this because all they ever saw was what I was not.

“I want what I can never have!” I snarled these last words, pushed myself off from the table, and stood. “I should leave. My presence is tearing your town apart.”