My first proper shower in a long time wasn’t made any less awkward by the confrontation with my new anatomy. I wasn’t as filthy as I expected to be, which told me that I’d likely been washed in some fashion at the hospital. Probably so my street grime wouldn’t smell up the hospital bed. That also meant that at least one person had seen me and my new… equipment. That thought would be addressed later. For now I settled for drying off and getting properly dressed for the evening. Of course the only underwear was for girls, thanks again to the Bureau.

A knock came at the door, and I nearly jumped out of my skin in the warm quietude of the bathroom.

“Kat, are you done in there hon? I brought you something to wear,” Jen said through the door.

“Yeah, um, I’m done…” I looked down at myself, grimacing at the underwear on my lower body. I wrapped my towel around my waist and opened the door. Jen took one look at me and smiled.

“You look much more relaxed after a nice hot shower. I figured you might not have any pyjamas you want to wear, so I thought I’d lend you these.” She held out a large t-shirt that was clearly oversized for her, and a fuzzy pair of pyjama pants with a stylized sheep pattern.

“Oh, thanks, um… should I just call you Jen or... “ I let the question hang.

“Sure, Jen is fine,” She smiled, raising the clothing in her hand a bit. I grabbed it gently, nodding my thanks.

“Oh, and Kat?” She motioned at the towel. “You uh…” She looked suddenly uneasy, but after a moment she continued. “Girls usually wrap that a bit higher…”

I felt my face heat, and I looked down, terrified of what I might find. Had something changed in the moments since she knocked!? To my relief there was nothing there - just my usual scrawny flat chest, the hint of my ribs visible just past that. Whew.

“It’s… not like I have anything there. I’m a guy, after all.” I protested calmly.

“I know hon, but… the Bureau… I have to at least try to make you follow policy, you know?” She gave me an apologetic smile. 

“Right…” I sighed, looking down at my body again. A betrayal in progress.

“Good, alright then! Get dressed! Pizza’ll be here soon and I have Webflix ready and waiting for us to pick a movie for girls night!”

I flinched at the term ‘girls night’, but she pulled the door shut and retreated before I could contest her claim. Despite being a few inches taller than her, the shirt was still baggy on my frame. Thankfully, even though they were a bit short on my legs, the pyjama bottoms hid the shame of my new part.

“Hey,” Jen said as she closed the apartment door, carrying a large white box with red check mark patterns and a generic design of some chef pulling a pizza out of a brick oven. The smell of pizza was unmistakable, and I couldn’t help but let out a contented sigh as I caught a whiff.

Jen set out a couple plates for us, and plopped two slices on one. I assumed she’d start eating, but instead she slid the plate over to my spot on the granite countertop that separated the living room from the kitchen, then helped herself to another two slices on her own plate.

It was a weird gesture… nobody had made sure to feed me first before feeding themself in a long time. Still, it stirred up some kind of warmth in my chest, and I smiled slightly. “Thanks,” I said appreciatively.

“No problem hon. Do those pyjamas feel ok? They look nice on you.” She folded her first slice in half and took a big bite, causing grease to drip on the plate. I wanted to refute her comment, but the sloppy way she took that first bite caught me, and I laughed.

“Eat up, kid.” She smiled and nodded at my plate. I picked up the slice like she had and folded it in half, tentatively taking a bite. It was amazing. Hot pizza. No weird staleness. No old garbage flavor.

“Are you ok, hon?” Jen asked. Her hand had found my shoulder.

It took me a moment to realize I was crying again, dangit. I wiped at my eyes with the back of my free hand. “Yeah,” I said, my voice shakier than I would have liked. “It’s just… really good.” I smiled and wiped away at a few more lingering tears.

Jen just smiled, and handed me a paper towel. I wiped my eyes and face with it, and gave her a quick “thanks” before tucking it aside under the edge of my plate. 

I finished off three slices while Jen only had two, and put the rest in her big shiny double door fridge, wrapped in plastic wrap so it wouldn’t get ‘funky’, as she put it. After that we ended up on the couch in the living room. It was a big comfy black couch, which I sank into when I sat. Jen plopped down on the other cushion, pulling her legs up under her as she grabbed the remote.

“Any favorites?” she asked, motioning at the TV.

I shook my head. “I don’t really know what’s out… or what’s good,” I said lamely.

“Oh right. I guess you wouldn’t…” She sighed heavily. “Sorry, that was rude of me.”

“No, uh, not at all,” I smiled. “I mean, I know I was homeless. Not like I’m going to be offended by that.”

Jen smiled, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and giving me a squeeze in against her side. “Thanks, hon… You’re a good kid.”

I felt my face heat slightly as she released me. Jen sure was big on physical contact…

“So, how about we start simple… Can’t go wrong with an animated classic like ‘Snarled’. I love the little lizard.” She smiled and scrolled through to put it on.

By the end of the movie it had gotten late, and I was exhausted. I yawned and stretched as I stood, hearing a soft laugh from Jen, and realizing that when I had stretched it had lifted the shirt up. I immediately dropped my arms and tugged the shirt down, my face on fire.

“You’re something Kat,” Jen said as she suppressed her laughter. “I’ll grab you a blanket so you can crash on the couch tonight. Tomorrow we can clean up your bedroom, ‘kay?”

I nodded, still trying to overcome the embarrassment that I wasn’t sure why I was feeling. Jen trundled off down the hallway to a spare linen closet, returning a few moments later with a big pink comforter.

“Sorry,” she said, handing it over, “It’s all I have spare. I don’t keep a lot of extra bedclothes.” 

I took it and nodded. “Well, I’ll be sleeping anyway, so… I guess it doesn’t really matter, y’know?” I smiled awkwardly, holding the blanket closer.

“Right,” Jen smiled back. “Okay, if you need anything I’m right down the hall. Feel free to help yourself to anything in the kitchen if you get hungry or thirsty overnight. Sleep well, hon.”

“Right… um, you too, Jen,” I said softly, taking a seat on the couch before carefully stretching out. Jen clicked off the lightswitch and the room went dark except for the glow of the city outside, and a few clocks from various electronic devices around the apartment’s open living/dining area.

==========

Sleep didn’t come easily. There was no wind, and the sounds of the city were muted to the point of nearly disappearing entirely. On top of that was the elephant in the room. The thing that was happening to me. I brought up the watch and tapped the screen. The default lock screen told me it was 02:42 on Sunday morning. I sighed, and swiped around as the Agent had shown me, bringing up the black background and white status bar.

‘Particle Saturation - 57%’

My eyes widened slightly. How had it gone up by 2%!? I thought this thing was supposed to slow it down! I was panicking. I sat up on the couch, gripping my head in my hands, staring at the floor between my feet.

‘What do I do now?’ I wondered, staring at the watch until it went blank, then swiping it back to alertness and that black and white progress screen. I kept this going for so long that I was sure the glaring white bar and ‘57%’ were burned into my retinas. My mind was racing back and forth over the potential horrors that lay ahead in my future.

Hair tickled at me where the shirt had slipped a bit, revealing the curve of my neck where it met my shoulders. I suddenly knew what I could do to fight back. I stood and headed for the bathroom. It only took a cursory search of the drawers to find what I was looking for. I stared at the reflection in the mirror, clutching the scissors in my other hand.

‘Don’t do this,’ the eyes of the reflection seemed to beg, but I had to. I had to fight back a little bit, at least. Maybe this could even earn me a few percent back? Did it work that way? Could it go backwards?

I took a deep breath and began snipping away, cutting it as short as I could get it without hurting myself. By the time I was done, the small trash can was filled with a pile of black hair, and I was sporting a new properly boyish cut. It was roughly chopped in a lot of places, but I didn’t care. It was short. Looking at my reflection now there was no way anyone would assume it was a girl. I smiled triumphantly, and my reflection mirrored the gesture, but there was an emptiness behind its eyes. I flinched and looked away, shoving the scissors back into the drawer where I had found them.

I’d just reached for the bathroom door when the building urgency I had felt during my makeshift haircut came to a head. I need to pee. I shifted uneasily, pressing my thighs together, which only reminded me of the emptiness there. Dangit, how do girls hold it!? Wait, no, I’m not a girl! I just… have a female part down there. Yeah.

I looked back at the toilet like it was a threatening monster, waiting to consume me if I gave it a chance. It was starting to hurt a little from trying to hold it, and I heard myself whimper slightly. I decided I didn’t like that sound at all. This isn’t fair. I couldn’t fight it any longer, and I was forced to make a choice. I chose to keep at least some of my dignity, and not pee myself. I hurried to the toilet, rolling up my shirt and sliding down my pants and underwear. 

I couldn’t even meet my reflection’s eyes when I stood in front of the sink again minutes later, furiously scrubbing my hands with more hand soap than I think I had ever used, homeless sink baths included.

By the time I made it back to the couch, I was exhausted, and my watch was telling me that it was now 04:27. I slumped over onto my side and pulled the pink blanket up over my head, curling up into a ball.

Here I was in a nice warm apartment, comfortable on a couch, a full stomach, literally safer than I’d been in years, and still I cried myself to sleep.