“Are you sure this is on right?” I tugged at the hem of the black pleated skirt. It feels like it’s on way too high. I mean, it’s nowhere near my hips. She has the waistband situated up past my belly button.

“Skirts are worn higher than you think, hon…” Jen was adjusting different parts of my outfit, fussing over it.

I grumbled and let my hands drop to my sides. The blouse, skirt, blazer, leggings, and tie of the “winter uniform” was nothing short of stifling. I wasn’t loving the strange sensation of the training bra either, which Jen had insisted I wear because the fabric of the blouse was ‘thin’ and if I took the blazer off I’d be ‘indecent’ without it. I’d rather be indecent than have this annoying itchy pressure.

“Why can’t I just wear pants?” I whined.

“You know why, Kit…” She said, fixing my tie for the third time. 

I sighed hearing my name. “I…” I bit my lip, “I don’t really feel like much of a ‘Kit’ dressed like this you know?” My tongue threatened to trip over my words as I spit them out quickly so I couldn’t cut myself off.

Jen stared at me for a beat, then nodded. “Alright, would you prefer if I called you Kat when you’re dressed like this, then?” 

My stomach tumbled when she said that name, but not in an unpleasant way. I nodded. Ugh… I know it’s not my real name. I shouldn’t be okay with it. “Can I at least change to pants after this week? Uh - I mean, if I stay…” I fumbled to save myself. Gotta leave her an out. I don’t want her to feel stuck with me. I know what happens when people feel stuck with a burden they don’t want.

They leave it behind.

“Yeah, of course hon. I honestly wouldn’t care if you rocked up in there day one in the guys’ uniform, but I don’t want the Bureau to make things difficult for you by taking away your watch.”

“Wait, what? Take my watch?” Why hadn’t I heard about this before?

“Well,” Jen sighed, “if you don’t follow the regulations and guidelines, the overseeing agent has the right to remove your particle limiter device - your watch. The letter to me stated as much. That’s part of why I was trying to push you so hard to keep to their rules. I want you to be happy, but I also don’t want you to have the choice of who you are taken away from you.”

They were going to force me to follow their dated stereotypes with the threat of taking away the only thing stopping me from turning into a girl forever? Fuck them! My emotions must have shown on my face because Jen pulled me into a hug. Ugh… Her hugs are so… freaking… ugh… Fine, I’ll calm down… but I’m definitely not going to cry over this.

“Shh… It’s okay, hon…” Jen wipes a tear from my cheek. Dang it! Why is angry crying a thing!? “We’ll make it through this week and then you can go back to being whoever you want to be. No more restrictions. Okay?”

I nod. “Yeah…” I want to believe her, but I know the value of words. How weightless and empty they are. Especially since she kept this information about them taking the watch a secret.

“If it helps, you do look very cute and mature in your uniform…”

I bite back a bitter laugh between tears. “Well. That’s something, I guess.” There’s no point denying that hearing it makes me happy, if only for a moment. I hate that the device is making me like this. It has to be the device doing it. The alternative is… something I can’t think about.

“Well, now that we know it fits, how about you change into something comfy and we’ll work on the next thing.”

“The next thing?” I asked, taking a step back from Jen. What other horrors does she have in stock, courtesy of Dobbs?

“Some documents and suggestions for your backstory, to explain your absence from past schooling, if you want to use it. The Bureau suggested I offer them to you in case you didn’t want to be open about your… recent history.”

“You mean about being homeless.” What else would they mean?

“Yeah. I personally think it’s BS, but I had to at least offer it to you.”

“I’m not ashamed of what I am, Jen!” Anger was bubbling to the surface - more than I really had a right to be feeling at the moment, but it was there all the same. 

“I know, hon. I don’t want you to be. I mean, how many kids can say they survived through what you did? Not many, I’d bet.”

Hearing that mitigated the anger somewhat. I feel the tension in my stomach uncurl a bit. “So we can just ignore those suggestions, right?”

“Of course, Kat,” she nods. Stop it, stupid heart flutters. It’s just a name!

“Good. Guess that’s done, then. What’s next on today’s agenda?”

“Well… You are a teenage girl. I could teach you how to do makeup if you want.”

What!? No way! My physical reaction must be as intense as my thoughts, because Jen bursts out laughing. “Wow, your face right now hon… I take it that’s a no on the makeup, huh?”

“Absolutely. I don’t wanna wear makeup. Waaaay too girly. I mean, I might be wearing a skirt, but I’m not that girly.”

“Oh no, definitely not,” Jen laughs. “You look very not-girly pouting with your hands on your hips like that.” 

Crap! I immediately shift my posture to something more neutral and boyish, cocking a hip and folding my arms over my stomach. This is definitely boyish, right?

Jen laughs lightly again before continuing, “I’d say I could do something with your hair but, well, it’s a bit short for me to do anything. I’m sort of stuck for ideas, short of just taking you to a game shop or arcade or something. Why don’t you pick something that sounds fun!”

I stare down at my stocking feet, trying to think. What do I want to do? I could ask to see a movie. To go out for a meal - no, that’s way too risky. I could definitely get mistaken for a girl again. Wait just a second, hadn’t Jen just called me a ‘teenage girl’ a moment ago? Why didn’t it feel wrong then? I need to test this.

“What, uh, what should… we… girls… do together?” I asked tentatively. Nope, still no reaction of wrongness to calling myself a girl. No. That should feel wrong. I’m a guy. I’m a guy! I’m a guy… right?

Jen grinned. “Well, we could have a girls day and I could show you some of the stuff I enjoyed doing with my girlfriends back in high school and college.”

A girls day. A day for girls. Which I was right now. A girl. I sigh and nod. “...Okay.”

==========

In the future, I really need to be more mindful of how much leeway I give Jen when I accept invitations to do things. When I agreed to a girls day, I really didn’t think I’d find myself sitting in the waiting room at a spa. Maybe I should have?

The door to the side opened and a woman called out “Crowley?” Jen stood up at the same time as a devilish-looking man in a rather nice suit. The two exchanged a look, until the attendant clarified “Jennifer Crowley?” The man gave a sly smile and sat back down, unfolding what looked like a newspaper comic about a moose and a squirrel. Jen motioned for me to follow her, and I complied.

I was OK walking with Jen to the back. I was even a little intrigued by some of the stuff I saw. But then they led us into a changing room and told us to put our stuff in bins and put on robes. I was very not OK with that. 

“What if they take our stuff!?” I asked, quickly hugging the robe I had been given to my chest.

“They won’t, hon. It’s perfectly safe.” Jen was already starting to strip down and I quickly averted my eyes. Even if it was just the two of us in this changing stall, I had no interest in seeing her naked. She just laughed at my embarrassment, and finished changing. “Come on, Kat. We’re both girls here. I promise I won’t look while you change if it makes you nervous.” 

Was this crossing some line I couldn’t come back from? I’d seen myself naked in the shower, of course… but I’d never been mostly naked in the same space as anyone else. Well, not since this event started at least. Feeling the heat creep up my cheeks again, I slowly undressed, then pulled on the robe, making sure it was tied as tightly around me as I could make it. When I finally turned back around, Jen was still facing away from me.

“Alright… I’m ready…” I said quietly.

Jen turned around and smiled. “See? Not so bad. The way you have it tied even accentuates your waist”

“Um… thanks...” I mumbled, keeping my arms crossed over my stomach to ensure the robe couldn’t come open. Jen raised a brow and chuckled. I’m not sure why. 

Our attendant was waiting for us outside the changing room. “Right this way, ladies.” She smiled, and I inwardly grumbled at being called a lady again. Was that a hint of wrongness? Had my experiment worked out? Had I proven I wasn’t girly? Could we go home? The first stop she led us to was a place for facials and nail care. How do I know this? Because the pushy attendants were very quick to get to work as soon as Jen and I sat down. I didn’t even have time to ask before they started.

My face was attacked with a variety of pads, soaps, oils, lotions, creams, scrubby things, and hands. I had to keep my eyes closed for this part, apparently, because they could ‘irritate my eyes’.

Meanwhile another woman was doing something to my fingernails. Halfway through the face cleaning assault she changed over to doing that same something to my toes. When the entire process was finally done, I was given leave to open my eyes, and turned to face a mirror.

Oh.

Wow.

Is that me?

My reflection’s face went pink. Oh… she’s embarrassed. She’s… she’s really pretty. I mean. I thought she was pretty before, but now? Wow… I tear my eyes away quickly. If I keep staring at her like that I know I’ll give that freaking device another excuse to try to force more of its sinister particles on me.

Instead I check out the other areas that got attention. My fingernails definitely seem different. Before they were just kind of… there, you know? They were great for picking at stuff, getting pesky lids open, scratching an itch… But now they were like… there. Whatever they had done had left them looking shinier than before, and they caught the light in a way they never had before. I angled my hands back and forth to watch the light play on them. A quick glance down at my feet told me they were the same. Well. I guess it’s not too bad… they didn’t use any girly colors on them or anything. Just a perfectly masculine pale blue.

I noticed Jen was staring at me, and I glanced over at her, smiling slightly. Am I having fun? I guess a little bit. But that still doesn’t make me girly, right?

The attendants guide us out of the chairs and motion for us to follow another staff member. Jen follows her, and I follow behind, still checking out my nails. They really are freakin’ shiny. 

The next room has a weird table in it that’s covered in padding. It almost looks like the things you lay on at a doctor’s office, but not quite. There’s also a cut-out in one of the sections near the headrest, which also has a hole in it. What good is a headrest and table with a hole in it?

A guy enters the room as the attendant leaves. The attendant leaves us alone with him. Just me and Jen and a big guy. Traitorous attendant! I’m suddenly nervous. This guy is taller than me by like, a lot, and he’s really built. I mean like… even with his skin tight company polo shirt on you could tell every line of his... What was I doing again? Oh right. Scared of the giant buff guy. He had said something, but I missed it. Jen was guiding me forward towards the table. What? My robe? But I was only wearing my underwear under that! Sure my body still looked mostly male, but still! I clung to it tighter until Jen finally convinced me that it would be ‘okay’, that Biceps McMuscles was a professional, and wouldn’t hurt me.

With that promise, and an immense amount of potentially undeserved faith in Jen, I removed the robe and climbed up onto the table as instructed. Biceps put a towel over my behind, and I felt slightly less exposed. I was really wishing I had kept the training bra on when I changed into comfier clothes at home though… Wait, am I seriously wishing I had kept that thing on? It’s not like I’m hiding anything up top...

I wasn’t really sure what to expect from a massage, but whatever was in those really good smelling oils? Yeah. I didn’t even make it through him working over my shoulders before I was basically melted into the table. I know I definitely made a few soft gasping sounds that were definitely not because I was really really enjoying this. But they were definitely girly sounds. Okay. So maybe I’m a little girly.

By the time he was finished with my head to toe massage, including a foot massage. Oh my god, the foot massage… err… anyway, with my turn done, Jen got to hop up on the table and have her go. She didn’t seem to enjoy it nearly as much as I did. I mean, I didn’t enjoy it, nope, not at… okay, fine, I can’t save this thought process. Abort, abort!

When the entire experience was finally over, and I found myself dressed in proper clothes again, I had to admit: I felt very relaxed. It was a really nice time, and when we got out it was only going on lunchtime. What a great start to the day.

“I know this little place nearby that serves great sandwiches. Interested?” Jen said, glancing over her sunglasses at me.

I smiled and nodded. After that experience, I think I’d have basically smiled and nodded to anything she suggested next. The place ended up being so nearby that we didn’t even return to her car, we just chose to walk the few blocks. We were waiting at a crossing light when she nudged me and subtly nodded in a direction. I followed her gaze, and saw two guys staring at us. As soon as they realized I was looking at them, one nodded back and grinned, shooting me a finger gun. No way, buddy. His friend however averted his eyes, and he must have been embarrassed or flustered or something because he immediately tripped over his own two feet and had to scramble to recover.

Watching this ungraceful display, I couldn’t help but gigg— laugh. I laughed. Nothing else.

Jen was grinning beside me as she tapped my shoulder and motioned for me to follow. The light had turned green. Meanwhile, I had definitely turned red, again. Crap. I really need to get a better handle on this blushing thing.