I tried acting completely casual and nonchalant as I wandered around looking over the various wares in the funny little shop.

I didn't even know why I was so nervous. Maybe it was the old woman behind the counter, the way her piercing blue eyes seemed to peer into my soul when I first stepped through the door.

The only reason I was browsing was to buy some time to get my nerves up. I knew exactly what I was here for and it wasn't on the shelves. I'd have to actually talk to her to get it.

The shop was one of three magic stores in the area. It was the smallest, and some people said the prices were on the high-side, but when it came to customer satisfaction it had the best reviews. It was at the end of a run-down strip mall in the old part of town. And unlike the corporate franchised store across town or the discount magic outlet at the big-box plaza out by the highway, this little shop was independent, owned and operated by a local woman.

All the stuff on display on the shelves was safe and inert. Spell components, herbs, incense, candles, minerals, that sort of thing. Stuff you'd use to work on your own magic back at home, if you knew how to do it and if you had the talent. Which I didn't. Like most of the population, I was mundane. No gift for magic.

The active stuff, dangerous ingredients, and complete ready-to-use spells were all kept behind the counter or locked up in the back. There were laws and regulations covering the sale of that kind of thing.

After wasting ten or twelve minutes looking over stuff I wasn't here for and couldn't use anyways, I finally worked up the nerve to go and speak with her.

The woman looked like she was in her sixties. She was a few inches shorter than me, like about five-foot-six or so. Her short hair was greying but still had some dark streaks in it, and her face was creased with a few laugh-lines. Her eyes were bright blue and sharp as a tack, and she generally seemed like a kindly grandmother kind of person. She was wearing a long black dress, and had a colourful flowery sweater on overtop.

I was still nervous around her, because unlike me she did have the talent. And from what I understood, she was pretty powerful when it came to magic.

There were stories of people like her that could turn you into a toad or newt or something, a lot of folks were paranoid about magic users. But I'd read enough to know that was all gross exaggeration and fear-mongering. Most magic required preparation and time, and transformative stuff like that was extremely difficult. At best she might have a potion that could effect a transformation, but she'd have to have it ready in advance then somehow get you to drink it. And even at that, transformation magic could only turn you into a slightly different human. Amphibian transformations were impossible.

Then again, knowing that stuff didn't actually make me any less nervous around her.

As I approached the counter she gave me a friendly smile and in a kind voice asked, "Hello there son, what can I do for you today?"

I tried not to wince or grimace, but I didn't like it when people called me that. I'd have been ok with 'hon' or 'dear', but 'son' just felt wrong. I thought about mentioning it, but I was a little too uneasy to get into that conversation with a mage.

Instead I just gulped slightly and replied, "I'm um, here to purchase a spell."

"I see," she replied. She didn't seem the least bit surprised by that. I might have thought she was able to read my mind, but I knew the reality was she probably stood there watching as it took me ten minutes to work up the courage to come talk to her. It wouldn't have been hard to guess why I was here.

"What sort of spell are you looking for?"

After another brief pause I answered, "I um, understand you have something that I can use to speak with the dead?"

The woman sort of blinked, like she'd been expecting me to ask for something completely different so she wasn't prepared for my request.

It seemed to take her a second or two to switch gears, and her expression shifted slightly. She went from sort of kindly or compassionate to wary and cautious. "I do have a spell like that. It's not going to let you talk to just anyone though. It only works to communicate with a departed soul if there was a close emotional connection between the two of you. Like a family member, dear friend, spouse, that sort of thing? You're not going to be able to talk to some dead hero or movie star or anything like that."

"I understand," I replied. I fought back a sudden wave of sadness then in a half-whisper I told her, "I want to speak with my dad one more time."

The woman's expression softened back to compassion again, "Oh you poor boy, I'm sorry."

I didn't like being called 'boy' either, but that slipped by while I was still dealing with the other emotions.

She continued, "I do have to warn you, that sort of magic can bring out a great deal of very powerful emotions. And when a spirit returns to talk, you may find they're not quite as you remember, or as you expect. Death is a transformative experience, and it can also be a freeing one."

After a breath she finished with, "And finally as I'm sure you know, local laws and regulations prohibit me from selling any active or dangerous ingredients, or prepared spells to anyone under the age of eighteen. So if you're sure you want to buy that spell, I will need to see some ID."

I listened to everything she had to say, then nodded as I dug my wallet out of my back pocket. I knew about the age requirement of course, which is why I waited till after my eighteenth birthday to do this. I showed her my drivers license then pulled out my bank card. "How much is it?"

She checked my ID, then after looking at me again she told me the price. I was surprised, it was about half what I'd been expecting to hear.

I hesitated for a moment, I wondered if she was giving me a discount because she felt sorry for me. But in the end I just nodded and tapped my card on the payment terminal. If she was giving me a deal I'd take it. I was prepared to pay a lot more than that and I didn't ask for a bargain, but I wasn't going to turn it down if she was offering.

Once the payment went through she disappeared into the back for few moments, then returned with a small brown paper bag. It was folded over at the top and sealed with a plain white label that had some laser-printed information on it. The text identified it as 'Reunion Tea' and indicated the date the spell was prepared, the date it would expire, and the name of the shop and the store's magic licence number.

"Here you go son," she said as she handed it over. "All the instructions are inside."

I may have grimaced slightly that time, but I accepted the bag and said "Thank you ma'am."

She paused a moment before adding, "If you need to talk to someone about it afterwards, don't hesitate to come see me again. Like I said, that spell can bring up some powerful emotions."

I just nodded slightly and bid her a good day. Then I tried not to rush as I made my way out the door and set off for home.

I'd already done my research and I knew the spell worked best if you used it at the new moon, which was tonight.

• • • • •

I sat alone in the living-room and stared down at the mug in my hands. I was in the recliner, it was dad's favourite chair. I hadn't sat in that chair since he died, it still smelled of him and I didn't want to lose that. Tonight though, it felt appropriate.

On the other hand, my nerves and emotions were already a bit wild and I hadn't even drank the tea yet. This would be my first time using magic, but I was confident that whatever happened the experience would be positive. I knew my dad well enough, I was sure things would go ok.

The instructions were pretty straight-forward, and it was all pretty much what I'd read before-hand on the internet. Boil the water, steep the tea for seven minutes, then strain it into a mug.

It smelled strong, like normal black tea but with hints of herbs and flowers and spices. I didn't think it needed sweetening or anything like that, it smelled pretty good on its own. The last step was to drink it, then think about the person I wanted to talk to.

Thinking about dad was easy. I did it a lot, ever since he died last spring.

He and I were all each other had. Mom left us a few years ago, back when I was thirteen. She moved to the city, she said she needed more than she could get in a small town. There wasn't any yelling, and she stayed in touch with me and dad for a while. She even came back and visited on holidays, a few times anyways.

Eventually though she just sort of drifted away. The visits stopped, then the letters and holiday cards tapered off, and finally the phone calls and emails. I hadn't seen or heard from her since some time before my sixteenth birthday. It seemed a bit sad in retrospect, but at the time that's just how it was.

Dad and I were ok though, we looked out for each other. We took turns cooking and doing the chores and all that. Neither of us were terribly social, neither of us had friends. He knew some guys at work, I hung out with some guys at school, that was about it.

Really, me and dad were each other's best friend. If I had a problem, or if I needed someone to talk to, I went to dad. Even the difficult stuff, emotional stuff, he was there for me. And if he needed to talk about something, he could always talk to me.

He wasn't like some guys' dads where they were all macho and manly. My dad was tough and he could handle tough stuff, but he wasn't scared to be tender and emotional too. And I never had to worry how he'd react, he was always there to back me up no matter what.

Then it all came crashing down. There was an accident at the factory. Dad was hurt bad and they couldn't get him to a hospital in time. The nearest healing mage was over an hour away, and by the time they got there it was too late.

Just like that he was gone, and I was completely alone.

Until tonight. Now I was going to see him one last time, I'd have the chance to talk to him again.

I'd been looking forward to this moment for months now. Not just because I missed him so bad, but there was something specific I had to talk to him about. I'd been working up the courage to have this conversation back before he died. Back then I was just questioning, but since he'd been gone I had to figure it all out on my own. And I pretty much knew what I needed to say.

I wasn't sure if I wanted dad's approval, or if I really just wanted to tell him what I'd figured out. And I definitely wanted to see him again, even if it was just a magic-induced vision. To see his face and hear his voice once more, and to get the chance to say goodbye, that was really important too.

At the same time I also felt a little anxiety that he might react badly to what I needed to say. Or maybe he'd try and change my mind or talk me out of it. I was pretty sure that was just nerves though, my dad wasn't like that. He cared too much, he was too understanding.

I glanced down at the mug again and was only slightly surprised to see it was nearly empty. I'd been sipping it the whole time I'd been thinking about dad, and hadn't even really noticed.

With a wry smile I gulped down the last few drops. Despite looking and smelling recognizably like tea, it actually had almost no taste at all. I guessed that was because of the magic, like maybe magic didn't have a taste.

Finally I got up and returned to the kitchen, where I rinsed out the mug and put it away.

The instructions said all I had to do now was wait, and keep thinking about dad. It said there was no fixed time, some folks would get the vision within minutes, others might have to wait an hour or more. The only real guarantee was it would happen before the sun came up, so I could potentially be waiting up to six hours. It also said there was no fixed amount of time the vision would last. I might have a few hours with dad, or maybe only a few minutes.

Magic was kind of ambiguous that way. It did what it needed to do and took as long as it took.

The instructions also said not to worry about falling asleep and missing the vision. It wasn't clear if that was due to how the magic worked, or maybe there was just a good old dose of caffein in the tea. Either way I knew I was probably in for a long night. I just hoped dad would show up sooner rather than later. It'd suck to wait six hours then only have a few minutes with him before sunrise.

I was on my way from the kitchen back to the living-room when I was startled by a knock at the front door. Our house was out of the way, surrounded by farms out at the edge of town. The nearest neighbours were about half a kilometer away so you really had to go out of your way to get here.

I wasn't expecting anyone, and I was torn about what to do. I was literally in the middle of a magical seance spell, I didn't want to deal with some outside distraction. I could feel a warmth deep inside me that I attributed to the tea, and I really wanted to just sit down and focus on dad while I could feel the magic doing its thing.

But dad always taught me to be polite and neighbourly, and ignoring someone at the door would be rude.

With a sigh I turned and moved to answer it. I figured I'd see who it was, and hopefully get rid of them before too long. I opened the door and found myself face to face with an attractive young woman.

She looked maybe a year or two older than myself, and she was dressed fairly casual with jeans and a t-shirt, and sneakers on her feet. I didn't see a car out front so she must have come on foot. And she wasn't wearing a jacket, which was unusual for being out at night this time of year.

I figured she was lost, or maybe her car had broken down. There was a college in the next town and she looked about that age. Probably a freshman who'd only been in the area a month at best, she got turned around in the dark and couldn't find her way back.

She was kind of pretty, in a girl-next-door way. Her shoulder length brown hair was a bit messy from the light wind that was blowing, her eyes were a soft hazel tone. Her face was rounded and she had a cute nose, and her wide pink lips seemed expressive. Overall she looked like a friendly, likeable person.

"Hello?" I asked. "What can I do for you?"

She looked relieved that I opened the door, and she gave me a hopeful smile. "Thanks for answering! I seem to have gotten myself a little bit lost, and I saw your light was on. I'm sorry to impose but I was wondering if I could come in and sit down for a while?"

I suppressed a sigh, but I couldn't turn down someone in trouble. I sure couldn't send her off into the cold night like that. Meanwhile I still had that warm feeling going through me from the tea and I was trying to keep my thoughts focused on my dad while talking to this lost girl.

"Um, sure," I replied as I stepped aside and motioned her in. "Come inside, it's a cool night to be out there without a coat or jacket."

The girl thanked me as she moved past me and into the house. She kind of confirmed my out-of-town student theory as she commented, "I didn't realize it would be so brisk around here tonight."

I led her into the living-room then gestured at the sofa and said, "Make yourself comfortable. Can I get you something to drink? Water, soda, or if you want to warm up I could make tea or coffee?"

She smiled at me, and the look of warmth and gratitude on her face melted my heart a little. "Some water would be great, thank you so much."

"Don't mention it," I replied with a little smile of my own. I quickly poured her a glass out of the filtered jug from the fridge, then brought it back and handed it to her.

I still felt torn as I settled back into dad's recliner again. That warmth was flowing through me and I really wanted to focus on my dad and the spell, but I knew dad would be unhappy with me if I wasn't hospitable.

I was trying to figure out how to tell her I needed some quiet time to concentrate when she asked "I hope I didn't interrupt anything?"

"No miss," I started to say, but something caught in my throat. I didn't want to lie about it. I worried that might break whatever the spell was doing as it tried to connect me to dad's spirit.

I sighed and corrected myself, "Actually yeah. I just drank some um, magic tea. I'm trying to contact my dad."

The girl apologized, "I'm sorry. When you say you're trying to contact him...?"

"Yeah," I sighed again. "He passed on. I have to focus on him so the tea can help me reach him, wherever he is now."

"I'm so sorry," she gave me a really sad look. "Would it help maybe to talk about him? That might help you focus. I promise I'm a good listener."

Normally I wouldn't start talking about personal stuff like that to a stranger, but something about this girl set my mind at ease. Or maybe it was a side-effect of the tea. Whatever it was, I figured we didn't even know each other's names and we'd probably never see each other again. It couldn't hurt to share this with her, and like she said, it might help with the spell.

"My dad and I were like best friends," I told her. "We were that close. We could tell each other anything, we always had each other's backs. And we didn't really have anyone else, you know? But then he was killed, there was an accident at the factory where he worked."

It was probably the first time I was able to say that without tears. I attributed that to the tea as well. That warm feeling had spread pretty much all through me by this point, and I felt really calm and relaxed.

"Anyways, so I just turned eighteen recently. Finally old enough to buy the spell, and tonight's the new moon. So I'm looking forward to seeing him again. And talking to him again."

The girl listened quietly, she looked sad but hopeful. She gave me a sad smile, "You must love your dad very much. He sounds like a really good guy."

"He was," I nodded, and this time I did wipe a few tears away. "And there's something I need to talk with him about. It's stuff that was on my mind back then? I was just working up the courage to have that conversation, and suddenly it was too late. So tonight I'm going to finally get to talk to him about that stuff."

My guest drank some of her water then commented, "It must be something really important you want to tell him."

"It is," I agreed. "Back then I guess I was mostly hoping for some guidance, I was questioning stuff but I wasn't sure? Since he's been gone I've been figuring it out on my own. And I think I've got it figured out now. But I just really want to talk to him about it. I'm not sure that I want his approval or permission, but I want him to know."

The girl frowned, she looked thoughtful for a few moments. Finally she asked, "Would you be comfortable telling me about it? While you're waiting for him?"

That threw me for a moment and I took a couple deep breaths. Nobody knew this, not yet. It was exactly the sort of thing I needed to talk to my dad about first, before I was comfortable sharing it with others.

I felt calm though, and something about this girl made me feel like I could trust her. Like it was safe to talk to her about stuff. And I couldn't deny it was nice having someone to talk to like this. I spent so much of my time alone lately, having some company was a rare treat.

I excused myself first and got myself some water, and I refilled her glass too. Then I sat back down again and after a couple gulps to take care of my dry mouth I said "Ok. While I'm waiting for him I guess it won't hurt to tell you. It's um, this is stuff I've never told anyone else."

It took me another few seconds to work up the courage before I admitted it. "So I um, I think I'm trans. I was questioning when dad died, but since then I've pretty much figured myself out. And I guess I wanted to tell him, I wanted him to know. Maybe I need to know if he's ok with it?"

Despite the sense of calm I was getting from both her and the tea, I was still a little anxious how she'd react to my confession. But all she did was give me a look that was equal parts compassion, sadness, and hope.

"Thank you for trusting me with that," she replied. "I know it can't have been easy, and I'm honoured you shared it with me. It's a big step, and it's not an easy one to make, but figuring that out for yourself is huge. You should be very proud of yourself. Even if some people might try and tell you otherwise."

I sort of frowned at her, she sounded like she was speaking from experience. A moment later she confirmed my suspicions.

She added, "I'm the same, I just transitioned last spring."

"Wow," I said, then immediately regretted it. I never was that good with knowing what to say.

And I couldn't help looking her over again. She looked really good. Like I'd read you can get really good results with potions, especially if you knew the right person or got them from someone with experience doing that sort of thing. Until now though, I'd never met anyone who'd actually done it. I suddenly had a lot more questions for her, all relating to where she got her magic from and what was it like.

Before I could ask, the girl started talking again.

"I spent my whole life being something I wasn't, and for most of that time I didn't even know what was wrong. Even when I did figure it out, I kept it to myself. I was worried what my family might think, how they'd react. Now I know that was silly on my part, and I really wish I'd spoken up back then. I wish I hadn't left it for so long."

She sighed slightly as she looked sad for a moment, then she shrugged "Anyways, things happened and at long last I was finally free to be myself."

The girl fixed her eyes on mine and added "It's beautiful that you want to talk to your old man again and want to tell him, but however that plays out please don't let it hold you back?"

I had another gulp of water then shrugged, "I'll try not to. I really want to talk with him again though."

"I understand," she replied. "If I remember right, that tea's good till sunrise? So there's still several hours left to go."

That caught my interest. I didn't think a lot of people knew that spell existed, let alone how it worked. But if she'd used magic to transition then she obviously had a contact or knew someone.

"You're familiar with it?" I asked her. "I guess you know a mage or something? Sorry if this is rude but I'm guessing you used a potion to transition?"

She shrugged, "Something like that. You obviously know about that stuff too I take it? There's potions or even teas that can help you transition, that can get you the body you should have had from the start. Are you going to do that next?"

"Maybe," I replied, though I couldn't help blushing a little. "I honestly don't know yet? It's a big step, and I'm kind of scared. I really want to do it, but...yeah. It's a lot. And right now what I want most is to talk to my dad again. I need to tell him all this. I need to know what he thinks."

The girl gave me another sympathetic smile and responded, "Like I said it's beautiful you want to share that with your dad, but whatever happens tonight you can't let it hold you back. Being true to yourself is the most powerful thing you can do. And I'm sure your dad would agree."

I just sighed as I nodded noncommittally. I couldn't help but wonder if dad would actually show up, or if having this stranger here messed things up. Especially since it was getting harder and harder to concentrate on dad while maintaining a conversation with this girl.

I started trying to think of a polite way I could excuse myself. I figured I could go wait alone in the kitchen and focus on dad again. Before I could ask though she spoke up again.

"Hey, I was wondering," she said in a hopeful voice, "Have you picked out a new name yet?"

I blushed but nodded "Yeah, I have. That's another thing I wanted to talk to dad about."

The girl smiled, "I know this is a big ask, but would you share it with me?"

She was right, that was a big ask. I frowned as I hesitated and thought it over. It was something else I wanted to tell my dad before anyone else, and it was really personal. But then I'd already told her I was trans and that was just as personal, and I'd been planning on telling that to dad first too.

My guest stayed quiet as I thought about it. She drank some more of her water as she waited patiently.

I finally took a deep breath then told her, "Sarah. I'm going to be called Sarah."

"That's a beautiful name," she replied with a kind smile. "It's lovely to meet you, Sarah."

Hearing her say it, hearing someone speak my new name out loud, address me, call me that name struck me a lot harder than I ever imagined possible. I felt my throat choke up and tears in my eyes as the emotions started to overwhelm me.

The girl stood up and moved to me. She leaned over and pulled me into a hug as she whispered, "It's ok hon. I didn't mean to make you cry but it's ok, you're allowed to. You can be yourself. It's ok to be who you really are."

Despite her words I fought to blink back the tears and get control of myself. It felt good to be held though, I hadn't been hugged in years.

After a minute or two I got my emotions under control, but she kept her arms around me. I was about to ask her to let go, but she must have sensed that.

Instead she held me a little closer and spoke softly in my ear.

"My name would have been Amanda, if I'd been brave enough to come out and tell you when I had the chance. It was wonderful to see you again. I was always proud to call you my son, and I'm even more proud knowing you're my daughter. Take care of yourself Sarah. I'm sorry I had to leave you last spring, and I'm sorry I have to leave you again now. I love you hon."

It took two or three heartbeats for that to sink in, then the dam burst. I couldn't hold back those tears, and I didn't even try. She continued to hold me as I let it all out, and I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her back.

Eventually I managed to cry myself to sleep curled up there in her old chair, with the memory of her arms around me.

• • • • •

I found myself at that run-down strip mall once again. The full moon was tonight, and according to my research that was the best time for transformative magic to do its thing.

After taking a moment to calm my nerves, I pulled open the door and stepped inside.

Last time I was there it took me almost a quarter of an hour to work up the courage to talk to the woman but today I went straight up to the counter.

She obviously remembered me from before, she greeted me then asked with a hopeful smile "I take it the tea worked out ok for you?"

"Yes ma'am," I nodded. "It was..."

My voice faltered as memories of that night two weeks ago threatened to overwhelm me again. The experience brought back some of the loss, sadness, and grief. In a way it was like losing dad a second time. But as much as it hurt, it was also good. There was joy, hope, love, and acceptance.

And I knew that wherever dad was now, she was happy. She was finally free to be herself, and she wanted me to do the same.

I blinked away a few would-be tears as I recovered and continued, "Like you said, the emotions were powerful. But it was good. Very very good."

"I'm glad to hear that hon," she replied. "And what brings you back here today?"

This was it, and it took me a couple more deep breaths to bring myself to say it. "I'd like to buy a transformation spell. I want to be my true self."

The lady didn't seem surprised or shocked. She replied, "I already know you're eighteen, but I do have to confirm what you're asking for hon. You want a trans-formation spell? And you know there's some other paperwork I'll need to see for that right?"

"Yes ma'am," I stated, though I could feel my cheeks colouring slightly. I pulled the folded papers out of the courier bag I had hanging from my shoulder like a purse, "I saw the magistrate three days ago. My new ID is coming in the mail, but in the meantime this should be enough?"

She barely looked at the notarized forms before handing them back, "That's fine hon. I just needed to know. Part of the rules and regulations."

I nodded, I knew all that. And something told me she knew I knew it. I also realized she'd been calling me 'hon' today rather than 'son'. Something told me she knew a lot more than she let on.

Same as last time, the price was a lot less than what I was expecting. And like before I didn't question or complain.

After I paid with my bank card she asked, "Is it ok with you if I blend this as another tea? I find it's easier on the stomach that way. It'll take a few minutes for me to prepare it, if you don't mind waiting."

"Tea is fine," I replied. "And I don't mind waiting."

She smiled, then disappeared into the back room. About ten minutes later she returned holding another little brown paper bag. The label on this one indicated it was 'Trans-formation Tea', prepared today. Rather than an expiry date it just said 'use tonight'.

"Here you go," she said as she handed it over. "Take it after dinner. You'll find it makes you sleepy so plan on an early night. I'm sure you already know it's the full moon so tonight's the best night to use it? When you wake up tomorrow you'll be your true self."

I had trouble containing my smile as I accepted the bag. "Thank you. Thanks for everything!"

"You're welcome hon," she replied with another kindly smile.

Just like last time I had to force myself not to rush out the door in my eagerness to get back home.

The rest of the afternoon was an exercise in patience, but I forced myself to take it easy.

When it was time, I ate a small wholesome dinner then did the dishes and tidied up the kitchen. Finally I put the kettle on, and once it was boiling I brewed the tea. And when it was ready I settled into dad's recliner again with the mug in hand.

This one looked and smelled like an herbal blend. There was a pink hue to the liquid, and the aroma carried hints of carnations, roses, and undertones of sweet spices. There was no taste though, same as the other magic tea.

It only took me a few minutes to drink it all, then I took the mug into the kitchen. I was already feeling the warmth deep inside me, along with a shudder of excitement. As I got ready for bed I worried I might not be able to sleep, but I drifted off only a few moments after my head touched the pillow.

And as I slept, I dreamed of dad again.

She told me how happy and proud she was that I was being true to myself. I was already my true self in my dreams, but she knew I'd taken the steps to make that a reality.

In my dreams I had her hazel eyes and wide pink lips. My hair was light-brown and wavy, and it hung a few inches past my shoulders. As Sarah I was a few inches shorter than when I thought I was a guy. My shoulders were narrow, same as my waist. My hips and behind stuck out more, but not so much as to make me uncomfortable. Same with my chest, my breasts were firm and perky, like there was no mistaking they were there but at the same time they weren't so big as to get in the way or cause me problems. My arms and legs were slim and smooth, my hands and feet almost seemed small and delicate.

Except now it wasn't just a dream, not anymore. When I got up in the morning and looked in the mirror, I saw the real me smiling back.

I was Sarah. And I could feel Amanda was out there somewhere, smiling down on me.

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