Note: Content warning for slight self harm

---

 

…

"Are you awake?"

...

My vision came into focus to see Emma in front of me.

"Hey there," she said in a soft voice, "It's going to be okay. You're safe."

I didn't say anything. My head rolled side to side to see where I was. Still behind the bushes, but it was a lot darker out.

"Can you get up?"

Without making a sound, I tried to roll over, but even that didn't work as I fell back down. My arms, abs, legs, and everything felt like they'd been pounded on by a hammer they were so sore.

"Help," I said as I focused on breathing steadily.

"Okay, I got you," she said as she grabbed my arms and pulled me up. The moment I got on my feet I almost fell face first, but she caught me and put my arm around her shoulder. "I told the nurse I'm taking you home. I parked just around the corner."

She walked me down the grassy hill.

"Thanks for coming…"

"Don't mention it. Just relax. Do you want to work on your projects when we get back? I know I work with construction and it's not the same as what you do, but I can still spend some time with you when you work."

 

---

Robbie coming to my home and telling them everything I've done.

---

 

"No just. Please let me sit. No talking." I said, still dazed.

She nodded and didn't say a word as she opened the door and guided me into the passenger's seat.

 

+++

I don't deserve someone like Emma.

I'd be lost without her.

I hold her back from moving out and getting a life.

+++

 

"Do you like living at home with me?" I asked with my head resting against the window and stared out.

"Of course I do. What makes you ask something like that?"

"Because I don't wanna hold you back..." I said as I turned to look at her. She put her thinking face on for a moment before responding. 

"I know how much you depend on me, but that's not something to worry about. If I didn't want to help then I wouldn't have stuck around for so long."

I looked back out the window.

 

+++

She only wants to help because she feels she has to.

She's saying she wants to stay so she doesn't stress me out.

+++ 

 

I didn't say anything else for the entire car ride back. I just stared out the window and tried to look at everything moving past the window. It was the only thing I could think of to keep my mind busy.

When we pulled into our driveway, Emma opened up the door for me and helped me inside.

"Where do you want me to put you?" Emma asked.

"In my room please."

She helped me to my room and laid me down on my bed.

"Just call if you need anything, alright?"

"I will," I said as I wrapped myself in my blanket.

"Do you want the door opened or closed?"

"Closed please."

She closed the door. The only light in the room was from the line of light that came from under the door.

 

---

Laying in bed. Fixated on the light to see if it was safe tonight. 

---

 

"Emma!" I shouted as I turned my head away from it and pulled the blanket up to my head.

Seconds later the light disappeared.

"Sorry! My head's all over the place today. Are you alright?"

 

---

The line of light breaking.

---

 

I clenched my eyes and gripped my blanket.

"I'll be fine, " I said. I wasn't sure if I was loud enough for her to hear.

"I'll be right outside for a bit longer. Just call me if you need me."

It was too dark to count anything.

Esmer. I could talk to Esmer.

 

Hey, you've been too quiet. What's going on?

 

No response.

 

I know you're there. Say something.

 

Still nothing.

 

Please. After today I know there was a lot of crap between us, but please don't ignore me right now. I need a distraction…

 

Still not a peep from her.

Fine.

Big breath in through the nose-

 

Everything will somehow work out.

 

-And out through the mouth.

In through the nose-

 

Everything is going to be okay.

 

-Out through the mouth.

 

---

The door cracking open.

---

 

Still no good.

Only thing left.

I pressed my nails against my shoulder and squeezed.

This was still disgusting to me, but it worked to focus on something.

It went on like this for the next hour or two until I finally passed out from exhaustion. 

 

---

"Come and eat dinner with us. The table's set."

…

"Get down here now."

...

Sitting down next to Father as we ate.

…

---

 

My eyes shot open in the middle of the night as I was in the middle of sitting up. A burst of pain ran through my entire back and front as I fell back on the bed. I would have cried out if I wasn't so damn tired and achy.

There was no way in hell I was going to be able to go to school today, so I just laid there until it got light out.

A knock on my door came, "Hey, it's Emma. How you doing?"

"Fiiiine."

"I need to go to work in a bit. Are you able to get out of bed?"

"Hoooold oooon." I lazily said as I rolled off my bed, but the next thing I know, my back landed on the floor. I stretched out with a yawn and almost fell asleep right there and did my absolute best to forget my life was basically over thanks to Robbie.

"What was that sound?"

Staring up at the ceiling, I knew this day was going to kick my ass. Not only was all this going on with my body, but my stomach was rumbling like an engine. "I fell out of bed."

"Do you want me to come in and help you?"

"Yes please."

She opened the door and found me sprawled out with part of the blanket still on me. She tried to hide a smile, but I was waaay too good to not notice that.

"You look comfy."

"I like sleeping on the floor," I said to try and banter with her again, but my stomach rumbled again. "I'm way too hungry. I need to get up and eat something." With her poorly hidden smile still there, she walked over and picked me up by my hands like she did before. After stumbling to my feet, I really didn't want to go anywhere. "Is it okay if I stay home?"

"I don't want you staying home by yourself when you're like this."

"Well how am I supposed to go anywhere when I can barely walk?"

"You'll be sitting down most of the time, and I don't want you to miss too many days. Your grades are low enough as it is."

"Hey, I have an A and a couple C's. That's perfectly fine."

"Most are low C's and D's," Emma shot back, "And the only reason you have an A in one is because of shop."

I was going to lose this talk big time if I tried to argue, sooo I ignored it altogether as she helped me walk out into the kitchen. The moment I got there I went right for the fridge and grabbed everything I could. Leftover pancakes, milk for cereal, leftover chicken. I threw the pancakes and chicken on a plate and put it in the microwave. While I waited for that, I made myself a bowl of cereal.

"I know you're hungry, but don't eat too much."

Leaning on the table, "I don't even think this will be enough for me, and I don't even want to eat."

"Well Mom already left for work, so after you're done eating and you get ready, then I'll give you a ride. If you need me, then call, but I'm going to be late. I got us a new client, so we're going to be really busy today setting everything up."

The microwave dinged and I sat down with my plate of food and cereal.

"What about if I gave you all of this amazing food to let me stay home?" I asked her as I motioned to the meal in front of me.

"Not gonna work. Also I already ate. Sorry, but if you're real good and you go to school, then I'll take us out to Rigby's for dinner. Just the two of us."

My entire body perked up at that. "School? Of course I'll go. I love school."

She sat up straight with a proud smile. "I thought you'd like that. It's been awhile and you deserve a treat." She got up. "I'm going to go get ready. Let me know when you're done.

"Will do." I said as the best sister ever walked off.

I didn't waste any time, and would have beaten out any pig in an eating contest. Easily cleared it in less than a minute, but I was still hungry, which sucked because I already ate everything that I wouldn't have to actually cook.

So, as sad as it was, I was going to have to go the rest of the morning hungry.

I put all I had in me to stand up and shuffle into the living room to wait for Emma to come down. In the meantime though.

 

Esmer? Are you back from wherever yet?

...

Still nothing. Now I was starting to get worried. Why the hell would she just disappear like that? I didn't want to think she was gone, but I didn't understand why this happened.

Emma walked down from upstairs. "Are you already done?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, do you need help walking out to the car?"

"I might as well try myself. I'm gonna need to if I want to go to school."

It took some time, but I made my way outside and into the car allll by myself.

 

---

Robbie's backpack under the table.

---

 

I stopped dead and wanted to scream. I had to get that bag to school today and give it to one of Robbie's friends. Maybe it'll make him see some sense about this blackmail crap.

"Wait," I said as I headed towards the garage, "I just need to get something."

Emma was of course going to question me to hell and back about it, but I didn't have any choice if I wanted to try and keep things from falling apart.

She stood by the car and waited for me. I opened the garage door and looked under the table to see it. I'd have to bend down to get it. This was going to suck, but I took a deep breath in and leaned forward. Every part of my body screamed as I reached under and pulled it out. It sounded like glass moving around, but I really didn't want to question it. 

Taking it with me, I closed the garage back up and headed to the car.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Robbie's backpack. I was holding it for him."

"Holding it for what?"

"Do you remember Friday? That uh...little fight I got into?"

"Yes," she said as she eyed me suspiciously.

"And how Robbie's been dealing with some bullies?"

"Get to the point."

"I got into a fight with Robbie while he was dealing with his bullies, which made him run off and he left his backpack, so I brought it home with me and put it in a safe place so I could give it to him later."

She studied me and thought it through. "Alright," she said as she got into the car.

Holy hell. Was it because she felt bad for me? That seemed way easier than it should've been.

We pulled out and headed off to school.

It was pretty quiet as usual, but this would have been my first day without Robbie there to help me through it. What was worse is that my body was all kinds of messed up right now. I had to think of something to help me get through the day besides Rigby's.

If I had Esmer then there'd be some hope to at least talk to someone. She'd probably say something like 'We should try to help Robbie's friends' and- wait, that actually wasn't a bad idea. Good job, me!

But what the hell was I going to do? There are the people at his table, but Sophie would probably push me away before I even said a word.

What made it worse is that she was probably going to act like a high and mighty ass about beating me up, even if I had my hands full with Robbie's chair. Seriously, who would be proud of a win like that? Probably someone like Sophie.

It wasn't like thinking about it right now would change any of that though. It wasn't long before we pulled into the parking lot.

"Alright, you have a safe day at school. I'll come back and pick you up if I can, but you will probably have to take the bus."

"Thanks," I said as I slooowly moved myself out of the car.

The walk to the doors was the worst part of the day so far. Not just because my legs wanted to crumble, but because I still  didn't have any idea of how today was going to go, and that was terrifying me. 

When I pushed open the doors, it was even worse than usual, because now people were looking at me! I know that that crazy psycho girlfriend got a cheap shot, but that was yesterday. Old news.

I first headed to my locker to put Robbie's bag in and made my way to first period. And surprise surprise. It was the single dullest start to the day yet. At least when Robbie was sick before I could plan for tomorrow, but this time? Nothing.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. I had to think of some way to make sure Robbie never says a word to anyone about me waking up his anima, but he's going to be in there for a few days at least. The best I could do was make up with his friends. If I could get them on my side, then maybe I could have a chance!

I could almost hear Esmer now. Not literally, but she'd be all 'Why would they ever side with you over Robbie?'

Great, now I was just making me miss her more, but even still. Something was different today. It was doom and gloom like usual, but I could barely remember the last time I could just think like this, even if it's only really been a few days since everything started. Maybe it was something to do with Esmer, or maybe it was dinner with Emma at Rigby's, but something was making me feel not utterly terrible.

…

 

Wake up already!

 

…

Nothing, but the bell did ring, so I went to my second period class. Usually I had this class with Sophie, but she wasn't here. Probably got suspended after all that. That made this perfect for getting to know Robbie's friends!

Second period ended, and everything up to lunch was exactly what I expected. I spent most of the morning just trying to keep myself from falling asleep. School made me actually almost fall asleep, but I wasn't allowed to. That pissed me off far more than it should have, but it was also impressive as hell.

Finally, lunch came. I grabbed my food and Robbie's bag from my locker and sat at my usual table to say my goodbyes.

When they all sat down, I stood up and picked up my tray. "Hey guys. I'm gonna go try and sit with some people because I need to talk some stuff out with them." I then turned around and walked off in about as awkward of a way as you could imagine. They probably didn't care though, so it was all good.

I walked over to Robbie's table and sat down at his usual seat.

"No," the curly-haired girl across from me said, "You're not sitting here. Go away before I tell a teacher." 

I planted Robbie's bag on the table. "I'm not here to fight, I just want to talk. Alright? Can I do that? I wanted to give you guys Robbie's backpack."

"Why did you even have it in the first place?" The strong looking guy next to her said.

"Uhh that's a long story you don't need to hear, but I was keeping it safe for Robbie because he ran home Friday without it. And since he's not here, I wanted to give it to you guys so you can give it to him when he gets back."

Meanwhile the girl next to me scooted her chair away from me until she was basically on top of the person next to her. 

"That doesn't change any of what you did," the girl across from me said.

"I know. I know I was a massive asshole to him but I need to make it up to him, and the only thing I got left is to help his friends."

"There's nothing we want from you," she said.

"Come on. You guys sit with Robbie. You guys have to have some kind of bully problem too that I could help with."

"Do you really think we get bullied just because we're friends with Robbie?" The stronger kid asked.

"You sit with Robbie and you're telling me that not one of you deals with that kinda stuff?"

"Even if we, then didn't we wouldn't tell you," The girl across from me said.

"Well can I at least know your names if you're not going to tell me?"

...

Silence as they all stared at me. 

…

"Come ooon this isn't some kind of trick. You think I wanted to push Robbie that far? I'm actually trying to help but I didn't get anywhere with Robbie and I just need something going for me to start making it up to him."

"No, fuck this," curly hair girl said and got up.

"I'm one of the biggest kids in school. You seriously have no one you want me to stop?"

That got her to at least pause and look at me.

"You expect us to think you're all of a sudden nice?"

"No but just-" I paused and planted my hands in my lap. "It's not all of a sudden, alright? I don't know how much you know but a lot of stuff happened. Robbie deserves to have everything be made up to him, but I can't do that without your guy's help."

She stood there with that judgmental stare before looking at the girl next to me that scooted away. The shy girl very slowly shook her head.

"No. Now go away before I get the teacher."

Well at least I knew who had the problem now.

"Fine fine. Alright, I'll leave."

Without another word I got up and walked slowly back to my old table.

"That was quick," someone said.

"They're busy talking about something private right now," I said. 

They accepted that and went back to being quiet. This was already way better than that other table already. Too much talking.

After lunch, the rest of the day was like the morning. Tired, dull and a sense of impending doom that I couldn't get rid of. I stepped foot into Shop class, but even this was dull and empty. What the hell was going on? I went to sit at my usual spot and slumped down. At least I figured out who to keep an eye on to help. Better yet, they can't say not to help if I already rough up whoever's messing with her, then I could show them I was serious about helping.

Mr. Roland walked in along with everyone else and started class. It was just going over everyone's project. When he got to mine, he spent quite a bit of time inspecting it. Making sure it didn’t wobble and all that.

“Good as any chair I’ve seen in most stores. Really good work here Kendall.”

Damn right it was as good as a professional! At least there was this to brighten the day. 

“Thank you.”

With that boost to my mood, I went to sit in my corner for the rest of the day and slouched down over the desk. 

"Kendall," Mr. Roland said, "Come talk with me for a bit."

At least it would have been for the rest of the day if he didn't have to continue to fuck everything up. I groaned in exhaustion and pain as I stood up and walked out of the room with him and he turned to face me.

"I wanted to check in on how you were doing after everything. I know that with Robbie and Sophie it was probably a tough weekend."

"Tough? I don't know how things could have gone any worse."

"Well, they could have. Just know that your anima helped a lot. I wanted to both thank them myself, and just fill you in on some other stuff."

"How the hell could things have gotten any worse?" I asked as I leaned against the wall to help rest my legs.

"I don't want to get into specifics. But I do want to tell you why I woke yours up. My anima works off of probability. He makes it where I can see vague details about some upcoming events. And the percentage chance of what could change it. Something was going to happen, and waking yours up was really the thing I could think of that had an okay chance of working."

I stared at him at a complete loss of what he just said.

"You wanna say that again in a way I can understand? What do you mean with all that percent stuff? And I don't care if you don't want to say. I want to know what you think was going to happen."

"Our power. Mine let's me sorta gamble on situations," he said as he completely ignored my other question.

"I still have no idea what you're talking about. And answer my question."

"...Do you not know about powers yet?"

"Why the hell would I know about any powers or something?"

"Seriously? How on earth do you not least do a basic search to learn more?"

That burning anger in my chest from yesterday returned as I looked him dead in the eye and pushed myself off the wall.

"The only fucking research I did was how illegal it was to give someone a anima because I was too busy fixing the mess with Robbie that you started by giving me Esmer in the first place and the entire weekend I was fixing his chair and when I finally thought things could just calm down Sophie sends me to the hospital because she's fucking crazy."

I stopped to take a breath.

"And I find out what I almost did to Robbie and the one chance I get to talk to him he threatens to blackmail me. Yes, fucking blackmail and gets me to get him his anima, And thanks for that by the way. I so fucking appreciate you not telling me doing this was illegal. I only have a hundred other things on my mind all the time. It's not like I needed to know something that'll get me thrown in jail. So thank you. Thanks for screwing up my life more than it already was. And again. What the hell did you think was going to happen?"

By the end of that rant I was winded, tired and felt like today was going to be ruined.

"I'm sorry," he said as he folded his arms, "I didn't mean to put you in that position. I didn't have time to tell you everything, and I thought it'd put you off if I did tell you. At the least I thought you'd look this stuff up right after."

"I don't look things up normally because I don't care enough. I go home, go to my room and just work. I don't watch the news or look stuff up because I don't care. All I wanna do is sit in my room and work. That's it."

"Okay. I understand," he said as he stood up straight and rubbed his neck, "So just to be clear. You woke up Robbie's anima?"

"Yeah, and the only reason I'm telling you that is because I know you won't tell since you did the same thing. " I leaned against the wall again and gently rubbed my face since it still stung, "Then right that, he told me that waking them up is illegal."

"That's...Wow, Okay. Was anyone else around to see this? Because that could actually get him in a lot of trouble. A lot more than you."

"It was just the two of us, but why would that get him in more trouble?"

"You're a young freshmen in high school. Who not only got it a few days ago because your teacher tricked you into waking yours up, but you also didn't know anything about them as well. They're not going to punish you that much. They'd probably even see you as the victim in all this."

Seriously!? Holy fuck this was the one and only good bit of news since this started I got! Besides Rigby's with Emma, obviously.

"But," he continued, "If Robbie intentionally tricked you into waking up his anima knowing full well it was illegal. That's going to make things a lot more difficult for him. He could be the one getting in big trouble."

And it sounded like I could turn this against Robbie and pay him back for yesterday!

…

That really didn't sit well with me.

"Well, no one else needs to know that. So he doesn't have to get in trouble."

"That's actually the second thing I needed to talk to you about. The government does have ways to track anima, so someone's going to approach you at some point to ask you about how you woke yours up. I want you to just tell the truth to them. That I woke up your anima and that you didn't know anything about them."

Right away a lump pushed its way up into my throat "How the hell would they know that?"

"It goes back to those powers. They have some people who can track other anima."

Wait, so if that was true, then they could find me, and that meant…

"So they know Robbie has one already?" I asked.

"No. It takes them a while. Maybe a week or so, but I need to get back in and continue class. I just wanted to fill you in on as much as I could. I also wanted to say thanks to your anima for helping. I know you brought in Robbie's chair yesterday morning. I didn't have to be told you were the one that fixed it up with how much better it looked. I take it that's thanks to them?"

…

Why thank you. We know we're not good at this stuff at times, but we try. We'll keep doing our best to keep us in line.

…

"So it wasn't damaged?" I said with a hint of a smile, and decided to let go of him completely ignoring my question.

me wanting to know what was gonna happen. There was only so many worse things that could have happened, and I realized I didn't want to hear any of them.

"Not at all. Can I take this to mean you're done bullying him?

Without looking him in the eye, "Umm, Yeah... I've been trying to make it up to him after everything."

He leaned against the wall with me and let out a big sigh. "That's fantastic news. I don't know how Robbie will react, but I'm really proud of you for getting to this point."

"Thanks."

Even if it was someone like Mr. Roland saying it. Hearing someone say they're proud of me made me stand up a bit more straight with pride. Even if it did hurt.

"That's all I wanted to tell you, but I also want you to look up more about anima when you get home, alright? There's a lot to know about them and it's best not to be caught off guard."

I waved him off. "I will, but there's something else I need to ask."

"Alright, but make it quick. We already spent enough time out here."

"Do you know why Esmer kind of disappeared for awhile?"

He stopped dead and looked at me. I tried to just think it wasn't anything big, but he immediately looked worried.

"So you don't see or hear them?"

"I can't even feel them."

He rubbed his cheek, "They can sometimes get tired and need to rest, but that's not unless something really massive and mentally taxing happens. They'll come back when they're ready to wake up, but is anything bothering you? Anything at all?"

"No," I said and turned around to walk back into the classroom. I wasn't gonna deal with that kinda question today. Not when Rigby's was right around the corner. So, I went back to my corner and sat there. Nothing else was going to make me get up until school was over.