Wonderful news! We will now be posting on Fridays and Tuesdays! The same time as before. The chapters will be smaller, but on average it should be more than what we been putting out. This is mostly to break it up for us and give us more time. Less stress editing a big 4K chapter than a bite size 2K one.
We hope you all enjoy the new format!
I made my way home with Esmer by my side and opened the door to see Mom sitting at the kitchen table.
"Welcome home, Sweetie," she said as she messed with papers.
"Thank you, Ma'am."
I know we talked about doing that burnt wood thing, but no way in hell would Mom ever let me handle a blow torch.
You can still try and ask.
I will if we need it. I don't even know what material we're going to use yet.
I avoided eye contact with Mom and made it to my room to sit at my desk.
Now that we're alone.
You and I need to have a serious talk about you showing Malisa your marks.
I know it was bad.
No, you clearly don't.
That was really fucking stupid of you.
What happens if she tells someone and everyone finds out?
You don't even know what she's really like.
Just talking to her wasn't working.
I don't care.
That's no reason to show something that sensitive to someone like Malisa.
I thought you'd be happy I managed something like that.
No, and the only reason I didn't chew you out then and there was because we had matters to deal with.
Well what about that whole 'tell Robbie's friends about me being in the same ward as Robbie' bullshit you pulled?
A flash of anger came over me.
Because that would actually go to helping us in some way!
What you did was give someone you are trying to stop more power over us.
Don't ever give power to anyone that may want to hurt you.
And Robbie and Sophie don't want to hurt me?
Of course they do.
But do you even realize they're probably going to ask why you went after Robbie so much in the first place?
Yeah, because he was weak and fun to mess with.
No.
I mean the actual reason you started to bully him.
...Oh..
'Oh' is right.
There is a chance they won't care about the reason.
But I highly doubt that to be the case.
I only showed Malisa those scars because she had them herself. No way in hell am I'm not telling any of Robbie's friends anything. I'll just tell them I was bored or some shit.
Esmer sat on the desk.
I'm amazed and disgusted you still can't figure it out.
Fine.
Do you remember when you used to go to therapy?
Yeah and it was a big waste of time. Why are you even bringing that up?
You refused to say a word to her about what happened.
Yeah, and what's your point?
It was a waste of time because you didn't even bother to try to talk about it.
I've been keeping a close eye on things in here.
Even with everything that's happened, it hasn't changed much at all yet.
We're still hiding from it.
---
Being pulled into my room.
---
Stop.
Telling people that are safe about what happened.
It might actually be the start of the kind of recovery I want.
I said stop it. I don't need to tell anyone anything.
So much for telling Emma that it's not good to keep it bottled up.
That's different and you know it.
No it's not.
You just want to keep avoiding it and living in your shell.
My palms began to tingle and my eyes lost focus.
Are we really having a reaction just from this?
Esmer went to sit and lay down on my bed.
I hate this body.
Can't even handle the possibility of talking to someone about it.
---
Sitting in a doctors office, "I need you to tell me what happened so you can be admitted."
---
I grabbed my pencil and blueprint and stared at the sheet as I zoned out.
I know you don't remember a lot of it.
But that doesn't mean the memories aren't there.
---
Father pressing against me.
---
My pencil snapped in half.
Aren't you tired of living like this?
How I live is just fine.
Fine!?
That anger spread through my chest as she got up from my bed and walked over to me.
Look at your 'bed.'
I did as she asked and looked at it.
What about it?
You know what's wrong with it.
I want you to tell me what.
There's nothing wrong with it.
She knelt down.
Are you really so helpless you can't even say it?
I don't know what you want me to say.
It's a cot.
You sleep on a fucking cot, and you think that's fine?
I sleep on my bed.
No.
Stop lying to yourself.
You sleep on a cot because you can't handle sleeping on a soft bed.
I stared at the paper in front of me and tried to tune Esmer out.
Fine.
Look at your walls then.
Or can you not see a problem with them, either?
I still stared at my paper without moving an inch.
You really can't.
Not like it matters.
You can't even see the walls because you covered all four top to bottom with blueprints.
And you still want to say that's fine?
I thought we were going to work on this project? Why the hell are you trying so hard to remind me how screwed up everything is?
Because I don't want you wasting the first shot at progress you've actually got!
You'll miss it if you want to pretend everything's fine.
My chest started to burn as she paced around the room.
I want us to get better.
A part of that means having a normal room.
No more projects on the walls and no more cot.
That will only happen if you at least try to start facing our trauma.
And the best way to do that right now is to tell someone we can trust.
That's what I have Emma for.
Emma is very helpful, but she's family.
She also knows everything that happened already.
What does that have to do with anything?
Because opening up to someone that knows nothing, yet who we trust is a lot harder and a much bigger step.
That'll be the best chance to start working towards getting better.
I put my hands in my lap.
Well you're wasting your time because I don't have anyone like that, so thanks for making me feel more shitty than I already was.
There is hope that something good could happen with Robbie's friends.
Holly seems like someone you could get along with.
I sat there and didn't say a word as I slid down the chair.
Do you seriously just want to pretend everything's fine and stay as you are?
Of course I want to get better. But that's fucking terrifying, and way more personal than telling it in court. What if they just end up thinking I'm a slut?
If they're the right person, then they'd never do that.
You don't know that…
Then I'll kick their ass if they do.
A smile popped up.
I know it's kinda messed up, but I like you like this. Besides you being an asshole sometimes.
Well don't get used to it.
Even if you get a kick out of it.
It's still really unpleasant to have your negative thoughts mixed in with me.
There's a lot of emotions swirling around.
Then I'll promise we can deal with that as soon as we get all this done.
I ran my hands up and down my face, turned her and put my hands together.
But for now can I please just focus on this project? It's one of the only things that might work to warm Robbie up to us. And I want to get as much done before Robbie gets back as I can.
Esmer sat back down on my bed and sighed.
Yeah.
Can't be helped I supposed.
Sorry for getting you side tracked.
Thank you. Now. Did you have any ideas for this? I still don't know what to use for the wood.
Even if you can't use the black wood.
You should still use something high quality.
Yeah, but I don't have anything super amazing to work with.
Then you'll have to just make it look really nice to make up for it.
I guess that's the best I could do then.
I grabbed a bit of planning paper and started drawing. These were for pots, which were probably going to be pretty tall, but I still had no idea, so I took out my phone.
To Holly:
5:34: Do you know how tall Robbies plants are?
For now it'd be best to assume wide and tall.
Three shelves total to allow plenty of room.
Alright.
I started drawing down what I pictured, but it was turning into just another every day shelf. I wanted to put my best into this, and the only way that I was gonna do that was if I did something I haven't done yet.
What about trying to add in carvings?
That's very risky.
You don't have any practice with that.
Ehh yeah, I guess that's true. Well what else could I do then?
Let's play around with height.
Instead of just a basic shelf with sides and a back, you could have layered platforms.
That way no top will get in the way.
So you want no top or back to it. And just platforms set at different heights?
Exactly.
He could put the small ones up high and the bigger ones down at the bottom.
I fucking love you. That sounds like such a cool project!
Then get to work.
While I waited for her to text back, I scrapped what I was working on and started fresh with the new idea in mind.
From Holly:
5:45: I don't know
Lot of good that did.
It was worth a shot.
I sighed and leaned back in my chair.
Do you think Robbie's gonna even like this?
Right now?
I can't say.
But by the time you're done with it, then hopefully.
It might get a smile out of him.
His appreciation if nothing else.
Maybe.
His appreciation would be enough if it meant it came with him not fucking blackmailing me anymore.
It's something that you'll just have to wait and see with.
I guess…
The rest of the time was spent drawing up what I had in mind. Four different decent sized platforms that could hold three or four plants each with each of them at different heights. Overall, the structure was all planned out and ready to go.
I took a look outside and saw it was already getting dark. I didn't know how long I've been planning this, but I guess it was time to call it a day. Before I fell down on my bed, I looked at Esmer.
Hey, I know that things have been tough for you, but once everything with Robbie is dealt with, then I'm going to focus everything on getting you better. Alright?
You keep saying that, yet nothing's changed.
I'll believe it when I see it.
Well I promise you'll be the center of my attention.
I fell down onto my bed.
---
"You sent Robbie to the hospital!"
---
We just need the time to focus on everything with you. Can't do that when I start thinking about Robbie the moment I stop working…
There was silence between us, so I just decided to call it there for the night.
Good night.
Night.
Thank you for reading our chapter! We'd like to hear feedback on the smaller chapter sizes and see if it works.
