I walked out of my room and was determined to have the best victory dinner ever after getting Sophie and Ben on my side! Assuming that no weird attacks come up out of nowhere.
If more of those attacks come up, then it would be because of a different reason.
Well that's good to hear at least.
I sat down at the table next to Emma as Mom served us our food. Pork chops with rice. Not as amazing as tiny pancakes, but it'll do.
"You look happy," Emma said, "Did something happen today? I got your text saying you'd be with friends, but couldn't reply to it at the time."
"Yup. I had a fun time with them. It's been a busy week so I was just hoping I could rest for the weekend. So I just want to sit here. I did a ton of talking and I'm really tired now."
The smile on both of their faces couldn't be bigger. "That's lovely," Mom said.
"Yeah. When am I going to be able to meet one of these friends?"
Oh god. That'd be a nightmare.
It won't be for a long time.
There's nothing to worry about.
"I don't know." I went back to eating. "I only just started talking to them and I don't even know if we'll be friends after a week."
"That's fine," Emma said as she started to eat as well, "I don't want you feeling pressured into introducing them."
I didn't take my eyes off my food, "Maybe one day."
Mom and Emma talked about work after that and I took that chance to finish up my food. After I cleaned my plate, I dragged my feet to the couch and fell down over the arm in hopes I'd get a couple more hours of sleep. Fat load of good that was. All I did was stare up at the ceiling.
What do you thinks going to happen now? Any chance all that worked to get Robbie to ease up on me?
It's hard to say.
You can't even be sure that Robbie knows what's been going on.
He'll find out soon. I can't imagine the hospital keeping him for longer than a week.
Things might have worked out perfectly in terms of timing if that's the case.
If he gets out tomorrow, then everything will be fresh in Sophie's head.
I can only hope.
A moment of silence before those words echoed in my head again.
---
That was sweet of you.
---
I took out my phone and started a text to Holly, but I just stared at a blank white screen.
What do I say to her?
Why are you trying to send a message?
Why wouldn't I? I just want to talk to her.
You don't need to, so don't bother.
I looked over at Esmer sitting on the chair, looking right at me.
Well too bad.
To Holly:
5:23 PM: Hey. I never did that kind of stuff to Robbie.
…
To Holly:
5:23 PM: I mean I did some of that stuff but what I did to Malisa was on a whole other level and I never wanted to take it that far with Robbie.
…
To Holly:
5:23 PM: Not saying that I didn't push him because I know I pushed him hard but I never wanted for him to do what he did.
I let the phone drop to my side
…
I picked it back up and opened another text to Holly.
To Holly:
5:24 PM: Sorry
Don't you think this is getting excessive?
No.
To Holly:
5:24 PM: So what kind of things do you like to do?
You already asked that on the bus.
To Holly:
5:24 PM: Sorry I forgot I asked that already.
I never knew it was possible, but you're somehow more awkward over text.
Shut it. I'm not used to talking to someone like this.
This can hardly be considered talking to.
It's closer to talking at.
Yeah well it's better than nothing.
I doubt that's true.
To Holly:
5:25: Hey do you want to hang out later?
As much as I don't want you getting too close to Holly.
I want them to think you're a creep even less.
At least give her time to respond.
You sent all those in maybe three minutes.
Yeaaaah you're probably right.
"Oh," Emma said as she poked her head over the couch. "Will you be alright if I bring a friend over?"
I lifted myself up. "Who?"
"An old friend I went to college with is in town for a while. Something to do with work."
"Is he safe?"
"As safe as I am. He actually works as a cop of sorts."
"Him being a cop really doesn't make me feel any better…"
"I mean he's not technically a cop. He works with the government to help track down people with anima."
The color and life drained from my face in an instant.
You don't think…
We don't know how common something like this is.
We have to assume he's coming here because of us.
"How long is he gonna be in town?"
"He said for a while. He might be here on Sunday or Monday. Didn't get an exact date, but he's a really good friend and I want to have him over for drinks."
"If you say so...and wait, drinks?"
"I'm not going to overdo it. Promise."
I fell back on my back. "Alright."
If he comes here then he might find out about us.
He's apparently going to find out about us either way.
And trying to stop Emma from seeing him isn't going to work.
If anything it'd just make her upset that we're trying to block her from seeing a friend.
"He's already in town, but he's been busy. Apparently there's someone going around waking up a bunch of anima and they're trying to find out who's behind it."
"Uhhh how do they find them?"
"I think it's some kind of sense? I don't know how it works really, but something to do with being able to feel them out the closer they are. So they need to do a lot of moving around."
If that's what it is then maybe we can find some place to hide out when he's here.
We don't exactly have any friends we trust that we could stay with overnight.
Maybe I could go out for a walk or something?
Walking around outside at night when we don't need to?
Stop being stupid.
I fell back down and rolled over to my side.
Maybe I should just let him find out about you? Mr. Roland did say I'd be the victim.
That's certainly an option.
"Can you tell me before he visits?" I asked Emma.
"Was going to. I'll tell you a few hours before he gets here."
"Thanks."
My phone vibrated and my entire body jerked as I rushed to look at it.
From: Holly
5:32 PM: Do you want to come over tomorrow morning? Happy to have you over, but I don't know if you'll have fun. Do you like games?
That perked me right up.
Wasn't expecting her to actually say yes.
This is a big mistake.
We don't know what her family is like.
Then I can invite her over here instead.
And do what?
We don't have anything in our room except a desk and a weight room.
Hardly anything to entertain someone.
I don't have to go anywhere near her parents.
You don't know that.
For all we know she has the same kind of room we do, and we end up spending most of the time in the living room with her family.
The only right answer is to tell her we're not interested anymore.
Why the hell are you trying so hard to stop me from spending time with her?
Because she's not safe for you.
Bullshit. She couldn't hurt a fly.
And neither could Robbie, then he hit you in the face with a two-by-four.
That's different. I kinda deserved that. Besides, you saw how happy she was when I was teaching Malisa a lesson. She even said I was sweet.
She said what you did was sweet.
There's a difference.
Whatever.
To: Holly
Sounds good. What kind of-
Before I finished typing it, Esmer stood up and practically pried my hands off the phone and let it drop next to me.
I told you.
She's not safe.
This again? Even someone like me knows there's nothing dangerous about her.
There are plenty of dangers about her.
You just don't see it.
I sat up and crossed my arms as I glared at Esmer.
Then what's dangerous about her?
She placed her hands on her lap as she sat next to me.
I can't say, but you need to trust me.
I'm getting really sick of these secrets.
I know…
I grabbed the phone again and held it up.
Give me one reason why she's dangerous, or I'm going to go over to her house.
…Fine.
She's trying to be nice to get close to you so she can hurt you.
'That was so sweet'?
You've been hanging onto her words all day.
What's more stupid is you're lowering your guard around her.
It's going to your head and it's going to blow up in your face.
Maybe I'm happy to hear something like that, but that doesn't mean she's a danger.
Again, you have no idea what her parents are like.
What if they're like father?
Then I'll get the hell out of there before they can do anything, and I'd have Emma come pick me up.
Still not enough?
She's best friends of the person you bullied endlessly.
Are you really that stupid to think she'd just invite you to her house like nothing if there wasn't a big plan?
She's going to hurt you and your dumb ass is making it easy.
But she saw me take care of her bully. She knows I'm trying to make it up to them…
Esmer wrapped her arms around me and dragged me into a hug.
Why don't you try to hang out with Sophie instead?
Getting on her good side would be a lot better for you.
Hold on. You don't want me to hang out with Holly, but you're fine with Sophie of all people?
…
Yes.
…
I finished typing the text to Holly-
To: Holly
5:44 PM: Sounds good. What kind of games? And what time?
-and hovered my thumb over send.
One more chance to tell me what's so bad about Holly that you'd rather I hang out with Sophie instead.
She didn't break the hug, but she was feeling more distant than before.
…I'm sorry, but I can't.
I'll just have to hope things work out with Holly I suppose.
I hit send.
I really wish you'd stop hiding stuff from me. It's getting old.
She placed her forehead against the side of my head as she hugged me.
I'm sorry I'm causing you so much trouble.
Please don't forget I'm trying my best.
You're right, though.
You deserve to at least know what's going on in here.
Not the reason for why I want to stay away from Holly.
But there's been a lot going on…
Anxiety spiked through my body, even as she held me.
Is it really that bad that you're feeling this just from bringing it up?
It is.
That's why I want to explain this quickly.
I sat up and watched her closely as my heart pounded.
Ever since I came about when talking with Mr. Roland, we got more control over some parts of our mind.
At the same time, we lost a lot of control in other parts.
Keeping painful memories back is taking a lot more work than before.
I don't know how long I'm going to be able to keep them out.
What the fuck? I thought we agreed no more repressing!
Her tone changed to sound like she was trying to hold back tears.
I know we did, but these aren't just negative thoughts we're pushing back.
There's almost, quite literally, a basement full of terrible memories you don't remember.
Some even I've started to forget.
It was easy when I was- I guess asleep?
When I wasn't here with you like I am now.
But now…
She broke the hug and held up her hand, where some weird black stuff leaked out of her wrist joint.
This stuff is what I've been trying to hold back ever since I woke up.
It didn't get this bad until I tried to repress our thoughts in the hospital, but it's been getting worse.
I don't know how to stop it.
She curled up into a ball on the couch as I was feeling her fear stronger than ever, and it made me want to run to my room and hide under my blanket.
It's all growing behind a door I stuffed it in.
…So if you let all that go, then what'll happen?
I believe it's going to all flood out if I stop repressing.
Every last memory.
More of that stuff started to leak from her neck and waist joints.
Okay you're really starting to fucking freak me out. Can't you let just a little out? Like take a little off the top and keep everything else back there?
I wish.
If I open the door…
There's someone else in there.
What, like another anima?
…I don't know.
+++
I shouldn't be surprised that Esmer's just as useless as I am.
+++
What? No! She's not useless! I'm sorry Esmer. I don't know where that thought came from.
…I think I do.
We're close to having a panic attack
Go to your room.
I didn't wait around when she said panic attack. I picked myself up, and as calmly as I could, walked over to my room.
What's going on?
I shut the door behind me.
Lay down.
I laid down in my bed without questioning her as my phone's text alert went off, but I ignored it.
Close our eyes.
Focus on Holly.
Why her? I thought you said-
I know what I said, but she's the best we got for some reason.
—
"That was really sweet of you."
—
Her words popped into my head.
—
"You're a really great person."
—
She never said that.
I know and I don't care right now.
Focus on those words.
And focus on them I did. For what seemed like half an hour to an hour since it's dark out now. The panic attack was almost there, but it wasn't anywhere near as strong as normal. I guess because Esmer caught it early? I looked over to her as she sat on the floor next to my bed, but she was curled up into a tight ball.
Esmer?
+++
Hypocritical bitch. She doesn't want me to spend time with Holly, but the moment I need to calm down she pushes for me to think about her.
+++
What the fuck are these thoughts!? Esmer you know I don't actually think that, right?
…I know…
+++
She says she wants to protect me, but she's lied to me and kept things from me more than most!
And I'm stupid enough to believe that she's actually trying to help!
+++
I need to go.
I sat up and practically fell onto her lap.
Don't. Don't go. I- Sorry. I really don't know what's going on with those thoughts…
You have nothing to be sorry about.
I need to try and fix this.
How long will that take? Remember that you promised not to leave me alone.
I haven't forgotten.
It depends.
Just please.
Remember I'm doing my best.
Why are you talking like I'm not going to see you-
She disappeared before I even finished my sentence.
…So much for not leaving me alone.
—
Remember I'm doing my best.
—
But I guess I can't be that upset with her. My head's probably a giant fucking mess.
I tossed and turned after that, staying up far later than I normally do with my much more quiet head.
—
Being held down by father.
—
…Quiet, but not silent.
I guess I just had to hope Esmer would be back by morning as I closed my eyes.
