I woke up and felt like shit. I was tired, numb, and wanted to beat the shit out of something. Looking out my window, it was just barely getting light out.
Good morning.
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Yeah, good morning you useless bitch.
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Wow, fucking thanks. Asshole.
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Don't blame me for being the embodiment of your negative thoughts. Of course I'm going to remind you you're useless. Besides, it doesn't matter if I tell you it or not. If I wasn't here, then you'd think the same way about yourself.
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Then I ask you to at least wait until the day starts.
I know it's your thing, but you don't have to start it as soon as she wakes up.
+++
I will tell Kendall how much of a fuck up she is as often as I need, and at the times she tells herself that. She thinks she's a useless bitch, so I tell her. Don't try to change that through me, because it won't happen without a metric fuck ton of work. I'm talking about therapy levels of work.
+++
That's enough.
Kendall, don't forget to respond to Holly.
Oh, right.
I took out my phone and looked at the text again.
From: Holly
5:54 PM: Video games. I have a lot of them so I should have something you'd like I think. Come over whenever you want.
To: Holly
4:23 AM: Oh. I never played one but I'd be up for trying. Where do you live?
So now I have to lay here and be fucking miserable until she decides to answer back. Isn't there anything you can do to at least help with the anger?
Not unless I want to repress it.
That's not happening again.
What about putting me to sleep? I don't care how extreme it is, I just want one more hour of sleep.
Get up and do some woodworking.
We're not going to be able to get any more rest tonight I feel.
After a few moments, I rolled off of bed and tried to keep my balance. Dead on my feet, I walked over to my desk and sat down.
Picking up the pencil, I tried to continue the planning for Robbie's desk. Maybe I could add something more to it before I actually made it.
I press my pencil on the paper to start to draw and-
—
"Do whatever you want, just don't leave marks."
—
-my hand froze solid. Taking a deep breath and cracking my knuckles, I lean over the table to start drawing…
—
"I don't care if you like it or not. Next time you better act like you do."
—
Still no movement as I stared at the paper. My mind came up with nothing and everything numb turned to fear. Why couldn't I draw anything!? I should be able to just draw and that's it. Why am I having trouble!?
Try drawing a new project.
I tossed Robbie's project to the side and put out a fresh piece of paper. I pressed my pencil down and-
—
"If you don't, then I'll start training you proper."
—
-I pressed my pencil down and-!
—
"And I won't make it enjoyable for you."
—
My fear turned to panic as my chest pounded. The pounding made my hands tremble.
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This is one of the only things you had.
And now it's gone.
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Enough!
Look at me.
I looked at Esmer's head on my desk. Doing my best not to cry.
Don't forget that this isn't the first time this has happened.
You just need a break is all.
I threw down my pencil and put my face in my hands.
I'm too tired for this crap! Just please make everything stop. I don't care what you need to do…
+++
I did say one of the only things you had.
You do have something else you're good at.
+++
A bright, crimson red light shined out of Esmer's head.
Don't you dare say it.
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Maybe if you accept that you belong as a sex worker, then you won't stress about it.
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Esmer was just about to scream, but Tarmon cut in.
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Instead of getting pissed at me, perhaps you should blame her mind. Again, if it wasn't for me, she'd be thinking this herself.
+++
Esmer glared at Tarmon, but the light slowly faded and she calmed down. That didn't stop what he said from stabbing me in the chest though…
…Do I really think that?
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If I say it, then yes. We do.
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Don't listen to him.
Why the fuck shouldn't I? He's me so if he says it it must be true.
I slumped down in my seat and felt defeated in every sense of the word.
+++
It's absolutely true.
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Even if it's true, I won't let that happen.
My phone went off, but I ignored it.
It's probably Holly.
What would she be doing up this early?
I took out my phone.
It's like four-thirty in the morning. She-
From Holly:
4:34 AM: I live at 4658 Finwood Road
Oh fuck did I wake her up?
To Holly:
4:34 AM: Fuck did I wake you up? I'm sorry. And okay.
Sorry.
I should've known she'd be asleep when it's so early.
Just what I fucking needed. Now I feel like an asshole.
From Holly:
4:35 AM: No. I normally get up this early.
…
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…
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…
Do you think she has the same kind of problem…?
That's a big thing to assume.
But possibly?
We could ask her if she has trouble sleeping.
To Holly:
4:36 AM: Do you have trouble sleeping too?
Are you even aware you put 'too' in there?
Do you want her to know we have trouble sleeping?
Well she's quiet and awkward like me so maybe? I don't know. I just sorta said it.
From Holly:
4:38 AM: Sometimes. I usually stay up late.
Okay this isn't just me right? She goes to bed late and gets up early. What do I even say to that?
If she has trouble sleeping for the same reason we do, then obviously we shouldn't talk about it.
Change the subject in case it is.
Okay.
I started another text to Holly and stared at a blank screen.
I have no idea what to say.
It shouldn't matter what you say.
Just change the subject.
To Holly:
4:41 AM: So what do you do when you get up early?
…That's not really changing the subject.
I'm not asking about her sleep schedule, so what's the big deal?
From Holly:
4:43 AM: I play games. What about you?
Oh…Okay so of course she'd ask me that. Maybe I shouldn't have asked.
Next time when you want to change the subject, perhaps you should actually change the subject.
To Holly:
4:43 AM: Lay in bed until it's time to get up. I also make plans for woodworking projects.
I got up and decided to go lay on my bed and hold my phone up as I waited for Holly's text.
And waited…
And waited some more.
From Holly:
5:32 AM: Sorry. Got distracted. What time do you want to come over? My parents are going to work soon.
Out of nowhere, Tarmon held up Emer's head in front of me.
…
…Do you want something?
You've calmed down since you started talking with Holly.
I…
It didn't hit me until now that my body stopped freaking out. Things were still numb, but it was a whole hell of a lot better than before.
Keep talking to her.
If that's helping, then fuck yeah I'm going to talk to her more.
To Holly:
5:33 AM: It's okay. I guess I can come over when my sister wakes up.
From Holly:
5:36 AM: Let me know when you're on your way.
To Holly:
5:37 AM: I will.
To Holly:
5:38 AM: She works Saturdays so she should be up early.
To Holly:
5:38 AM: Probably around 6.
From: Holly:
5:40 AM: Cool. What does she do?
To Holly:
5:41 AM: She runs a small construction company. She's really awesome and part of the reason I got into woodworking.
To Holly:
5:43 AM: But I work on smaller stuff like furniture.
From Holly:
5:44 AM: She sounds really cool. Also sounds like a lot of work.
To Holly:
5:45 AM: It is. I went with her one time and she had me pouring concrete. Thankfully I work out a lot.
From Holly:
5:47 AM: I could tell.
…Did she mean she could tell I worked out a lot?
She did.
…
—
"I can tell you work out a lot."
—
…
I can feel you thinking something. What's going on?
I'm coming to terms with how pointless it was to try and keep you and Holly away.
I still don't get why you tried to keep me away from her in the first place.
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I suppose I can't call you an idiot for not knowing-
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Don't.
Just wait until later.
She just managed to calm down and she's going to have to go there soon.
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Do you really think that it'd cause that much of a problem? Holy fuck, I didn't realize how messed up your connection to her was. You can barely be called an anima.
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Shut it.
Yes, I know I messed up, but I'm not going to let you insult our connection.
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And what are you going to do about it? Besides, the more we dig up what you repressed, the stronger the link will get. You'd know that if you were actually a proper anima. So you don't need to worry.
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If you're going to talk about me, then can you at least tell me what you're talking about?
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Sure. Again, I can't call you an idiot since you never experienced it before, but you're obviously crushing on Holly.
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A laugh snuck up on me for just a moment before it died back down.
You think I have a crush on Holly? Don't be stupid.
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We don't think you do. We know you do.
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Tarmon slid up to the side of my bed and pulled out another gem, but this one was bright blue and glittered.
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This is crystalized love. It's been trying to get into our head ever since Holly complimented you.
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But she's a girl. Why the hell would I be into her like that?
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Yeah, how fucking disgusting is that?
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Shut the fuck up, Asshole! I'm not into girls and I don't have feelings for her and I-
Actually, us being attracted to girls over guys isn't surprising in the slightest.
Considering everyone that did anything bad to us have been guys.
But that's- I thought you were supposed to be on my side!
I am.
And there's nothing wrong with it.
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Except that it's messed up and pathetic. Add that to the list of shit that's wrong with you.
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Then why the fuck would I feel that way when I only just met her?
Tarmon told you.
Because she complimented us.
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Yeah. Turns out you're not only a slut, but an easy slut.
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No I'm not. I just-
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Yes, you are. A few nice words is all it takes to win you over.
That's called being easy.
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I laid there and let my arms fall down to my side.
I knew I was already fucked up, but now I had to find out I'm just as easy as Father said I was?
Listen to me.
Being romantically interested in someone doesn't make you a slut.
I know this is about as strange as it can get for us, but these feelings are there.
So don't be ashamed of what we feel.
How the fuck am I not supposed to be ashamed?
Go through and read the chat with her.
What does that have to do with anything?
Just listen to me on this.
Look through them.
Sure, why the fuck not. Not like it could get much worse.
I held up the phone again and started from the top. Reading each message like she wanted me to, and when I made it to the end-
You're smiling.
…
Holly is having a positive impact on us.
Tonight proved that to me.
You can't seriously want to throw that away just because we think it's weird to be into girls.
…I mean…It's nice talking to her, but people are going to make fun of me for it…
Then we'll teach them to not mess with us.
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Violence! Wonderful.
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I kept staring at the phone until six came around. I had a lot to think about, but I could at least wait for Emma out there when I can.
