I pull my headset off with a sigh. I take a couple seconds to allow the world to stabilize. The feeling of wrongness every time I return to the physical world is less now than the first time I did it, but it’s still ever present. I shrug the feeling off, quickly getting dressed into my workout clothes so I can go on another run this morning. It’s been surprisingly easy to keep up with my new routine.

While on my run, my mind strays to my most recent encounter in-game. Fox had dragged me along on his party's dungeon run and it went pretty well all things considered. Before that, though, my sparring with Risk and Bridget showed me that I have a lot to learn with respect to sword fighting. Especially when I’m comparing myself directly with another player in a fight, like when I was sparring with Risk. I’m sure that I can close that gap with practice, but I’m not entirely sure what I would need to improve. At the moment I’m doing fine, but I’m just kind of swinging a sword around randomly. Eventually I’ll run across someone who knows what they’re doing and it will be like picking a drunken street fight with a black belt.

My mind returns to a familiar thought that has come up once or twice before. I can go to a class. A sword training class. Fencing maybe? It’s a widespread enough sport and I know for a fact that there are tournaments and training places for it in this city. I don’t know much about fencing itself, but I know that it’s fast-paced. Berry mentioned that I’m a dexterity based sword fighter, which feels true enough.

I continue thinking about it my whole run. My thoughts circle around the block with me and arrive right back at the same point. I really do want to learn fencing. Not just for game reasons. I feel like it could be really fun on its own too. I’m not a sporty person, but that’s largely due to a lack of interest in all the ones I know. I’m not particularly interested in getting tackled in football, or shooting hoops in a gym. I feel like I could really get into something like fencing, though.

I shake my head, pushing the thought aside for now while I push the front door open. As the door swings inward, the sound of the television playing pulls me out of my thoughts. I yank my head up, looking at the couch. My dad is staring at me blankly, the television running off to the side. He picks up the remote, lowering the volume while I close the door behind me.

He chuckles slightly, “Morning, kiddo.”

I wave, still slightly out of breath. “Mornin’,” I say. I turn to look at the television and it’s just idling on the main menu of one of the streaming services we use. The preview for some show I’ve never heard of is playing automatically in the background.

“Your mother mentioned that you’ve been going on morning runs lately. I see that she wasn’t kidding.” I nod slowly, shifting slightly. He smiles, patting the couch beside him. “Any particular reason?”

I sit down on the couch, catching my breath. I try to think of a good answer, absolutely trying to avoid mentioning the distraction from my dysphoria. “Just… want to improve myself I guess.” I shrug.

He looks at me approvingly, nodding his head. He reaches out and pats me on the back, hard enough for it to rattle me. “Good on ya! I know that we both know that you’re already a fine looking young man, but a six pack never hurts of course.” I cringe inwardly, just nodding in solemn agreement. `Fine looking` is not what I would call myself currently, but I’m not about to tell him that.

He returns to looking for something to watch, scrolling through shows idly. I try to change the subject, remembering why I was surprised to see him. “Don’t you have work today, Dad? It’s monday, right?”

“Hm?” He looks over at me questioningly. He smiles wide, chuckling. “It’s Labor Day. You know, federal holiday. Did you forget that you have the day off too?”

I blink once before turning to look at the ground. I bring forward my mental calendar, trying to remember if I was told at all. My mind goes back to my last day of classes. Several reminders about today come back to me. “Oh,” I say, feeling silly that I forgot, “right.” I pull my hair tie off, letting my hair fall down over my shoulders. I’ve been preparing myself all morning to go back to school, but now it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can have one more day safe at home before I have to go back.

Dad continues scrolling while I just think about what to do with the day. Now that I know I have the day off I could just go back to Terresite for another cycle or two. I remember what I had been thinking about regarding fencing. Glancing over at my dad, he seems comfortable while looking for something to watch. There’s no time like the present. “Hey dad? Can I ask you something?”

He glances over at me, lowering his hand and giving me his attention once more. He nods for me to continue. Taking a deep breath, I shift on the couch. I sit up straight, so that he knows I’m serious. “I want to start fencing.”

He looks taken aback, sitting up straighter himself. “What? Like… the thing with the rapiers and stuff?” he asks, furrowing his brow in thought. “Why?”

Glancing away from him, I fidget nervously. “You’re always talking about how you want me to do a sport and stuff, but you know that I don’t really like sports.” I shrug, slumping back into the couch. “I mentioned self improvement and stuff too. I dunno, I just… I think I’d actually enjoy fencing more than I would a conventional sport.”

Glancing over at him, he’s nodding thoughtfully. He hasn’t stopped staring at me, though, so I return my eyes to the television. I’m still not good at talking to people, especially when they’re my teachers… or my parents. After several long seconds of tense waiting, I hear the couch shift once more. Turning to look at him, he’s leaned over, deep in thought. “Is there another reason, Jake?” He glances up at me, catching my eyes with his own. “A girl maybe? Is there something else to it?”

I wince, but I shake my head. There is technically a girl that I’m doing this for… myself. “No. I’m doing this for me. There’s not really another reason. I just think it would be fun.” He continues staring at me for a while, as if he could read whatever deeper reasons are hidden within me.

He smiles after a moment, shaking his head. “Alright. You know that I’m just happy to hear that you want to try something out. Dunno if fencing would have been my first choice, but hey, why not.” He turns back to the television, picking the remote back up. “I’ll talk to your mom about it, but I’m sure she’ll agree with me. If you find out what you need for it, we can head out this afternoon to pick some of that stuff up.”

I smile, getting up from the couch. “Thanks dad. I’ll go figure everything out after I grab myself some breakfast. Then I’m probably gonna spend some more time in VR.”

His eyes light up as I say that and he perks up. “Oh yeah. It’s a day off. I don’t suppose you wanna play a little with your old man?”

I cringe slightly, instantly feeling guilty. “Um, I was actually gonna play some more of this new game I got. Terresite.”

He frowns, folding his arms in thought. “Oh yeah. I heard about that one. It did seem interesting. I don’t suppose you’d be down to coach me through it as a newbie if I happened to get it?”

“Err… Well…” I shift uncomfortably, trying to think of a reason to refuse. I had gotten this game to have my own space.

He raises his hands in surrender, turning back to the television. “It’s fine, kiddo. You don’t gotta let me down easily. I forgot that you’ve got your own friends that you can play with too.” Glancing back at me, he catches my eyes once more with a smile. “I’ll probably pick it up anyways though. Maybe we can do some dungeons or something at another time?”

I smile gratefully, nodding. I don’t know if that will happen, but I don’t want to shoot him down so easily since he’s being very nice and agreeable right now. “Yeah. Another time.”

I pull my headset off of my head for the second time today. The midday sunlight streaming through my window greets me this time, the curtains fully pulled back to reveal the nice sunny day that crept up on me while I was under. I sigh, stretching my arms over my head.

I managed to get another cycle of easy grinding in, getting in some practice against some more skeletons. They don’t drop as much loot as some of the other creatures I could hunt in the nearby areas, but I still feel awkward fighting something more human. The practice feels like it’s helping, though.

Pulling myself out of bed, I start to do my stretches before pausing. I’ve technically already done my workout today, would it be a good idea to do another one so soon? Sometimes experiencing a whole extra day before a full day passes can be a bit disorienting to my sense of time. I decide to pace myself, instead just wandering out of my room and towards the kitchen.

My mom is situated on the dining room table once more, her jewelry strewn across it in a mess that I have to assume has some sense of organization. She looks up as I enter the room, pushing herself away from the table slightly so she doesn’t bump her design out of place. “Good morning, sweetie.”

I smile gently, nodding in response. “Morning mom.” I get a glass of water from the cupboard, filling it at the tap.

She doesn’t return to working on her jewelry, instead standing up from the table and walking over to the kitchen. “Your father told me what you two talked about this morning.” I glance over at her while taking a sip of water. She leans against the counter, smiling at me. “I think it’s a great idea.”

I smile back, nodding nervously. “Thanks mom. I’m really excited to do it.” She doesn’t say anything further, but she doesn’t go back to working on her jewelry. I turn to the fridge, peering through it idly. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her still watching me. I gulp, closing the fridge slowly before turning back to her. “Uh, is there something on my face?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “Nope, just thinking. You know you can talk to us about anything, right hun?” I feel a small pit forming in my stomach. Does she know something? If she did, she would just ask me outright, right?

I frown, nodding in response. “Yeah, of course.”

“Mmm,” she intones, pushing away from the counter, “good.” She walks back to the table, sitting down in her seat. She doesn’t seem to push the issue, even though it seems like she doesn’t entirely believe that there’s nothing going on. “Your father should be out of his game soon. He said he wanted to take you to get your stuff himself.”

“Cool. I’ll be waiting in my room then I guess.” I walk back to my room, my heart racing from the conversation. My nerves are screaming at me as I close the door to my room. She can tell something is wrong.

I take a deep breath, trying to calm down. After several deep breaths, I flop backwards onto my bed. I can’t let my anxiety get the best of me. I continue my breathing, centering myself. As my heart rate calms down and the panic dissipates, I can’t help feeling foolish. Am I gonna be scared of every single thing someone says that makes it even a little clear that they can tell I’m not having a good time?

I pick my phone up off of my computer desk, needing a distraction from my own emotions. If this were Terresite, I’d probably lose myself in killing some trash mobs for a bit. Maybe a quest or two. It’s strange how despite the game having only been out for just under two weeks, it’s already become a regular routine for me. Not only a regular routine, but a safe haven of sorts. If something goes wrong throughout the day, logging into Terresite is usually enough to put me at ease again.

It’s not that strange when I consider that I’m able to spend more subjective time in virtual reality than the amount of time that passes in the real world. It’s technology that took the world by storm several years back when it came out, but has since become commonplace. I’ve grown used to my schedule feeling more open than before, but I haven’t forgotten all the years I can remember before deep dive got to this level. It’s only about three years ago, but it definitely feels much longer…

There are plenty of benefits to having more time. Most people would happily take any extra time that you could give to them. Everyone wants to experience more life, especially if the experiences it can give you are so different from your own real life.

There are struggles with having more time too. It’s a very first world problem to have, but… with all of this extra time it seems like it will take forever for me to become eighteen. There are plenty of ethical and moral conversations that I can’t really wrap my head around concerning someone's physical and mental ages, but one thing hasn’t changed. I have to be physically eighteen to act independently.

I have to be eighteen to get hormones on my own. I’ve promised myself that the moment I turn eighteen, I’ll get hormones as fast as I can. Then I don’t have to tell anyone. I can just start and even if my parents disagree and end up pushing back on it, I’ll be able to be independent and they won’t be able to stop me. I don’t want to risk it until then.

But those two and some change years will take so much longer with the current amount of time that I’m spending in virtual reality. The years physically pass by just as fast, but the subjective time that I’m experiencing… I’ll have turned two years into six. It’s one reason that I hadn’t been using my headset as much before Terresite. It’s too painful without a nicer body to escape too.

That’s the one upside comparing my time in virtual reality now to back before Terresite, the fact that two thirds of that time is spent far more comfortably than… this. Sighing, I pull open my youtube. I shouldn’t think about it too much. If you think about something, it just goes slower.

I throw on a video about fencing while I wait for my dad to wake up. I already looked into it beforehand, but I might as well learn what I can now that I know it’s actually happening. Maybe I’ll be a little more prepared for it.

SylkWeaver

yeah, it's still being worked on. i'm just bad at consistency. hopefully the next one one doesn't take too long lmaow.