I woke up surrounded in darkness once more, but where there was once a brisk chill that permeated across my body, there was now the familiar warmth and comfort of a bed. As I peered through the darkness, I was able to make out the outline of a room using the residual light cast from a nearby window. It was… my bedroom. I let out a sigh of relief as I saw this familiar sight, only to break away from the comfort of my bed as I recalled what happened.
“Peatrice, Abigale Quinlan, the massacre, it all had to be fake… right?” I thought to myself.
Desperate for answers, I looked down at myself and felt my chest. No breasts obstructed my view. Instead, I saw something familiar. I saw my body. I erupted with laughter and tears of joy as I looked down at myself, relief coursing through my being. I let out a sigh that turned into a laugh, one loud enough to grab the attention of the person resting in a sleeping bag beside me.
“Geez Jad, did Nightmare corrupt your fountain of dreams or something?” My dear friend Maxxie said from the air mattress beside my bed.
She yawned as she looked up at me, brushing her messy shoulder-length black hair out of her adorable, dark-skinned, freckled face
“No, nothing so… Okay, Kirby final bosses are sorta messed up. But this was way, way more messed up than any Kirby game.” I explained.
There was a deep comfort swelling through my being as I heard my voice once again. So much that I couldn’t help smiling.
“Where would it land between the Golden Age arc of Berserk, Elfen Lied, and the End of Evangelion?” Maxxie tiredly asked.
“In my dream, I was… a murderer. I killed over a hundred people, and had no recollection of doing so, and had to travel across several states to return home and figure out how or why this all happened. During this journey, I was verbally and physically assaulted by everyone I came across. Then… I wound up walking through a snowstorm in order to return home, where I… died. Cold, alone, confused, and with a burning sense of hatred for myself.”
“Hold on, move your tiny butt over to the wall a bit…”
As Maxxie said that, she rose out from her sleeping bag, and quickly made her way into my bed, nestling inside of my blanket, and giving me a hug once we were both snuggly sealed.
“No worries Jad! I’ll protect you from all the sorrow and bad times that rattle on in that noggin of yours. Just think happy thoughts and I’m sure the sweetest and sugariest dreams will come your way.” Maxxie explained as we adjusted ourselves in my twin-sized bed.
“Thanks, Maxxie. I really don’t know what I’d do without you,” I said, embracing her warmth.
“And I don’t know what I’d do without you, Jad.”
After comforting one another, we both shut our eyes and attempted to drift back to sleep. Within a matter of seconds, all sight, sound, and sensation faded to black.
I woke up with a metallic taste filling my mouth, a strange smell sifting through my nose, and the feeling of snow pressing against every part of my body. I reflexively shot myself up, bringing me out of the darkness I had immersed myself in and into a powerful white light. It was the morning sun, illuminating a sparkling sheet of frost that covered my surroundings. It was a sight to behold. The way the snow stuck onto trees, coating every branch. The way it textured the mountains. And the smoothness of the field before me, undisturbed by man, by any life form… except for me.
With a groan, I stood up and brushed the snow off of my person, only to pause as I looked down at my attire. Gone was the thick winter coat and gloves I was wearing before, and in its place was something that was closer to a jacket. A jacket that, upon inspecting the sleeves, hood, and body, was meant to resemble a cartoon rendition of a bear.
Its brown color matched a bear’s fur, the attached gloves loosely resembled paws, and the hood was made to resemble a bear’s head. As far as I could tell, it was a novelty jacket that you would buy for a child, which raised several questions. Why I was wearing it, and why, despite being in the body of a two-meter-tall adult woman, did it seem to fit me perfectly?
Peatrice: D’aw! You look so cute, Jad-kun. Or rather Jad-kuma… Nah, that sucked. Give me a minute or three and I’ll come up with a better name.
“Peatrice? What happened? Where’d this jacket come from?” I asked, my voice echoing through the wilderness.
Peatrice: One question at a time, buster brown! Try again, or else I’m not giving you any answers… EVER!!!
“I… What happened after I wandered out into the wilderness last night?”
Peatrice: Oh, that… to be honest, I spaced out and detached myself from your senses. It’s a failsafe Abigale put in so I would never need to experience excessive pain of any sort. It was actually real nice of her, even though I think I only had to use it, like, once before I met you.
“So I’m to believe that I woke up with this jacket, and you have no clue where it came from?” I asked with a tangible amount of pessimism.
Peatrice: I told you that I was asleep when the bombs hit, good sir and or madame! I don’t know what the fuckity-flip happened last night!
“What about my dreams then?”
Peatrice: What dreams? You think I can see your dreams? I can’t read into your mind, I can only read your senses, ya ding-a-ling dummy. I told ya once and now I’m telling you twice. You better believe I’ll be peeved if I gotta tell you thrice. And if I gotta tell you four times, I will forever sing of the bunny and the moon pounding rice. Because I’d leave this very Earth just to be away from your nonstop infinite dumbassery.
“…I had a dream where I fought a bear.”
Peatrice: Oh, I saw that much. That wasn’t a dream, JostaFan69, that was as real as those cans of yours. …By cans, I mean your brown bootylicious ass.
“…Okay… but I was nearly killed by that bear… Now I’m fine. How is that possible?” I slowly asked, trying to follow Peatrice’s breadcrumb trail of logic.
Peatrice: The answer is quite simple, young Jadigale. You’re magic!
“…What?”
Peatrice: You, my dear Jad Novus, are immortal! Nothing will ever kill you, and you… you’re basically a Highlander except you could take a guillotine to the neck no problem. You could pull a Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove and ride an a-bomb while you go off to genocide some Ruskies— or whatever the fuck— and you know what would happen to you? Nothing! No radiation poisoning, no death, you’d be splattered all over the place and be naked, but you wouldn’t even be sore from that shit. Hell, it probably wouldn’t even hurt. You’d die before your brain registered the pain.
“…Are you serious?”
Peatrice: As serious as a slippery salamander suckling a sweet sack of sarsaparilla… Wait, no, that’s not even remotely serious. Let me try that again. Y to the E to the big fat S! You are an immortal, you have inside you the blood of… two or three kings. So enjoy having this body for all eternity and living long enough to see humans die and for the next species of the Homo genus to take the place. I mean, assuming they make it that far.
I snickered as I let Peatrice’s words seep in and I began to fully comprehend just what the hell happened to me. That snicker became a chuckle, blossomed into full-blown laughter, and erupted into a hysterical howl.
I don’t know how long I spent laughing. How long I spent laying there in the snow, staring blankly at the faint blue sky. All while taking in my new boisterous voice, feeling my silky hair, and rubbing my smooth dark skin. Only now did I truly understand the steaming pile of shit I had been savagely thrown into.
My laughter then began to dissipate, and tears soon took its place. As I sobbed, I was constantly reminded of my new voice. An intimidating yet feminine voice. A voice I would have until… the end of time. I was immortal, right? I could survive major injuries and… never age. It would explain a lot of what Peatrice said. How Abigale Quinlan was smart enough to make Peatrice. How she was smart enough to make a drug that would possess people. She must have had so much time to learn so many things without her intellect ever waning or brain ever deteriorating.
As I came to terms with this unwanted reality, as I grew to accept it, I wallowed in silence for a moment. Only brought back to reality when Peatrice raised his voice yet again.
Peatrice: Yo, Jay-Jay, I get this is a whole lotta shit to take in, but maybe you should get your ass outta the snow. …Unless you are kinkier than I took you for and like the idea of getting ice water all up in that little vaj of yours. If you are… then maybe we can try some of that red wax or anal egg shit that I see in my Japanese hentais. Abi-senpai wasn’t a big fan of it, but I think you’d enjoy it quite a lot. I know I do!
I didn’t even bother replying to Peatrice’s comment. Instead, I sighed, stood up, and looked down at my bear jacket, damp black skinny jeans, and the knee-high boots covering this body of mine. This body I would be stuck in… forever from the sound of things. It was a bitter and callous truth for me to accept, one that caused any other questions I had to degrade into unimportant queries. Now… Now I just wanted to get home.
“Peatrice, what time is it?” I asked as I looked up to the sky.
Peatrice: Oh goodie, you remember that I need to see the sun to tell the time, and according to my calculations, it’s about 8:15. Meaning we need to be at the aeroplane station in about 24.75 hours. You’ve still got the plane ticket, right?
“Yes.” I simply replied, patting the purse hidden beneath my jacket.
Peatrice: You got the dough?
“I left five-hundred with that… attempted murderer, rapist, and thief, Gregg. I should have fifteen-hundred left. Along with my ID and prepaid card.”
Peatrice: Coolsies. Now if you want to be able to use that lucky ticket of yours, you need to start running your cute little bum to Funke. Once we’re there… I’ll show you around, see some sights, show you a nice hotel you can spend the night at— Bottom line is that I’ll make sure you have a swell day before it’s time for ya to get back to smelly old Oransen.
“Yes, a swell day that began with me learning that I am in the body of an immortal woman who stole my body, tarnished my name, and very well may have murdered all of my friends.” I sarcastically spat back at Peatrice.
Peatrice: So you don’t want to live forever, like in that one Queen song?
“…Oh no. I would love to live long enough to see the Earth be eaten up by the sun. Live through an apocalypse. Unable to ever form a lasting connection with a person. And very likely go completely insane after a couple hundred years. Actually, no, with you I doubt I’ll even last a couple hundred days at this rate.”
As I bitterly replied to Peatrice, I began to walk through the untouched snow that surrounded me. Tramping through what had to be a 60 centimeter thick icy sheet as I wandered off in a random direction, hoping to happen across a road as I quickened my pace. I was reckless with my movements, as I did not need to worry about… anything, really. In addition to being immortal, this body did not truly get cold, did not tire, and would not suffer from a fall. After five minutes of running, I happened across a freshly plowed strip of gray asphalt that would hopefully take me back to civilization.
I asked Peatrice which direction and ran along the side of the road. As I ran, I maintained the pace and speed of a marathon runner, effortlessly moving forward. I continued moving forward in silence for three kilometers, when I heard a vehicle from behind. Turning my head, I saw a bright yellow sedan— a taxi— honking its horn and urging me to stop, the driver rolling down the passenger window to speak to me.
“Hey, you want a ride, miss?” A male voice with a southern accent said from the vehicle.
“Oh, um, yes. I— I need to get to Funke,” I stammered.
“…So you were planning on running for sixty kilometers?” The taxi driver asked me, his face too dark and too far away for me to make out.
“I’m… quite fit, so I figure that I should be able to do it no problem.”
“Heh, you’re a queer one. Tell you what, get on in and I’ll give you a ride, free of charge.”
He then unlocked the back door with a loud click, calling me to enter the surprisingly clean and cozy interior of the cab. Which I did almost immediately.
“Thank you very much, sir,” I said as I buckled my seatbelt, “But I could pay you if you want, I have the money.”
“Nah, I’m heading there, anyway. Besides, what kind of man would I be if I left a cute young thinglike you out in the cold on a day like today?” The taxi driver responded with a chipper tone.
Shortly after the vehicle began to move, Peatrice chose to chime in with his usual ‘charming’ criticism.
Peatrice: Hey there, I’m Jad Novus, I almost got fucked, robbed, and killed by a man driving a vehicle just a few hours ago, and now I’m gonna do it again. It makes my body erotic!
“Peatrice, you are such a…” I said before realizing the taxi driver could hear me.
Peatrice: Babe, you can just move your lips and I’ll understand you. Speaking is for the birds, and despite that being a derogatory term for a woman, you aren’t one of those feathered freakish failed abominations of nature.
“Why do you hate birds so much?” I said to Peatrice, moving my lips without vocalizing my words.
Peatrice: I don’t, I just think all animals are monsters in disguise. And that they should not be allowed to roam man’s world outside of designated animal jails. Or better— animal concentration camps!
I chose to not engage with Peatrice after that. Instead, I gazed out of the taxi window, looking at the sweeping snow-caked landscape before me. This was the road that would take me to Funke. In about a day, I would be on my way back home, where I would be able to meet my mother and my friends… assuming they survived.
Either I would see my friends again, and be able to explain my situation to them. Or I would return to nobody and be forced to spend the rest of my days detached from all ties to my former life. Forced to abandon my life as the unremarkable teenage boy Jad Novus and accept my life as the immortal woman known as Abigale Quinlan.
