Yesterday's “playing” was really wonderful, I thought to myself as I watched out the window.

Raining outside. “Kinda Meh”-weather as I usually say. 

He’s at work. I’m home alone. I reach for my bag and sit down. A small box in which I keep some of my meds, a little bit of everything. 

I take a little mix and swallow down with my coffee. I look at my phone. I sigh. 

That day things changed. We’re gonna fast forward a bit.

What was next would be rough. Bumpy. 

No, I had no clue what would be coming or how bad it could get while still loving the man. 

After the first week, he stopped doing any bdsm play. We had normal sex, as in vaginal or anal, maybe max once a month going forward.

After a month together, he admitted to not even being into bdsm. He just did it to get me. No, wait… At first he said it was because he loved me and he couldn't bear to hurt me anymore. But eventually the truth came out. I think it was after 2 months. 

I decided to stay anyway. Because I had grown to love the guy… I love the guy. We were perfect together, if you didn’t count intimacy in any way. So why not, I thought. Is being happy in a sexual way everything? It isn't of course! But if you cut it off completely, it just won't end well. You’ll explode somehow eventually and it’s gonna lash out somehow. Some people may cheat, I would never do that though. Never have, never will. I did however watch porn of what I enjoyed every now and then to take the edge off. I also wrote a lot of stories, fantasies. Some which I shared with others, who also shared stories with me. All fantasies about him though. I’m not even a cheater in my mind, haha… Yes, that’s how my mind works.
So, my point is, best to be honest in what you really need. Both to yourself and your significant other. Respect what the other needs, find a middle ground.

But what pushed me away wasn’t the lack of intimacy in the end, I sort of found an outlet. Watching bdsm porn and also exchanging fantasies on the web, while fantasizing it was my partner of course. Again, I’ve never cheated. If you don’t count exchanging fantasies I have about my partner, as cheating of course. 

Getting sidetracked here, What pushed me away was that he started to take out anger, frustration and such on me. Yelling, being an asshole overall. 

An example would be that he asks me to suggest something to watch, and I suggest a handful of things that I felt like watching. Then getting angry and yelling, saying “fuck it then we watch nothing” and so on.
Not these exact words but. You get it. Then if I started something anyway getting mad and stopping it then laying down being grumpy again.
So eventually I moved my pc into another room and just sat out there most of the time. Just around the time a game I'd looked forward to had released I had gotten enough, just sitting there and “taking it” so to speak. 

So I dove head first into that game and mostly sat in the other room where I had my pc. And  he didn’t want to play with me of course. Not that game anyway. So then he’s being grumpy about “me playing the game way too much”, but he’s never suggesting to do things I’ve wanted to do together for months, not suggesting anything else either really and neither trying to get me intimate or anything. Yea. 

I've learned quite a few things in life. One thing is that there's two kinds of people. 

Those two kinds are people who pee in the shower and then we have the liars. Second thing is, if you say "if you know what I mean" in a pervy enough way after something, you can make anyone question any sentence and look at you weird.

But I hadn't learned much about how tough it is to love someone who's just not that interested in you or in doing anything really. 

That's probably not the right choice of words. He was interested. Just, I felt more like the interest was company and a partner to chat with and game with than it was love. Which would be fine I guess, if that was what he'd advertised from the get go.

But 

A year later… 

The first weeks with him were amazing. But then it just stopped completely… and I got no love. 

I browsed the web that night. Just thought I'd Google "shibari teaching".

2 weeks later. 

I contacted a firm, or a company, through the web that I found on a whim two weeks ago. I got so frustrated one night as the intimacy had just stopped for a long long time and I couldn’t take it. And I just got anger and irritation taken out on me constantly without any explanation for months. I don't think I've heard the word sorry much more than I can count on my fingers either over the span of the relationship. 

I got in contact with the creator of the page, referred to him by a woman. His current “business partner”. Her end wasn’t tying and such though. She was, or is, a shaman so to speak. It’s a form of religion but not really like a normal religion. To me it sounds like a peaceful, nature respecting way of life more than a religion but it’s still classified as one technically so might as well write that out.

I later learned that they were a couple too. But, she broke up with him and sort of said “Go ahead, you’re perfect for eachother”. Before any of us (us being me and him) understood what happened she had gone along and broken up with him because she was tired of rope stuff and thought that me and him were literally perfect for eachother. Which i’ll give her, yes, We are very much perfect together! 

Then she went away and traveled back home. So I moved in with him, doing rope like fucking crazy, which I'll also tell you about as we start the next chapter of course. I plan on telling the tale of how we met, how we started, how it evolved and try to catch up to “now”.
But first, let's smash out the background and get some other stuff out of the way!

I did explain my stance on relationships for her (And him of course), being mono and everything. They were poly before I got into the picture. (well, she's still poly, but he definitely ain't.) 

He seemed to be tired of just having a small part of a lot of people too. Actually saddened by it in a way. It’s so nice to see him turn so damn happy now. Anyhow, I did put up the ultimatum that, no ex, no talking with ex, cut her off, she goes away and we move forward. Which he agreed to. She also understood the implications, that if she leaves him and him and I get together, she’d be cut out of the picture. And she still went along with it. I expressed how grateful I was quite a few times to her for bringing us together.
Sort of sad, but maybe we can be friends in the future. The bonds must be severed first, he needs to bury her completely and so on. 

As I was starting to explain before, I did tell her how I felt in every way and she still didn't do anything to stop it or even protest that she wanted to stay in touch. We agreed on all points, she said goodbye and have a happy life to me. Well to us through me. And I wished her the same and thanked her a ton of times for putting me together with him. It’s not without it’s issues, just getting together in this way. But so far we’ve had no real “fights” so to speak and we’ve really gone crazy with bdsm and shibari together, and we both really really REALLY love it. 

And yeah. Relationships are a complicated thing. Both parts have their feelings which, all are very much real, logical or not. A feeling is still a feeling. 

There's a shit load of girls that wouldn't even allow their guy to keep pictures of any ex at all. They purge their new bfs Facebook, pc, phone - everything! Or it's a no go. And they're often also demanding no exes at all of any kind, including one time partners etc. 

There's also girls that won't allow their partner to watch any porn at all. There's those that go one step further and don't allow their guy to be with any girl, end of story. 

So, overall my demands of, cut off your most recent ex isn't that crazy is it? And it’s not even a “forever” demand, it’s until I feel okay with seeing the ex again. 

I also later discovered pictures on his profile of him tying a girl who was naked, which I wanted him to remove. And I demanded he delete a message posted on his wall from a girl where she figuratively wrote "thanks for the fuck this weekend" in a way that it was super obvious that's what it was. 

Seems kinda reasonable? I don't give a fuck about the rest, normal pictures, posts, what ever. I don't give a flying shit about what he saves on a drive either for memory or whatever. I don't really get why you'd save a ton of pictures of girls or anything old really. The past is the past. Why keep it around and… Yea. I think it's dumb to cling to the past too much.
And he was resistant at first there, but eventually seemed to get my point… Bondage to me is also like sex, in a way. So, makes sense to remove public pics of what’s literally sex to me on your public profile? That’s probably our only argument we’ve had, and no one was raising their voice or anything. It’s complicated and everyone has their own view on these matters. But as I said, he eventually understood my side of it and gave in. I mean, it is kinda degrading, in a very bad way, to have your partner keep old fuckbuddies messages on their very public wall online on their profile. In my opinion. And I'm not talking about normal public messages either. 

Anyway, getting too hung up on that point maybe. Let's move on to nicer things now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way!  

“The end is The beginning sometimes”

as someone might say? I don’t know. Or maybe it’s just me? Oh well.

The very first thing he did to me was tying me to a bamboo(thicker one, pretty durable) which carried me by my biceps as I held my arms in a 90 degree angle, then moved them backwards. So the bamboo was behind my back but in front of my arms, then secured with rope to my biceps. 

That's all that carried me. Then gagged, blindfolded, the whole deal. 

Fuck, that hurt!