My wrists were starting to get numb. But suddenly, she stopped moving altogether as well. The grip on my wrists loosened as she slumped down, her eyes shut tight. I subconsciously gulped my saliva.

 

Then her eyes shot open and her hands lunged towards me, more specifically, my neck.

 

I clenched onto her wrists as hard as I could as something moist started to fall onto my face. 

 

Tears.

 

Her tears. 

 

"I DID IT FOR YOU,  EVERYTHING! It, it, it was- it was all for you…! Like, so what if you were bullied a little, it-it was a good lesson, a good- a… A good lesson!"

 

Suddenly she let go of my neck as I gasped for air, coughing. My face felt like it was going to explode and I felt lightheaded. 

 

I looked up while I scrambled away, bumping into the desk and into the corner next to the door. Her numerous pencils, pens, and other supplies fell to the floor. 

 

I tried to get up but my legs were shaking, tumbling over at every attempt to get up, I started to even feel… Excited? 

 

Well… Until she picked up the scissors on the floor, looking back at me with a dead look. 

 

A still deadpan expression was on her face as she started to walk towards me. "So what if I was the reason you got bullied? You at least know why I'm so important to you right? I'M the only one who deserves you. I'M the only one who loves you. I'M the only one who can take care of you. You know that, right?" She asked in a more gentle but assertive tone. 

 

My breathing stabilized as I started to try to figure out what she was saying.

 

She was the reason? How? It makes sense, kind of, but it was my fault for being her friend. 

 

"What? Wait! Just put the, uhm, scissors away first, please…"

 

She stopped moving, pointing the scissors towards the ground, dangling it on her fingers.

 

"W-wh what are you even talking about? I don't, I mean, I…" I choked on my words, what did I even mean to say?

 

"Are you acting like you don't know? What you read. I saw you read it, don't lie to me. I hate liars. I HATE when people lie to me, you know?"

 

I seriously didn't read it, well, I didn't understand anything I read at least. But she clearly thought I did. No matter what I'd say, she wouldn't believe me. I know how persistent she can be. 

 

"What happened? Why aren't you saying anything? Is it because it's true? You lied to me, didn't you?"

 

"No! I mean, yes? But, I didn't, I didn't under-" I tried to explain but was cut off again. 

 

"Oh my god just SHUT UP!" She yelled out, making me flinch. I felt afraid. Afraid of what she'd say. What she'd say about me. What she'd think about me.

 

Why am I such a loser?

 

Sports, school, games, work, whatever it was, whether it was for fun or necessary, I was always worse. 

 

Trash. 

 

Useless. 

 

Pathetic.

 

Leech. 

 

All sorts of truths came back to me. Tears started to well up in my eyes and my vision became blurry. My entire body feels like it's on fire.

 

'Why am I so weak?'

 

I dropped my head to the ground and covered my head with my arms. 

 

I don't know why, it just felt right. I feel safer like this. I can't hear or see anything anymore. 

 

I felt comfortable for the first time in so long. 

 

What felt like an eternity passed like this before I felt something touch my arm. I knew it was her, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to look up. I'm afraid of her seeing me like this.

 

But what is she going to think of me if I don't get up? Aren't I acting childish? Aren't I being weird?

 

All sorts of thoughts raced through my brain as I was forced up, my limbs feeling as if they had no energy. 

 

"You wanna know something? Let me just get it straight through that dense head of yours, because I know you wouldn't be able to figure it out." She said to me as she took a fistful of my hair into her hand, yanking my head back to look towards her. 

 

My eyes are blurry, the spit in my mouth is viscous, my breathing feels constricted, I keep tensing my muscles, I hate it. I hate this feeling. I just want to go home. I don't want to be here, anywhere in general anymore. 

 

"Wow~ look how pathetic you look, but… I kind of like it, hehe~"

 

I wanted to disappear, it just feels like there's nothing to look forward to. Like there's no future where I'm happy, no future where I'm doing well. An uncertain future. 

 

Everyone around me hates me except for the unconditional love of my family. What good am I if I don't have a reason to be here? What good reason is there for me to live? 

 

"Are you ignoring me?"

 

I snapped back to the real world. But I didn't reply, I didn't care anymore, and I couldn't reply even if I wanted to. My voice felt stuck. 

 

I shook my head left and right. 

 

"Good! Remember your place okay? Otherwise, I'll leave you. I'm the only one who loves you, I'm the only one who cares about you, I'm the only one who will be with you from now on. So be obedient and listen~!♡"

 

I brought my hands towards my face as I wiped off any tears or sweat I could. Covering my face as much as possible to hide myself. 

 

Why do I keep doing that? Just stop! Why… Why is it so difficult?

 

I know why, but I don't believe it. I don't want to. It's like I'm trying to trick myself even though I clearly remember. 

 

"Do you know why everybody hates you~? Hmm~?" She asked me with a ridiculing smile

 

Did I know? I think I did, because… I'm her friend. I'm ugly? I'm annoying? Or maybe it's fun? Maybe they all had different reasons. But, I didn't do anything… I didn't do anything?

 

Did I do anything?

 

I know why they're doing it, but what if I'm wrong? Do I know?

 

"If you're not going to respond then I'll just guess that you don't know."

 

Oh, I probably don't really know, I'm just guessing? No… They-

 

"I'll just spell it out for you. So listen carefully okay?"

 

I lightly nodded my head as I looked down, I wasn't even sure she knew I nodded. 

 

"I'm the one who started it~!"