The next day, Cockroach and Fella arrived early carrying a battered toolbox and a bag of take-out. After a quick breakfast, Cockroach went straight to work on the bio-engineering chambers while Fella took the travelers shopping. 

Elegy, tired of shivering any time he went outside, insisted they buy clothes first, so they made their way to a musty-smelling secondhand store. 

“Don’t overdo it,” Fella warned. “Cockroach is too generous for her own good. I don’t want to waste a fortune on you only to discover those chambers are worthless.”

Madeline wandered off to the women’s section, while Reggie led Elegy through the men’s. He selected clothes quickly, draping a variety of brightly colored shirts, slacks, jackets, even a pair of overalls, over his arm. Elegy, meanwhile, felt a growing sense of disappointment as he looked over the racks of clothes. None of it looked interesting enough to even examine closely, yet Reggie somehow managed to conjure up outfits that seemed appealing in the same way his personality was appealing. Unfamiliar and charming in a way that fascinated Elegy. The bishops had spoken of the need of appearing professional and trustworthy; clothes were supposed to make one look as if they fit into the role they filled. However, for Reggie the opposite seemed to be true. He made clothes look as if they were made to fit his personality. Elegy wondered if he could ever hope to do the same.

“Ah-ha,” Reggie said unexpectedly with a sly grin. He reached into a rack and pulled out a button-down shirt with ruffles on the cuffs and down the chest. “Looks like it will fit you. And it’s white, too.”

Elegy accepted the shirt and held it before himself. It was soft and cotton and looked exactly like what he had imagined when he had mentioned frills to Reggie.

Reggie had returned to searching through the rack. “Hey, they have one in black, too, if you want to give that a shot. And this one with lace would look good on you. And this silk one.”

By the time he was done, the rack was significantly thinner. His suggestions were a collection of delicate shirts of types Elegy had only seen worn in films set on Earth. It seemed as if they would display a piece of himself that he had never imagined could be expressed through style. A part of himself that had been so buried in the uncomfortable white suits the bishops had chosen for him that he had begun to believe it existed only in his imagination. He could be more than just a Surveyor, a face temporarily filling a slot, to be replaced when he died. He could be Elegy, a delicate, sensitive man who had the unique skill of detecting Astral Dew. It seemed almost excessive. The bishops would have dismissed most of these clothes, saying they were not fit for a Surveyor. Perhaps the white shirt would have been deemed acceptable, but Ode would have laughed at him and mocked him for the choice. But neither the bishops nor Ode were here. There was just Reggie and he simply seemed excited to help Elegy find what he liked.

“I want them all,” Elegy said finally.

“I hope they fit,” Reggie replied.

“I don’t think anything I’ve ever owned has.”

From there it became much easier. Elegy moved through the store, selecting pants, blazers, and overcoats. By the time he was done, he had chosen much more than either Reggie or Madeline. Fella grumbled at the expense, but paid anyway. Elegy snuck a look at Madeline’s selections and was surprised to find how simple and practical most of her choices were. They resembled Cockroach’s sturdy clothes, and were mostly lacking in Reggie’s flair except for a pair of fancy-looking dresses which appeared to be low-cut.

After a brief pause to change into some of their new clothes and out of those dreaded uniforms, the group continued their errands. As excited as he was to have a new style, the relief of having warm clothes quickly took the forefront in Elegy’s mind. Suddenly wandering around this city didn’t feel like a miserable trudge. He was able to really look around and appreciate how new his surroundings were instead of constantly being preoccupied with wondering how much longer they would be outside. Today, the city was enveloped in a smoky substance Fella called “fog”, which granted it a mysterious, ethereal quality, certainly appropriate for an alien planet. Thankfully, she assured Elegy that it was entirely safe to breathe.

Once they had their essentials, the group made their way back to the ship. Stepping on board, Elegy discovered that he felt a strange sense of anticipation, almost like he had the first time he had entered the ship. He supposed it came from knowing Cockroach had been working here for hours. What would the bio-engineering chambers look like? What else had Cockroach done while she was here? Relaxed in the cafeteria? Taken a nap in one of the beds?

One difference was clear shortly after they boarded. Singing could be heard reverberating through the corridors some distance from the clinic. It sounded so little like Cockroach that Elegy at first wondered if it was a recording, but there was no instrumental backing. Normally, despite her brash personality, her voice was high and soft, with a buzzing quality that seemed to grant it a sense of confidence. However, the singing voice was deep and full, with only that buzzing on the longer notes to tell Elegy that this was indeed Cockroach. At first the lyrics were unclear, but as they got deeper in the ship, Elegy began to pick out a few words. It was something about dreaming and playing guitar.

They left their purchases in the cafeteria and followed Cockroach’s voice to the clinic. Her singing dwindled away as they got close. When they entered the bio-engineering clinic, they discovered that she had opened panels in the sides of several of the chambers. Their internal parts were strewn about the room, along with a number of tools. Cockroach herself was laying on her back, half-inside one of the chambers, with only her legs visible.

“Hey, are you sure these intakes are labeled correctly?” she asked, her voice muffled by the chamber. “The way these are marked, they’ve got Dew going directly into the chamber with a bunch of other chemicals. Don’t really feel safe taking a fuel bath.”

“You’d know better than I would,” Reggie replied. “I have no idea how these things work. I know they need Dew, but I just thought it was a power source.”

“There’s no Dew engine in here. It’s just plugged into the ship. Doesn’t need its own power source.”

“Maybe the computer has specs?” Reggie asked.

“I could take a look,” Elegy suggested.

Cockroach slid out from underneath the chamber. Her hands and shirt were slightly stained with a sticky-looking clear substance. When she looked up at him, he briefly hoped he would make a comment on his new clothes. Instead he just said “I don’t know what you think you’ll see that I’m missing, but be my guest.”

Elegy hesitated. He didn’t want to crawl into a space full of something sticky, especially in his new clothes.

“I just need to see the pipe that’s supposed to have Astral Dew,” he explained.

Cockroach sighed and reached inside, pulling out the detached end of a rubber hose. At first, nothing about it struck Elegy as remarkable, but as he leaned close and closed his eyes to concentrate, faint traces of Astral Dew became clear, like glistening spots in the sand.

“It’s not mislabeled. There was Dew in there.”

Cockroach squinted into the hose. “How can you tell?”

Elegy beamed. “I’m a Hallowed Surveyor.”

Cockroach stared up at her. “Am I supposed to know what that means?”

“You don’t have those here?” Elegy asked, surprised. “How do you find Dew?”

Cockroach shrugged. “You’d have to ask Arvakr that.”

Reggie nodded, a look of understanding on his face. “That makes sense. They probably only create Surveyors on planets they’re actively mining. And probably don’t advertise the fact elsewhere since it would be bad P.R.”

“Anyway, I have an additional sense that allows me to detect Astral Dew,” Elegy explained.

“Ah, so you’ve been in one of these tubs, too?” Cockroach asked, patting the side of the bio-engineering chamber.

“Actually, I was injected with Dew. It’s part of me, so I know when it’s near.”

“Shit, if I knew it was that easy to get a sixth sense I would have injected Dew into myself,” Cockroach said.

“Bad idea,” Madeline muttered.

“It has to be done when you’re an infant. And most people who undergo the procedure die.” Elegy felt a little embarrassment as he explained this. He still wanted to take pride in his talent, but was that really okay given its terrible origins?

Cockroach’s eyes widened. “They killed a bunch of babies to make you?” she asked, speaking slowly as if to emphasize how disgusting she found this.

Elegy nodded. “Essentially.”

“No surprise from Arvakr, I guess,” Cockroach said. “It’s people high up treating humans like resources because they’ll never see the harm caused by the choices they’ll make. And people lower down doing the actual harm and telling themselves that they’re just following orders and that if they don’t do it, someone else will, so there’s no point in taking a stand. Guilt is diluted across an entire chain of command, but the end result is still dead babies.”

Elegy felt a wave of anxiety as he wondered how guilty he was, too. True, the harm had been done long before he had any ability to make choices, but had he taken part in other cruelties without realizing it?

Cockroach leaned against the chamber and took a drink from a bottle of water before continuing. “Anyway, there are bigger questions right now. I’ve always known Astral Dew as nothing more than a fuel. But it’s not like you can inject yourself with gasoline and suddenly sense gasoline, so there’s gotta be something more to it, right? Reggie, you’re from an era when they were still able to make stuff like bio-engineering chambers and FTL engines, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Reggie replied. He blinked. “Wait, you can’t make FTL engines anymore?”

Cockroach shook her head. “Nah. That’s another reason this ship is a treasure trove. It has way more engines than it needs. But I don’t plan to sell any of those until we’ve been to the Queen. These days, people can repair FTL engines sometimes. We can replace some of the parts. But there are some pieces that no one knows how to manufacture anymore. I have no idea how many engines are left, but unless someone can figure them out, the planets will eventually be cut off from each other. That’s why I was hoping you might know something.”

Elegy was struck with the tragedy of Cockroach’s words. Even though the people of Lasstop had only limited contact with those from other planets, and their relationship was an exploitative one, it seemed wrong that humanity should be permanently separated from itself. 

“I don’t know what I can tell you that would help,” Reggie said, sounding uncertain. “It’s not like I know how every piece of technology from my time works.”

Cockroach waved a hand dismissively. “Yeah, yeah, I get that. But what do you know about Astral Dew? They must have taught you something in school, right?”

Reggie shook his head. “Nothing that would be helpful. It’s fuel, just like you said.” He paused. “It’s supposed to come from an old alien civilization. One that existed long before humanity. Whatever their tech was made of, it eventually decayed into Astral Dew. The aliens are thought to have lived in environments similar to us, which is why it’s almost exclusively found on relatively habitable planets. Environments changing over millions of years is thought to be why it’s found in more hostile conditions sometimes. Though small deposits are also occasionally found on planets and asteroids with no atmosphere at all.”

Cockroach listened to this with an entranced look on her face. “Okay, wow, so I’ve never heard that before. As far as anyone on the currently connected planets knows, it’s just a naturally-occurring substance like any rare compound.”

“You’ve never heard that?” Madeline asked. “The Benefactors—Arvakr, taught us that story. Or a version of it.”

“Yeah,” Elegy agreed. “We learned that aliens spread Dew throughout the galaxy to keep the Queen away, but that it eventually collected on planets and needs to be spread again.”

Reggie looked at the two of them thoughtfully. “So either they twisted the truth into a lie, or they told a lie that happened to resemble the truth. Interesting. But I’m afraid that’s all I really know. Well, that and it breaks the laws of physics.”

There was a moment of silence. “I’m sorry, what?” Cockroach asked.

“Is that important?”

“A little bit. Did you say it breaks the laws of physics?”

Reggie looked a little nervous, apparently realizing he’d been holding back something important this entire time. “Yeah. That’s how it’s able to make a ship move faster than light.”

“So it’s more than just a power source,” Cockroach said, voice full of wonder. “It can’t be replaced with something with an equal amount of potential energy because it’s not about energy.”

Suddenly, a previously insignificant piece of information struck Elegy as relevant. “There was Dew in the tank where I found Reggie, too.”

“Allowing a man to stay alive for a thousand years,” Cockroach concluded. “How much of our lost tech is lost because we don’t understand the role of Astral Dew? Is there any in Fella’s head?”

Elegy moved closer to Fella and leaned in until his forehead nearly touched hers. Even with his eyes closed, Elegy could sense her unnaturally still eyes staring at him. He could not, however, sense Astral Dew. He wondered if it was being drowned out by the constant presence of Dew in the walls of the ship. But he had easily picked out the trace amounts in the tube.

“I don’t think so,” he said finally.

Cockroach frowned. “Maybe it’s used somewhere in the process of making AI, then. At any rate, I feel a little better about potentially submerging myself in Dew.”

“Speaking of which, do you mind if I ask a personal question?” Reggie asked.

“I’m an open book,” Cockroach replied with a gesture to proceed.

“How do people transition these days?”

“Varies,” Cockroach replied. “Depending on what kind of tech they can get ahold of.” She grabbed one of her own breasts and gave it a squeeze. Elegy nervously averted his eyes. “Got these thanks to a nanite colony. They were supposed to redistribute fat, convert hormones, destroy facial hair follicles, all kinds of stuff, but they turned out to be a ripoff. Fuckers died off after a couple of months. After that, I got a hormone managing implant.” She pointed at her left shoulder. “It was great for a few years, but it malfunctioned around the time I met Fella and I haven’t had the money to get it repaired.”

“It was the worst possible time for it to break, too,” Fella added.

“Yeah, ended up stuck without estrogen for a couple of years,” Cockroach continued. “Now I’m on pills.”

“That’s what they use on Lasstop, too,” Madeline added.

Elegy looked around the room. There were a lot of unfamiliar words being thrown around and it seemed as if he was the only person who didn’t know what was going on.

“What are you all talking about?” he asked finally.

“I’m transgender,” Cockroach replied as if that explained everything. “I mentioned that yesterday.”

Elegy recalled her using that word. “Is that a medical condition or something?”

“Sort of,” Reggie replied. “But not exactly. You know how sometimes people change their sex?”

Elegy stared at Reggie, trying to understand how those words fit together.

“Cockroach was born with a phenotypically male body,” Fella explained. “She uses hormones and other methods to correct it.”

Elegy directed his stare towards Fella. He was beginning to feel embarrassed by his inability to understand.

“Look, the easiest way to explain it is that I used to be a man,” Cockroach said finally. “It’s more complicated than that, but you need to understand it in your terms before you’re going to be able to understand it in mine.”

Now Elegy understood. He had heard of the variety of madness that caused men to dress as women and mutilate their bodies. They were often the subject of mockery in plays and films. The other Surveyors usually laughed at these characters, often quoting their lines in imitations of their screechy falsetto voices. However, something had always struck Elegy as sad, even depressing about them. It seemed as if men like that were doomed to misery through no fault of their own, with no hope of ever being feminine enough to be happy. It was said that they needed therapy to learn to appreciate masculinity, but if their desire for womanhood was enough to mutilate themselves, how could they ever be rid of it? He always felt a small amount of relief that he wasn’t plagued with a desire like that.

As he looked at Cockroach, however, he found himself becoming confused again. She did not resemble those men. They wore wigs and makeup and dresses. Cockroach had hair as short as a man’s and wore shirts and pants. They spoke in grating falsettos, not Cockroach’s soft voice. Most of all, however, they were always very obviously men. Elegy had never doubted that Cockroach was a woman. Wouldn’t a man trying to be a woman look less convincing than ever if he dressed like Cockroach?

Except, there had always been something odd about her appearance. Her hips were strangely narrow. Did men have hips like that? And while her shoulders weren’t broad, they appeared broad compared to her hips. She was unusually tall, too, and her jaw had a sharpness to it. When she had sung earlier, her voice had been more tenor than alto. Somehow, Elegy hadn’t picked up on it before, but Cockroach really did look as if she were halfway between male and female.

“So you’re really a man?” Elegy asked, trying to confirm whether he understood.

Cockroach opened her mouth to respond, but Madeline spoke first. “No. She’s a woman, just as much as me. It doesn’t matter how she used to look.”

Elegy understood. It must have been more polite to treat her as a woman. “But she’s going to use the bio-engineering chamber to become a real woman?”

Cockroach visibly winced and Elegy instantly regretted those words.

“Listen.” Madeline’s voice seethed with anger. “It’s not your body that makes you a woman. As far as any of us are concerned, she is a real woman. If she wants to make some changes to make herself more comfortable, that’s her business.”

Elegy didn’t understand. Was Cockroach a man or a woman? He felt like any way he asked this question was wrong. He examined Cockroach again, his eye tracing a path down to her crotch.

“I don’t like being looked at like that,” Cockroach said. “Like a puzzle.”

“Oh, darling,” Fella said, voice full of worry. She rushed to crouch at Cockroach’s side and embraced her.

“Hey, buddy, let’s go get a snack,” Reggie said suddenly, guiding Elegy out of the room.

Outside they walked in silence for some time while Elegy considered what had just happened. “I didn’t mean to hurt her,” he said finally.

“I know,” Reggie replied. “It’s probably a sensitive topic for her. She was trying to meet you where you are, but things got a little out of hand.”

“I still don’t understand,” Elegy admitted.

“Maybe try looking at it this way; why is it the bio-engineering chamber that makes Cockroach a woman?” Reggie asked. “She’s still the same person before she goes in and after she comes out.”

“But her body changes,” Elegy observed.

Reggie nodded slowly. “It does. But what if she were to do it the old fashioned way, with surgery? Would she be less of a woman then?”

Elegy said nothing, uncertain of how to respond.

“And what about before we arrived, when she didn’t have a way to do either? Wouldn’t it be cruel to say she isn’t a woman just because she doesn’t have enough money?”

Elegy couldn’t deny that. He imagined it would be like twisting the knife. “But if it’s not her body, then what does make her a woman?”

Reggie shrugged. “I don’t know. In my time, it was easy for people to have whatever body they want, so I never put much thought into how many of my friends transitioned or what made them who they were. I think the kindest thing to do is accept people as they present themselves.”

That made sense to Elegy, as well. Being kind to Cockroach was much more important than understanding her. “I want to apologize to her.”

“That’s a good idea. But let’s hold off on that until tomorrow. She could use a little space right now.”

As they neared the cafeteria, Elegy tried to imagine the world Reggie had described. Where men could easily become women and vice versa. If he could have any body he wanted, without any fear of judgement, he wondered what kind he would choose.

“Have you ever thought about being a woman?” he asked.

“I actually tried it out for a while,” Reggie replied. “A couple of years ago—a couple of years before I was frozen, that is. An old girlfriend talked me into trying it.”

Elegy stared at Reggie in shock. He tried to imagine his friend as a woman. What had he looked like? With the bio-engineering chambers, it could be anything. How had he dressed? Had he acted the same? 

“What was it like?” he asked.

Reggie thought about this for a long moment. “Pissing was weird,” he said finally. “It runs down your ass and it’s really annoying.”

Elegy laughed. “That’s it?”

“The sex was great. But after a few weeks I was itching to get back into my old body. Everything felt wrong. Little differences were incredibly annoying.”

Elegy wondered if people were meant to be in the bodies they were born into. “Will that happen to Cockroach?”

“I doubt it,” Reggie replied. “She strikes me as someone who knows exactly what she wants.”

She had already altered her body quite a bit, Elegy realized. So maybe what Reggie had felt during his time as a woman, was how Cockroach felt all the time. He tried to picture what that would be like, imagined going into the bio-engineering chamber and coming out a woman. However, it didn’t seem distressing at all. In fact, the idea was rather exciting. Perhaps it was something that had to be experienced to be understood.

“Did you dress like a woman, too?” Elegy asked.

“Sometimes. My girlfriend gave me a makeover a couple of times, got me all dressed up with makeup and everything. It was fun. And I looked amazing.” Reggie grinned. “But I still look amazing if I do that stuff. You should see me in a sarong.”

Was that a joke? It seemed like one, but Reggie’s tone sounded genuine. Elegy settled on a nervous laugh in response.