Afterword
Welcome to the end of Volume 1! After coming back to edit/write this I can’t believe how much my writing and the story has improved. That being said, the number of characters, character growth, relationship growth, and time skips (which technically have all of those things happen off-paper) made this a problematic write in the first place. Later on, the time skips get... Well… skipped.
Actually, this entire Arc and world was not the original story I wanted to write. In fact, the original story I wanted to write doesn’t begin until Volume 8, where a generally good, quick learning, and overall op protagonist with superpowers was sent to another world. However, I felt that I wanted to show his origins, where his powers came from, any additional abilities that came to me, and how he came to be. I’m happy I did so, and I’m glad I waited until I had written much more to the story before going public so that the prologue could exist as it does.
Initially, I began to write this world on the fly. The only thing I knew was that this world would be Arthurian in inspiration, and I wanted the main love interest’s name to be Freyja, after the Norse Goddess. As I was writing, I found an incredible link between Arthurian Legend and Norse mythology in my research. The swords Gram and Excalibur were theorized to be the same weapon due to their similar nature, and that was what I built the entire world about. Before I knew it, the story and the world had written themselves. Because of this experience, I was more empowered to continue and allow the story to write itself while putting my initial ideas on hold, which made for a much more exciting story.
Volumes Purpose:
- Character introductions
- Introduce Martel to the base powers(Ki and Magic)
- Start/Prepare for character growth.
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Hulk Agiota
Hello there,
I know I'm a little late to the party here, but seeing as I'm spellchecking I figured I might as well leave a review for the first volume. (You note that you've gotten much better at writing above, makes me kinda leery about reviewing your early work without seeing the improvement. But I figure this will add a different perspective at least....)
For starters, tone does not translate well across the internet, so whenever I say something critical I want you to picture my voice as warm, even, and thoughtful. And as long as you're doing that, I want you to picture me as extremely handsome too.
Having said that, I will mostly be covering critiques and advice rather than praise which, while unfortunate, I believe will be more helpful. So, onwards!
1. Doyleist complaints/Plot contrivance
Sorry, bit of a prelude is necessary here. Every story has some amount of plot contrivance. As much as authors like to pretend that everything fell into place naturally, in the end the author is the Dungeon Master who decides the cause and effect.
I use Dungeon Master's as an example for a reason, like a DM, an author's job is to give the players/character's as much freedom as possible while subtly hiding their manipulation/contrivance of the plot.
You always want the reader to think that actions happen because of the character's choices rather than because the writer forces it to. This is done by using foreshadowing, showing character motivation or emotional state, and by clearly/cleverly conveying plot information so that it feels believable when it happens while still remaining a surprise until then.
If a reader thinks a character's actions or circumstances feel contrived then it's usually missing one of the above or they actually 'are' acting out of character. Either way, it's worth looking back on your work with a critical eye.
Example: (I'm going to try to demonstrate a whole bunch of things using this one example so please bare with me.) Freed, out of curiosity, is his name short for Siegfried? From my perspective, everything about Freed feels contrived. He's a cunning manipulative bully who's drunk on power... at least I assume that's his character based on a few responses you've given and Martel's statements, but that isn't really 'shown' in the story.
Instead he comes off as, what I like to call, a Random Jerk.
Someone who's randomly antagonistic towards the protagonist without any reason deeper than, "I didn't like him."
Someone who acts like a rapist to the heir apparent of a country while on a mission to said country... His reason? To get a rise out of them? This just makes him seem like an oaf and an idiot. Ironically, because the country in question is afraid of war, he gets away with this.
He is an unrealistic one dimensional person who has no redeeming or likeable qualities. In other words, this is a character who the author has contrived for the readers to hate to provide tension. A caricature.
At least... That's how he currently appears. I realize that you were going for a different angle with him, and I don't think it would take much to change his image.
Half the problem could be solved by a few choice phrases. Martel could notice that though he acts wildly and unrestrained, his eyes seem completely calm. Or maybe Freya could notice with her experience in court intrigue that he seems to be hiding something or holding something back. Use subtle things like this to clue the readers into the fact that he's a deadly snake rather than a buffoon.
The other half is more problematic, as far as I've currently read (Vol 2 Chapter 8) Freed hasn't done anything to make me doubt my initial assessment. SPOILER'S AHEAD!
First instance, in order to get the other country's hero to do something unheroic (Like defending a woman's honor), he insults the country's heir apparent and generally acts like a degenerate. Apparently, as far as I can tell, the heir apparent went to meet him alone... A dangerous person who serves a near hostile country and has a somewhat bad reputation... Plot contrivance at it's finest! Anyway, VIP or not, this kind of behavior is generally not tolerated in monarchies. Add to this that many rulers in this series are irrational and we have a new candidate for the "quickest to start a war" competition. Freed doesn't so much as get a slap on the wrist. He's really lucky isn't he?
Second instance, he kills the protagonists beloved... And stands over the body to monologue trying to... Bait the hero into attacking? Then he doesn't attack the hero who's completely defenseless and ignoring him? Instead he antagonizes him some more and then leaves quietly after leaving a shoddy false trail.... May the plotforce be with him???
Third instance, in the followup battle he is blasted off the battlefield by an enhanced magic explosion. The magic is unable to destroy him because Ki. He is severely wounded though, and even though the mage in question is completely focused on him and out for blood while using powerful area of effect magic and he is completely unable to defend himself, the nearby soldiers manage to carry him away from the battle at the cost of morale...(Me thinks he has contracted a bad case of plot contrivance. Doc says it's terminal.) And then! He decides that he wants to beat up the protagonist who he hears is fighting, and winning, in a different flank.... This just makes him seem like an idiot who was blessed with power before he was ready.
The only other things we know about him are things like "He was a jerk back on earth too" "He doesn't actually train anymore than he's forced to." "He also rapes a bunch of people without consequence" He's just one dimensional at this point....
Spoiler End!!!!!
My suggestions are as follows:
In the first instance he might benefit if he, and the country, actually have a plan. Currently, it just feels like he came on a whim and is testing the waters by acting like a fool and causing a diplomatic nightmare. I'd recommend that he charm some people while subtly degrading others to show his social acumen. Either that, or have him play the fool but also be playing his own country while having his own agenda. Show that he's a manipulator rather than say!
In the second instance I would have him be more efficient, conniving, or heartfelt. Currently, it just seems like the country set up a backstab and had him be their hired muscle for the operation. This is an opportunity to see him out of the social world. When there's a job to do does he drop the act? What kind of person do we see? Does he actually train in secret? Does he prefer indirect methods? Efficient and conniving are straightforward enough but this is also an opportunity for him to actually say something important about himself. For him to have character development (even if it's in the wrong direction.)
The third instance is odd to me, cause I personally think he should be dead. If something from the second instance were used as foreshadowing for him to survive then it would be a bit more believable. For instance, when he saw how powerful the magic was, he started to get crafty and use all his training to duel her to a standstill and then get pushed back by her ferocity before being launched. (Getting crafty can manifest as using other soldiers as human shields, Ki pounding the ground to create a dust cloud for cover while he runs, using magic to prematurely detonate the explosions, etc.) He just needs a good reason to have survived despite the odds. It can be anything so long as it's somewhat believable.
Let me end the topic of plot contrivance there. Seems I meandered my way around the topic but I'm hoping you got something out of all that.
2. Philosophy and self aggrandizing
I'm hoping this one's shorter than the last one. I know I got side tracked in part one but this is really about volume 1 as a whole so the examples can sometimes get out of hand... /:
This section is about the protagonists love of philosophy (not a bad thing) and his tendency to soapbox/rant/talk-at-length about new age philosophy at climatically awkward moments (usually a bad thing. Needs to be done well to get away with it).
The problem isn't that they exist, the problem is that they tend to be clunky and preachy while feeling out of place. Furthermore, the other character's are usually unable to put up any kind of argument or disagreement to whatever he says. This makes the side character look bland/unintelligent while the protagonist looks like a mouthpiece.... A net loss all around.
I wrote a little rant in one of my spellchecks that goes over this topic, for the sake of brevity, I won't be repeating it.
3. 1 vs 2 vs 3 dimensional characters
Hopefully a short and simple section.
Quick definitions and examples.
1st dimension character: Tend to revolve around one concept and have little else. They're sexy, evil, unlikable, insane, tragic, greedy, whatever. You can describe them in a couple words usually. Contrary to popular opinion, this is not necessarily bad. Darth Vader in The New Hope is one dimensional but is still an awesome villain. You've just got to use these in the right circumstances and, if they're reoccurring, slowly build them into a-
2nd dimension character: Tend to have a backstory and personality traits but no motivation. They have a complex character but there's nothing behind their eyes. They tend to react to situations rather than act. This is a more interesting/funny/lively character but they're still only and archetype. Eventually we hope to grow them into a-
3rd dimension character: Tends to have reasons not to take the obvious course of action. A kid who dreams of glory doesn't take Excalibur when it's offered to him because he wants to be a spear-man like his father who died protecting the lord against a cavalry charge. Or a efficient thief who's not strong enough to win by anything but trickery. Due to plot reasons he is forced to fight his master whom he respects. After locking eyes with him he wipes the poison off his blade, he will not let his master die a slow, honorless death even if it means his own. Or maybe a movie take, William Wallace can plead for mercy and be spared from execution. He believe that some things are worse than death, freedom is more important than his life.
Here's some of your characters to give you an idea.
Freya is a one dimensional character. She's sweet and nice and knows nothing of philosophy despite living a life a court intrigue. She's agreeable in just about every way, in other words... She has no opinions. Well... Really basic ones. I may be biased though, I didn't really like her.
Morgan is kind of a 2.5 dimensional character. She started as a one dimensional tsundere styled character but grew some complexity and became a two. In the second volume I'd say she's progressing a bit towards three.
As of Vol 2, the protagonist is usually somewhere between 2 and 3
4. Conveying a character's intention
The big problem. Your protagonist is kinda stoic (again, not a bad thing) but it's hard to empathize with him unless you give a description of the emotions he does feel. Unfortunately, most of my examples are from volume 2.
In the first volume it's not as big a problem because nothing really shakes him enough to get him emotional.
For the first volume, my advice would be to try to make his emotions less epic and more human. This may sound weird, but most of time you speak about how he's feeling, it's from the perspective of an awestruck onlooker.
This makes him look more epic but we NEVER GET TO SEE WHAT HE'S THINKING/FEELING! Long term that's a major problem.
We just need a half sentence here and there to give us some kind of link to his perspective
Anyway, I've rambled long enough. Thanks for reading!
Locke
.... Holy wall of text Batman. I didn't realize it'd ended up so long.
Sorry about that....
I was not expecting an essay in the comments, lol. I’m going to try to answer this in as short a manner as possible, so I won’t hit every point. As a quick reminder:
1. I am a complete amateur writer only having written for school (English was my worst subject).
2. This was never intended to be public.
3. The first 4 volumes were originally written in first person(Martel). This leads to parts having limited/biased information that was never changed. (This is a large reason)
4. Constructive criticism is always welcome.
Freed: No, though it would fit, he was not intended to be a reference to Siegfried. He is a minor persistent antagonist who appears comically evil, but he is calculated, though blinded by his fragile ego and sudden power gain. This did not come off as intended because of #3 and my leaving it (a little too) vague. I do believe that there is some mention of his calculated nature when/after they meet.
Freyja: I can see why you interpreted her as one-dimensional. The intent was for her to be open-minded and inquisitive, though I think I failed at that as she never countered with her own thoughts.
Martel: Interestingly, I wrote him to initially be nice, but appear apathetic due to the fact he is suffering from depression and suppressing it. He is wearing a mask and his face comes off stiff as well as he is a bit of a mystery which is chipped away over the first 6 volumes. I'm not sure that this came off correctly.
In general, I also have to consider ‘action’ vs ‘characters’. Given the genre, most aren't looking for super in-depth characters, but story progression. My goal was to try to make a combination of the two. I.E. setting/changing /growing characters through the story, which is not an easy task.
Thanks for your critiques. I consider what is posted as a first draft (vol 8+ is a rough draft), thus not complete. After the current arc (which is nowhere near done), I am considering a full rewrite, especially of the first two volumes. Comments like these help my thought process when writing so, again, thanks.
@mrmitch246 Thank you for reading the thing. This was only meant to be a review for the first volume so it really doesn't do your current writing justice. (I haven't read that far yet so, unfortunately, I don't know how much your writing has improved.)
The first 4 volumes were originally made in first person? That explains a lot actually....
Freed: Hmm, I could kind of see the 'drunk on power' aspect but completely missed the fragile ego. That's a hard one to show in third person too... You'll need to be rather clever with your dialog.
Freyja: This probably suffered because of the change to third person. She seemed sweet but bland. As you said though, this is probably because she never expressed her thoughts.
Martel: Ahh! That makes sense. Though, once again, you've given yourself quite the challenge. The most important moments are when the mask 'slips' slightly to reveal what he's really feeling/thinking. Which would work great if the story was in first person from Freyja's perspective but is harder in third. Not impossible or obscenely difficult, but still harder than usual. Especially because it something subtle. You can do it!
Action vs Characters: Agreed, the balance of these two is important, as it becomes a quality over quantity game rather quickly. You can't have conversations that are unrelated/too long/boring or the story starts to drag, on the other hand, if you have no worldbuilding/lore/character depth then the action can feel flat and not engaging. No character will start three dimensional, but if they're enjoyable to follow then people will stick around to watch the layer's be pulled back, and the action is the catalyst to do that.
Thanks for reading!
Read every day, write every day, and steal techniques from your favorite authors!
Locke
Was this story dropped?
Nope, posting biweekly
@mrmitch246 So own chapter per week of a couple per week?
@Animelovernumber1 posting 1 every other week
@mrmitch246 Ugh so inconsistent updates
@mrmitch246 Is Guinevere having a affair with Lancelot? And if she is can you please kill her off?