“As far as today goes,” Swan said, “I was supposed to be the first to get whatever the treasure is in the Temple of Lost Souls. I wasn’t supposed to talk about it, but a major company was thinking of sponsoring me. I bet my views have tanked so badly today that they’ll pretend they never heard of me, so hardly matters now. Blight was the Anterra character I created to fit into what a lot of people wanted to see. Direct, aggressive, extremely masculine, all that stuff.”

“Less blatantly obnoxious than some of the gamer bros,” Neon said. “I’ll give you that. But your company leaves something to be desired.”

“They subscribe, so they can have a chance at going on adventures with Blight. If they subscribe, then in my own time, I can be in Anterra my own way. I mean, it’s not ideal, but I’m really good at it, and it means being here, not out in the real world in my own body. I’ve usually been able to stop them from starting fights with anyone who isn’t looking for one anyway, and keep them from being horrendously bigoted, at least while I’m around. When I’m not around, there isn’t much I can do.”

“True.”

“Look, I’m not going to claim it’s altruistic or makes their behaviour any better. It’s a job. Like being a mascot at a theme park or doing ghost tours or something. ”

“To be fair,” Elavetha said, “you probably aren’t making their behaviour any worse, either. You just proved that your control over them was very limited.”

“No kidding. I spent a lot of time getting Blight powerful enough for partying with him to be appealing to some people. Sure, there’s a little bit of ego in there, gotta do self-promo to make a living, but seriously... you do not hate Blight anywhere nearly as badly as I do.”

“I was not expecting that,” Jessamine admitted. “So why are you still playing him?”

“I only play Blight when I’m streaming. That’s, like five or six hours a day. I’m in Anterra at least twice that every day. Not streaming, just playing. I love this game more than I can tell you. It’s huge and varied with so much to see and do, and there are so many unique characters to create and experiment with. And when I’m not streaming, I play the characters that I actually enjoy playing. Of the five I have marked as Playable instead of Archived, my Faun scout came first. He doesn’t work so well alone, he really needs to be in a party, but otherwise, he’s fun when I’m feeling social. The Fairy elementalist was after that. I love being able to fly and cast spells, and en doesn’t actually need a party to go exploring. Just gotta know which element to use on what threat.”

“I suppose it’s hard to be mad at you for wanting to stay fed and pay the rent,” Neon said. “And trapping yourself into having to keep playing a character you hate that’s practically a caricature of a man feels like a punishment in itself. So where’d Swan come from?”

“I haven’t actually played Swan in ages because I felt so bad about that.”

“Spit it out. I’m pretty sure I promised absolution.”

“Um... when I ran into you while I was streaming... I wasn’t really thinking. It’s awfully easy to just sort of switch off other brain functions and act like they expect. The two I was with that day are what you might call bad influences, I guess, although I suppose I wasn’t resisting very hard. I did get mad at you for beating me, especially because I got a lot of not-very-friendly teasing for it. I knew about you only being into girls, and I, um...”

“I’m the one you created Swan to troll.”

“Um... yes.” It came out barely audible. “But it didn’t go right! I needed to get Swan up to a reasonable level so it wouldn’t look suspicious, and I was expecting that to just be a bit of a slog. But it wasn’t. I started actually having a lot more fun than I expected, finding out that there are actually some really cool abilities a Succubus gets if you stick with it, and necromancy is a bit creepy but it’s a whole different mindset from an elementalist so that was fascinating, and interactions with players and NPCs were different and I just... started liking it. Everything felt better, more natural and real and right. When I saw you again I made sure you noticed me. I was really not expecting to find out that when I wasn’t drowning in Blight’s garbage, I actually really liked and admired you.”

Neon laughed. “Oh my god. You were expecting to get all flirty with me and then pull a whole, ‘Surprise, I’m a guy,’ thing? Right, of course, no way for you to know that I seriously don’t give a crap. I just take people at face value in the game, y’know? You’re playing a girl, good enough. It wouldn’t have been all that horrifying. But I’m starting to wonder whether you might have an even more fundamental assumption wrong. We can get to that. So you realized you didn’t want to do that after all, disappeared, and haven’t been playing a character that you really enjoyed because it’s associated with guilt, but you didn’t dissociate enough to mark her as Archived. Gotcha. You said five active characters.”

“Knowing my luck, you’ll be seeing her any minute,” Swan sighed. “I gave rogue a try. And felt so amazingly at home and natural in that character that she’s actually nearly as high a level as Blight. She’s almost always the one I’ve been playing for ages.”

“So,” Jessamine slowly, “you’ve gone over time from a badass Orc to a Faun that I assume is the usual androgynous boyish kind of thing to a Fairy with no sex at all to two female characters that feel much more comfortable to you.”

Swan shrugged. “Yeah. Don’t most guys at some point wish they could find out what it’s like to be a girl?”

“Yes and no,” Elavetha said. “As an abstract bit of speculation, maybe. In hopes of figuring out how girls tick so one can get into their pants, maybe. But that is not the same as genuinely feeling more comfortable as a girl. Real-world, I’m a guy. I’m happy with that. My first character, before Jess, was male. He felt, in most ways, far more natural to me. I created Elavetha to keep Jess company. And I don’t have any problem with that. I’m okay with it, but always aware just a bit that it isn’t my body and it’s a game and a role. It’s just one I really enjoy playing. I like the more relaxed pace when we play together, I like the more casual interactions with other players most of the time, I like the lack of expectations. I plan to keep right on playing Elavetha, but that’s because I’m bored with my old character and I don’t have enough time around work for a third one. Not sure what I’d create anyway. That doesn’t mean that I’m feeling more at home in a female body. I would know.”

“Because of me,” Jessamine said. “Hi, I’m transgender. Ela talked me into creating a character in Anterra while I was questioning my own identity and it was making me miserable and I didn’t want to be around anyone. Creating a female character here felt like coming home, just the most natural thing in the world. Jessamine immediately felt more like my own real body than my real-world body ever did, and for a long time I hated it every time I had to log out.”

“Has it occurred to you,” Neon said gently, “that you actually might be a girl?”

Swan just stared at all three dumbly, struggling to find words. That couldn’t be right... could it? Female characters were just... just...

None of the other three said a word, just waiting for her to process that.

But the sounds of birds and stream slowed down, and so did everything she could see...

It was going to be a relief of sorts to be able to stop being Swan, with the embarrassing history there, and be her favourite character instead.

Error reading file for character 93108730#OnyxSwan

Reloading user account

Loading character 43379874#Symphony_Roseclaw

Symphony stretched, suddenly feeling happier about life. No matter what happened, it was always harder to feel negative while being Symphony.

She wasn’t wearing much, only a cropped top with ample knotted fringes at the edge and a sort of wrapped loincloth-skirt cross that matched right down to the fringes. It didn’t matter: in most weather, her own sleek tabby fur was sufficient, and besides, there was much less of her to contain compared to Swan. Slender and petite and athletic, she could get in anywhere, and it was hard for most to see her, the dull mottled buckskin of her clothes and her own stripes breaking up outlines and giving her a generous bonus to hide in poor lighting or if obscured otherwise. She adored the tail, the claws, but had found the ears needed a bit of time to adjust to.

“Your favourite character,” Neon said, “is an utterly adorable cat-girl rogue? Seriously?”

Symphony spread her hands. “I’ve got nowhere to hide on this one. Rogue bonuses are the same either way. I just really love playing this character.”

“Oh my god. I just want to pull you on my lap and cuddle you.”

“Your streamer name is Silence,” Jessamine said slowly.

“Yes. I used to stream a bunch of different games. Not very often these days.”

“And the character that makes you feel happiest—is that fair to say?”

“Yes. I always feel a bit... Idunno, low-level buzzed? In a better mood?... when I can play as Symphony.”

“Uh-huh. Euphoric, even?”

“That’s a good word for it.”

“And your fave character, who makes you feel euphoric, is named Symphony. The exact opposite of silence.” Jessamine shook her head. “I’ll DM you the contact info for the counsellor who helped me clarify things and helped me with ID technicalities, and the nanosurgeon who got things all fixed up for me so I feel comfortable like that in the real world, not just here.”

“Not going to tell you what you are,” Neon said, “but just sayin’, you wouldn’t be the first to overcompensate wildly out of fear of anyone, including you, guessing the truth.”

“I... what?” Symphony said blankly. “But... no, that’s not... that can’t be...” She trailed off.

Put like that... it was hard to refute. She could take refuge in the ‘it’s just a game’ angle, the fact that Elavetha was a guy despite playing a female character so believably, but the experiences just didn’t match up.

“I... maybe?” she said weakly. “I need to think about that. But it... you might be onto something? Possibly?”

“Fair enough,” Neon said briskly. “And from here, I’m happy to listen if you feel like you need someone to talk to...”

“Me too,” Jessamine said.

Elavetha nodded. “Already been through the whole thing with Jess. Lots of listening and hugs and chocolate and tea. I can do it again.”

“Thank you,” Symphony murmured, not quite sure what else to do. They hardly knew her!

Neon smiled. “... but from here, pushing you isn’t going to help. Since there appear to be extenuating circumstances, you can consider any prior bad behaviour erased from history. You’ve been punished enough and I doubt it’s going to happen again. Now. You were on your way to the Temple of Lost Souls so you could impress a possible sponsor and get yourself more subscribers so you can cover the bills, right?”

“Yes. But the sponsor deal is dead, and I’m scared to look at how many subs are reacting the same way as the three I was with.”

“You might want to actually look before assuming that,” Elavetha said. “Can you check from here?”

“Um... current viewer counts, and how many subs I’ve lost. Or gained. I am definitely not looking at my messages right now. I usually don’t—Anterra’s not a great platform most of the time for trying to follow live messages while still not dying. Usually I stop towards the end and just sit somewhere and answer them all at once.”

“Yeah, stay out of those for the moment,” Jessamine said. “But take a peek at your numbers. It’ll either confirm what you’re sure of or surprise you.”

Symphony shrugged and nodded, calling up the streaming interface.

She blinked, and reloaded it. “Is this glitching too? It says I have about three times my usual viewers. A lot of subs have dropped, but almost as many new ones!”

Elavetha rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I bet a lot of the viewers are gawking, expecting a complete train wreck. ‘Hey, look, someone’s having a complete nervous breakdown, live!’ People are seriously that sick. But let’s take advantage of it and finish that quest. Show them you can do it anyway.”

Jessamine nodded. “Absolutely. Let’s get you back in control of events, here. The four of us make a pretty balanced party. We’re not that far from the Temple.”

“Your ex-party members are probably still headed for it,” Neon said. “So we’re going to have to be careful not to get ambushed by that sniper-wannabe. But we can do this. Do you have a mount for this character?”

Symphony laughed. This was completely unexpected, but it felt just ridiculously good. “Yes. Did I mention I really like flying?” She whistled.