It was the morning of the day after New Day. I was taking a walk after breakfast around the temple with several senior priests while I waited for a carriage to pick me up, when Nathaniel came to me voluntarily, a rare occasion. 

“May I speak to you in private, You Holiness?”

“Certainly. Excuse us, brothers.”

We strode in the opposite direction from my mentor and his companions. I did not attempt to make conversation, knowing by now that Nathaniel would not be able to appreciate it, however intelligent and interesting the topic may be. To his stubborn mind, all our earthly concerns were worthless, and piety was the only subject worthy of him. Besides, I was irritated and tired from recent events, and anxious to return home.

After a decade of doing his best to avoid me, I knew Nathaniel would not have approached me for nothing. It must be about the offer of high priesthood, and I would allow him to bring up the matter. Sure enough, I did not have to suffer his silence for long. 

“I am honoured to have received an offer to become a High Priest, and I have decided to accept it.”

“Good. It is a wise choice.”

“Perhaps not for a reason Your Holiness would like. It is me placing the kingdom and God’s will over my own selfishness, as I should have done ages ago.”

We stopped walking abruptly. I turned to him. 

“Whatever do you mean?” I asked sharply. 

I could always read his expression thoroughly, and in it, I saw a passionate mixture of emotions, the most dominant of which was a firm conviction bordering on fanaticism. It reminded me of how I’d felt the night I died in my previous life, fed up with everything and finally snapping. His hazel eyes were wide and nervous, but determined. For a moment, he closed them, as if in prayer, and when they opened, with that hopeless desperation, I almost thought I saw Damian. 

Hell, he was just as mad. 

“It is my birthday today, Your Holiness. I am eighteen years old, and no longer a ward of House Avington.”

I had forgotten that, not expecting it to matter after all I’d done for him. “So what? You will abandon the hand that has clothed and fed you for the past decade?”

“I must. With all due respect, I can not continue on servicing your House, Your Holiness. As a servant of God, I can not go against his commands by serving the wicked, even to repay my own debt.”

“The wicked? You dare-”

“Worry not, Your Holiness. I have no proof in the slightest, you have been very careful of that. If I tried to tell anyone that you have released plagues just so you can act as saviour, that the bribes you have taken are too many to count, how donations were embezzled until hardly a drop was left for the needy, or any of your other revolting sins, they would simply call me insane.”

“Then why would you think I have done these things? In front of God, how dare you accuse his saint of these absolutely appalling acts?”

I glared up at him defiantly. He took a step closer to me. His tone trembled, and while it was threateningly quiet, it contained the pent up wrath of a decade, held back only by his naturally mild constitution. Even now, it would not spill out explosively, but this was as close as he would come to it. 

“Because after ten years, I know you, Your Holiness. Not all your secrets, but your character. You’re not who I thought you were. I believed you were different from all the other aristocrats, that you actually cared for us, that God had really chosen you. I had faith in you, for God’s sake, until you destroyed it again and again. I wanted to believe that the girl who saved me from a life of ignorance and gave me an opportunity to serve God to such an extent was good, trust me that I did! But I can’t lie to myself anymore. I can’t lie to God and his people.”

He grasped my hands and kissed them. The green flecks in his hazel eyes gleamed under the sunlight. His voice cracked. 

“I’m sorry, Lady Valentina. You have given me everything, and I can never thank you enough. I will always be indebted to you, but if you continue with your ways, I will not be able to repay my debt in this lifetime. My duty to God must come before my obligation to you. And if to serve God, I must sacrifice my own virtues and be disloyal to you, then it is a sin I will bear.”

My brows furrowed. In the wintry morning, his hands were strangely warm. There was a pang in my heart. Under his earnest gaze, perhaps this was the closest I’d come to developing a conscience. 

“Nonsense, Nathaniel!” I cried. “Who says you can not serve both me and God? I am God’s messenger, and my will is his will. The temple agrees. Besides, what do you expect to change? We will both continue to be children of God, and you my holy brother. I am happy for you that you can be even closer to him in this position, and I expect us to keep working together to carry out his commands. His Saintess and his High Priests are naturally allies.”

He was smart enough to tell that I was merely reminding him that his desertion meant nothing to me, with the influence I already had in the temple. It was inconvenient, yes, and angered me, but it could not affect me much. After all, I knew him too. For all his devotion, he was weak, and would never really be able to do anything against me. He could not sever the tie between us, no matter how much he wanted to. 

Nathaniel shook his head and smiled sadly, as if he was aware of some greater understanding I was not. The look annoyed me.

“There are no falsehoods in front of God, nor between you and me, Your Ladyship, even if you refuse to acknowledge it. I beg of you to repent before it is too late. I will pray for you, as I have always done.”

He kissed my forehead and whispered a blessing. Perhaps it was the open wound from yesterday, but this hurt more than I would’ve expected it to. Here was a man priding himself for his virtues, and mine were apparently awful enough to drive him to betray them. I took my hands away from his.

“Very well, then. Farewell, Priest Nathaniel.”

As I left him, I wondered whether I should kill him. It would be quite easy. After all, I had no use for a tool that was not mine. He was right about knowing me. He was one of the few that did, but the only commoner, and the only one that would put things so blatantly. The relationship between us was not quite friendship, definitely not romantic, but nevertheless deep and strong. 

For all his claims, I believed he wouldn’t really be able to turn me down if I ever asked him for anything. His debt would always bound him to me like no other. Yes, it wouldn’t hurt to keep him. Without their decade-long friendship, he would have no reason to help Catherine either. Everything would be over soon anyways. 

In the novel, at this time, Catherine was awed by the ceremonies and had a dream from God. Over the course of the year, Nathaniel would confess to her, Oscar would annul our engagement and become engaged to her, and Damian would kidnap her and be killed when she was rescued. I would attempt to murder her and be sentenced to death and Father would start a rebellion. She would be declared as saint. 

What a stupid plot! When everything went according to plan, she would be long gone from our lives by then.