I can’t sleep either in the hammock or in my bed. Finally I grab a piece of paper and a pen and start writing.
I have to say at least something to him. The first ten notes turn into clumps of paper under the bed, the next ten into scraps.
Then I have a stupor, or I think of some kind of triviality, such as:
"I'm sorry." It's just pathetic. Should I drip few tears? I scribble on the sheet.
“I wanted to see you and talk, but I didn't know what to say. Your brother is right in many ways, and we know too little about each other, and I'm not sure I'm ready for more, and neither are you.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Please do not think that everything that happened between us meant nothing to me.
Well, here it seems appropriate.
"I love you."
I don’t know why I wrote this. I avoided this and, in general, any hints of love in the previous notes, but here I wanted to write so I could feel how this phrase resonates inside.
I thoroughly cross out my incongruous confession. But I can’t squeeze a line out of myself anymore. I fold the sheet several times and leave it in my jacket pocket. I can't decide if I should give it to Aiden.
The storm outside broke out, tomorrow father will have a lot of work. These storms never go unnoticed for the farm. The wind is raging, howling in the pipes, the rain is pouring. I reflect on my own confession and fall asleep.
I wake up before the alarm clock and get dressed. I’m not hungry at all, but I hear Laura making coffee in the kitchen. I sit on my bed, take yesterday's note out of my pocket, and reread it several times. I feel depressed as much as I felt good just a couple of days ago.
I check my bag again just to keep myself busy. I go out into the kitchen, take a sip of coffee, hear my father get up too – water is running in the bathroom upstairs. Sister is not here. I leave the house and see Laura. She walks from Brent and Aiden's shack, they are behind her.
Aiden looks down at his feet, I feel really bad. Even got scared for a moment, I understand Brent's fear. Anyone who has tried to commit suicide once can do it a second time. I didn't notice that something was wrong with Aiden, now everything appears in a different light.
But I don't like the though. Like Aiden is crazy.
I shouldn't have started all this. I should've known better. If I had wanted a relationship without commitment, I should have gone to the coast and played as much as I could.
But I never wanted that. Yes, I was lonely.
So much so that I decided to take advantage of another person to brighten up my loneliness?
This is something new about you, Jack.
“Good morning,” Brent says. But I can't even hear him, Aiden doesn't look at me. Brent apparently spoke to him. And I have no idea what he said. Father runs out of the house.
“Damn it, a damn thunderstorm has flooded our basement. Laura, take your brother to the airport! I will deal with this.”
As I said, such storms never pass lightly.
“Dad!” Laura exclaims. “I haven't woken up yet! Brent or Aiden can do it!”
But father looks at her sternly and tosses her the car keys. Reluctant as ever she traipses to the car. I follow behind, still trying to catch Aiden's gaze.
My emotions about Aiden are much stronger than all the others. He walks past me and says, "Good luck."
My tongue is frozen, just like my hand with the note in my pocket.
I sit in the front seat, Laura starts the car and we drive away.
It takes about an hour to get to the airport, but for me time flies.
I should have talked to him. I don't know what Brent told him, but Aiden didn't look at me at all. I was going to end this, but as a result, it's ended before I could do anything. It hurts. Would it be better if I did it myself?
Maybe then I would not have been such a coward at least.
Why am I clutching this note in my pocket?
It won't fix anything.
I somehow lost Aiden in an instant. And maybe our relationship was not serious, but the pain inside me is quite serious.
“Cat's got your tongue?” After a long silence says Laura, glancing sideways at me. I didn't realize how deep I was in thought. I clear my throat and open my mouth, but to my amazement I have nothing to say. At all.
Come on, pull yourself together. Small talk, small talk.
Laura turns to look at me and it makes me nervous.
“I slept poorly.” I say finally, Laura looks at me incredulously. “The storm...” I sigh. I don't really care if Laura figures me out, I don't care, I can't put on a smiley face and chat.
“Yeah... the storm.” She says and turns away. She didn't buy it but I'm grateful she decided to leave it at this.
At the airport, Laura hugs me, I give her mirthless smile and leave.
Maybe distance will help? Out of sight, out of mind.
At the end of the day, I'm a grown man who got a little carried away. It's sad that it ended up like this. But still it had come to an end.
It won't be soon I'll let myself remember the first time I kissed him.
I take a taxi from the airport to an apartment, originally it was mother's, but then she left to live on the farm with dad. Now I use it and it's pretty convenient.
I hope that here I can forget. Nothing here will remind me of Aiden. I need to go the university, take the schedule... in general, I have a lot to do for the next month. So I'll quickly come to my senses.