"Our Riel is such a genius, isn't he? He's gonna end up becoming the King's right-hand man!" (Papa)

"He's so cute. He's gonna become such a lady killer! He'll swoon all the noble ladies!" (Leila)

"Riel is so talented. He's gonna grow up big and strong and become the strongest knight!" (Mother)

"And it's all thanks to me!" (x3)

"..."

"Huh?" (x3)

"What are you two going on about? It's obvious he's gonna be a knight. Riel takes after me after all." (Mother)

"Hahaha! Honey, you've gotta be kidding me, right? He's no gorilla, he's a genius just like me~" (Papa)

"Huh? It's obvious that I'm the reason why Riel's gonna be successful in life. After all, I'm the one who's been taking care of Riel the entire time. If he took after either of you, he'd either be a gorilla or a weirdo." (Leila)

"Right Riel?" (x3)

"U-uhh..." (Riel)

'If you're wondering what got me into this mess, then we'd have to go back to three months ago.'

6 months ago

'Hey, my name is Riel...'

...

...

'Goddamnit! It's been 2 months already and I'm stuck doing fucking nothing! I'm so bored! I've been stuck in my crib for the longest of times and I only ever get to go out whenever any of the three carry me around, but even that has its own problems! Whenever my dad carries me, I'm at constant risk of getting dropped, in fact, he's already dropped me two times! The only reason I'm still alive and kicking is because my mom always catches me in time.

As for the other two, they're all right. Although my mom always seems to have that intimidating killer aura around her, I know she isn't a monster and is actually pretty nice. Although, I do feel very uncomfortable whenever she breastfeeds me. Don't get me wrong, she's very beautiful, and might I add, she has a nice body and a good-looking pair of youknowwhatImean, but she's still my mom. No matter how much I try to ignore it, I will always remember those dreadful 30-ish minutes. I wish to forget, but alas, I cannot. Life is beautiful, birth is not.

As for Nee-chan, she's surprisingly the best option out of the three. She's caring and dependable without the I will kill anything within 30 meters of me vibe. Whenever I throw a fit, she always calms me down. She's also the one who bathes me and carries me around the most. However, if I had any complaints regarding her, it would be that she's not allowed to bring me outside of the house. When either my dad or mom carries me, they usually bring me outside to talk with the other villagers, but when my sister carries me, it's always around the house and stuff.

Speaking of which, it seems that we live in a village with nine families inhabiting it, including ours. Another thing to note is that most families had three to four children, with most of them being around Nee-chan's age. Coincidentally, all of the ones around Nee-chan's age were male and were, to varying degrees, attracted to her. On the other hand, there was only one other kid around my age as the rest were either in their late teens or full-grown adults. As for that one kid, it seems that his name was Vier and he's the 2nd son of the village chief. Another interesting fact is that most of the meat our village gets is hunted by Mother. Remind me not to piss her off, ever.

Now, how do I know this? Well, it seems that I can understand everything that they say. I have no idea whether this is some cheat auto-translation skill or if everyone just speaks Japanese, but I can't be bothered to find out which one it is since I have way more pressing matters such as, "am I going to die?". Anyways, ever since I realized I could understand what they said, I practiced speaking whenever there wasn't anyone else that could hear me. After all, I didn't want my family to think that I was the spawn of the devil. And through those practice sessions, I discovered that it was pretty damn hard to control a newborn's vocal cords. I can still remember how speaking works, but a newborn's vocal cords which aren't used to semi-precise controls and have virtually no muscle memory are still pretty hard to handle.

Another thing I had to think about was my first words. Think about it, depending on my first words, each member of my family might react differently towards it. For example, if I said Nee-chan, then they might think I was a siscon. The same goes for the other two. I also need to practice the way I say it. If by chance I said it normally, I might seem like a demon baby. Therefore, I have to say it in a "goo-goo gaga" kind of way to avoid an early bad-end. Well, now seems like a good time.'

"Check check one-two. My name is Riel Lostbe–" (Riel)

"R-riel?" (Leila)

'Fuck'

"Heya there Riel~" (Leila)

'Fuckfuckfuck FUUUUUCK No, wait, just play it cool, no, play dumb, yeah yeah that's the one, yeah, just act like you're a dumbass baby who has no fucking clue what they're doing, mhm mhm let's go with tha–'

"Motheeeeeer! Papaaaaaa! Riel said his first wooooords!!!" (Leila) 

'OH FUUUUUCK'

'And now we're here. Hmm? I skipped a bunch of stuff? Ah, well you see, what's happening right now is exactly what happened back then and is also what's been happening for the past few months, just with different things, and it's all because I have no fucking clue how babies work. How am I supposed to know that babies take their first steps when they're nine months not five? Well, that does explain why it's so fucking hard to walk, no shit my baby arms can't fucking handle walking. Wait, but why can I walk now? Is it because I kept practicing how to walk, or is it because this body is just talented as hell?

Eh, I can't be bothered to think about that right now, especially when I'm currently facing this dilemma. Now, which one am I gonna have to suck up to?  Do I choose Mother or Nee-chan? Papa? Nah, no way in hell. If I choose him, the both of us are just gonna be scolded non-stop by Mother and Nee-chan. Then again, he does embody everything I used to be, lazy and unreliable. Honestly, it sounds like such a nice life, problem is, unlike with Mom, I feel like my life is at constant risk if I piss Mother off. 

Now, between Mother and Nee-chan, I like Nee-chan way more. After all, she is the one who talks to me the most since she's the one taking care of me while Mother is busy hunting and Papa doesn't try to cut my life short. Problem is, compared to Nee-chan, there are way more benefits to sucking up to Mother. After all, she is the breadwinner. But just like with Nee-chan, sucking up to Mother also has its downs. From what Mother has said, she might turn me into an RPG character and make me grind till I max-out. But, it doesn't sound so bad. I mean, think about it. Maybe, just maybe, I can finally become buff and get that sick body us men have always dreamt of. But, I'm just too lazy for all that. You know what, fuck it, I'm just gonna say the first thing that comes to mind and deal with what happens later.

Three.

Two.

One.

LET'S GOOOOOOO!!!'

"I'm schweepy!" (Riel)

"...huh?" (x3)

'...what the fuck. What the actual fuck. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAAAAAY!!! I mean, yeah it's fucking late and I sure as hell am sleepy, but WHY WAS THAT THE FIRST THING THAT I THOUGHT OF?!?!'

"Pfft." (Mother)

"AHAHAHAHAHA!!!" (Papa)

"Hahaha, of course Riel is sleepy! It's so late already." (Nee-chan)

"That's pfft true. We should pfft sleep as well." (Mother)

"Well, sorry for keeping you up Riel." (Nee-chan)

Nee-chan then picks me up and puts me in my crib. They then said goodnight and went to bed."

 'FUUUUUCK THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!!! I EVEN MESSED UP!!! I want to crawl up and die.'