Frankly speaking, this mortal realm is really shitty and boring. I want to go to heavenly realm already.

However, the path to great dao is obscured by many hardships, and sometimes, it’s easy to lose one’s way in face of short term mortal gains and desires.

So have I lost my way. 

For the past two weeks, I put the main quest of this story on hold, and instead focused on earning money through my newly-obtained status of internet celebrity(of sorts).

My patreon income skyrocketed to 15$ and now I can afford luxuries I never thought within my reach before, such as a new batch of Pink Floyd, sent by Grimm through regular post. 

No longer do I have to scavenge in weird locations like a morbid game of augmented reality, now medicinal phylacteries will arrive straight to the front door of my realm.

However, my success in power progression is paired with progressing social reclusion….

Tolya, the evil young master I landed in hospital the other day, still hasn’t woken up and his clan is now out for my blood. The quadman from the other time, and Biker Mice, were mercenaries sent after my head….

Staying in hiding seems like the most reasonable solution….

Suddenly, my screen blips.

Did someone respond to my tinder profile?

(btw here’s the profile. I made it assuming that if I can't find any jade beauties in this middle of nowhere, jade beauties will come to me)

…...

Long Dong 16
Student at Santa’s Anus
Lives in 5th realm
(Generic russian small town)

Jeffrey E. didn’t kill himself!

Looking to build a harem. In order of relevance I seek:

-a yandere gf with ideally pink hair who is total psycho and will dom me and cut me up~!(photo is how she should look like, this is my other gf, Long Dongina-er)

-a shy kuudere who barely talks but has cold and sadistic streak hidden beneath her cold smile

-a rough and rowdy oneesan who will get drunk then beat me up then have rough sex with me, roughly

-a shy trap who just wants to be dominated by a handsome young master like me(must be shorter than me)

-a childhood friend type(I don’t actually have childhood friends so let’s just pretend)

……..

Despite how perfectly written it was, I didn’t get any response until now.
Thus, understandably, I am super excited….

“Hello Long Dong, long time no see. It’s me, Sadie. I’d love to give you the taste of my own medicine. Chat me up at the hospital~”

WTFFFAaaaaaaaa

I put my hands around my head and bash my forehead repeatedly against my keyboard.

Wait, there is more to the message

“Btw, I made screenshots of your profile and will send them to all your friends if you don’t respond within 7 days~ Don’t forget to bring all your money~hugz and kisses~!”

What is this, The Ring? I have 7 days to live!? Whaaaaa