Doran village, start of the first watch, the local tanner and his elder sister, were getting there younger siblings ready to go to sleep.
"Tomorrow will be another day" said 14 year old Kee.
"Siiiiis you said that that yesterday and the day before that too. Life is sooo boooring, its all work in the stinky tannery, getting hit by Jo whenever I take a break, and there's noone to play with" complained 9 year old Yohg.
"Oy stop complaining", said 12 year old Jo, "you could be starving in the streets like most orphans who lost their parents. Instead I feed you, train you in a useful skill, you also have about a quarter of the day as free time. Yes, I hit you when you slack off but I give you breaks every hour, in addition to the free time, food and board. Besides, dad always said that interesting times are a curse. Now listen to your sister, and stop making life hard for her."
Seeing Yohg wanting to continue arguing, Kee quickly said, "-okay If your good then Jo will tell you another of his funny stories".
Jo gave Kee a annoyed look, which she of course ignored. "Yay", said all five younger siblings, who immediately became a bunch of little angels.
"Kee, I'll run out of stories oneday, It's not good to compromise to them like this, they'll grow spoiled.
Oh come on, you won't run out of stories as long as you keep trying to get into Anne's shift".
"What are you talking about", said Jo with a blush hidden by the low light.
"Oh, Anne tells them to me, you know just because you aren't trying to bag me, doesn't mean that I have to hear your stories second hand".
Jo realized he's not winning this one, and decided to quickly start the story.
Middle of the first watch, with the siblings asleep 12 year old jo was still up, doing his most important task, trying to come up with more funny lines, original compliments, teases and stories to woo the village girls. To economize on time, he also practiced jugelling at the same time.
Let's see, how should I tease/greet Anne tomorrow. Maybe, "Anne why are you up so early, were you trying to ambush me?"
His thoughts were interrupted by one year old shary's crying. Thankfully, I thought to give everyone earplugs made from scrap leather so that all the kids don't wake up.
Suddenly, he heard a boom of thunder. Except there's no rain or clouds? Then he saw flashes over the horizon, then louder thunder, then a shining green comet?
Then the voice of (God)? saying, become my beast or die!
He almost listened to (God?) then he thought, I need to take care of my siblings I'm a human. Nonetheless, the impulse to become a beast or die tore at his soul. Even though the voxsinius technique was not aimed at him and all that hit him was the leakage, how could a normal human resist a tier 4 soul technique. As his mind started to waver under the pressure a headache started to mount. At the headaches peak, weird visions started flashing through his head. Tall metal see through building's, roads filled with weird magical carriages, huge metal dragons and much much more.
What finally stopped him from snapping, was the dragons roar of "I will die before being some kind of pet". His Head cleared, only to see a blinding flash and a massive boom.
I can't say much about the story here, since it's just the part right before he got isekai-ed, lol.
Still, I suggest you use a few more dialogue tags. It gets a bit confusing at times.
This is a link given to me by someone who didn't have a great opinion of my story, grammar included. I won't say anything about that conversation, but at the very least the link is good. https://blog.reedsy.com/guide/how-to-write-dialogue/dialogue-rules-punctuation/
I also suggest you break up the paragraphs more. And don't make them all of the same length.
Now that I have finished nagging, thanks for the chapter!
Thanks for the link, I redid both chapter's.
Hello! Congratulations on your new work. It certainly looks very promising! I know that this might be saying a bit too much, but I hope to see your novel Trending one day.
Though, the most important thing is that you enjoy writing it & not feel burnt out.
Cheers for our mate!
Great work! On this one, I saw a few mistakes I mention in the last chapter, but remember to capitalize the start of your conversations and definitely split them up. I personally like the format of a new line every time a new character speaks, it breaks it up so it's easier to read while also helping to identify a different persona speaking.
Keep it up and stay motivated! look into discord servers to connect with people like yourself who want to write and connect with others for support. I have my own server and your welcome to it anytime
where is the next chappie?
No Loli love interests. Don’t mind them as friends or the like.
Man a good novel, Great start.