:: CARON ::

I guess living with the pack is like riding a bicycle, you never really forget. I never expected myself to easily fall back into the rhythm and pattern of pack life. Not that I’m complaining but it somehow came as a shock.

I haven’t seen much of Arrick for the past few days but Devon and Eoin have been glued to my side whenever I’m not with my father.

It was painful, seeing Pa like that after eight years of being away. The Donovan McKinley in my memories was a man full of vigor and laughter. In my eyes, he was bigger than life. Strong. Indestructible. And in the short span of six months, my sister managed to turn him into nothing but a husk of his former self.

I never expected to find Pa in such a deteriorated state. When Eoin told me about what Catriona did, my first concern was for Arrick and Devon. She was a wife and a mother, a luna of a powerful pack. And her actions would create a huge dent, perhaps even an irreparable one. 

But Eoin assured me that Arrick and Devon were coping just fine with Catriona’s absence. Arrick confirmed the fact when he called me to ask if I would consider coming home for my parents’ sake.

When Eoin mentioned that my father is depressed due to my sister’s recent display, I thought perhaps it was a short time deal. I mistakenly believed Pa would over it after a few weeks. I wasn’t prepared for the damage that I saw and immediately understood why Arrick thought it best to call me back to the pack. Somehow, I feel ashamed for not coming home sooner.

Catriona has always been our father’s favorite. Pa catered to her every whim and fancy, made sure she had everything she could ever want and more. I was never jealous of her, why would I? She’s my sister. But sometimes I think that Pa shouldn’t spoil her too much. It wasn’t healthy. 

But we had this unspoken agreement in my family. Catriona is the princess and she gets what she wants when she wants it. Truthfully, we were wrong for giving her too much freedom and for pampering her to the point that she started to believe everything given and done for her is to be expected. That the best should be hers and it’s nothing less than her due. Catriona grew selfish because of our indulgence. But by the time we tried to curb her bad habits, it was too late.

I should have known her latest antic would hurt our father, badly, if it doesn’t destroy him first. I should have been here to do damage control earlier. But like my twin sister, perhaps I, too, have a penchant for selfish and unthinking behavior.

I should have considered my family more. I shouldn’t have allowed Ma to deal with the situation alone for so long. I should have been there for Pa the moment they realized Catriona would never come back to the pack and to our family.

But enough of what I should have and shouldn’t have done. Today, I made a huge progress. I managed to coax my father to go out of the room and take a walk in the woods with me. So far, Pa has been reacting favorably to my presence since I came back. But this is the first time he consented going out of the pack house.

My mother stayed behind to give us some time alone. She watched with tearful eyes, full of hope, as we entered the forest. I know she misses him. A lot. I fervently hope I can bring him back before she decides to join him in depression.

Pa and I walked on the path we used to take when I was a pup. This was one of the luxuries Pa afforded me, back in the days when he was still active with pack duties. 

Pa was the former beta and was swamped with pack duties everyday. Finding spare time was hard but Pa was never too busy to take me out for long walks and when I learned how to phase, a run through the forest was something we enjoyed together.

Pa was struggling due to inactivity for such a long time. I allowed him a wide berth and tried not to assist him too much. I wanted him to remember how it felt like, being in the woods. It was one of the passions we shared. The outdoors, hunting and running on all fours. I want Pa to sense it again, the freedom and peace, being one with nature and the earth. I want him to crave it, to long for it, more than he craved and longed for my sister to come back. 

In short, I want my father to start living again.

“I’m sorry…” Pa suddenly said and I froze at the croaked and fragile sound of his voice. It was the first words he’d spoken to me since I came back, the first ever in months since Catriona left! “I was weak willed and I…”

I rushed to his side and wrapped my arms tightly around him.

“Don’t…” I choked out. My whole body is shaking from the force of my emotions. “It was her choice, Pa, not yours. Stop punishing yourself. Ma needs you. I need you!”

“I never told you… how proud I am to have you as my son.” Pa said, wrapping his arms around me. “You’ve always been strong, Caron. Stubborn to a fault but you’ve always known your way. You never needed anyone to steer you on the right path. And for people like us, who live and breathe on rules and guidance from a leader, that’s a huge accomplishment.”

“It’s because you taught me well, Pa.” I said as he grabbed the back of my neck and touched our foreheads together. “You taught me how to find my own way.”

The short talk left me emotionally drained but curiously lightweight and incredibly happy. I always thought I was my father’s greatest disappointment. I am his only son. I was supposed to follow his footsteps. It was expected of me. 

But instead of doing what was expected, I chose to live a life away from everything my father considered precious. It was like a slap on his face. But Pa understood my need to go even if he did not understand my reasons for leaving. Pa told me to do what I must and come back to the pack when I’m good and ready.

I remember when I told them I was gay. I was so afraid he’d hit me or worse disown me. I felt his wolf surface and for a second, I was terrified I was going to get killed.

But it wasn’t the fact that I was gay that angered him. It was that I kept it a secret for so long. That I decided to tread on such a hard road alone and never gave him and Ma a chance to help me figure it all out.

When we arrived back at the pack house Ma was waiting for us on the same spot where we left her earlier. She cried hysterically when Pa started talking to her. And I watched with tears in my own eyes thinking my family is finally getting back on the right track. We’re still crippled but we’re on our way to recovery.

I was sitting by the training grounds, watching the pups play, when I felt the familiar flicker of awareness near me. It was too late to run and hide so I steeled myself for what was to come. What else could I do except to grit my teeth and bear it?

“I heard about Donovan,” Arrick started as he sat next to me. He was too close if you ask me. From where I sat, all I needed to do was turn my head, lean forward a little bit and I’d be able to lick him. “I’m happy for you and your mother. Now I’m sure I made the right decision in calling you back.”

Arrick flashed one of those rare smiles that he has. The one that reaches his eyes and transforms his handsome face, making it look younger and less severe. The kind of smile you’d want to coax out of him, over and over, because it’s such an addicting sight to see.

Does this man have no defenses at all? Did he forget that I like men? Not that I pounce on every guy that comes near me but I might not be able to hold myself back if Arrick keeps smiling at me like that. 

I started to think, am I that good at hiding my feelings for him or he’s just oblivious? Either way I think Arrick should be more guarded around me. Setting aside my hidden feelings for him, doesn’t he feel uncomfortable in my presence? I mean, I am his ex’s twin brother after all. Catriona and I may not look identical but in some respects we’re the same, like our scents. Doesn’t my presence rattle him at all?

I wonder if it’d look weird if I stand up or move slightly away to create a gap between us. It couldn’t be worse than me leaning on his shoulder and licking the shell of his ear, I suppose.

I wonder what Arrick would do if I actually did something unexpected like that. I’d probably get murdered on the spot, if not crippled. But then again, getting killed by Arrick would be a wonderful way to go.

Gads! I'm so screwed up.

I shook my head and chuckled at the train of my insane thoughts.

“What’s so funny?” Arrick asked, looking at me intently. He was so close I could see my reflection on his steel blue eyes.

“Nothing,” I lied, turning my head away furiously thinking of an excuse to get up and leave.

Arrick’s scent is weaving through my senses. At this close range it’s going to either kill me or give me a hard on. The first statement is an impossibility, of course, but I don’t want to push my luck and endure the second.

“I was thinking Devon is growing really fast.” I added to the increasing pile of lies and whatnot that I often use to divert his attention.

“He is.” Arrick answered, looking towards the field where Devon is currently running around with the other pups from the pack. “He’s growing too fast, sometimes I can’t help but worry.”

I was going to stand up and pretend to stretch to put some much needed distance between us but the sad note laced on his voice made me pause. I turned my head slightly to regard his solemn features but I couldn’t read much from his expression.

“Devon is a good kid.” I said slowly, trying to gauge his feelings.

“I know,” he sighed. “I just wonder if Devon understands that his mother left and she’s never coming back.”

Honestly, I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t have the right words and even if I do, I don't think it’d sound good or convincing coming from me.

I think Devon understands that Catriona left. But he’s still harboring a faint hope that she’d come back for him. Devon doesn’t fully understand the extent of Catriona’s actions and regardless of what she did, Catriona is still Devon’s mother. The child misses her. Anyone with a pair of eyes could clearly see that.

“He’s coping. Give it more time.” I said. “It’s too soon to expect Devon to fully let go.”

“I don't want him to keep hurting. Every time she doesn’t turn up when he expects her to, it disappoints him. It breaks my heart to see him like that and I resent her more for it.” Arrick explained. “Devon has been hounding you since you came back because you smell just like her and...”

“You mean he didn't really want to hang out with me?” I exclaimed, faking my anger..

“Shit! Sorry,” Arrick flushed at my sudden outburst. “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

I laughed and nudged his shoulder with mine. “I know.”

We grew quiet for some time and I decided to just fuck it and ask, a first for me.

“How about you?” I started trying not to fidget under his steady gaze.

“What about me?” Arrick asked, a bit confused.

“Does my presence bother you? Catriona and I, we’re twins. My scent and hers often confuse people. And there’s the issue about my, you know…” I let the sentence hang because I’d just blabber like an idiot if I kept on talking.

When Ma suddenly asked me about having a boyfriend I was terrified at how Arrick would react after hearing it. I didn't realize he already know I was gay. What he said then was like beautiful but I wasn’t sure if he really meant it or he just said those words to be polite because we were in front of my mother.

Arrick’s response to the question is important to me, more than he’d ever know and more than I could ever show or tell him. I wanted to hear him say it again, to confirm what he said in front of my mother. But I should have known I’d be gravely disappointed.

“Catrin informed me you’re asking how to reach Catriona,” he said instead of answering my question. “Why?”

I looked at him, a second longer than I had to, before turning my head away. “I want to talk to her.” I answered honestly.

“Why?” He pressed.

I breathed in deeply before looking back at him. “Because I want to understand. I want to know, exactly, why she did it. I can’t accept that my sister could be so selfish and irresponsible. That she’d risk the safety of two packs just to gain attention. But more than that, I want to make sure she’s safe and know if she’s doing alright.”

“So like Devon, you haven’t given up on her.” Arrick sounded betrayed and I hate the way he’s currently looking at me.

“It’s not about giving up on her, Arrick,” I explained patiently. “Catriona has many flaws and what she did is unforgivable. I hate that she hurt our parents and she put the pack at risk. I hate that she abandoned Devon without thought and I hate that she caused you pain. But she’s my sister, Arrick. If it’d been Eoin, would you just let him go?”

I know it was unfair to ask him that question but I want him to understand. Regardless of what she did or what kind of havoc she wreaked, Catriona is still part of my family and she always will be.

“I’m sorry…” I said too much and Arrick doesn't deserve that, not from me and not from anyone.

Arrick took the full brunt of this situation by himself. It’s natural for him to be angry and upset, to expect certain things from those around him. He’s not asking for sympathy or empathy, he wants plain and simple understanding. Arrick cannot forgive Catriona, not for now, and any thought or mention of her is hurtful to him. 

This reminds me that I still haven’t asked him how he really feels about what Catriona did. All I have are nothing but assumptions based on what I observed from his behavior and what others told me. I know this isn’t the right time to ask, not under these circumstances. But perhaps when Arrick is ready I wouldn’t have to ask him, he would tell me himself.

I am sorry that I have to do this to him. That I have to reach out to the person who almost ruined everything he loved, who broke apart his family and left him to stand on unstable ground. 

I am sorry that I have to reconnect with the person who made him doubt himself. But if I don’t at least try to reach out and reason with Catriona then I wouldn’t be myself. And I don’t want to be uncaring and irresponsible. I don’t want to be crass and unthinking. I don’t want to be like her.

“No, you’re right.” Arrick said standing up. His face is more guarded and masked than usual. “You don’t have to apologize. Not to me.”

I don’t like this. Arrick is building a wall between us, just like he did with everyone else. He’s trying to draw the line and he’s looking at me, practically daring me to cross it. 

But I don’t think I’m equipped to deal with what I’d find on the other side if I do dare. So for now, I’d let him have his way. I’d back off. Retreating and regrouping is better than fighting blind.

“I felt betrayed…” Arrick said out of nowhere. His face still half turned from mine.

“What?” 

“When I found out you were gay, I felt betrayed because you never said anything. You never gave any indication that you were going through something so complicated and you were doing it alone. I thought we were friends, Caron. I thought you had enough trust in me to ask for my help. I believed you knew that I wouldn’t look or treat you differently because of a simple issue like your sexuality.”

“Arrick, I…” I stood up to face him and explain. But what could I say? More lies? I can’t tell him the truth, can I?

“It’s alright, I understand. You need to do what you have to, but so do I.” Arrick turned to me then and the hard, cold look on his face was in complete contrast with the vulnerability I glimpsed in his eyes. “You’re a good man, Caron. But you think about others too much and less of yourself. It makes those around you feel nervous. You give too much but ask nothing in return and that’s unfair.”

“It was never a trade,” I answered. “Not for me.”

The simple talk became too complicated and got out of hand with just a few exchanged words. After this, nothing between us would ever be the same. I almost regret treading this path. It’s unknown and uncommon to me. I’m sure by the end of it I’d end up in a worse position than where I started from.

“Then perhaps it should be.” Arrick replied, looking straight at me. His barriers and defenses are perfectly erect and ready. “You know, Caron, even if I try I wouldn’t be able to confuse you with Catriona. It’s not possible.”

I don’t know what to make of that statement but I didn’t have time to dwell too much on it because Arrick’s next words left me cold.

“You give too much. Being around you is too comfortable and too easy. That bothers me.” He said. “I think from now on, it’s best if we limit our interaction with one another.”

I could feel the painful burn in the back of my eyes and the tightness on my throat and chest. Arrick is rejecting me and he doesn’t even know it.

I clenched my jaws tight to keep myself from talking back. I nodded my assent and watched him turn and walk away, holding back the tears until he was fully out of sight.

Arrick made his feelings clear. Now I really have no choice. I have to cut off my feelings for him and move on.