:: ARRICK ::

Devon’s visit to the infirmary was very emotional. I’ve never seen my son act like that with anyone before, not even with me or his mother.

Caron did his best to cover up his injuries. He even wore a turtleneck shirt to hide the bandages on his neck. He sat on a chair by the window instead of staying in bed, like he was supposed to, so he’d look more normal in front of my son.

But the second Devon walked in the room he burst into tears and raced to where Caron sat. He ran the short distance that separated them and for a second I was afraid he’d hurl himself at Caron and worsen his condition. Caron steeled himself for it. He even opened his arms to accommodate my son. But Devon surprised us both. He skidded to a halt, a step shy, away from Caron’s chair. Then slowly handed him what was left of the bouquet of wildflowers we picked on our way here.

“I hope you feel better soon, Uncle Caron.” Devon whispered in a trembling voice. Though he’s been whining and bugging me to see Caron for days, now he refuses to even look at his face.

Caron looked up at me with questioning eyes and I just shook my head at him. Like him, I don’t understand what was going through Devon’s head at the moment. I could see  that he’s wound tight and looked like he’s going to burst at any moment.

I was starting to doubt my decision to take him to see Caron, while Caron is still recovering. But as always, Caron seemed to realize what was going on before I did. He knew what had to be done and he did it.

“Are you scared of how I look, Dev?” Caron asked in a gentle but teasing voice. Devon gasped and looked straight at Caron, eyes wide and tearful. He frantically shook his head from side to side. “Then why are you standing all the way there when I’m right here? I miss you a lot, you know.”

I guess that did it for my son because he lunged in the air and dropped unceremoniously over Caron’s lap, with his arms flung and wound tight around his neck. Caron grunted from the impact and paled from the sudden assault. But when I moved to take Devon from him, he just raised a hand and slightly shook his head.

“I’m sorry, Dev.” Caron whispered as he ran his hands up and down my son’s back in a comforting gesture. Devon was bawling his eyes out and was clinging to him for dear life. “I’m sorry I made you worry.”

Devon murmured something unintelligible. I couldn’t catch most of what he was saying because he was talking in between loud sobs. All I managed to understand were the words hurt, sorry, hurry and home.

Caron listened patiently as my son poured his little heart out. He waited until Devon calmed down before shifting him in his arms. He nestled him protectively in his embrace. Breathing in relief as he was now free and safe from being choked to death.

The two talked and teased each other for a while. But the intense crying wore out Devon and he fell asleep in no time.

“Let me take him.” I said, moving to take Devon but Caron just shook his head.

“Just a bit longer.” He answered, still staring at my son’s sleeping face.

Caron looked comfortable and content holding Devon. My heart did a little backflip at the sight of the two of them nestled together. Curiously, the image they created looked and felt right.

“You need to rest, Caron.” I reminded him. I could smell the scent of fresh blood seeping out of his wound and beads of sweat were already forming on his temples. “I think Devon reopened your wound.”

“Doesn’t matter,” he answered, brushing Devon’s hair away from his face. “At least he’s calm now.”

I just bit my tongue at his stubbornness. This is exactly what I was telling him before. He’s too kind and it makes the people around him worry. Caron thinks more about others than himself and truthfully, it makes me nervous. 

But at the moment he looked too happy. I decided not to say anything and allowed him to do what he wanted. I waited until Caron was past his limit before I called the pack doctor to help him back to bed as I took Devon in my arms.

“Thank you,” he breathed out tiredly as the doctor fussed over his reopened wound.

I stared at him for a long moment before nodding in acknowledgment and silently taking my leave.

Everything between us is becoming more complicated. We’d have to talk about it soon but I think Caron is not fit for any type of serious conversation right now. I’d feel like a brute if I delve into things when he’s barely healed. But if we don’t talk I feel like I’d be missing out on something very important.

I decided to bite the bullet a few hours later and went to the infirmary before I could talk myself out of it. I was surprised to find Caron awake and sitting on bed, apparently waiting for me.

“I knew you’d come back,” he shrugged as I moved to my usual spot. “We have some unfinished business to discuss after all.”

I nodded as I sat down. I looked around the room wondering where or should I even start the conversation about this ‘unfinished business’ between us. It’s almost annoying how Caron seems so calm and collected when he refers to this whole ‘unfinished business’. Everything inside me is so freaked out and messed up from the mere thought of it. It’s unfair!

I was gritting my teeth, from suppressed irritation and mixed emotions, when I spied Caron’s right hand clutching the edge of the blanket covering his lower body while his left hand was slightly shaking over it. And like magic, my emotions settled. Knowing I wasn’t the only one who’s affected and distressed by this situation calmed me.

“I knew…” I started when it appeared like Caron was at a loss on what to say or do. It’s not very considerate of me to just go ahead and jump the gun like that. But there’s no easy way to open this type of conversation. If we don’t talk about this now, we’d end up skirting around the issue until it becomes harder to discuss. And honestly, the last thing I want is for things to get awkward between us.

Caron blushed and asked, “Since when?”

Good question.

Caron has always been hard to figure out. I started to notice that he has this weird quirk whenever I’m around. It’s like he becomes more stoic and restrained. Detached. He’s naturally withdrawn but he becomes even more so around me.

The first time I noticed his behavior was a few months after I started dating Catriona. In the beginning I thought Caron probably doesn’t approve of me dating his twin sister, that maybe he believes I was taking advantage of her. 

But I slowly realized it wasn’t that. In fact, he’s fine with the way things stand as long as it makes Catriona happy. As time passed by I started to notice other hints as well. Slight indications that led me to conclude that maybe Caron’s feelings were more complicated than what they appear. Then I realized I was paying more attention to Caron. As soon as I caught a whiff of the complication, I decided to stop thinking about it simply because I wouldn't know how to deal with it, if it was, in fact, true.

To be honest, I took an interest in Caron from the beginning. It amused me how he and Catriona were complete opposites of each other. It was fun to discover glimpses of his true self, how smart and how much fun he is to be with if he allows himself to let go.

It didn't escape my notice that he’s popular and well liked by others. But Caron treats everyone the same way. He doesn’t show any form of partiality to anyone, except for Catoriona. At one point, I was hurt when I discovered he only acts differently when he’s around me. When I realized what his behavior meant, I was confused but decided it was better to just let it go.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?” I fired back. I’m shameless, I know. But I want to know when it all started for him. If my guess is correct then Caron had been keeping this secret for years.

“I don’t really know when it started,” he confessed. “Before I knew it I was already in love with you and I was too far gone to shift my feelings or to think of anything or anyone else.”

I was right, it’s been years.

I clenched my jaw to keep myself from responding. I didn't want to open my mouth until I’m sure I could filter my words. I don't want to say anything that would hurt or offend him.

“Why didn't you say anything?” I continued after I was sure I was in control of the beast trying to break free from inside of me.

“How could I? Setting aside the fact that you were dating my sister at the time, we’re both males.” He explained. “You were going to be alpha, Arrick, and I…”

Wait a goddamn minute! 

I held up a hand to stop Caron from talking as realization struck me, a full blow on the face. “Is this the reason why you declined to be considered for pack beta?” I asked, barely controlling the rage boiling inside me. “The reason why you were so obsessed with moving out and going off on your own?”

Maybe a part of me knew but another part of me wanted Caron to deny it. I wanted him to tell me I was wrong and I should be ashamed for even thinking about it. That his feelings for me weren't the reason why he stayed away from his family, his friends and from his pack for many years.

But when Caron did not deny or admit to it, I got my answer. And it fucking hurts!

“Goddamnit Caron!” I snapped. I stood up and started pacing. I was so angry I wanted to hurl something at the wall. “You hurt your family and your friends just to run away from me?” I can’t believe he did something so irresponsible!

“It wasn’t like that!” Caron answered, looking straight at me.

“Then tell me how the fuck it was because clearly I must be missing something!”

I’m furious. No, scratch that I’m beyond furious. I know I have no right to be mad at him but I am. How could he have done this? And for what?

“I was tired...” Caron said, turning his head the other way and briefly closing his eyes. He looked like he was admitting defeat in more than one way. I stopped to look at him, really look at him and what I saw enraged me even more. “I’ve been loving you for years. I was tired and I was hurt. I wanted to get away.”

I understand that seeing me with Catriona must have hurt him to no end. I can't even begin to imagine how Caron must have felt during those years. But still, to leave without saying a word about it? I don’t understand…

“I wanted to forget...” He sighed tiredly, still refusing to look back at me.

Forget. The word buzzed in my ears like an annoying insect and it touched a very sensitive nerve. A nerve I wasn’t even aware I had until it got nicked! And all I wanted to do, after hearing the damned word, was lash out.

“How did that work out for you, Caron?” I sneered, my eyes narrowing at him. I’m done holding back and cutting down words. I’m done playing nice. Let’s go all out. Fuck it!

“Don’t be mean, Arrick.” He answered through clenched teeth, his eyes clouded with unshed tears. “I felt trapped so I ran away. I’m sorry. I didn't know what else to do!”

If sorry could change the last few years I would easily accept it. If saying he was wrong could ease the tightness in my chest I would let this whole thing slide without making a huge fuss. But it doesn’t. Hearing Caron say he’s wrong and that he was sorry only made matters worse, in my opinion.

“You could have stayed!” I growled angrily. “You could have told me the truth, face the situation like you’re supposed to instead of packing your shit and leaving everyone in the dust wondering what the fuck happened!”

“And then what?” Caron snarled back. The tears he’s been holding back were now streaming down his pale cheeks “If I told you about my feelings back then what would have happened?”

Honestly, I don't know. Caron never gave himself, or me, the chance to find out. Asking and thinking about what could have happened is utterly pointless. But not acknowledging the facts would be a waste too.

“Not everyone can be confident and brave, Arrick.” He continued stubbornly. “Some of us are just born cowards…”

I understand. Caron had his reasons. I admit, they were valid ones. But right now, everything that’s coming out of his mouth sounds like nothing but lame excuses to me.

Still, I have no right to castigate him. If anything, I’m more cowardly than he is. I’ve noticed his feelings but I never had the guts call him out on it. I pretended to be blind to it because I was afraid, of what I don’t fucking know. All Caron did was hide the truth so he could protect himself. I can’t really fault him for that.

“Does anyone else know?” I asked after a long and awkward pause. 

Caron stared at me for a moment. He looked like he was debating whether he should tell me the truth or not. In the end he sighed and looked down on his clenched fists. “I think Delaney does.” He confessed.

“How?” I asked. I’m pretty sure I wouldn't like this story but I need to know. I have to know!

“I drove back to Sandalius to attend your mating ritual with Catriona. But I couldn't go further than the border so I got wasted on the nearest bar. I don’t know how Delaney found me. We talked for a bit then he and I… we…”

My mind went numb and blank at that point. The buzzing in my ear got louder until I could hardly make out a thing. Why is it that when something seriously fucked up happens my errant cousin is always involved?

“Were you in a relationship with Delaney?” I asked tightly.

“NO! Never.” Caron answered without hesitation. “It was one time. I never…”

I believe him but I couldn’t suppress the monster in my chest from sneering. How could he sleep with another man when he was supposed to be in love with me? Was he thinking about me when he was doing it with him? Or was he using him to forget about me? 

Again, who the fuck am I to judge? I was partly oblivious to this shit and I was mated to his fucking sister at the time. But that doesn't take away the painful sting of the truth.

“Do you make a habit of having one night stands whenever you get drunk, Caron?” I spat viciously.

It was a low blow but I couldn't control myself. Yes, I could be a bastard when I want to. Right now, I feel  like it’s a damned good time to be an asshole. It’s either that or be a pathetic loser in front of him.

“I’m not going to apologize for what happened. I don't expect you to understand.” Caron said and I just stared sightlessly at him. “I didn’t want it but it happened. I can’t undo it. I left and I realize, now, that it was a mistake to leave without saying anything. And for that, I am terribly sorry. I want us to remain friends, Arrick.”

Friends... Were we ever that? It seems like everything between us, from the beginning until now, was nothing but deceit and lies. It was one cover up after another. He made mistakes but I’m not totally blameless either.

Now that I know the truth I feel suffocated from the knowledge. It hasn't been an hour since we started this conversation and my heart hurts like hell! Caron has been living with these feelings for years. Maybe he’d done the right thing when he decided to run away. I feel the need to run away too, right now!

I have no right to be disappointed but fuck it, I am. Why did he choose Delaney? Of all people, why my cousin? How many men were there before and after? Is there anyone now? How do I fucking ask this without looking like a complete imbecile?

I violently shook my head to clear the nasty thoughts from my mind and purposely turned away. I can’t look at him right now.

“Arrick…” Caron sounded desperate when he called out to me as I reached for the door. 

But I’m desperate too. Where does that leave us?

“I need some time.” I answered, not bothering to turn around and look at him. “To get my head around this.”

There was a long pause before Caron answered, “I understand.”

I turned the knob and walked out of the room, closing the door with a definite click behind me. I rested my back on the panel and ran a shaking hand through my hair.

“I don’t think you do,” I whispered to myself before walking away. Away from the closed door and away from the oblivious man on the other side of it.

I seriously think Caron doesn’t understand anything. Not a goddamned thing…