:: CARON ::

It’s been a few weeks since I arrived at Nightshade pack. When Briana suggested that I go back with them I wasn’t thinking much when I agreed. But contrary to what I feared, everyone has been very nice and staying with them felt like being back with the pack at Sandalius.

Nightshade pack is relatively smaller than Sandalius pack but Colum, Briana’s brother, is just like Arrick when it comes to caring for his pack. I think alphas share the same kind of dedication to their packs no matter how big or small. But since the pack members are fewer in number here, the community of Nightshade is more closely knit and appears more intimate than in Sandalius. In the few days that I’ve been with them it feels like everyone knows everything about everyone.

It's quite daunting, how everyone knew who I was without a proper introduction whatsoever. I realized, as someone from another pack, I’d stand out like a sore thumb. But Briana told me they’ve absorbed new members from an old pack so I should have been fine and anonymous for a few days. We arrived at the pack house during the night with the beta, Cayden, and a few warriors being privy to our arrival.

Imagine my surprise when one after another pack members of Nightshade greeted me by name at breakfast the next day. They even asked me if I was up for a joint run late in the afternoon. Briana encouraged me to spend time with the other members, to mingle and get to know them better, which I didn’t mind doing since they’re a very friendly lot.

Still, I was careful not to offend anyone. I tried very hard not to hound Briana everywhere she goes. But we did spend a lot of time together because she always happened to pop out on me out of nowhere. 

From all the time we spent together, talking, we got to know each other better. In truth, we became much closer. If we decide to move forward with the mating ritual, there is no doubt we’d be happy and satisfied with each other. 

But despite that, something between us just doesn't feel right. Briana doesn’t seem to feel it but I do. And it’s holding me back from claiming her.

Aside from my deep-rooted feelings for Arrick, there’s Cayden, Briana’s pledged mate, to consider as well. During the time I’ve been in Nightshade, I got to know him better as well. I learned that he’s the former beta’s son, just like me. Surprisingly,  Cayden also has a sister, Amanda. A little spitfire who talks a mile a minute and cooks a mean chili con carne. Amanda is mated to one of the pack warriors of Nightshade and they have a little boy around Devon’s age named Micah.

Micah, unlike Devon, is very shy around strangers and rarely interacts with pups his age. It took me three full days before I got him to relax around me. He has this cute hero worship thing going on for Cayden and it’s beautiful to see how he transforms whenever his uncle is around.

My heart clenched a little at the thought of Devon. Before I left he was at his grandparent’s house and before that he was behaving distant with me. I wonder if Devon ever looked at me the same way Micah looks at Cayden and if he’d ever go back to the cheerful Devon who adored and loved me without reservations.

Aside from playing with the pups, helping around the pack house and running with the males of the pack, my days at Nightshade were pretty much full. I’ve had no free time to mope or be depressed about Arrick because I was constantly on the move. 

But at night that’s when it gets me.

I still can’t forget what Arrick said. He swore he never loved Catriona, at least not in the way I do towards him. But because of what she did, Catriona damaged Arrick’s self-confidence and bearing. It’s not to the extent that it crippled him. But Catriona successfully wounded him. And this wound left Arrick vulnerable to doubts and anxiety that in turn makes him feel exposed.

I should have prepared myself for it. Catriona and I are siblings. We’ve been compared and likened to each other all our lives. What does it matter if Arrick said those things to purposely hurt me when I know he didn't really mean it? But does he really not mean it?

Arrick lied to me. I’m not going to sell myself short and say that’s alright. When I told him that nothing would change between us, when I said I chose him, Arrick told me he believed in me but he didn’t. And this got me thinking, what else is he lying about?

I guess that’s what hurt me most. Arrick could have told me what was on his mind. He could have told me my words weren’t enough proof. I was ready to face anything, to defy fate and fight against the world if it meant we’d be together. 

But I wasn’t prepared or equipped to go against him. I thought Arrick was with me. I believed that we would weather this storm together. But in the end, I was left to decide and deal with this on my own. Where I go from here depends solely on myself.

“Cayden, do you have a moment?” He and Colum were sitting and chatting with some warriors of the pack and I just got back from my usual afternoon walk with Briana.

Cayden stared at me for a second before standing and excusing himself to the others. Colum looked questioningly at me but I just gave him a half-smile to silently tell him not to worry.

“What’s this about?” Cayden asked once we entered the seclusion and privacy of the woods.

“Can we walk and go a bit further? I want to discuss a very important matter with you and I don't want anyone chancing upon us in the middle of it.” I answered.

Cayden is not stupid. He knows what we’re about to discuss has something to do with Briana. I could feel his sudden unease and tension but he nodded his assent and we proceeded to walk further into the woods and into a clearing a bit far from the view of the pack house.

“Do you love Briana?” I asked as I turned to face him.

Perhaps only a blind or a stupid man would not be able to sense what Cayden feels for Briana. There’s no use for me to ask since I’m neither blind nor stupid. But I have to hear him say it. I don't know why it’s important to me but I have to hear Cayden declare his feelings for Briana out loud.

“Yes, I love Briana.” Cayden didn't even think about it and he didn't falter either.

Something painful lanced through my heart after hearing him utter those words but at the same time I feel like a burden was lifted off my shoulder.

“I love her too,” I confessed. “Very much.”

“I know but I’m not giving up!” Cayden grounded out aggressively. “As long as I know a part of Briana loves me I would not concede defeat, not to you or to anyone else.”

I smiled in response to that bold statement, still feeling a bit pained. I was hoping to hear something like that, not from Cayden but from Arrick, and was sorely disappointed. 

Maybe I was wrong to pin my hopes too high but I believed that if he loved me enough Arrick would at least try, for my sake. I wasn’t expecting grand gestures or elaborate declarations but Arrick didn't even put up a fight, not even a little struggle. Arrick simply gave up.

“I don't expect you to give her up, Cayden, and I would not ask you to either.” I said hoping I could get my message across without bloodshed. Cayden is the hot-tempered sort so I have to measure and be careful with my words. “On the contrary, I want you to keep loving Briana, probably more now and a bit more in the future.”

“What do you mean?”

“The full moon is coming. I don’t think I need to tell you about what happens to true mates during the full moon. I’m sure you were with Briana last time.” Cayden stared wide-eyed at me and I just stared back at him, silently praying my face wouldn’t collide with his fist. “I could already feel the moon’s sway, Cayden, and it’s getting stronger. Briana could feel it too.”

“If you touch her I swear I’ll…” He snarled, advancing towards me but I held my ground.

“You’d what?” I asked, inclining my head to one side eyeing him carefully. I hope we won't come to blows but I’m not stupid to just stand here and wait for him to hit me. If Cayden throws the first punch I'd have no choice but to retaliate. It’s a man’s pride after all. “By our laws, even if we’re not fully mated, Briana is already mine. I could do with her what I will and not you or her brother or your whole pack could do anything about it.”

I know these words are antagonizing to him. It’s not good but I have to do this, there’s no other way. My words are ambiguous at most. I did not do anything naughty with Briana nor will I ever do anything like that with her. But Cayden doesn't need to know that, does he? At least not yet…

“You fucking bastard!” He growled clenching his fists and from the vicious look on his face, I think he’s ready to commit  murder if I give him the chance.

“Yes, I am a bastard. Only a bastard would fall in love with his twin sister’s boyfriend and would continue to love him even after they’ve fully mated and have a son.” I said, smiling self-deprecatingly. “But this is not about me. It’s about Briana. I told you I love her and I’m not lying. Frankly, we could fully mate now and I’m confident that we could be happy together. You see, that’s what a true mating bond does. It gives you a sense of intense satisfaction and creates a bond that’s virtually irreplaceable by another. Briana would always love me and I would always love her. Can you live with that Cayden? Can you accept that?”

“I don't care about your fucking mating bond! I love Briana and as long as she loves me, I don't care about anything else!”

“Good! If I ask you to mate with her before the coming full moon, would you do it?” I asked seriously.

This seemed to take him off guard because Cayden took an unconscious step back and looked like I struck him.

Cayden stared at me in horror before choking out, “What did you say?”

“I said if I asked you to…”

“I heard what you fucking said! Tell me why?” He snapped grabbing the front of my shirt. “Are you messing with me? Are you messing with Briana’s feelings?”

I laughed humorlessly, pried his fingers off my shirt and shook my head. 

“No, I wouldn’t joke about something like this. I asked Briana what she wanted. She’s torn between you and me. She was honest when she told me she could be happy with either of us.” I explained calmly. “The three of us, we could continue as we are now and it’ll work itself out. But as I told you, the full moon is coming and the pull between Briana and I is getting stronger. I don't want to do anything that would hurt anyone. Now answer my question, would you fully mate with Briana?”

Cayden cursed under his breath and shook his head like he’s trying to clear his thoughts. He really shouldn't overthink this. I could see it in his eyes. He’s trying to see if there’s a trick to this that he’s not seeing. But there isn’t. I want this situation between the three of us resolved.

“Yes, I would. If you step aside, I will fully mate with Briana without a second thought.” Cayden said, looking straight at me. “Now it’s time for you to answer my question. I thought you loved Briana and considered her as yours. If so, why are you doing this?”

“Because I’m in love with someone else.” I answered honestly. “What I feel for Briana and what I feel for Arrick Colson is the same as what she feels for me and you. Unlike me, Briana can’t separate the two.”

“And you can?” He snorted, sounding skeptical.

“Yes, I can. I love Briana. She’s the other half of me, a part of myself that would always be enchanted and magical. What I feel for her is a bond, a certain familiarity that flowers into love. A pure, untainted kind of love. It can never be touched or ruined by anyone or anything. That’s just how it is.” I explained. “But I’ve loved Arrick for almost half my life. I crave him, my whole being calls for him and only him. I may desire Briana’s body but I would never want to possess her in the same way I want to possess Arrick. It's just not the same. And no matter how much I love Briana, what I want in this life is what I have with Arrick. Do you understand?”

Cayden was quiet for a moment before he nodded. “Yes, I think I do.” He answered. “Still, you said you’re confident you could make each other happy so why give up on Briana? Forgive me for overstepping but I heard about what happened with Arrick Colson. He gave you up without much of a struggle, didn’t he? Why risk losing a certain chance at happiness for something that would most certainly yield nothing and could possibly hurt you?”

“Because I love him. I don’t care about anything and that includes Arrick’s nonexistent feelings for me. I chose Arrick and for me it would always be him. It can’t be anyone but him. I don’t care about pain or any other bullshit. Whatever Arrick deigns to give me is fine with me. Whether we’re together in the end or not doesn’t matter, not to me. I only want the freedom to love him.”

The talk went on better as I planned. Cayden was still suspicious but he’d realize soon enough that I’m dead serious about him fully mating with Briana.

When Cayden and I walked back to the pack house Briana was outside, anxiously waiting. She hurried forward at the sight of me but stopped when she saw Cayden. I could sense the confusion in her eyes. 

Briana is deathly afraid of hurting either of us and I love her more for it. But it’s time for this unbalanced relationship to stop. It would get harder for the three of us if we continue like this. I’ve had a couple of glorious days to rest and think. It’s time to go back to reality. I think, of the three of us, I’m the only one who's not afraid to lose.

“Go to him.” I whispered in Briana's ear as I passed by her side. “I’ll go and talk to your brother.”

I’m glad she didn't pretend to misunderstand. Briana still looked torn and in pain but I could see she’s also somewhat relieved.

“Caron, thank you…” Briana whispered as she lightly brushed the back of my hand with her fingers.

I smiled at the simple but intimate gesture. Now I’m certain I’m doing the right thing.

“Go, Briana.” I whispered. “Everything will be alright, trust me.”

I walked away, each step heavier than the next and from the pain in lancing my heart I know she’s already in his arms. I traced my way to Colum’s office and told him what the three of us had decided. He was worried, at first, but after I told him what I told Cayden in the woods, he understood.

“You’re a strong and honorable man, Caron McKinley. My sister is very lucky to have found you. Thank you for thinking of her happiness and for doing this for her.” Colum said.

“It was never a choice for me.” I answered honestly. “Cayden would make her happy in ways that I’d never be able to.”

It’s true. Although I love Briana and her happiness would always come first, there would be things that I would never be able to give her. Things that she would crave and only Cayden would be able to provide. 

Our complicated situation doesn’t end here. Unless both of us are fully mated, Briana and I would still feel the bond between us. It would slowly break once she’s mated but I would continue to seek her out and when I do she would respond to me. I’d have to put some distance between us after all this is done.

“It will be hard on Briana for the next weeks so please bear with her until she’s back to her old self. I’d stay for the mating ceremony, I feel like I'd need to witness her fully mating with someone else so the wolf inside me would stop needing hers. But after that I’m afraid I won’t be able to come back here again.”

Colum nodded and looked anxiously at me. “You know it would hurt, right? The rejection, I mean. I heard of a wolf who’d been rejected by his true mate. I won’t tell you the particulars but I don’t want anything like that to happen to you. I don’t think anyone should purposely put themselves through that kind of torture.”

“I’m prepared. Besides, it’s better the pain falls on me than on Briana.” I answered. I made up my mind a long time ago. I just have to see now if I could deliver or not. “Don’t worry about me, Colum. I’m tougher than I look.”

“But let’s say something does happen?” He insisted. 

I recognize that his fears are not baseless. I’ve been talking to a member of the wolf council and they said severing a bond between true mates is a very painful and grueling process. It’s not only physically draining but mentally and emotionally exhausting as well.

“If something does to me then it wouldn’t be anyone’s fault but mine. It doesn’t mean anything aside from me not being strong enough to withstand it, that's all.”

Cayden and Briana’s mating ceremony was a simple but solemn affair. Everyone from Nightshade attended and everyone expressed their gratitude to me, especially Amanda and her mate. They know how much Cayden loves Briana, even little Micah offered me a toothy grin.

The whole time during the ceremony I felt like I’m being ripped and whipped into shreds. It hurts seeing Briana mate with someone else. I was on the edge of the gathering but even from where I stood I could smell her sweet scent slowly mixing with his. It made me nauseous and the sight of them, together, slowly created conscious hallucinations that would break a lesser man.

I wanted to scream and shout, to stop the ceremony but I kept chanting Arrick’s name in my mind. Imagining his face and his touch and remembering how Arrick whispered sweet nothings and held me close kept me sane through the whole thing.

When I witnessed Briana and Cayden kiss I thought that was worse of it. I felt like I was burning. I wanted to run and tear Cayden’s damned throat out but I held on to the fragile threads of my sanity. I stood firm and I endured. 

I allowed the pain of the bond breaking to wash over me. Glorying at the thought that I was doing this for me, for Arrick. For us. I want Briana to be out of my reach, to not be an option. I wanted to focus on Arrick because I want to love only him.

But when Briana bit down to mark Cayden’s neck I couldn't stop the anguished howl that escaped from me. I fell on my knees gasping for breath, all my senses going haywire. The ceremony stopped and everyone looked at me anxiously as I struggled to contain myself down on all fours.

“Caron!” Briana screamed. She tried to run to me but Cayden held her back. He seemed to be unsure of what to do. Cayden eyed me like the rest of them, worried about what's going to happen if this continues. But at the same time Cayden knows what he has to do. I warned him about this so he’d be prepared. I fervently hope he comes through for me.

I don't know what they’re seeing and really I don’t care. I want this over with, done. My mind is still clear but I could feel the pull of the fragile bond starting to fog my senses. If Cayden doesn't mark Briana now I’d take her away and we'd go back to where we started, only this time I’d be half insane!

A bit more and it’s done. I have to hold on just a bit longer. 

Arrick… Arrick… 

A wave of calm suddenly washed over me. It was fleeting but it was there. Gads, I want to see Arrick so damned much! I have to focus and think only of him. I don't want anything. I don't need anyone. I only want and need him…

“Mark her!” I screamed as the pull got stronger and my senses started to blur. “MARK HER NOW!”

Cayden threw me another anxious look before biting down on Briana’s neck.

As time ticked by, I felt the bond tying her to me stretch close to breaking until something inside me shattered. Was it my mind or my heart, I do not know. But the pain I felt was unimaginable. I can’t believe I chose to put myself through this kind of mindless torture!

As the vestiges of my sanity shatter, I unconsciously wonder if this is enough proof for Arrick to understand that I would always choose him above everyone, even myself. Is this enough to prove that I would always love him and only him. 

But then again, if this doesn't work nothing else will.

The last thought I had before I lost consciousness was of Arrick. A thought about what he would do if I don’t make it out this shit relatively sane and alive…