:: CARON ::

I’ve been in a state of total bliss for the past few days. I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve arrived at this condition but I’ve never felt so free and so alive until this moment. I feel like every move I make, every action I take I’m doing so without worry, thought or restraint.

I’ve never been good with letting go, of just being or existing without reason. I worry too much and often think too hard. Everything tends to get too complicated and tangled in my head. 

But now, I’m…free!

I’ve always believed that freedom is a state of being. No one is truly free unless you believe you are. People, places, things, even memories can trap a person on a never-ending loop of uncertainty and winds up getting stuck. Caged.

To be honest, I’m fine as I am now. I’d be happy and content to remain like this for the rest of my life. And with all my senses heightened, I see things more clearly, hear sounds better and feel things differently. And I started to notice things I’ve never noticed before. Everything seems more mystical, more profound.  

I enjoy my untamed and savage existence. 

No cares. No worries. No complicated thoughts…

I can howl as much as I want when I’m happy or sad. Run when I want, wherever I want. There’s no reason to hide or pretend. I can solely exist and be me!

But who am I really? Rationality and common sense seemed to have escaped me. And I admit, I haven’t tried hard enough to retrieve or repair my broken sanity. But is it wrong to remain this way?

Perhaps at the moment I’m very unstable. Despite my blissful condition of unadulterated freedom, self-possession and nonchalance, I easily get upset when something doesn’t go my way.

Before I have more self-control, more hold over my rage and restraint on my strength. Now, I see no reason to hold back. I just lash out, release everything in me with everything I’ve got. No boundaries. No filters. I’m not afraid to break anything because I know, in some deep part of me, that I too was impossibly broken.

But frankly, being broken doesn't feel bad. If anything, it feels quite liberating!

For someone like me, who is driven by savage instinct, isn’t it natural to seek release and freedom through chaos and destruction? To enjoy bestiality and forget reason and all such nonsense? Isn’t it alright to live and thrive in being one with your inner demon?

Or is this merely a convenient excuse to run away? Am I a coward? I’d like to believe that I am not but what does being brave actually mean?

If you continue to fight a losing battle, does that mean you’re brave for going against the odds or just plain stupid? Does being resilient to suffering display one’s resolve, character and strength to endure or is it another way to prove how hard headed and stubborn a person could be?

Is it reasonable to simply plow through when everything in front of you are thick and seemingly impenetrable walls? Is it fine to push yourself to the limits when you’re tired and drained, physically and emotionally?

Is giving up really that bad?

What of will? Of the mental fortitude? The inner strength that pushes you to move forward and soldier on. Is it alright to use and exploit it until you break? When do you know it’s time to give up? When can you say you’ve done enough?

Do you give up when you’re losing? Or do you lose when you give up?

I lost something today, something that makes me curiously happy. I don't know what happened. I was guarding it closely but all of sudden it’s gone. I looked for it everywhere but no matter how hard I searched, I couldn’t find it.

Did someone take it away or did I leave it somewhere and forgot to come back for it?

Where is it? Where is it? WHERE IS IT!

I don’t understand…

I was supposed to be free. I’m not supposed to care or think. But why do I feel upset knowing it's not here? Why do I look for it? Why do I want it so badly?

My ears pricked when I heard a distinct rustling sound. And when I picked up the scent I’ve been searching for all day I knew I finally found it.

I dig my paws hard on the forest floor. I don’t know why but I can't let it get away. This time for sure I would not lose it! I would not forget to take it everywhere with me.

I froze when I locked on its form. 

I hate it when it does this! 

I don't like it when it looks like this!

I know for certain that it's far stronger than I am. It showed me before that it’s capable of far more. It demonstrated its strength and dominance over me a couple of times. I don't understand why it likes to show me its weakness!

I hate when it looks so vulnerable, so very fragile and easily breakable!

I growled, howled and snarled my frustration and dissatisfaction. I don't like to see it like this. It looks weak, so open and bare! 

I don't want to break it….

Why won’t it change to something I cannot break?

For the first time in forever I felt like I was looking at something so like myself. But that’s not right. I am right here. 

I’m here and he’s right there…

He? Who’s he?

I was still feeling dazed when something inside me cracked. I heard it snap and click in place. I flinched, anticipating pain, fearing it would hurt me. But even when it kept cracking and snapping I remained undamaged, free of hurt and pain.

I moved forward slowly. If it’s willing to appear weak and vulnerable in front of me then I guess it’s fine. If I showed a little weakness, if I displayed a little submission and compliance maybe it would change back!

I reached out to touch it gently. I don't want to tear it to shreds. I don’t want it to break!

I touched its form freely. I’m happy because it’s showing no sign of running away from me. I felt bold enough to nuzzle it with my face. It felt weird because somehow it doesn’t feel wrong. 

I was expecting it’d be horrible, being all exposed and touching each other’s weakened state. But somehow, it felt warm and oddly comforting.

“Where have you been?” I asked. “Why wouldn't you change?”

I wanted it to look strong, to look resilient to my strength and power. I want it to dominate me so I would never think of tearing it apart.

I felt water stream out of its closed eyes. 

What is this? Is it broken? Did I do it? 

I didn’t mean to break it! I tried licking it dry but the water kept leaking. I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know how to fix it!

I didn’t want to hurt it but I think I did. I wanted so badly for it to open its eyes and tell me what I did wrong so I could fix it!

Fix it? Am I capable of doing such a thing? I only know how to destroy things. Will I be able to mend anything? But when I look into its eyes, when its gaze locked with mine, why do I feel like I could do anything?

Blue eyes… 

That’s right! He has steel blue eyes that you could get lost into when you stare at it for too long. I want to see it. I want to stare and get lost in it. I want it to look at me!

“Why won’t you look at me?” I whined. “Why did you leave me alone?”

I tensed when an unfamiliar sound suddenly rang in my ears. “I’m sorry…”

I jumped and scrambled to get away.

What was that?

I growled and snarled, crouched low and readied myself for an attack.

But there it was again, that vulnerable and almost pained look. Why? So it’s really me who’s causing it pain, but how? How could I hurt it? I’ve been very careful not to break it!

He was now looking at me like he’s trying to tell me something. I understand he won't do anything to hurt me. Is this the reason why I, in turn, don’t want to hurt him?

Wait! He? How do I know that? How do I know I’m safe with him?

I want to hear it again, that sound he made in my ear. I was surprised so I lashed out at him but now I know what it is, it won’t bother me anymore. I want it…

I was wrong to be surprised. I’ve heard it before. I know I did but where?

I want to hear it again! I want it. I want it. I WANT IT!

Why wouldn't he do it again? What’s wrong? Did I scare him? Is he broken?

I grabbed one of its limbs and brought it to my face. If I show it I meant no harm, would he do it again?

“It’s warm,” I said as gently as I could, careful not to bite or scratch. “I like your stronger self but this fragile self feels good as well.”

I curled my fingers around his limb so he wouldn't be able to get away.

I could feel the beat of his pulse beneath my fingers. The steady beat curiously mesmerized me. As I feel it dance beneath my fingers, I feel incredibly happy!

In my abandoned state, whenever I feel a heart beating or a pulse racing my first and only thought would be how I could stop it. 

But hearing this pulse makes me happy. It makes me feel like he and I are connected. I don’t want it to stop. Ever!

This pulse throbs at a pace different from mine. I could feel it. One of his and two of mine. Why does my pulse beat faster? Why can't it beat at the same pace as his?

While I was deeply engrossed and lost in my own selfish thoughts, I felt his other limb touch me. I sensed it was coming. I knew he would want to so I steeled myself for it. Right now, I don't care if he hurts me, I only want to keep it!

But despite my worries he didn't hurt me. His touch was gentle and I wanted him to touch me more. It feels good. We’re making progress. 

I wonder when he’d talk to me again.

Talk? Is that what it is? Talking…

I love hearing him talk, the sound of his deep masculine voice and the soft lilt of his tone. I love…

Huh? Love? Is what I’m feeling right now, love?

Ah! Now I remember.

I was in love once, a true and honest love that defies all sense and reason. It hurt me so I ran away. I gave up without even trying. But I couldn't run fast or far enough. And in the end, I couldn't fully give it up.

Oh gads! I wanted to laugh out loud. This is insane! Since when, how long have I been acting this way?

I looked at him a bit dazed and confused. I mentally shrugged and curled back on his lap unashamed of my naked state, as well as his. I wrapped my arms securely around him and rested my head on his strong chest, silently listening to the steady beat of his heart.

Who would have thought something so simple could trigger me back?

Arrick wrapped his arms around me protectively and I allowed him to pull me closer. I needed the contact as much as he did. And when he buried his face on my neck I only had one thought in my head.

Damn! Innocence really is bliss. Shit!

Now that I’m free from my state of mental confusion, I wonder how I should slink out of this mess without looking like a proper moron?

It took me a while to get back but I finally realized where I am, what I’m doing, whom I’m with and how I got here.

I could stay, pretend to be oblivious and continue as I am. From the look on Arrick’s face I think he’d be satisfied with anything I decide to do. But would I be satisfied with being with him like this?

No, it’s time to face reality and come back.

I wonder what Arrick would say when I tell him that I finally remember everything…