:: ARRICK ::

The next time I opened my eyes I was alone. I couldn't sense Caron’s presence. He wasn’t near for sure but his scent still lingers in the morning air.

It’s barely dawn and since no alarm has been sounded that means he didn’t cross the border or run in the direction of the pack house. Everything was still and quiet on this part of the woods but he couldn't have gotten far.

Last night was a revelation. I’m afraid I got too comfortable because of what happened and let my guard down.

I immediately phased and followed his scent.

Something feels different. Usually when Caron runs off alone he would leave a messy trail on his wake; broken branches, unearthed bushes, overly disturbed soil and deep scratch marks on trees. But today his trail is clean, almost unsoiled, even the paw marks on the ground were not as deep as before and barely visible. If I weren’t tracking Caron by scent it would be hard to find him.

It was curious but I have a feeling that Caron isn’t trying to hide or run away. Call it intuition but I feel like he’s trying to tell me something.

After running for half an hour I found him by the rockies on the other side of the mountains, overlooking the pack lands. Caron was sitting on a huge boulder, still in his wolf form.

I approached him slowly, cautiously. I know he could sense me but I’m not sure what mood he’s currently in so I decided to exercise prudence, just in case.

We had a huge progress yesterday and last night was a staggering development. Call me selfish but I seriously hope this new behavior of his is not a drawback or a sign to cancel what we’ve already achieved yesterday.

Caron completely ignored me. The only indication I have that he’s aware of my presence is the slight twitching of his ears as I moved closer to where he was. When he didn’t snarl or growl as I drew closer, I felt bold enough to sit beside him on the ledge.

The sun was just coming out and everything was slowly changing before our eyes. It’s a brand new day, another trial and error for both of us. But it’s another chance for us, another day to hope.

“I was wondering when you’d get here,” Caron said out of nowhere.

I was too dumbstruck to react or reply. I didn't notice him phase back until he actually spoke to me. Our gazes locked for what felt like forever before he purposely broke eye contact.

“Shit! What a fucking mess!” He sighed as rubbed the back of his neck before turning back to face me. “I guess I owe you an explanation…”

I didn't think about what I was doing. My body reacted and moved on its own. I phased back and the next thing I knew, I was holding Caron close to me in a tight embrace.

“I don’t care…” I whispered. I really don’t.

“About what?” Caron whispered back and I could feel his warm breath fanning my exposed skin.

“Explanation or whatever,” I answered burying my face on his neck breathing in his sweet scent.

Please don't let this be a dream. Please let this be real.

“I don't care about any of it…”

Whatever happened or what caused us to arrive at this point doesn't matter, not to me. The important thing is Caron is back. He’s with me and he’s finally sane!

I don’t know what will happen in the future but I can honestly say we’ve been through all the tough shit already. Everything should be smooth sailing from now on, right? I’m not expecting for everything to be perfect but I’m sure nothing could be worse than the circumstances we've already encountered to arrive at this point. I think nothing could top what we had to deal with for the past few weeks.

But who the fuck knows? Fate is such a fickle bitch!

I held Caron tighter, closer. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with him regardless of what state he was in. I promised myself, after I brought him back to Sandalius, that no matter what I won’t let him go. I won’t give up on him. Never again.

I made this vow and I broke it when Caron found his true mate. I thought I was doing the right thing, something I was expected to do. But I don’t care about that anymore. As I said, nothing else matters but being with Caron.

I was too wrapped up in the moment I didn't realize that he’s not responding to my touch. Caron was not hugging me back. I could feel his heart racing in tune with mine but he’s not reaching out to touch me like before. He was just standing there, listening and allowing me tk do what I wanted.

“I’m sorry…” I said, suddenly ashamed of how I behaved. I reluctantly let him go and moved slightly away so I wouldn't be tempted to pull him close to me again. I guess I got a bit carried away.  

The last time we saw each other our situation wasn’t exactly ideal and by no means happy. Caron told me he was leaving and I didn't stop him like he wanted me to. I had a feeling that he didn’t understand my intentions when I allowed him to go and the misunderstanding led him to take drastic measures.

But it’s not entirely Caron’s fault. If anything, more of the blame falls on me. 

I was apathetic. I had a bad habit of going with the flow because it was easy. School, family, I even chose my mate and luna because she was convenient.

When Catriona left me I thought I was untouched by her actions but I was wrong.  True, I never cared for her, at least not in a romantic way, but I trusted her and Catriona broke that trust. What she did made me question my capability to judge other people’s intentions and put a huge dent on my self-confidence.

My feelings for Caron are by no means half-hearted or tepid. I love him. I’ve always loved him. I admit I was under-handed and cunning. I never did anything about my feelings for him or even thought of acting on it until I found out that he loved me as well, until I was certain my feelings were wholly returned.

We were standing in unstable ground when we started this relationship. There were a lot of doubts and questions of what if and what not. I knew Caron was uncertain because I’ve been so indecisive. But in all honesty, it wasn’t only him who was feeling unsettled. And because of that sad fact, when Caron found his true mate, I quickly got hysterical and left him before he could leave me.

It was unfair and I was wrong. I realized it then, not immediately but just in time to gradually control the damage I’ve already done.

I believed a little distance was fine. Caron had been suffering for years thinking he was the only one in love. I never did anything to win him over and I thought it was about time I showed him just how much I care about him. I knew he didn’t need it. But grand gestures are needed once in a while. But Caron totally misread the situation and my intentions. Once again, my carefully calculated plans blew up in my face.

I should have been more forthcoming. I shouldn't have been too vague with what I wanted. I should have told him straight that I loved him and I’m letting him go for the time being with the intention of following him once I got my act together.

I should have gone after Caron sooner or sent someone to accompany him even when he demanded to go alone. I shouldn’t have allowed him to feel isolated and trapped. I shouldn’t have made him feel desperate, like he needed to prove something. I shouldn't have allowed him to doubt the sincerity of my feelings for him.

Actually, there is a long fucking list of what I should and shouldn’t have done, actions that I could have taken and words I should have said to prevent both of us from suffering emotionally and having more painful memories of each other. But right now, there’s no room for regrets. I can’t undo the past but I can make sure the future would be better for both of us.

While Caron was trapped in his feral state I thought I wouldn’t be given another chance to make him understand how much he means to me. I was afraid of not being able to convey to him how much I truly love him. 

I was half-convinced that we would live the rest of our lives always feeling some sort of unrequited love for each other. I was terrified of the prospect. I never knew how much until the odds were completely against me.

Again, Caron made the first move before I could. He fought his way back to me. He came back to senses, using his own will and strength, when almost everyone had given up hope. 

I was prepared for the worst but the funny shit is, Caron never gave me the time to waver because it didn't take him long to come back. And now that he’s within my reach I would be damned if I let him slip through my fingers again.

Caron chose me. I should have believed him when he told me the first time, the second time and all those other times he tried to make me understand how and what he truly feels.

I guess I had to experience my world flipping upside down, inside and out, before I comprehended and accepted that Caron would always choose me above everyone, even above himself.

Caron never ceases to amaze me, truly. He keeps on knocking down walls and obliterating obstacles to be with me. He never left a room for doubt or a space to question his feelings. Now it's my turn…

“Who am I to you, Arrick Colson?” Caron asked.

I knew the question was coming. In fact, it’s long overdue. But hearing him say it still gave me pause. Was I really that vague?

“What position do I hold in your heart?” He continued. “Where do I fit in your life?”

See that? If Caron was confident about being loved, that I love him as much as he loves me, he wouldn't need to ask me these sorts of questions. Hearing him say those words out loud and hearing the doubt and fear in his voice makes me feel irresponsible, thoughtless and uncaring.

How much doubt did I sow on his head? How much of it took root and how do I get rid of it without hurting him further?

“You’re my unrequited love, Caron. A secret infatuation I’ve had for many years but never had the guts to chase because I was too much of a coward to take that leap of faith alone.” I answered his first question truthfully and as honestly as I can. “I admit I haven’t loved you for as long as you loved me but I can assure you that my feelings would not lose to yours and they wouldn't change.”

“Then why did you let me leave?” I sniped, tears forming in his eyes. “Why did you let me go?”

That isn’t the question he really wanted to ask me. In truth, Caron wants to know why I lied. He wants to know the reason why I gave up so easily, almost without a fight. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it because voicing those words out loud would expose his fears as well and he feels too vulnerable for that at the moment.

“I wanted you to guide me, to reassure me. I told you I was a coward but that’s not all, I was damnably stupid as well.” I answered. “I belatedly realized I didn't need guidance or any form of reassurance. All I needed was you. I had doubts, fears and a lot of issues. I was so confused it took me a while to be ready for you but when I was, it was too late because I already hurt you.”

“I don't understand…”

“I know you love me, Caron. I could feel it. Frankly, it scared me because I wasn’t ready to be loved, not to that extent. You were willing to cast aside your true mate for me and at that time I still had too much baggage, too many worries keeping me from just holding on to you.”

I know this is not enough to explain everything to him but he’d understand in time because I fully intend to show him through practice what I mean.

“It took me a while to come to my senses but I’m prepared for you now. I’m ready to accept you. I know our situations are currently reversed but I would be patient. I can wait, no matter how long it takes, because you’re worth it and I love you.”

My eyes locked with his and I knew words weren't enough. I don't want him to have more doubts but even I understand that it's not easy to get rid of all the negative thoughts in one swoop. For now, I’d keep reminding him of my feelings and slowly build up the trust that I callously broke.

“You asked me what position you hold in my heart and where do you fit in my life…” I said, holding his hands in between mine. “You’re everything to me, Caron. You were my friend first so I was afraid of ruining that special connection between us. But when we acknowledged our mutual feelings I realized other possibilities. You could still be my friend while being my lover, my mate and life partner. But whether those things become reality depends solely on you.”

“What do you mean?” Caron asked in a trembling voice.

“I could tell you I love you every second of every day but you wouldn’t believe it because I hurt you too much and you still can't forgive me.”

“Arrick, it’s not that I…”

I placed a finger over his mouth to stop him from talking. I know what he’s going to say. He’s going to convince himself that he’s not hurt or mad at me for what I did. He’s going to find some convenient excuse and tell me that he doesn’t care about what I did or didn’t do. But even if he says all that, I could see it in his eyes. This time I really messed up.

If I allow Caron to sweep his feelings aside, like they don't matter, we’d be back to where we started. This vicious cycle would repeat itself until we’re both exhausted. And I don't want that. I can’t have that. I want us to move forward. It’s about time we do.

“It’s alright to get mad at me, Caron. It’s alright to doubt your feelings for me and it’s alright to give me hell after what I put you through. I understand perfectly why you feel that way. And there’s nothing I can say but I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry for hurting you like that.” I said touching our foreheads together.

I felt his tears wet my cheeks and I slowly reached out to gently wipe them away.

How much tears has he shed because of me? And how much more would he cry in the future? I can't promise not to make him cry or not to hurt him but I would do my best to limit the pain I would cause him. I’d make sure that the happy times would more than outweigh the sad times so he would never feel this miserable ever again.

“I love you, Caron. Gads, I love you so much!” I said feeling my own tears mixing with his. “I know it would take some time for you to believe in me again. But this time, I swear, I’m going to do this right. I'm going to woo you gently until you’re thoroughly convinced that there’s no one else for me but you.”

Caron sobbed out loud and finally wrapped his arms around me. We stayed locked in each other’s embrace silently promising each other that this time, for sure, we’d do better.

“Are you really going to woo me?” Caron asked after some time. He sounded a bit skeptical but at the same time a little hopeful and somewhat excited at the prospect of being wooed.

Caron has been closing the distance between us all this time. In his quiet and stable way, he’s been insistent and relentless in his pursuit of me. But he’s burned out, physically worn and emotionally tired, because I kept taking unconscious steps back.

Now that I’ve realized my shortcomings and he’s having second thoughts, I think it’s high time for me to step up; the last, uncharted distance between us should and would be crossed by me. 

It’s only fair that I suffer as much as he had and do everything in my power to get him. After that, we’d walk our chosen path towards happiness together, side by side as equals.

“I will.” I promised as I leaned closer so my lips would be resting just shy away from his. “But I told you once already, Caron. It’s too late for you. In reality you’re already mine…”