There was a brief awkward silence.

Fuck, I better say something. I don’t want her to think I’m being an asshole about this. But I also don’t want to say anything dumb. 

After a few seconds, Hunter said “Huh. That’s cool. Uh, can I ask when you knew? That you were trans, I mean.”

“Uh, sure. Honestly, I don’t really remember most things before I was, like, ten or eleven but… I know in, like, late middle school/early high school, I generally just got really depressed and felt this… separation from people, I guess? And I kinda hated thinking about or talking about myself, or seeing myself in the mirror or photos, but for years I thought I was just somehow fucked up and just had really low self esteem for some reason. I spent a lot of time on the internet and playing video games, and later getting high, to basically try and distract myself from the real world. But then partway through college, after having met some trans people and talking to them, I realized that, like, maybe there was a more specific reason why I hated how I looked and sounded and my name. I guess before that I’d thought about how being a girl would be cool but I didn’t really realize that it was a thing you could actually do in real life.”

“How did you know? That transitioning was the right decision, I mean.”

Mel sighed. “You never know, with one hundred percent certainty. But, I mean, that’s just true about almost everything in life. I don’t think you have to know exactly what your identity is or anything that big picture. I just thought, ‘Hmm, maybe I should try hormones and I can stop taking them if I don’t like the effects’ then it turned out in fact that I really liked the effects. So I kept taking them. And that’s how stuff went from there. It wasn’t, like, a single big decision or a single moment of epiphany.”

“Huh. Good to know. I kind of had the impression that, like, people always knew from an early age, and then maybe sometimes they repressed that until it suddenly re-emerged. I’m still not sure if I entirely get how you tell, though. Like, lots of people don’t like looking at themselves in the mirror or feel isolated or whatever.”

“I don’t just mean that I was self-conscious about my looks or whatever. I guess I mean more specifically that when I looked in the mirror… that it felt like, I dunno, like a stranger or some random person was looking back. I felt like I just didn’t even know what I looked like, that I couldn’t seem to hold that in my mind, and that I was kind of just a mind plopped into an arbitrary flesh vessel.”

“Interesting. I... appreciate that you’re willing to share all this with me. I haven’t really known a lot of trans people before so I’m sorry in advance if I ever say anything weird or offensive.”

“Yeah, no worries. I really don’t mind talking about this stuff to people who are reasonably chill. Think of it as a public service.”

“Oh, and… you said that stream reminded you of--”

Just then, a speaker on the outside of the restaurant crackled to life. “Twenty-four!”

“Oh, I think that’s mine! Sorry, let me go get it real quick and we can talk more after,” Mel said before rushing inside. 

Just as she emerged, the speaker announced “Twenty-five!”

“Whoops, think that’s mine.” Hunter went inside and grabbed his burrito from the counter, nodding to the cashier. It was warm--almost hot--and wrapped in a foil, inside a paper bag that also had the receipt, a napkin, and some small plastic containers of salsa and limes and pickled carrots. “Thanks!”

He stepped back outside into the late afternoon light, where Mel was waiting.

“Hey, sorry, what were you saying before we got interrupted?”

Hunter shifted uncomfortably. “It wasn’t anything important,” he muttered. “You wanna get going to the park?”

“Yeah, dude. When we get there I’m gonna eat the hell out of this burrito. Let’s goooo.”

To Hunter’s surprise, Mel suddenly took off running. “Speedrun, dude!” she yelled back at him. He laughed a little before taking off after her.