CW: Explicit language, graphic violence, blood and gore, description of s*icide, mentions of hanging, mentions of substance/alcohol abuse, mental illness, ableism.

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When he returns to the estate, he finds it near empty. Mira tells him that the Governor and Jun are attending a funeral, so Rin must await their return in the evening.

Too restless to sit still, he ambles through the deserted halls. At this hour between lunch and dinner, the majority of estate staff are either resting or out running errands, so he has the place largely to himself. He’s ruminating on the logistics of the exorcism, when he hears a commotion in the garden behind the west wing.

Glancing out the window, he sees a group of servants enjoying their afternoon rest below the window, smoking and chatting rather amicably amongst themselves. He’s about to leave them be and continue his aimless wander, when he suddenly hears one refer to Jun.

“The young master must be mad to befriend that one-eyed thief.” It’s the groundskeeper, Kemi something or rather, chewing on the end of a rather large Southern cigar.

“No use complaining. There ain’t nothing we can do about it anyway. And anyway, Rin saved the young master’s life - think he’d do so if he wasn’t trustworthy?” A familiar voice pipes up and Rin spots none other than Lee, sitting on a wooden crate and biting into an apple.

“Saved him to scam him! Have you not heard what happened in the Blue Plains? Not only did the rat bastard like to kill the Crown Prince, but he also beat young master Jun half to death in front of the entire assembly. Bah! Makes my blood boil it does!”

“He did what?” One of the maids brings a hand to her chest and intakes with a shudder. “How could he do such a terrible thing?”

“From what I understand, the boy was not at fault.” Lee frowns tightly, rocking idly on the unstable crate. “He was ordered to carry out the young master’s punishment.”

Kemi huffs, his cigar bobbing as he grumbles, “And why was the young master being punished in the first place?”

“A misunderstanding, surely.”

“A misunderstanding, he says!” Kemi crows and the other servants murmur restlessly amongst themselves. “Of course, you and the rat bastard are quite close, aren’t you, Lee?”

“The boy isn’t as bad as you might think , Kemi,” Lee says, evenly. “You should give him a chance--”

“A chance to stab me in the back, more like! Have you seen his face? Does that look like the face of a normal child to you?”

The stablemaster takes a swig of his flask and yells, “Oh shut your trap, you old codger! The lad’s a good egg. He’s been helping me with the horses and he’s more useful than two Myungs put together!”

“Myung has nothing in her head but food. That’s not much saying much,” another servant laughs.

“He’s a violent, blood-thirsty thief!” Kemi slams his foot into the ground, cutting through the laughter. “I swear on the gods that he will murder us all in our sleep if we’re not careful!”

“Murder? Do you really think he would?” The maid wrings her apron between her hands. “P-perhaps we should speak to the Lord.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Lee sighs, shaking his head. “The boy’s not going to murder anyone--”

“He almost killed the young master, didn’t he? And look, look what he did to me!” Kemi groans as he struggles to his feet. Facing the group, he raises his shirt to reveal mottled flesh, bruised from what seems to have been a severe beating.

“Rin did this to you?” The guard straightens up, brows wrinkled in incredulity.

“Just last night, he did,” Kemi confirms, swiveling his torso from side to side as he places his wounds on display. “I caught him stealing one of the late Lady’s necklaces. The rat bastard was in the west wing, trying it on as he left the Lady’s quarters. The sheer audacity. So I asked, I did, I asked him to put the necklace back. I told him I wouldn’t turn him in if he were only honest. And you know what he did? The rat bastard beat me black and blue! I could see it in his eyes - he had every intention of killing me. If it weren’t for the night patrol, I would be making my merry deep in the soil by now!”

“That’s outrageous!”

“He should be arrested.”

“We should speak to the Lord about this.”

“Ah, he’s at the funeral today. Maybe we leave it for tomorrow?”

“My brother’s a Silversword - I can ask him what he thinks.”

“Your brother’s a useless twat!”

“Mark my words, the lot of you!” The groundskeeper shrills, waving a stern finger at the other servants. “That rat bastard will bring ruin to this estate! Do you not see the misfortune that has come about already? I know creatures like him and I see damnation in his beady little eye. He’s cursed, I tell you, and he’ll bring all of us down with him--errkk!!”

The old man goes flying, landing face first in the nearest flower bed. Standing just where Kemi had been is the rat bastard in question, with a hand on his jutted hip and a smirk tugging at his plump lips.

“Rin!” Lee shouts, leaping to his feet. “What are you’re doing?”

Kemi tries to struggle upright but Rin strides forward and slams his foot into the back of his head, forcing the old man's face deep into the freshly turned manure. “I just think that if you’re going to talk shit, you may as well eat it too,” he hums, tossing hair over his shoulder.

The guard sighs and tosses aside his apple core. “Look, if you let him go, I won’t have to report this in. We can call this a simple misunderstanding and go about our way.”

“But why would I do that?” Rin asks, cocking his head in faux innocence. “When this shit-eater’s accusing me of things that could very well have me hanged for. Why should I let him be after that?”

“Let him go, y-you fiend!” the maid yells in indignation. Around her, the other servants all raise their voices in agreement.

“Yea, let Kemi go! You ain’t gotta beat him!”

“Fucking rat bastard--”

“How could you treat your elders like that?”

“I haven’t seen such atrocious manners before in my life!”

Rin waves away their outrage and folds his arms, pushing his foot down. Below his boot, the old man shrieks in rage, voice muffled by the manure and his limbs flailing in protest. “Not until he apologises and retracts his accusation.”

“I will not apologise!” comes Kemi’s muffled shout.

“Fine, then I hope you enjoy the taste of shit, because I’m not letting up until you do.” Rin smirks, enjoying this much more than he’d care to admit. “Move and I’ll smash your skull in,” he warns, voice saccharine.

The servants raise their voices again, some rolling up their sleeves and marching towards the youth, but Lee holds up a hand to stop them. He wears a rather grim expression upon his face.

“Rin, I know things have been difficult for you, but violence is not the answer.” Lee’s barely holding back the enraged servants, all just itching to get their hands on the boy.

“Why not?” Rin scoffs, squinting at the moralising guard. “Violence is everything. Haven’t you heard that there’s a war going on? What, is the Mother wrong about violence too?”

“You’ve been getting into fights almost every day since you’ve returned from the palace, Rin. This is simply not sustainable--”

“Don’t look at me, pet. You’re facing the wrong way.”

“You must understand more than anyone that people can be susceptible to rumours. It doesn’t mean they deserve to be beaten.”

“If you think it’s just rumours, you’re dumber than you look,” Rin laughs, his voice harsh and pitchy. “Look, all that needs to happen here is that the old fart apologises. I won’t have to do this if he just says two simple words. Even a child could do it.”

Lee drops his eyes to the groundskeeper. “Kemi--”

“I’d rather die than apologise to that rat bastard!” Impressive, how he could screech so loudly with his head half-buried in shit.

Rin sighs and leans more of his weight upon the old man’s head. “And so you have it,” he says to Lee, shrugging. “If he’s not going to apologise, then I can’t very well let him go.”

“Why not? You can walk away. Be the bigger man. Rise above all of this--”

“Why?” Rin snaps, ire stirring. “Why must I be the bigger man? Why can’t I be justified in my anger? I know I’m a rat bastard. I know I’m a thief. But if there’s one thing I fucking hate, it’s having my life threatened. I deserve my life. I’ve fought hard for my life. I’ve fought harder than any of you assholes put together! So why should I die just to make you feel comfortable? Does that seem fair to you?”

‘Of course you deserve to live, Rin. But that doesn’t mean you have the right to take away someone else’s.”

“Did I say I was going to take anyone’s life?” Rin grits out, grinding his foot into Kemi’s skull. The old man howls and flails as his entire head sinks into the flower bed. “I just don’t want to hang is all.”

Lee hesitates. “I understand, Rin. I understand this very well. Lord Hwan will not hang a thief without proper evidence--”

“Don’t try to bullshit me, pet. I must have seen a hundred innocent people hung for every guilty criminal. This system that you Silverswords trust so much? It’s broken. Look at what’s being done for the Roses. Look at what’s been done to me. I know how the system works. It has nothing to do with proof and everything to do with where you’re from and how much coin you have.”

The guard gives Rin a strange expression then. The corners of his lips rise, only slightly, but enough to betray his pleasure at the youth’s words. But why?

“So what will you do?” Lee challenges, folding his arms. “If Kemi does not apologise, what is your plan?”

Rin clenches his jaw, giving another hard grind of his boot. The old man shrieks louder. “One of us will bend eventually,” the raven growls. “And it’s not gonna be me.”

A boorish servant knocks Lee to the side easily, as if the man were nothing but a limp ragdoll. “Enough with the chatter, Lee! We should just toss the boy to the Silverswords. The Lord and the young master will thank us later.”

Rin sneers, “Thank you for what - being a dumbass?”

The boor narrows his eyes. “You have a big mouth, but you’re nothing but a coward. I can see the fear in your face and you...you have many fears.” His lips twist into a mean smile. "You are pathetic. I pity you."

Pupil constricts. Red flares like blood in brackish waters. His heart has stopped, or maybe he’s just unaware of his pulse, and there’s a silence. A bone-deep silence that petrifies reality like insect in amber. Without a word, he raises his foot and stomps Kemi’s skull, crushing it under his boot.

An ear-piercing scream shatters the air, shrapnel flying in every direction and infecting every person they encounter.

The boor seizes Rin around the collar, throwing him bodily to the ground with an earth-shaking roar. The youth’s vision goes black for a split-second before returning in a shower of falling stars. The ground is cold - some parts packed, others mere mush, and he feels the mud soaking into his shirt. He dimly laments yet another ruined shirt.

Around him is the commotion from the servants, and the gurgled wheezes of the wounded groundskeeper who convulses and seizes in shock. The servants rush him inside, blood pouring from his broken skull and leaving a gory trail behind.

When Rin fully regains his senses, he finds himself face down on the ground, cheek pressed into the dirt with his arms pulled behind. Panting, he tries to lift his head, only to feel his muscles scream. A hand pushes firmly against the back of his head, keeping him still.

“Calm yourself.” He hears Lee’s voice above, low and soothing. "Calm down, Rin. It’s just you and I here. Everyone else is gone.”

"Fuck you, I am calm!” Rin growls, bucking against the guard’s weight.

“No, you’re not.”

“Fuck. You!”

“Not until you’ve calmed down.”

“Fucking asshole, let me go!”

And so it goes, until Rin truly does find himself calming, moreso from exhaustion than the soft reassuring words Lee murmurs. When he’s reduced to a trembling, panting mess, the guard finally releases him. He helps him sit upright before crouching down to meet his eye.

At this level, the raven can see Lee’s bloodied nose. He glances down at his own hands and he sees his split knuckles.

“When...did that happen?” he pants, staring blankly.

“You don’t remember?” Lee frowns, brows knitting in concern.

“...I don’t. Or maybe I do. It’s hard to tell.” When he detaches from his body, his memories of events are often unreliable.

“You’ve only helped Kemi’s case by lashing out like that, Rin. What are you going to do if he dies? Do you think I can protect you then?”

“Did I ask for your protection?”

“Why did you attack him, Rin--”

“Attack? If that giant buffoon didn’t try to act the hero--”

“Do you always blame others for your own actions?” Lee snaps, gaze turning severe.

Suddenly, Rin’s rather glad for that bloodied nose. He only wishes he could have gifted him more. “Do you always act like a milksop? If you’re going to defend me, then do it properly!”

“I defended you when you were accused of a crime without evidence. But as soon as you hurt Kemi, I couldn’t defend you any longer. Not in good faith.” His austerity deepens. “That was a very bad thing you did, Rin. I will do what I can to keep you alive, but I cannot fight whatever punishment the Lord decides for you.”

“I’m not scared of punishment. I’ve made it this far, haven’t I? I’m someone who’s beaten the Crown Prince and I’m still standing.”

“You do not fear the consequences of your actions?”

“Why the fuck should I? I’m a rat. I can get out of any place and any situation.”

Lee rubs his forehead, dark clouds gathering in his eyes. After a time, he says in a low voice, “Colonel Roche is dead.”

Rin stares at him blankly. “Colonel who?”

“The Northerner you injured at Lady Nam’s soiree.”

“Wait - how do you know about--”

“A few days ago, Colonel Roche woke up, took his pistol, and shot his wife who was still sleeping. He then shot his two young children in the next room before finally killing himself. The only thing he left behind was a note. Do you know what this note said?”

Blanching, the youth gives a jerky shake of the head. He feels numb.

“Ever since the incident at the soiree, he had been suffering from unstable moods. His illness caused his discharge from the Northern forces and he became heavily dependent on alcohol and illicit substances. In his madness, he decided that death would be a mercy for himself and his family.” The guard leans back on his haunches, face grey and sombre. “This is the real consequence you must face, Rin. This is what happens when you hurt people. Do you understand?”

Rin stares down at his hands, vision blurring. The black band on his thumb is void.

“...How do you know all this?” His voice is a rasp, lower than a murmur.

“Whose funeral do you think the Lord and the young master are attending?”

He licks his lips, finding his mouth quite dry. “But...how do you know about what I did? I never told you--”

“When it comes to you, Rin, you needn’t tell me anything. I already know.”

“How--?”

“Despite what you think, you are not alone.” Lee sighs and stretches out a hand to grasp the boy’s shoulder. “Rin, human life cannot be taken so lightly.”

But Rin knows this. He does. Hadn’t he taken five lives already? Six now, if the old fart dies. And of course, there is Dasom and Colonel Roche. His wife and two children. And hadn’t Jun almost died trying to protect him?

Rin knows that each life is valuable. He does, he truly does. And yet...and yet he attracts death like melted sugar to flies, all because he wants to preserve his own life.

One life in exchange for eleven. And though he balks at the thought of more blood on his hands, there’s a small part that resides within his core - a part that would welcome more lives, if it meant his own survival.

“So what the fuck am I supposed to do?” he hisses, throwing his fist down into the grass. He glares up at the guard, eye burning scarlet. “Should I just roll over and die?”

“You can choose not to hurt them, Rin. Whatever trouble you had with Colonel Roche, you did not have to injure him. You did not have to injure Kemi today either. And now you truly do face your death because you acted rashly. Because you chose violence over everything else.”

Rin gnashes his teeth, fury spiking. “I chose to live!” he snarls, “I chose life! Don’t you fucking moralise to me. I’m not anything to you and you’re not anything to me. And anyway, you’re a Silversword, aren’t you? If you’re still alive now, that means someone else had to die in your place. Isn’t that right, you fucking hypocrite?”

“That isn’t the same--”

He throws his head back and barks a laugh. “Hah! Why? Because it was legal? So do you think that Blossom killing all those Roses is moral? Because Mother’s word is law, after all.”

Lee grimaces and shakes his head. “Absolutely not. It is never a case of my life or theirs, Rin. But it is always a case of our life, everyone’s life, and the sanctity and preservation of.”

“Bullshit,” Rin sneers, his face twisted into an ugly expression. “Pure fucking bullshit.”

“Do you really think that, Rin? Or are you, as Sugi says, afraid?” The guard’s eyes hold a tinge of pity within, which enrages the Rat further. “Are you afraid that I’m right? And if I am right, then you would have to face the fact that your actions caused the deaths of four people--”

“Boring. This is boring, I hate it.” Rin scrambles to his feet, shivering as his muddy shirt clings to his skin. He lurches away, in any direction, he’s not really paying attention--

Lee catches up in just a few long strides. He grabs the raven’s arm in an iron grip, yanking him back.

Rin avoids those stern eyes, staring instead at the grass. A worm writhes in two parts, having been cut in twain. It’s difficult to tell where the head is.

“Rin. Just let me ask you one question. One question and then I’ll let you go.” Lee pauses, grip loosening. “Why do you have so many scars?”

Like the wound on your back, these wounds are who you are. The part of you that I admire the most.

He doesn’t try to run. He can’t run. Not when the little lord burdens him so, like a powerful spectre that will never let him go.