CW: Mentions of PTSD

Luna left my cabin around 2300 Earth time, leaving me alone once again. Luckily, my XO had temporarily rid me of the pain that had been plaguing me. So I decided to clean up the plates and the rest of the food that was left. A little while later I was done and took a bottle of whiskey out of my cabinet to pour me a glass. I sunk down on my sofa, glass in hand, and stared at the screen that was simulating a fireplace. Today has been an exhausting and painful day. But nonetheless also exciting and eye-opening. My thoughts went back to the planet’s surface and what we’d found. The more I thought about it, however, the more a wave of negativity grew. We’d found confirmation of alien life, that much was true. But it had been completely wiped out. Not a single survivor. The planet was a similar size to Earth, our home. But void of any living being.

“I can’t even fathom how it must’ve felt to have been one of the last survivors…” I took a swig from my glass and let myself sink deeper into the sofa. “Maybe they still had hope. Hope that they could save themself, or even just a part… But in the end…” I emptied my glass and poured it full again. “In the end it was for nought anyway… They all died…” 

Negative thoughts now came flooding in like a storm surge at high water. Memories about the war. Seamlessly hopeless situations I’d found myself in. Suffering of all those around me.

I emptied my glass again and grabbed for the bottle once more. “I shouldn’t…” My hand hesitated for a moment and pulled back. But then… memories of my parental home, aflame after an artillery strike had struck during the evacuation… On my knees in the rain… 

 

I woke up on the floor. The bottle lay empty beside me. A panging pain in my head. 

“Ow…” I put my right hand over my right eye. “Fuck.” I pulled myself upright and sat against the sofa, putting the bottle on the small table in front of it. “Ellie, what time is it?”

No response.

“Right…” 

I tried to turn around and look over my shoulder to the table at my bed’s side, but another pain jolted through me. This time it was my shoulder. “Goddess… that’s back too…” 

With a painful groan, I lifted myself up and stumbled forwards, towards my clock. It was five in the morning.

“Pff…” I sighed and redirected my stumbling towards the bathroom. I could get in a quick shower and then sleep for an hour or two more before I had to get up and start my shift. 

However, when I got in bed after my shower, sleep was very hard to catch. Just when I felt myself dozing off again. My alarm decided it was time to start ringing. 

“For fucks sake…” I groaned yet again. “Why do I do this to myself…” 

After having splashed some more water in my face and having taken my pills, I put on a new uniform and headed out. 

 

“Commander, is something wrong? You look horrible.” Luna looked at me with a concerned look on her face when I entered the bridge. 

“I had a bit of a rough evening after you left…” 

“Did your shoulder start hurting again?” 

“No, It’s… it’s fine… Really. Just need some time to wake up properly.” I waved her concern for me away, not wanting to worry her even more. “What did the other shift report?” 

“Ah.” She immediately stood up straight and took her holostick. “Nothing noteworthy was reported. The planet's surface stayed quiet. No incoming coms eithers.” 

“Okay, great.” It sounded like it would be a quiet day, which I didn’t really mind in my current state.

 

The scientists had asked for a week of orbiting the planet, which they had dubbed Felix Invenire, to go back to the planet, collect more samples and do what scientists generally do, before we sent a report back to Earth with our findings. We’d already alerted back that we had in fact found a plausible habitable world, and the mood had been outright ecstatic. Luckily, I wouldn’t have to do any of that reporting myself. 

 

“Are you sure you are okay, Commander? You look terribly pale.” Luna clamped on to me, around forty-five minutes after our shift had started. 

“Do I?” I turned around to face her, but when I did, the entire room started spinning around me. Luna caught me right on time before I fell over. 

“Commander, I really can’t let you be here like this…” She looked around the room and called over to someone at the door. “Uhm, hey, marine. Can you take the Commander to the med bay?” 

The marine immediately ran over, saluted his XO and put my arm around his neck. It was Private Kasongo. 

“Are you okay, ma’am?” He asked. 

“N-not really.” I shook my head and looked at Luna. “XO, you have the bridge…?” 

She saluted me. “Don’t worry Commander.” 

Private Kasongo then escorted me away to face the ire of Doctor Winter. 

The Private didn’t ask much during the walk to the infirmary, except for occasionally checking if my condition wasn’t getting worse. 

Doctor Winter however… “Have you been drinking again?” She shot her doctor’s light in my eye to check my pupil’s response. Noone else was present in the infirmary at that time. 

“Yes…” I admitted guilt. 

“How much?” She shone her light into my other eye. 

“...” 

“How much?” She repeated. 

“A bottle…” 

She clicked her light off and put it in her doctor’s jacket and sighed. “Lauren…” 

“I know…” 

“Did you have an episode again?” 

I nodded. 

She gave me a knowing nod and sat next to me on the bed. “Didn’t you have a fun night with the XO?” 

“I did… but when she left… My mind started racing and then went back to… to my parents… and from there…” 

She nodded and put her hand on my back. Just gently rubbing it to comfort me. “Why didn’t you call me up to keep you company?” Eva said in a soft and soothing voice.

“It was already late…” 

“You know I’d have still come over, right? Or Gunny…” 

“Still…” I looked down at my lap. 

“Lauren. Look at me.” 

I did as she asked. 

“Lauren, you are the most important person on this ship, your mental health matters for a lot of people, okay?” She put her hand on my shoulder. “And secondly and most importantly, you are our friend. We don’t want you to suffer alone. Call on us if you need us and we will be there for you. I know you like to deflect things with your casual and happy-go-lucky attitude. But it's also important to work through this, together.” 

“Yeah… thank you…” I nodded. 

“And if need be, I’ll come and sleep on your sofa.” She squeezed my shoulder a little. 

“You should definitely take the bed though.” 

“No, with your back, it’s definitely better to stay in the most comfortable positions possible. So no more sleeping on the floor either. Understood?” 

“Yes, ma’am.” Eva had definitely managed to drag my mind out of the swamp. “Is that what’s wrong with me?” 

“Well, I see you’ve got a bit of swelling around your shoulder but that should go away by applying an ice pack to it.” She hopped off the bed and walked over to one of the freezers. “As for your other ailments. It was the high amount of alcohol in your blood reacting with the prescribed drugs. That’ll pass relatively soon. Better to take your pills a bit later if you still feel drunk. A little delay on the pills won’t matter that much as long as you take them.” Doctor Winter took an ice bag out for me and put it in an insulator so I wouldn’t get any frostbite. She then attached a strap to it so I could put it on and hang it behind my back. “Here you go. And now hophop back to work. Luna must be worried for you as well.” 

“What do you mean by that?” I said as I got off the bed and put the ice bag on. 

“Oh, nothing in particular.” She giggled and gently guided me out. “Don’t forget to call on us when you need us, okay?” 

“I will.” And with that I got kicked out of the infirmary. 

 

My XO was staring out of the window at Felix Invenire from the complete front of the bridge. I walked up to her, after having given a salute to Private Kasongo who looked a bit surprised that I’d returned already. 

“XO, I’m back.” I said with a smile as I approached her. 

She bounced up for a second, clearly caught off guard. “Ah! C-Commander! You are back already. Is everything okay?” 

“I’m okay now. Thank you for sending me away. It was definitely for the best.” 

“No problem.” She saluted me. “It’s my duty as your XO after all.” 

“Good.” I joined her in watching the planet below. I could see a little bit of a blush forming on her cheeks. She must’ve really gotten flustered by the surprise.