An scoffs as she steps past a hesitating Zhi. After all this she’s still doubting herself? Seeing the former gang leader take the bait and cross through the portal right before she reaches it the corner of An’s lips curl up, her smile hidden by the portal’s shadows. Another secret just for her.
Wisps of pure shadow dance around her on the other side. She sees the others stand still while their eyes adjust and even sees Suwan flare her fire to cast light on the surroundings. Only to her does the flame hinder more than it helps. The colorless surroundings are clearer to her than even the outside was, each outline crisp and sharp. A deep breath fills her lungs with the surrounding darkness and she shoots forth like an arrow. Briefly she hears Suwan’s sending but by the time it comes she is already amidst the rotating statues.
A tap of her toes sends her careening over a beam of light, her jump carrying her higher than she’d believed possible just weeks before. It is not just her own enhanced physique aiding her either. She can feel the shade like wind on her back, pushing her just the slightest bit further than she could reach on her own. A turn smoothed out here, a dash lengthened there. Little things that make her seem as if she’d been doing this her entire life.
Her fingers curl and she can feel strands of pure blackness slide through them like water through a sieve. A sneaking suspicion causes her to dive into a slide while grasping the strands and twisting once she’s past a beam of light. As she expected it helps her hop upright as if it were nothing, her own body seeming to lighten enough to let her pull herself up on the thin waves of absence. For more and more that is what she’s beginning to believe shadow is. An absence, a hole where light should be yet isn’t. Something that follows what stands in the light and stays by its side. Her gaze flicks back to Gao Mu as she maneuvers around another beam. An wonders why she’s going backwards. She puts the matter aside, what her master does is for her master to decide and she won’t question it.
Leaping up she twists and dives through a crossing of three beams just before they intersect, the shadows carrying her through as if she were riding a wave. Eyes wide open and flicking from place to place her lips curl into a relaxed smile. She can see not just where the light already is but also where the darkness is about to fade. With her means of perception doubled she crosses to the end with ease and stops just outside of the range of the flickering scones hanging on either side of the doorway to the next part.
The ease with which she succeeded is intoxicating and she can imagine few things greater than finally having found the thing that will give her purpose, other than perhaps her master of course. Turning back to look at her she sees Mu approaching quickly, her movements smooth and pristine as always yet somehow even better than before. An stands in a daze as she watches her master. Even without the shadows guiding her Gao Mu is making it through. She wonders how much faster the pugilist would be if they aided her just as they aided An herself. Heaving for breath Mu reaches the end with a wide smile on her face while practically vibrating in excitement over her accomplishment. An steps into the light following her master and stands by her side.
Shortly after Mu arrives Zhi too reaches them, a fact that makes Mu’s shoulders drop and takes a bit of the spring out of her step. First her youngest junior finishes before her and now her other fellow disciple that started more than half a decade later than she did finishes only minutes after her! An gives Zhi a respectful nod as well, even though she isn’t nearly as good as her master she did manage to complete the trial without the aid of the shadows as well. Well, her master turned back halfway because it was too easy and completed it twice so she’s still far better, An thinks as she puffs up her chest and raises her chin.
Yet even she has to admit their performance doesn’t even begin to compare to Suwan. From start to finish she uses her qi once. Just once. An doesn’t dare to blink lest she misses something. Not once does Suwan slow and not once does she speed up. She simply walks through the trial as if it were nothing. Beams seem to move out of her way as she goes, an illusion An knows is false. the grandmaster simply predicted their paths to the point it seems that way. An can see half a dozen paths the blonde can take to pass completely out of sight yet each time a bit of light flickers across her golden locks. An’s eyes widen in realization. Not only has she plotted out a perfect route in advance, she also made sure to pick one that would allow all of her disciples to watch and learn. It is only when Suwan nears the end that a bit of anxiety forms within An.
Her mind runs through the scene again and again coming to a single conclusion. The seemingly perfect path ends just before reaching the exit. There’ll be no way through the intersecting lines of sight. It’s at that moment she can see the shadows ripple and her grand master’s qi flare. Her mouth hangs wide open as the final statue stops and begins to turn the other way.
“Well then, let’s move on shall we?” Song Suwan nonchalantly says and nods toward the door. An gulps. She has much left to learn.
-----
"Ahn~" A voice cries out below the young girl. Hiding within the rafters a younger version of An closes one eye and peeks into the room below through a crack in the wood. She adjusts the small pack on her back and calms her breathing. Her mother had always made sure An was safe and sound within her locked room before performing her work as a courtesan but it hadn't taken the young girl long to figure out she could pry open a piece of the wooden paneling and squeeze through the crawl spaces between the ceiling and the upper floor. The girl doesn't feel discomforted by the dark, claustrophobia inducing place, instead she feels safe. More secure than she feels even cradled to her mother's bosom. She takes a deep breath and pushes on, guilt warring with relief as she continues on.
‘The shadows have always been your ally.’
An's eyes snap open, her form flickering between her normal physique and her present form. Or rather, her past form. She casts a look around, the darkness as clear as day to her improved senses. She can feel the grain of wood below her fingers and hear every noise within the building far sharper than back when this memory had taken place. Myriad scents enter her nose and she blocks them out as she tries to figure out what’s going on. 'This isn't real.' She thinks and the moment she does the surroundings fade away in a smoky haze.
She finds herself sitting at a table. Thin trickles of light flood through the gaps between wooden shutters, flecks of dust streaming through the radiant beams that provide the sole source of light within the smoky room. Opposite her sits an unassuming looking man casually sipping from his cup of tea.
‘Greeting, An’
The man exclaims without opening his mouth, the words appearing within An’s mind as if they were her own thoughts.
‘You stand at a crossroads and soon you must choose. Your choice shall define you and your actions shall set your choice in stone.’
The man sets his cup down and stands up, waving for her to join him as he pushes his way through the bamboo cords keeping light from flooding in through the doorway. An squints at the sudden brightness overtaking her vision and the scene falls away once more.
The small child clutches the strap of her bag tight, her meager possessions slung over her back as she hides behind a bush to wait for travelers to walk by. For the longest time all she can hear is the sound of her own breath and her heart thudding in her ears. Only after she is completely sure they have passed does she stand up, legs cramping from the exertion as she pushes herself to follow the road once more.
For the thousandth time since setting out she questions whether she truly made the right decision. It was not so bad back home. Her mother was strict in her teachings to the point An’s head often hurt after being forced to memorize letters, numbers and more yet at the end of the day she was always able to go to bed with a full belly. Her fists clench tighter. It’s been days since she’s seen a bed and her pack is growing lighter and lighter. She has to stop herself from eating what little she has left when her stomach growls once more, reminding herself she should be able to reach the nearest town by evening. The aching in her stomach doesn’t hurt nearly as much as the pangs in her heart anyway.
‘Do you understand what hurt you most?’
The voice echoes through An’s head once more as her form flickers back to normality. She wonders now why her mother had attempted to teach her those things. Surely a courtesan wouldn’t need to know any of that? For that matter, how did her mother even know such things and did she truly mean for An to follow in her footsteps? Her teeth grit and she clenches her fists, unable to look the man in the eye.
‘You do not accept it. That is normal. Let us proceed.’
Water splashes all around as four small feet rush through the puddles with all the speed they can manage. Angry voices get closer and closer. The boy running beside her gulps as he casts a glance back. “Left!” He yells as An narrowly ducks below the grasping hands and into an alley. “Here!” The boy shouts and puts his hands together. An places her foot on top of them and kicks off, hands scrambling to catch the ledge before she drops back down. She rolls on top and turns back around reaching down for the boy. She looks an angry man right in the eyes as she does, scant meters away from them and mere moments from catching them. While they can’t reach it on their own the man could reach the ledge and grab her with ease. She briefly looks down at the boy before turning her head. Biting the inside of her cheek she stands up and rushes away, tears streaming down her cheeks as she covers her ears to muffle the sound of thuds and pained shouting.
‘Are you beginning to see?’
The man asks as An’s form shifts to normal, tears still streaming down her eyes as she glares up at the unassuming man. Her shoulders shake while she struggles to maintain her composure. They could have both made it. She had enough strength, all she lacked was the knowledge on how to properly use it. Before long she looks away and stares at the floor instead.
‘Do not run from your past as you did from your ally. Learn from it.’
“What would Venerable Senior have had me do?” She asks without being able to keep the bite out of her voice.
‘Maintain your composure, young one. There is no point in lashing out when confronted with uncomfortable truths. To change one must see what they truly are.’
The small girl’s stomach growls. Although not as short as before her arms are thinner and her ragged clothes hang slack over her frame. She curls into a ball and drives her fist into her belly over and over, numerous thumps ringing out as she tries to replace the neverending ache with a different kind of pain. Lightless eyes stare aimlessly atop hollow cheeks, their empty gaze taking in nothing. Her nose scrunches as she smells a particularly pungent smell. Unbidden her head turns to the side and she looks at the crippled old man she’s been sitting next to as shelter from the wind. He had shared food with her just the other day, hadn’t he? Split the hard loaf within his pouch in half and given her the bigger piece. Come to think of it, he hadn’t eaten the other half entirely, had he? Just a piece of it. There’s still food, isn’t there?
Her guts churn at the thought and her heart stings so much it feels like it’s been stabbed. Even so, hunger is still worse. She remembers the man’s gap-toothed smile as he patted the spot by his size. Putting one arm against the wall she pushes herself upright. She remembers the man’s conflicted expression as he watched her scarf down his food. Taking one hesitant step forward her hand slides across the wall as she struggles to remain upright. She remembers where it is hidden. The pouch is stashed just below his knee where his lower leg once was, hidden by naught but a facade of normality and a thin blanket.
“Stop!” An shouts as reality flickers. “What do you want from me?!”
‘You must acknowledge your guilt.’
“I was trying to survive!”
‘You must be better in the future. Face the sins of your past.’
This time the change feels different. She can see the scene both from her eyes and those of her younger self, both seeming to be present. One an ethereal shade and the other reliving an unchangeable past.
Using the moment the caravan guards look away from their cargo to talk to the city guards the small girl lifts the lid of the crate she is hiding in and slips out. Having overstayed her welcome in the previous city she had hid inside a caravan transporting foodstuff to find a new place to lay low. Utterly familiar with the routine she blends into crowds, slinks into alleys and stays out of sight as she tries to catch her bearings within her new locale.
Perhaps a bit too familiar as before she knows it she drops her guard more than she should and walks right into an ambush. Several grinning men, the youngest looking no older than twelve and the oldest appearing in his late teens at most, surround her and put their weapons plain on display. A mere assortment of sturdy planks and rusty metal yet nevertheless more than the girl can handle. Then again even unarmed she doubts she would stand a chance. She curses her carelessness as the oldest begins to talk.
“Well well well, kent say ah’ve seen y’r arse round dese parts. Int that funny. Big ol’ caravan rolls inta town and a new lass just ‘appens to wander inta mah turf. Easy ta put oh and oh together duntcha think?”
His goons laugh along, An’s current understanding allowing her to realize half of them are more confused than amused having no idea what he’s getting at. She can simultaneously feel her younger self thinking the man’s annoyed eye twitch is at her staying silent and her current self realizing he’s pissed he has to explain the situation to his subordinates in full.
“Seems like someun scurried in ‘ere like a lil rat. Hidin’ in the carts and skitterin’ into anotha’s turf wheneva it fookin pleases. But’cha know wot? No one’s gunna miss a rat like ya. Ah ken sell ya and there’s not a chance it’ll come back ta boite me.”
Laughing uproariously the man’s thugs soon gather closer as well, sealing her in to stop her from fleeing. The one in charge leans forward and takes her chin in hand, rotating her head side to side as if he were a merchant inspecting goods. An grits her teeth realizing she’s messed up. Sitting within a cart of foodstuff she hasn’t gone hungry in a week and it shows, her once haggard cheeks are beginning to fill out and her skin seems healthier than before. Any street rat knows looking unappealing is the best defense of all against slavers.
“Lil young but ah bet ah ken sell ya ta some deviant fur some pretty coin. Ya come quietly or imma bash ya till ya st-”
The man’s voice cuts off as a rock hits the back of his head and he whirls around with fury in his face.
“Zhi ya sewer mutt da fook is yr problem!”
“Hands off shorty.”
“Fook off.”
“Make me.” She spits as she slaps the plank she is holding on to her palm. To An at the time she seemed like an invincible warrior, each strike taken unflinchingly and returned tenfold.
‘A shadow is always drawn to the light.’
With her experience now she can see how faulty her belief was. Zhi is putting her life on the line to get her out. A single blow placed wrong could mean the end of her and by the time the fight ends the teen is favoring one leg far more than the other and clenching her left hand tightly to push down the pain of a particularly hard hit that cracked bone. Turning her pained yell into a snarl the gang leader glares at her opponents and once the first turns tail the rest is quick to follow.
“Yah fook off Big Man and dun’ show yr face ‘round ‘ere again ya wuss.”
Facing An the older girl hides her pain behind a smile. “Now den, let’s getcha some’ere safe aight?”
Months go by as they watch yet at the same time it only takes an instant. She sees herself grow healthier, her guard dropping and her trust in Zhi growing firmer to the point she stops trying to look haggard at all and fully entrusts her safety to the rough looking girl. Guilt slowly grows within An’s chest as they get closer to what she knows is going to happen. Her betraying Zhi as well. Tears long run dry she has resigned herself to simply watch what she has done.
‘Good. Witness your sins and learn from them. A shadow is drawn to the light yet a brighter light changes its form.’
She sees her meeting with Mu once more and for the first time since they started bearing witness to her past it does not change what she thinks of it. If anything the feeling simply goes stronger and she finds herself drawn even more to the energetic girl she calls her master.
‘Yet that is not what a shadow is.’
“Open up Zhi. Where’s my fookin’ money ya bitch.” A voice shouts down below right after a loud crash. An can’t find it in herself to panic, after all, Mu is right here. The petite pugilist’s eyes spark. “Stay here, An. I’ll be right back after dealing with this, I got this don’t you worry!” She adds while running out of the room. An looks on as her slightly younger self peeks out through the door just as Mu reaches the stairs. With her spiritual sense now realized she can fully behold her master. Even though she is just walking An can’t help but feel she is stalking her prey. The image of a tiger firmly overlays her and An could swear she briefly caught its eye before Mu focuses her predatory gaze down at the intruders.
Now more than last time it frustrates An that she did as Mu said and didn’t go downstairs. Her sharpened senses manage to pick up the sounds of battle yet she cannot see a single thing. With that she now manages to pick up the once muffled noises of Zhi and Mu arguing over the fate of the captured girl after their victory.
“Get out, dun show yerself here again.”
“Zhi, you can’t be serious! She’s hurt!”
“Traitor’s what the brat is, bi’ch led em here, nah?”
Just like she did. Selfishly prioritizing herself she could’ve gotten both Zhi and everyone she tried to protect killed. One by one names and faces flash through her head. Her mother. The boy she abandoned. The cripple she robbed. The group she left after stealing their bounty. The children within the shack. Horseface. Lanky. Cricket.
Zhi.
‘A shadow changes alongside its master. Yet a shadow that switches loyalties is no shadow at all, it is merely lost and formless. Know that a formless shadow is no shadow at all. A formless shadow is just darkness.’
Darkness. The feeling deep in her chest. She recognizes it now. A hollow feeling that gnaws at her. One she has nearly sunk into many times. She can feel it clearly now, like bile rising in her throat and ants crawling beneath her skin. Like a frosty breeze chilling through thin cloth or something brushing against one’s leg in murky water. Goosebumps cover her arms as she realizes the pit deep inside is growing and threatening to consume her.
‘You stand at a crossroads.’ The immortal repeats once more. ‘You must choose. Will you be a shadow or shall you sink into darkness?’
“I…” An screams and claws at her chest as her insides feel like they have been drenched in acid. Reality shakes while a dark liquid overflows and spills out of her mouth.
‘Choose quickly. I do not have much time left.’
She shouts hard enough it leaves her hoarse. Darkness forms into tendrils that wrap around her limbs yet with each step forward she takes more and more of them are severed.
Flexing her left arm she pulls, straining her muscles to the limit. She betrayed Zhi. That she can never change. But what she can do is make up for it. ‘Seeing the former gang leader take the bait and cross through the portal right before she reaches it the corner of An’s lips curl up’ She’s already begun to do so and she does not intend to stop. The stringy shadows coiled around her arm snap and she pushes on.
Taking a step forward her right leg shakes with exertion. She cannot bring back the dead. She is unlikely to ever find the ones she betrayed in other cities again. So she shall ensure those she knows now do not have to suffer so. She thinks of the smiling faces of the children under Zhi’s care, safe and sound due to Mu’s deal. A deal that would never have happened had she not had a fateful encounter with the energetic girl. Her foot lands with the force of a mountain, the chains obstructing it reduced to dust and then again to nothing.
Leaning forward with her full weight her right hand clenches into a fist. Even now she is still leaning on Gao Mu, reliant on her for everything. For this she shall give her master her unwavering loyalty, now and forever. Her master’s face flashes through her mind and the bindings melt away like snow before the sun, the tightness in her chest dissipating at the same time.
The sudden release nearly causes her to topple forward, stopped only by the tether around her left leg. Nearly solid and taking on an obsidian hue it is this restraint that weighs the heaviest. Dragged along like a ball and chain for her entire life it has encumbered her every step. Her mother’s kind smile as she wipes an ink smudge off her cheek. Her soft voice as she sings her to sleep. The pained twitches she hid by putting on funny acts for her. Memories An has pushed deep into the recesses of her mind. The shadowy strings almost feel like fingers wrapped around her ankle, the ropes like a skinny arm trying to pull the daughter it lost back into its embrace. She can almost see the outline of a form in the pool of pure darkness she has left in her wake. Taking a deep breath she looks forward and vows to never again let it remain forgotten. Even if she has to burden her master for it she shall find her mother again and free her from the wretched place she is in.
The ties around her leg loosen and drop, almost as if they let her go of their own will to let An find a better place. Opening her mouth wide she shouts to the sky.
“...am Gao Mu’s shadow!”
Like an explosion light spreads out from her chest, illuminating the surroundings and creating myriad shadows in the cracks and crevices. A single figure stands before her, the hint of a smile on its face.
‘Well done. An, you can see the memories that exist within qi. It is both a blessing and a burden. Do not let your karma overwhelm you. I wish for nothing more than to teach you in person yet my time grows short.’
The hazy silhouette extends a finger to her forehead.
‘My legacy is yours. Farewell, An.’
“M- may I know your name, Venerable Senior?”
Leaning forward the man whispers into her ear. The sound forever hidden from the world. A secret just for her.
