Chapter Twenty-one

Blame Won't Help Anything

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On a sunny but still chilly mid-morning, amid beds of crocus in every color and trees already showing the tiny buds of new greenery, Kazia practiced knives while Amelys sat on the bench to observe.

To anyone else who had seen this before, nothing would appear any different than usual, but Amelys was not anyone else.

“How is it?” Amelys inquired.

Kazia paused, freezing in position while holding a blade ready to launch.

“In many ways, this is similar to the mental state that comes over me when I must fight,” she replied in a clipped tone, “but then I still have my empathic ability. This is... a colder place, but my focus is even sharper. Can you see how my accuracy has improved?”

“This wouldn't make you a danger to others...?”

“Only to enemies,” Kazia said flatly. “I still know who I am, and who I want to protect.”

She let the knife fly and it landed its target precisely.

Amelys nodded thoughtfully.

“Do you suppose that this formula would allow you to access your ethereal energy?”

'The thought hadn't occurred to me,” Kazia mused. “It might be worth a try.”

Flicking her fingers together, she produced a small orb. She began to spread her fingers to grow it larger, but at an inch and a half, she met with the usual resistance.

Shrugging dispassionately, Kazia threw the orb toward the target, but it only traveled half the distance before dissipating.

“Perhaps not,” she said.

“Would you be willing to attempt spiritual contemplation?” Amelys asked. “If this drug blocks your emotions, perhaps it could prevent the usual obstruction.”

“It's possible,” Kazia agreed.

“Come sit,” Amelys said, waving her over, and Kazia moved to the bench.

“I rarely think anymore about how I might gain access to my energy,” Kazia said, “but I certainly wouldn't mind throwing an orb into Yilina Vysda's face someday.”

“Kazia!” Amelys scolded.

“I'm sorry, Mistress. This tincture seems to make me less mindful of manners. Anyway, I'm glad you thought of it since It's likely I wouldn't”

“It was something Kel said-”

“Oh,” Kazia replied shortly. “Must we speak of him?”

Amelys sighed.

“Kazia, he's only avoiding you as a show for the spies.”

“No,” Kazia said. “He's uncomfortable with me. He's still afraid of me, only for a different reason now.”

“I don't think that's true.”

At that moment, they heard the clank of the garden gate opening and Tamyn came rushing toward them along with a woman in a blue uniform on his heels. Kazia and Amelys both rose to meet them.

“Apologies for the disturbance,” Tamyn said. “This is Agent Silyar from the intelligence office.”

“Thank you for the accommodation, Master Ilianus,” Agent Silyar said. “The Queen requested that I deliver this information to the three of you together. We have received news today that the Valeskan Ambassador was recalled two weeks ago.”

Tamyn drew a sharp breath, staring at the agent momentarily before turning his bewildered gaze to Kazia. He seemed frozen, but Kazia could see the panic in his eyes.

“Without a word to us?” Kazia said blankly.

“We've only learned of it now because Sir Aleryl attempted to set a meeting with the Embassy,” Agent Silyar replied.

Tamyn dropped heavily onto the bench.

Kazia drew a chilly gaze over his stricken expression, but then sat beside him and took his hand.

“Tamyn, when did you meet with him last?” Amelys asked.

“Two weeks,” he answered quietly. “We've been meeting less often since that unexplained movement in the Embassy. I should have met him again tomorrow.”

“We will keep you updated if we learn anything more,” Agent Silyar told them. “You are all cleared for information on this matter.”

“Will the Queen retrieve him?” Kazia asked.

“That... could be difficult just now,” Agent Silyar said, softening her businesslike tone. “The Queen did ask me to extend her apology that this matter couldn't have been concluded more satisfactorily.”

“Mistress, give me the portal,” Kazia said through her teeth.

“Will you excuse us, Agent Silyar?” Amelys said hurriedly. “We'll come to you if there are further questions.”

“Of course,” Agent Silyar replied. “I really am very sorry.”

She gave them all a stiff bow before leaving the garden.

“Kazia, this is exactly why I took that portal away,” Amelys said in exasperation.

“I think I can make it work with Abrizhen,” Kazia said, more to herself than the others. “Do I have anything that he made, though? I don't think I do...”

Tamyn began to speak, but Amelys interrupted.

“He has only gone home,” Amelys asserted. “He won't be in any danger. Don't worry for now.”

“Anywhere near Gorvan, he is in danger,” Kazia snapped.

“No, Kazia, she's right,” Tamyn said, shaking off his petrifaction. “He'll be alright for now. He knows how to handle himself with your father.”

He gave her hand a squeeze. “Is this...?”

“It's fine,” Kazia assured him. “I've taken the Off Switch.”

“Off Switch?” Amelys said, raising an eyebrow. “Ah, now I remember you saying it was like that. Not as poetic as 'Seamist' but I suppose it will do.”

“What has happened?” Kelvaran's voice called from the open gate, startling them all.

“Why did an intelligence officer come?” he asked as he approached.

“Lord Devratha has returned to Valesk,” Amelys told him.

Kelvaran paused and gave Kazia a sympathetic look, but as his eyes fell on Kazia and Tamyn's hands clasped together, his expression darkened. Kazia didn't need her empathic ability to read this face, and her lips turned up with a hint of spite.

“Was his bid for defection a ruse, then?” Kelvaran asked.

“No,” Tamyn said softly. “He wouldn't have gone back willingly.”

He glanced up at Kelvaran, then looked at Kazia with gentle tenderness.

“He didn't want to leave you again.”

“It's my fault,” Kazia said.

“No...”

“Yes. Because I went to Valesk and gave them another avenue to think they could bring me back, there was no longer need for him to be here.”

“Blame won't help anything,” Tamyn said, a slight tremor in his voice. “Don't think of doing anything rash.”

As Kazia nodded her agreement, he withdrew his hand from hers and then stood.

“I need to go,” he said. “I'm returning a few things to the University this afternoon.”

“You can take the day off if you need,” Amelys said warmly. “We can do that later.”

“No, no,” Tamyn replied crisply. “I'd rather keep busy. I'll go see Didia while I'm in town. I doubt she'll know anything, but I can ask. Mistress Amelys, Lord Meratha... Kazia, I'll come see you this evening.”

Kazia nodded again as he turned to go.

Kelvaran watched after him, his eyes narrowing.

“Why is he so upset?” he asked.

“That is none of your business,” Kazia said. “You wanted to know the intel, and you do, so you may resume avoiding me if you must.”

“Kazia...” he replied hesitantly. “Are you alright?”

“So now it's Kazia again, is it, Lord Meratha?” she sniped.

“Who would like tea?” Amelys said suddenly.

She turned away and walked briskly to the pergola to refresh the kettle, intending to allow them some privacy. Kelvaran began to follow her, but suddenly doubled back.

“It isn't as if I'm enjoying this,” he said, his voice somewhat heated. “I'm not avoiding you because I want to.”

Kazia stood to meet his eyes. “Yes, you do want to. You're using this unknown spy as an excuse. You're afraid of me now that you know what I am.”

“No, that's not it -”

“I can feel it! And you know that I can feel it.”

Although Kazia wasn't actually feeling angry thanks to the Off Switch, her austere demeanor gave her such an appearance, and Kelvaran only returned a silently defeated stare.

“Mistress, I'm returning to my room!” she called out. Lowering her voice again she said, “It doesn't matter. I have far more pressing concerns than this just now.”

She turned and made for the gate, but Kelvaran suddenly caught her hand, gently halting her.

“It's because I hurt you,” he said in a low voice. “I'm afraid I'll hurt you again.”

She turned to look at him quizzically.

“When...” she said, still confused. “The truth spell? I forgave you, and I know you won't do that again.”

“No, not...” he answered. “In the safe house. When... when I kissed you.”

Kazia closed her eyes and sighed before opening them again.

“That wasn't your fault,” she said. “You didn't hurt me, those Alchemists did. I just wasn't sufficiently recovered yet.”

“But you have those bouts of illness often,” he countered. “Next time, how will I know... I don't know how to not hurt you.”

“I will tell you,” she said. “Kelvaran, if you could feel things as I do, then you would know how distressing your contrariness can be. I can feel the change in your regard for me. I can also feel that your regard for me is different from day to day.

I can feel that part of you is drawn to me, that part of you even loves me now, but only part. I can feel how your suspicions of me have merely shifted rather than dissolved.

Can you honestly tell me that part of you is not repelled by my ability to know these things?”

“I...” Kelvaran stared at her with a guilty expression.

“It may take some time,” he admitted quietly. “But, Kazia, I'm working on some things now that may help you with this condition -”

“Condition?” she retorted. “I use that word to hide, but it is not a condition. It's just who I am, and who I am is not a disease to be cured.”

“I didn't mean it like... I'm saying this wrong.”

“Perhaps it is best we avoid each other for now,” Kazia said crisply. “You are not ready for this. I don't think I am either.”

She pulled her hand out of his grasp and swiftly left the garden.

“Kazia...” he called as he moved to follow her.

“Kel,” Amelys said from not far behind him. “Let her go. This really isn't the best time.”

Kelvaran turned to her and threw his head back to look up at the clear azure sky, blowing out a loudly audible breath of frustration.

“I am such an idiot,” he muttered.

Amelys patted his shoulder pityingly. “You'll get no argument from me.”

~~~*~~~