Dear God,

When I was young, everything my mom told me was true, completely and totally true. I think it's like when you think the whole world is your house and your neighbors houses, and that somehow you could see everything from the top of a tree.

I think it's the type of truth that as you grow up, it's not true anymore. It's probably the fun of growing up, finding out that the things you had as absolute truth it's just a partial truth or a lie well told. But, honestly, it's not funny at all. It's tragic.

However, I think the most devastating it's not finding out that what your mom told you it's not true, or a partial truth. The more devastating It's found out what your mom makes you do, It's not right.  That what you took, as a truth in your life should not be a duty, should not be an obligation.

I think it's a part of growing up, finding out that your parents, who take care of you, it's not always right. That they don't always have the answers to all questions in the world, that sometimes they are wrong, that sometimes they make mistakes. And it's alright. Because no one is always right, the mistake it's a part of life, that being mistaken it's what happens most of the time.

The people you love it's not always right, and it's alright. The people you love are not perfect, because anyone is perfect, and I think it's the most important thing you need to understand as you grow up.

***

When I was a child, the happiest days were when my mom came home after a war these were my most strong memories from my childhood. I remember feeling so happy, I remember waiting for these days like it was the most important day of my life. It were pure happiness,

It's odd thinking about these days, because It's always after a war. It's always after a war. Not only that, but it's always after thousands of people die, after thousands of people lost someone they loved. My special day was someone else's worst day.

These special days were when my mom and Sun came home, and Ocean, were at home too. Everyone was at home. My family were at home, after so much time away from each other. These were my special days.

As I grew up, I realized that those days should be difficult for my mother. She was a healer, thus she was there, in the middle of a war. She saw so many people die, and tried hopelessly to save the most lives she could, every single life there, and failed, because she could not save everyone there. I imagine people begging her not to let them die there, in a dirty battlefield, with no one that they care about and loved to say goodbye to them. I imagine my mom there, being strong to someone else that was taking the last breath of life. Furthermore, I think seeing someone die and can't do anything to help must be one of the hardest things to witness. It must chase you for all your life and beyond.

***

I will always remember a day between these days. I don't remember how old I was, or my sister and my brother, but I remember I was happy, I think stronger feelings will always stay with you through life. It's after a war, a long war. My mom was away from home for so much time, and I was glad to have her finally at home.

We stay awake until midnight, we never stay up so late, but we are so electric. I remember that my mother told us old stories about lost kingdoms, old tales about merchants and everything they saw in the world, and jokes that made us laugh so hard that we cried. I remember feeling that everything was beautiful, possible, and the whole world was at my fingertips. It's a child's feeling. A child's hope.

I remember looking at Ocean, Sun, and my mom and feeling so grateful for my family. I remember looking at my mom and feeling so thankful that she was alive after the war, because I knew a lot of people died there. Likewise, I knew a lot of my friend's parents died there.

The grateful feeling is so powerful that sometimes it blinds you, principally a child like I was.

Nevertheless, I remember that my mom was different. Sun, Ocean, and I were happy, but she was trying to be happy for us, she was trying to be joyful for us. At that age, I didn't realize it, but now I know she was not okay.

I remember seeing my mother's fingers trembling, I saw it for a few seconds before she hid her hands. I remember being confused about it, and I remember wanting to ask her about it, because I never saw my mom's fingers trembling. I was a child, but I knew it was not normal. Nonetheless, she smiled at me when she saw I had noticed it, and that smile told me everything was okay, and I didn't need to worry about anything. She was my mom, and in my child mind, she knew everything.

I think it's probably because of the war, because whatever happened there, because of what she saw there. Something was not right, she was not fine. I think it's because of everything she saw in the war that she made us take that promise.

It's almost dawn when she came, everything was silent and frozen. We were sleeping. I honestly don't know if she slept that night, but she was agitated, so different from the mom I knew. She woke us up and put us together. I was scared, I remember it, that night was the first night my mother scared me.

That night, she had the most serious conversation she ever had with us. I think she was a few years early, I think she should wait some years, let us be kids for a few more years. However, that conversation still chases me, scares me and makes me question so many things in my life.

“I want you to know that someday, sooner than I would like, the three of you would need to make things that you would not like, it would be bad, wrong and probably would make you feel terrible about yourself. It would happen, I know it, and I feel so sorry that I can't do anything to help you, to save you, because I am your mother, and it's my work to save you, but I can't. I can't do anything,” she started to cry, she cried so hard that for a moment I thought that I had lost my mom somewhere, that I could not take her to home again. “The bad things would come, and we can't do anything to avoid it. But I want you, the three of you, to promise me that you would always stay together, the three of you would always fight for your brother and sisters. I need you to promise me that you would always stand by your family, no matter what, no matter who. Because we are a family, and family supports each other, right?” I remember she was crying, but she was tense and more serious than I ever saw her. That moment, my mom looked like the scariest warrior in the world. “Promise me, please.”

We promised to her. The three of us. We promised to always fight and protect our family. We promised to always stand by our family, no matter what, no matter who. We promised to do everything to protect and save our family. The three of us promised everything she asked us and more, because we were family, and family makes everything for each other, no matter what.

***

That promise stayed in my head my entire life. Each piece of my life could change, but that promise was immutable, it's like a rune in a stone, always there, never changing, never going away.

That was a promise, it's not an oath connected to magic or blood, or anything more that does not permit that we make anything against it. It's just a promise that we can, or not, respect, it doesn't have any punishment. It's just a promise. But this promise still chases me, to me, it's a powerful commitment, just like an oath. And it always makes me think about it, we were children when we promised to stay together and stand by each other, thus we don't know what we are promising at that time. We were children, and my mom made us promise something that we ever knew if we would want in the future. It was not the time. It is not the moment.

I will always stay with my family, I will always fight for Ocean and Sun. But that promise I made when I was a child bothers me and makes me fidget, because I don't know what it does mean in the long term.

After my mother died, I stayed so angry with her. What she did so many years ago made me mad with her, because I was a child, I didn't have a choice. Today, I think I was mad at her because I didn't want to accept that she was dead. I don't want to accept that she will never come back home, that I will never see her again, and that I will probably never see her body. She was lost on a battlefield in a nation so far from my home. I was angry with her because she was not perfect, I was angry with her because she was not that mother I saw when I was a kid. She was not perfect. Period.

My mother made a mistake when she made us take that promise, and for a long time it bothers me and makes me question my mom in a lot of situations. But after a lot of time I accepted that she has made mistakes and if she was alive she probably will make a lot more of it. Just like I made it and I will do it. She was my mom, she made mistakes, and she was not flawless, but I still love her and I will always love her. Just as I love my brother and sister, and I know that they made, and will make mistakes, but I still love them, and I will do everything for them, because they are my family.

***

Dear God, thank you for listening to me. Please, give me the wisdom I need to make good decisions to protect my family. Please, give me the strength I need to stand by them. And please give us a good night of sleep. That’s what I ask you and appreciate, God.