“My queen, if I may ask, do you have any skills, training, or strategy for our coming battle? Do you know anything about the Art of War?” Asks Kane.

Karen, still on drugs, stared off into the distance with a glassy eyed flashback look. “Yes, Kane. I fought in one of the longest wars in all of mankind. I was there like three thousand years ago. I was there the day the strength of men failed, and drugs won the war on drugs.

It all started with The Smoking Opium Exclusion Act of 1909. We saw these asian kids building railroads for us while smoking opium and it looked like fun. Everyone was into locomotives back then and smoking opium became part of the train culture.

Anyways, the fad kinda faded when the conductors who drove the trains had to stop smoking. People made up a smoking game where they would get high and pretend to be trains and run into each other.

Two teams of people would take deep drags from their pipes, line up, and put their hands on the shoulders of the guy in front of them. Then they would all scream ‘Choo Choo!’ and exhale the smoke like trains and run towards the other team and crash into each other. They later added a ball and this game evolved into the sport we now know as football. We had a lot of train accidents back then, I wonder why.

Then came the Prohibition in 1920. The enjoyers of drugs sensed the tides turning against them. They could see it in the beer, feel it in the hops, smell the fermentation in the air. Much was about to be lost but none could remember it because of all the drugs they did. The future of drugs seemed doomed.

When all hope was lost, Frodo Delenor Roosevelt, “FDR”, a polio player of great skill, rode his horse Samwise into congress on the dawn of the 5th day, carrying the 21st amendment to the Constitution ending Prohibition.

The wicked prohibitionists were driven into Utah, the Mordor of the Americas, by FDR and Samwise while carrying the glowing brew of Eärendil, their most beloved beer. Utah, remains to this day, a cursed land of salt lakes, goblins, aliens, and mormons where you can not buy alcohol on Sundays.

But they were all deceived, for Nixon forged in secret a master law, to control and end all drugs. And into this law, he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all drugs. Nixon went on to create the Drug Enforcement Agency headed by his half goblin, half human abomination, Jeff Sessions.

They were all defeated when Elvis, the elf bard, betrayed Nixon to do all the drugs. Some say that Elvis or his spirit still lives on, still doing all the drugs to reduce the total amount of drugs in the world. 

Enough history, my meth is wearing off. Like I said, Drugs won the war on drugs because people like drugs better than their government. People like to abuse drugs but people don't like being abused by their government.

I lost my train of thought. Now what were we talking about? Martial arts?”

Stunned by his queen’s drug facts, Kane blinked for a few seconds as he experienced in rapid succession; dry eyes, dizziness, diarrhea, dry mouth, headache, insomnia, skin rash, vomiting, and flu-like symptoms then said, “yes my Queen, if I may, I would like to examine your character sheet.”

“Oh hell no, you rat bastard. You're trying to do some identity theft aren't you? Looking up my age and making fun of my sizes.” -Karen barks.

“Nope, just want to know where in the rat swarm you want to fight, boss. Are you a front like brawler/biter, midrange DPS, or backline support/buffer?”

“That first part I get, no idea what those other two are. So ya, I guess I'll fight up front.” -Karen.

“Very well then, we rats fight as a swarm. Maybe a little different from the brawling that you are used to. It may look chaotic with our overwhelming numbers but each member does have a role. May I teach you some of our basic rat classes?”

“Sure shoot.” -Karen.

“Our front line fighters are Plage Pugilists as our DOT DPS, Rats Of Unusual Size are our taunt tanks, and Kangarats are our dodge tanks. In the middle of the swarm are the DPS, the rats that do maximum damage per second. They include Rat Rock Throwers, who throw rocks. Magician Mice, who do magic. They can appear out of any hat. They scare and distract our targets if they are wearing hats, leaving our prey open to takedowns. Then there are the Rogue Rats that attack weak points for massive damage. Mostly the eyes and groin. At the rear are our Rat Ritualists, they do the healing and hokus pokus to make us fight slightly better.

I was an alum of the ROUS school of combat before I became the rat king. Here let me show you my attack moves.”

Kane squeaks and slaps his tail on the ground causing an impressive sonic boom to taunt and draw attention. Then performs a not so impressive lunge into the air to do a body slam, followed by a bunch of kicks and karate chops.

“Amazing right?” -Kane.

Karen squints and looks behind Kane into the rat mob. “Are you sure you are not training any teenage mutant ninja turtles down here? Alright everyone, show me your moves. Put on a show for me!”

The smoke break became a miniature circus with rats of all shapes, colors, and sizes running around doing flips and tricks.

*SKILL UNLOCKED* PALE IMITATION. By watching rats do ridiculous things you can now copy them. Also because you did not get enough vitamin D from sunshine in your last life.

*SKILL UPGRADED* PALE IMITATION => KUNGFLU. You were patient zero in destroying all human and animal life on Earth in your last life.