“Before we agree to this arrangement, let me ask you this, what’s in this for you Slothman? How do we know this is not some fancy way for you to kill us off to keep us quiet?” asked Travis.
“You may not believe me kids, but I care a lot. But If you must have a reason, then consider the bonus I paid you as an investment in the future. As you can see, or rather not see by these empty halls, we are in dire need of adventurers.”
“Keep you kiddos quiet about what? Nevermind, forget that I asked. Let's just start with introductions. So who wants to go first?” -Qi.
The Ratboys looked at him suspiciously then each other. “We will agree to a trial run with this loss prevention quest but no funny business,” says Tyrone.
As they head out the front door towards the sandwich shop, Qi says, “I know what we can do, let's play an icebreaker game. I will make guesses about you two and you tell me if I am right or wrong. Then you do the same.”
“I’ll go first. From your rubberized outfits, I know for sure that you two are from the local catholic adventurer orphanage.” -Qi.
The Ratboys nod.
“That was an easy guess. My turn. So your friends with Slothman from college and you went to China for your weird class. I will guess that you are one of those weeaboo weirdos who betray their country and culture,” accused Travis with patriotic disdain.
“Well kids, sometimes in life you just have to be your true self no matter what other people say and do to you. Lots of bias, discrimination, and hate in this world, but you can’t let that stop you from chasing your dreams,” answered Qi.
Inspired by Qi’s speech, Tyrone blurts out, “I’m a bard, my dream is to make the greatest mixtape and sing the greatest song in the world.”
“More power to you young man, It’s not easy surviving those Catholic residential schools. Saw the reports on TV about the mass graves they found under a few of them. I can see why Noret is helping you kids. The lot of you are survivors, tough enough to take on the world and make it a better place.” -Qi.
“Australia is the greatest country in history since America. I don’t understand why you would want to leave to study some inferior culture,” said Travis.
“The world is a big place kiddo. You're young and short, so you haven't seen all that much of it. Haha,” laughed Qi as they turned a corner into the fancier part of town. “Looks like we are here.”
The sign above the restaurant read: Dungeon Way Sandwiches.
They pushed open the doors and walked into the fancy dungeon themed restaurant. The staff were all dressed up as heros and demon lords wearing oversized shoulder pads. The food was also dungeon themed, with a variety of monster meats on the menu.
The manager walks up to them, eyes them up and down and in a snobbish voice says, “excuse me gentlemen but we are a family restaurant and we have a dress code here. The sex dungeon toy shop is down the street.”
Qi looked at the rude maitre-d name tag. “Yes I know Nixia, but we are here to take care of your D&D problem if you know what I mean,” said Qi. Who then produced his adventurer ID.
“Oh, my humble apologies brave adventurers. Right this way, if you will follow me,” said Nixia, who had instantly turned from hostile to friendly. He led them to a window table with an excellent view of the restaurant close to the door. “May I take your order? Per terms of our request, one entree is on the house but drinks are extra.”
Qi looks at the menu, “Dam-me! Look at those drink prices! $5 for a cola?!” No wonder people were doing Dine and Dashes here. “I’ll have the Tasmanian Tiger steak in tartar sauce on gluten free bread and water please.”
Before Tyrone could order the Dodo Omelet Surprise on rye, a rowdy gang of teenagers walked in the front door. They were dressed like very clean beggars. Each of them wore at least one piece of flannel and a beanie hat despite the hot weather.
The patrons of the busy restaurant looked at the newcomers in fear and started whispering the “V” word as they abandoned their meals and rushed for the exits.
“Oh heavens, things just got a lot more complicated. Those aren't D&D’s, they are vegans. A truly terrifying ideology, they reject half of their humanity as omnivores and hate their fellow man even more than the monsters hate us. Truly our own worst enemies made manifest,” monologs Qi.
He turned towards the terrified waiter. “Well since we are already here, we will still do the job IF you comp us for ALL of our drinks.”
Nixia instantly agreed, then crawled under the table to hide.
“Have you boys ever fought Vegans before?” Asked Qi.
The boys shake their heads.
“They are a huge pain in the ass. That's why everyone runs away. This will be a good learning experience for you two. Get ready to fight, just follow my instructions and lead.”
The adventurers get up and stand in front of the vegans, blocking their way further into the restaurant.
“Step aside misguided adventurers, we have no beef with you,” said the lead vegan, a beanpole of a woman.
“Sorry shelah, no can do. They hired us to stop you.”
“So be it! I challenge you to honorable Turn Based Combat!” said the Beanpole.
Two of the vegans dressed in black and white flannels stepped forward and pushed the tables and chairs out of the way. When they were done, the middle of the restaurant looked like a proper location for a brawl, with a background of stacked tables and chairs straight out of a fighting game.
Striking a pose, the vegan shouted, “I roll for initiative!”
One of the black and white vegans threw a die into the middle of the impromptu arena and rolled a 20.
“Lady luck is on our side! Vegans for victory!” The Beanpole shouted. She pulls a ukulele out of her bag and steps forward to sing a song about how farmers are raping cows to steal their milk and eat their babies. It was a difficult song to endure, because the vegan’s class skills were slowly twisting the thoughts of the adventurers.
“Ouch, a powerful opening. The dairy dirge, going to have a hard time drinking milk for a while,” said Qi. “Listen closely kids, they don’t teach you this in school. Words sung, spoken, or written have great power. They can inspire, strengthen, and lead us to victory. In the wrong hands, they can be used to control our very thoughts.”
Qi then stepped forward and did a weird interpretive dance, then to the surprise of all, popped off the top and bottom of his spear to turn it into a didgeridoo. He played and danced songs of aboriginal hunter and gatherer societies that celebrated both predator and prey.
Hour upon endless hour, the song and dance battle continued as the vegans took turns in an attempt to wear down and defeat Qi. But his circle of life defense was a very effective counter to the vegan’s value of life attacks. He used the power of nature itself to counter the vegan skills that were based upon a privileged post-scarcity society that no longer existed for anyone except them.
When the sun finally set, the last vegan fell and the adventurers were victorious. “You haven’t seen the last of us adventurers!” yelled the Vegans as they picked up their fellows and left.
“So what did you learn?” asked Qi, looking at the boys.
Travis pointed at the pile of empty Fosters beer cans. “Always ask for free drinks when working at a restaurant. Why that brand anyways? Tastes like something only vegans would drink.”
“Hey! Fosters is a great brand. If you drink enough of them, just before you black out, you can imagine you had foster parents.”
“That was a terrible joke and particularly mean spirited to use against us orphans,” said Tyrone.
“Is that all you learned?” asked Qi.
“No, that song and dance battle was unlike anything we’d ever seen,” said Tyrone.
“As the stakes go up and the rewards of victory go down, sometimes the more enlightened opt for ritualized Turn-Based Combat (TBC). The uncensored history books I've read overseas speculate that TBC originated from before the first Trump Empire, with roots originating from video games, rap battles, and break dancing. But that is a story for another time,” said Qi.
“What’s a video game?” asked Travis.
“Wait, you two have never played video games?” -Qi.
“No, we watched tv for the very first time earlier today. Sister Wing at the orphanage did not allow us to watch tv or play any games for that matter. She said it would rot our brains. Like reading the junk on RR and scribble hub did to the kids of the 2nd Trump Empire.” -Travis.
“Well let's get your brains properly rotted then! I’ll treat you boys to the Arcade down the street by the Sex Dungeon shop.” -Qi.
