The Girl That Could Not Cry

Marlene knew that she was cursed. From the moment she was born she took the life of her dearest mother. It was because of her that her already ill mother died. From the moment she was born into this world. She was taught that she was a cursed child. A bastard of a disgraced Prince. Nothing more than a bargaining chip for the sake of her imperial family.

She knew what she was and what she was going to be.

But darkness cannot exist without light. And in that darkness she saw her light. She recalled that fateful day. That lovely morning where the sun was shining brightly. The drapes of her windows flutter about. She opened the doors and boldly declared that one day she would come get her out.

She held onto those words like her salvation.

Hands rested on her chest in perpetual prayer.

Eight years of war.

All for the sake of getting her out. She also knows that it wasn’t solely her fault that the war was caused by her. But there are times where her demons would tell her that it was her fault. That all this suffering was because she was going to be saved. But even with these demons she couldn’t find it in her heart to give up.

Knowing that salvation was near.

Knowing that one day her Mama Mildred would come for her.

And she did. She came not with a sword but a rifle. Leading her soldiers she was rescued and was taken away from the confines of her castle. For once she saw the outside world. A world so broken by war. The starving people. The downtrodden civilians who thought to themselves that their nation lost.

A great war unlike anything the world had seen. A great war that caused so much pain and suffering to the heart of the people that everything seemed so gray and lifeless to them.

Nonetheless her heart was filled and fluttering. She enjoyed the days where her Mama would spoil her rotten. Her lovely smoky voice and stern lectures. She loved how she looked at her. How her tone changes when she’s hurt. It has been a few weeks since she was freed from her birdcage.

She met kind old men and women who in their heart could not allow a young child to die within so little time. It was their duty to help her. And even as those who would try to exploit her again to bring back the old royalty. These kind people had sacrificed themselves in hopes that she could live on freely -- even if she didn’t have so much time left in this world.

Marlene didn’t understand.

Was a small and short life worth the price of the life of those kind folks? She didn’t understand. No, she wanted to understand if that was right. If her life was worth the sacrifice that needed to be paid.

Marlene didn’t want to tell anyone her thoughts. Not when her dearest Mama would worry about her endlessly. Marlene knew that she held on to her because of the promise she had made with her mother. That her love for her mother outweighed the love she had for the Empire and the people who were going to be trampled because of her.

She was not the sole reason.

But as she ponders in the dark with her blanket half-covering her face. Marlene started to question if her life truly had that worth. Of course, she knew it herself that to never say these things to her dearest mother.

I must keep them to myself.

I must not tell mama about this.

She convinced herself.

That tinge of happiness.

That fluttery feeling didn’t last long.

She knew that one day she would pass on. She could feel her body erode. Every cell in her body itching and hurting as this unknown disease hurt her. Marlene was strong. But as time passes and she embraces the warmth and kindness of her Mama Mildred. She thought to herself how awful it was. That in the warmest days of her life. Where she was not confined and isolated, afraid of the dark.

She would find her life ending. The strong girl named Marlene stood bravely. But the little girl that found her happiness going away soon sobbed. Heart crying madly. Clenched fists and a breaking heart.

Afraid that her Mama would scorn her. Marlene did not want to show weakness. She did not want to be seen as a weak child. She didn’t want to let go of her brave face. The brave face she cultivated in the name of her survival. She didn’t want to let go of it. She didn’t want her Mama to see the crying girl.

And yet when the night is dark. Where shadows crawl under the light of the lamps of her room. She would find herself holding on to herself. Recalling the songs of the starry skies her nanny sang to her everyday until they found a way to get rid of her.

It soothed her soul.

It calmed her heart.

Sleep was something she did not look forward to.

Why sleep when she has so little time left? Why sleep when she could use that time to watch the stars during the night? Marlene wanted more time. She wanted more time to see the world she did not have time to see because of her confinement. And when she’s finally out she doesn't have time. It felt unfair and there were times where she wanted the little girl in her to scream that this was not fair. That, why she had to be given such a gift when she was nearing the end of her life.

I wanted to be with Mama. I want to see the south with Mama. I want to repay Mama. I want to see the mountains. I want to see more than this. I don’t want to die. Mama, I’m so scared. I don’t want to die.

The little girl’s mind would ask when night comes.

 

As her disease progresses. Where she felt herself feeling much more badly. She heard from her Mama that a Doctor was coming to see her. This Doctor was the son of the kind wrinkly doctor that took care of her. The doctor who stayed with his friends in order to protect himself.

He was a soldier, said her mother. That he was coming to take care of her. Marlene was curious about the son of that kind doctor. When he arrived she took a peek with the help of the servant of the villa. He was a tall man with brown hair and green eyes. He wore a coat and looked like a statue.

Her Mama spent time talking with the Doctor.

When it was the next day. The Doctor came to visit her. She was quite scared since the Doctor was rather tall. And his eyes were so cold when he was walking to her. She was waiting near the white open-air building where she was sitting to watch the sea.

She saw the Doctor’s expression melt. He went down on knee and placed a palm on his chest. “I am called Karl Von Alden. It’s nice meeting you, little madam.”

“Are… you Doctor Alden’s son.”

“Yes, I am.”

“I’m sorry. Because of me… they died.”

Doctor Karl looked at Marlene without a flicker of emotion. She closed her eyes, afraid of seeing his face.

“It’s okay, Madam.”

“What?”

He leaned a little closer. “Madam, my father was kind, no?”

Marlene nodded.

“That he is. My father, no, my foster father took me in. He was my light. He was my warmth and the only person who would dare to take in an orphan like me. He raised me to have strength and responsibility. He was not a great father, truthfully. He did not spoil me as I would like. He was always busy. Trying to mend those who suffer. Not caring for who he might leave behind. My father was good at what he did. Isidor and Father couldn’t stand still when there was a need for them to heal people.”

“Do you not miss them?”

The Doctor sat cross-legged next to her wheelchair. He stared at the horizon with glassy eyes and a lowered head.

“I would be a liar. I am a soldier more than I am a Doctor. Little Madam. And I understand that the company wanted to sacrifice their life. Not one life is less than another.”

“It’s not fair. They could have lived longer than me.”

“Indeed, perhaps, if they weren't such stubborn fools they would have died in their sleep.”

It wasn’t something that one should say to a child. But she got the feeling that she wasn’t exactly being treated like one. He did not speak of false hopes. He did not try to make her feel like she was ill.

“Doctor Karl, I am afraid.”

“Nothing wrong with that. I’m here to ease your pains until the time that you have left.”

“Is there nothing that can save me, Doctor?”

“There is none. From what I’ve seen there is no known cure for your disease. Perhaps, in the latter years, there might be progress, but our technology is far underdeveloped to find a cure.”

“Doctor, do you know how terrible you are for saying this?”

“I’m sorry. I can’t lie so easily. And I think you are smart enough to know.”

“You are so mean…”

Doctor Karl said nothing.

“Doctor.”

“Yes?”

“Don’t tell me Ma I’m afraid.”

“I won’t. It’ll be a secret to us.”

“Thank you.”

“You are welcome.”

He paused for a while. He behaved as if he was thinking something that bothered him.

“I wish I could have done something more than ease your pain, little madam. But I can only do little with how little I am as a Doctor.”

“It’s okay. I understand.”

“You are a smart and wise, little madam. I cannot cure you, Madam. But I know that you don’t want to be seen. I can be your shoulder to cry on. I am after all your physician for the coming days. We’ve just met but think of me as someone  you can lean on and share your pain with.”

It sounded strange to Marlene. But she didn’t hate it. She didn’t feel like it was a bit much.

She was glad that she was not pitted.

Not told how she was such an unfortunate little child for having so little time left in the world. Marlene found herself staring blankly. And the dams of her eyes broke. She reached out her eyes and found it strange.

She did not cry when she was in the castle.

Not when the doctors sacrificed themselves for her.

Pitiful child.

Unfortunate girl.

Poor you.

She hated those words. She hated the pity that came from their mouths. And yet hearing some blunt words from a Doctor she barely knew somewhat soothed her. She looked down and hid herself. She raised her hands up and instinctively prepared herself for a slap to find her.

It did not. Only the warmth of the sun and the cool salty wind caressed her. She felt a gentle hand on her back. It was a rough strong hand patting her gently. 

In the end she found herself afraid.

Afraid of the coming dark.

She didn’t want to lose the light and warmth she found.

She liked to pretend that she was strong. To pretend that none could hurt her so that no one one would. If she just remains strong then perhaps she’ll be able to get through this like always.

And yet she knew that her light would soon end.

She did not want more pity or a look of sadness.

Marlene simply wanted someone to understand and tell her truthfully. That she did not have time. Not tell her that it was going to be okay.

She didn’t want to hope.

Not when this time she truly didn’t have a way out.