Shan

 

I step out into the freezing courtyard, closing the door behind me and leaving Jinhai to sleep.  Halfway to the main building, the memories of the night hit me all at once and nearly bring me to my knees.  I don’t know what I was expecting:  shyness, hesitation, even fear.  But not this passionate outpouring of sensuality that has ignited a similar passion in me.  No-one’s ever given me pleasure like this before, but then I’ve never before felt this savage possessiveness.  He’s mine.  I feel bound to him.

It takes me a minute to pull myself together.  When I go in, I find Shao Ru in the common-room eating breakfast.  He looks up.  “Better now?”

“Much better.” I put my hand briefly on his shoulder as I sit down. “Thanks.”

“Any time.  I aim to please.”

Unusually for him, he asks no further questions.  Instead, he says, “There’ll be snow soon.  We’d better get those fortifications finished.  Then we can hunker down till the spring with nothing to worry about except the men mutinying from boredom.”

We spend a very cold morning out on the plateau, where a deep encircling ditch now protects the back of the Palace.  The men are digging holes for the pointed stakes which will be embedded in the ditch. A causeway crosses the ditch and a look-out post has been built nearby. 

By some mysterious process, the news about Jinhai and me has spread widely by the time we come in for the midday meal.  There are grins and nudges and whispering, but the general atmosphere seems to be approving, even envious.

It seems like we have to eat all the time to keep warm in this weather.  Shao Ru and I are having lunch when Liang Zhou bursts in, his face red with indignation.

“Have you seen the Prince this morning?  This really is too much!  You have to do something about it.”

“About what?” Shao Ru says in surprise.

“He came in halfway through the morning with – with marks all over his neck.  It’s Qin Feng, isn’t it?”

Liang Zhou never listens to gossip and is therefore always the last to know what’s going on.

“Well no, it’s not Qin Feng,” Shao Ru leans back in his chair with an unholy glint in his eyes.

“If it’s not Qin Feng, then who is it?” Liang Zhou demands.  He looks at Shao Ru’s face and then at mine and his eyes widen.

“No, no.  Please don’t tell me it’s you.”

“Not guilty,” says Shao Ru, putting both hands up in denial.

Liang Zhou’s eyes fasten on me and his face becomes even redder.  “Are you completely out of your mind?”

Both Shao Ru and I know Liang Zhou’s wife.  She’s a devoted, competent, infinitely patient woman, but she’s not the kind to inspire a grand passion.  I wonder if he’s ever known the kind of intense feelings that I experienced last night.  Something must be showing on my face, because Liang Zhou almost yells, “Are you even listening?”

I rise to my feet.  “Yes, I am.  Ah-Zhou, this is between Jinhai and me.  No-one else.”

“You’re his commanding officer.”

“Not any more,” says Shao Ru smartly.

“You’ve seduced a member of the Imperial family.”

“Ah-Zhou, try and understand.  It’s done.  I love him.  He’s in my blood and bones.  For life.”

“But is it mutual?” he demands, unwilling to let it go.

“Yes it is.”  Another voice interrupts us.  It’s Jinhai. He comes in, walks over and stands beside me.  We face Liang Zhou shoulder to shoulder.

“I feel the same way, completely,” he says.  “And I seduced him, not the other way round.”

Liang Zhou’s really struggling with this, but he pulls himself together and says with as much dignity as he can muster, “In that case, there’s nothing I can say.  I – I wish you both well.”

We watch him leave, defeat in every step.  I hook an arm round Jinhai’s neck and pull his head against mine.  He laughs, reaches up and kisses my cheek.

“I’ll go and talk to him,” he says. “He’ll come round.”

And off he goes, smiling that devastating smile over his shoulder.

“Fuck me,” says Shao Ru wonderingly. “The little bundle’s turned into a fox.  What did you do?  No, on second thoughts, don’t answer that.  Will you be able to stand the pace?”

“I’ll just have to try and do my best,” I say solemnly.  “I didn’t expect this from Ah-Zhou.  He’s like a father with a marriageable daughter.”

“Hmmm,” says Shao Ru, “I rather think that he isn’t entirely immune to the little bundle’s charms.”

I stare.  This hadn’t occurred to me.

“Think about it,” Shao Ru goes on.  “His marriage was arranged.  His wife’s a nice lady but no looker.  He’s been away from home for months and he never goes to pleasure-houses.  And the little bundle’s something special.  Ah-Zhou’s feeling confused.”

“He’d better get over it,” I say, frowning.

When I get back to the Black Snake compound that evening, snow has started to fall.  For the first time since I was a child, I have someone to come home to.  The little house is isolated from the rest of the compound, though servants appear when required.  Hot bath-water’s brought, followed by dinner.  It’s so damn cold that even in bed, we need our fur cloaks.  But Jinhai kneels behind me and gently pulls the wolf-skin cloak and the robe under it down from my shoulders.

“What are you doing?”

“Something I’ve wanted to do for a long time,” he says and I feel his lips warm against the old scar on my neck.  The sensation makes me shiver.

“This is a bad one,” he murmurs, “Not a sword-cut.”

“Axe.  Skirmish in the badlands.”

His lips wander to another of my battle scars.  “When I was looking after your injuries,” he says softly, “I wanted to kiss every one of these scars and now I’m going to do it.”

“Every one?”

“Every one.  Lie face down.”

I obey and he makes his way down my back, his tongue flicking out now and then.  No-one has ever taken care of me like this before.

“Turn over,” he says and again, I obey.  His hands and lips linger at my chest and I can’t repress a sigh of pleasure.  Then he explores on downwards.

“You’re enjoying this,” he says with a chuckle.

I can’t deny it.  The evidence is under his hand.  I pull him into my arms and stifle his laughter with my mouth.

Later that night, I come awake in the darkness, aware of a strange sound.  I sit up and light a candle.  Jinhai’s lying facing away from me, but the sounds are coming from him, sounds of pain.  His face is contorted.  Alarmed, I bend over him, but quickly realize that he’s dreaming.  His head turns from side to side, he gasps, “No, No,” and then comes awake with a cry of panic.

I grasp him and hold him tight.  “It’s all right, it’s all right.  You were dreaming.”

He’s dazed from the dream and takes a moment or two to realize where he is.  Then he grips me and buries his face in my chest.  I stroke his hair and murmur to him, just as I did on that night long ago when he ran away.  Finally he relaxes a little and lifts his head.  I get up and pour us both a cup of tea.  It’s cold, but that doesn’t matter.  We settle back into bed.  He leans back in my arms, his eyes closed, the wolf-skin cloak around us.

“Do you get these dreams often?”

“Used to.  Not so much any more.”

“Tell me about them.”

“It’s always the same one.  I’m in the Palace and I can’t get out.  I run and run and there’s no-one around and no matter how far I run, or where, I just keep coming up against a blank wall.  There’s no escape.”

“But you did escape,” I push the hair back off his face and drop a kiss on his temple.  “You’re here, with me.”

“For how long?” His voice is quiet. “What happens when you’re recalled?  How can we stay together?”

This conversation was inevitable sooner or later.

“I have a plan,” I say.

“Tell me.”

“When we were at Eagle Rock, Lord Zhao told me something.  He said I could tell you when I thought it was the right time.”

“Something about me being his son?”

As ever, his acuteness takes me by surprise.  “You know?”

“I guessed.  There was something in his expression when I said I was born two weeks early.  Is it true?”

“It’s a possibility.  There’s no way to be sure.  But what he said was that if you ever find the Imperial burden too heavy, it might be useful to claim him as your father.”

“Renounce my title as Prince and become an ordinary citizen named Zhao?”

“That’s the idea.  So, we’re a fighting unit and sooner or later we’ll be replaced by a regular garrison, but nothing will happen till the spring.  At that time, you could write a letter to the Emperor and I’ll take it with me and present it to Prime Minister Li.  Then I’ll leave the army and come back for you.  In the meanwhile you could go and stay with Lord Zhao at Eagle Rock.”

“You’d leave the army?”  He sits up and turns round to face me.

“I’ve been thinking about it more and more after what’s happened here.  I’m sick of being jerked around by everybody.  I want to be my own man again.”

“Well, it might work,” he says, considering.  “Do you think they’ll let me go?”

“Why not?  You wouldn’t be a threat any more.”

“It’s a personal thing with Xu Yating.  She hates me.”

“If they refuse, we’ll think of another way.  In any case, I’ll come back for you.”

He settles back into my arms and sighs.  “We’d still be separated.”

“Yes, but only for three or four months.  After that, we’ll be together.”

“For life,” he says.

“For life.”

After a while, he says sleepily, “I think I might really be Lord Zhao’s son.  Because of the nose.”

“What?”

“I haven’t got the Imperial nose.  My father and brothers all have it.  Have you ever seen them?”

“Not close up.”

“They’ve all got beaks.  I’m the only one that doesn’t. And it would explain why my mother loved me so much.  Would she have done that if I were the child of what amounted to rape?  Whereas if I were her lover’s child…..”

He dozes off, smiling.

The snow continues to fall.  We haven’t much to do in these cold dark months:  we keep watch on the plateau and make sure that the road down the mountain’s kept clear of snow.  The Tibetans don’t bother us.  I think this is because after the battle, a Tibetan shaman came to ask for the return of his people’s bodies, and I thought it wise to agree.  For the rest of it, up here in the city, all we have to do is eat, sleep and keep warm.  Traders still come up from the valley with furs and meat and firewood, and the town has its own life, so the soldiers don’t get too bored.  I keep them busy with sword and combat practice and when the weather’s clear, we go out on the plateau and shoot arrows at kites or risk our arms and legs tobogganing or learning to run on snow-shoes.  Messages still come and go between Qiu City and Border Town, but there’s no word from the capital.  For Jinhai and me, life’s idyllic.  We work during the day and in the evening we retire to our private space and play our love games.  I’ve never been happier and neither, I think, has he.    New Year comes and we join in the festivities and celebrate Jinhai’s nineteenth birthday at the same time.  We know that changes will come with the spring, but spring seems a long way off.

And so the winter passes.