“Emy wait!” I screamed as I sat up from bed. It has been a week since that day. Ever since the nightmares have come daily. Every day I wake up with tears in my eyes and I don’t even know why. That heathen was gone, I should be happy, I should celebrate but all I feel is this uncomfortable feeling in my chest. 

If she wanted to kill herself why show me, why say all that! I just wish to forget but I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about her, about our childhood. How she would always come to my rescue when a particularly big bug would scare me. How she shared her favorite colours with me. How she helped me overcome my fear of ghosts and the dark even though she was fearful herself.

It hurt, my chest hurt. Each memory felt like a knife stabbing my heart and I hated it. Why did I feel bad for her? She had gone against the word of god. She was a bad person and she deserved to die and yet I can’t help but doubt all that. I took a deep breath before getting out of bed. 

A cool shower helped me clear my head as I went to eat breakfast before attending school. The day went by in a blur. I couldn’t concentrate as I went back again to those old memories. Coming home didn’t help either as I couldn’t help but remember how we played around. We would solve puzzles together in the living room. Back inside my room I smiled as I remembered how we used to fight pillow when she stayed over.

I felt stupid. I wanted to forget and here I was remembering all those memories. I laughed at myself as a single tear ran down my cheek. I couldn’t believe I was crying for her. Frustrated, I walked to my closet wanting to put on my pajamas and go to sleep. While doing so I noticed my old pink box of treasures. 

Opening it I glanced inside to see my treasures. First off was a round smooth stone Emy had given to me when we were four. She said it was pretty and gave it to me even though she really liked it. My first treasure. 

Then I saw a drawing of us. She had made it for me saying that we would always be the bestest of friends. At that moment I felt my throat close up. She had smiled so brightly that day I couldn’t help but smile at myself. My second treasure.

Below the drawing was a bracelet with Emy written on it. She had made it herself and made one with my name for herself. She said that as long as we wore it we would never be truly apart. I took it out of the box as a tear fell on the palm that held it. We promised to each other that we would never take it off. Emy never did. Even that night she had it on. My third treasure. 

Finally a torn envelope with a letter inside sat at the bottom. With shaking hands I took it. This letter had been her confession letter. Back then I felt happy, no that is an understatement. When I read it I felt joy like I had never felt before. I was so happy I told my parents. They told me to never speak to Emy again. They told me same sex relationships were forbiden by god. They told me, Emy would go to hell. 

I felt scared. I didn't want to go to hell. I listened to them and I felt afraid and disgusted. They told me Emy was evil. They told me she wanted to tempt me. They said that I should never accept such a thing or I would be tortured in hell for the rest of eternity. I hurt Emy because I was afraid. The letter is my fourth and final treasure.

The barrier I had built around my heart crumbled. The mask I had worn for the past two years went up in smoke. All that disgust, all that hate I had convinced myself I felt for Emy disappeared only leaving behind my broken and torn apart heart. The love I had so thoroughly hidden from myself resurfaced.  

I decided to read the letter again even though my blurry vision from the tears would make it quite difficult.  

Uhm Hi I guess. I don’t know where to start with this. I am quite nervous and I just decided to write whatever came to mind. So, I guess I should start from the beginning. Ellie, We have been friends for as long as I can remember. Being with you has always been fun and my happiest memories ever are with you. 

Holding hands with you has always made my heart all fluttery and your smile sends jolts of happiness all over my spine. When we were twelve you consoled me when I scraped my knee and told me that it would be fine. I felt better because you were with me. 

I admire you Ellie, you are smarter than me and prettier than me, you are funnier and overall better. I am glad that you decided to be my friend. However, things have changed for me. ever since we were fourteen I realised that I like you Ellie, I mean it. I want to see you smile because I made you smile. I want you all for myself. 

I want to hug you, I want to hold hands with you, I want to pat your head and I want you to do the same to me. I want to kiss you Ellie. I really want to. Not a kiss on the cheek like we did when we were kids but on the lips like lovers do. I want us to be just that, lovers. 

So Ellie, will you go out with me? Take your time. I did say I wanted an answer for my birthday but I don’t mind waiting. Don’t be pressured to say yes either. If you don’t feel the same, that's fine as well, I understand. I just needed to let you know how I felt. In the end, if  you don’t love me we can just pretend this letter never existed and continue to be friends. 

With love Emy <3 

“You idiot” I whispered to myself as I thought about her. I was such an idiot and she was as well. She knew that same sex relationships where forbiden by god and she still wrote this letter. 

I had to take a moment to wipe away the tears. I carefully place the letter back into the envelope before placing it inside the box once again. I felt exhausted and just fell asleep with my uniform on. 

Time went by as I continued to torture myself by reading the letter almost daily. At some point I realized that I hated myself, I disgusted myself, I loathed my entire being. I had betrayed my best friend, the girl that had risked everything to confess her love to me. The girl that I loved. 

The pain I felt only grew with time. My heart wouldn’t stop aching and I convinced myself that it was my just punishment for what I had done. Even so I wasn’t satisfied. I deserved more pain, I deserved hell itself.

I began cutting myself. Hiding the scars became difficult as there were too many. My parents realized and berated me. I didn’t care. Not long after they refused to acknowledge my very existence.

Rumors about what I was doing began circulating in school and I became an outcast. The horrible things Emy went through I experienced myself and it only made me feel guiltier. I deserved this and even worse. 

Two years have gone by since Emy’s suicide and I am at the same bridge she jumped off of. A knife in hand as the full moon shines down on me. “Hey Emy, I know its a bit late but, I love you” 

I smiled at the moon as tears began falling. “I am sorry for being such an awful friend” I said as I began sinking the knife in my wrist.

“I know that no amount of guilt, no amount of torture will ever bring you back” I sank the knife deeper.

“I don’t ask for forgiveness, I don’t deserve it and I don’t deserve you” I began dragging the knife up my arm.

“I just want you to know that. I am so sorry. I am sorry for not telling you sooner” The knife fell from my hand as I felt my strength leaving me.

“I am sorry for betraying you” I began to wobble back and forth as my vision became blurry.

“I am sorry for breaking my promise” I gave the bracelet with Emy’s name on it a glance.

“Goodbye Emy, I love you so much” I smiled as I imagined her smiling back at me. My body fell forwards and then everything faded to black. Emy I really do love you.