I had no idea what I was going to do. The lies I had believed and allowed my life to be dominated by closed around my ankle like an anchor. Every word Aria said flashed through my mind as the icy sea spray prickled against my skin. I had no choice but to view each as a lie. Every moment we’d spent, every secret we’d shared. Every feeling she’d professed. Lies. All of it. And each lie had built the anchor chain link by stunning link. Now, I felt it wrap around me and drag me down into the depths of the dark water current Aria had swept me along with.

I supposed I was being overly melodramatic, but in a very real way I wished I would drown. I wish I could, through force of will alone just make my lungs stop breathing. Make my heart stop beating and just lie down in the wet sand and sleep. Of course, if it were that easy, I supposed not many people would live to see the end of puberty. My lungs continued to fill with air, my aching heart continued to beat, and my thoughts continued to cycle down into the depths of misery I felt was very much my due for believing anything Aria had said. I supposed, the thought came into my head, I had already drowned in what she’d said.

I could console myself with the knowledge I’d been suspicious when the fanciful lies she told never seemed to add up. I could assuage my guilt at being duped with the knowledge I’d questioned and been concerned. The reality, however, is I had blinded myself to everything. I had willfully drank the Flavor-Ade and bought the whole package sight unseen.

I had no more right to huddle here on the icy beach feeling sorry for myself as the inexorable tides of roiling water rolled in than the farmer from the story about the venomous snake had a right to complain about being bitten. In my head I had known she was lying. In my mind I had known I was being dragged along at her pace, dangling on her hook. In my heart I had allowed myself to live in a dream I had created where I was special. Where I was different than her last girlfriend, different from Daishi, different from…Jun, or whoever else she’d used and kept on the line. My heart was truly to blame. Maybe that was why it hurt so bad.

“Kasumin!” Emi’s voice was distant yet far away. Ethereal, I thought. Impossible. She was gone. I’d lashed out at her, and she’d left me, rightly, where I had fled. Suddenly her arms were around me and she was pulling me into her embrace.  “Kasumin, you’re ok. I’ve got you. You’re ok.”

“Emi?” I blinked at her in confusion. The wind had whipped her hair out of her customary ponytail and her long black hair wreathed her head like a halo. She did sort of look like the witch she occasionally claimed to be. Whether she was a witch or not was immaterial. She was there.

“Come on,” Emi soothed, helping me to my feet as well as she was able. “You’re coming home with me.” With Emi’s help I stumbled to my feet, and with her supporting me, we staggered back to the car.

I sat quietly, lost in my thoughts as the big black car hummed along the road back toward Tottori. The heater warmed my fingers and toes but, honestly, the rest of me felt as if the cold had burrowed into my bones and I didn’t know if I’d ever be warm again. I glanced over at Emi as the car passed under the amber glow of the streetlights. Tears still gathered at the corner of her eyes and her lower lip quivered. I had hurt her. Badly.

She had been ruminating over telling me for well over a month. I knew Emi well. She could go off half-cocked, but on important things she always made sure she had all the facts. I couldn’t imagine it was easy telling me something she knew would hurt me. I couldn’t imagine being in her shoes. Yet even after I had lashed out at her she had still come after me and she still comforted me and was even now holding my hand gently.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered apologetically.

“You shouldn’t be,” Emi turned to look at me, squeezing my hand tighter. “Let’s get a bath in. It’s a fundamental truth that everything’s better after a bath.” I nodded wordlessly. My eyes were red and swollen from crying and my head was pounding. A bath would feel amazing, I decided.

“I should have told you sooner,” Emi murmured, only her face above the steaming water of the giant bath.

“No,” I shook my head, the warmth of the bath sinking into my skin and loosening my taut muscles. My eyes were sore and red from crying and my head throbbed but the bath and being with Emi was definitely making me feel at least human again. “It wouldn’t have mattered. Christmas, New Year, today, a month from now, the result would have been the same.”

“Thank you for saying that, but I still feel awful about the whole thing,” Emi swirled her hands, creating little whirlpools. “I made every wrong call I could make, I guess. The party was a disaster, now this. What a shit show.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, “I assured her. “The fault and the problem are all mine. I didn’t know her very well, and I didn’t fully trust her, and I still let myself do something like fall for her like a moron.”

“How could you have known?” Emi glanced my way curiously.

“Remember when I called her from Hiroshima?” I flexed my fingers, the ache in my wrist a constant reminder, as if I needed another, of Aria. Emi nodded. “Well, some guy answered, and she said it was her cousin.”

“But her cousin’s a girl,” Emi scowled before realization set in. “Oh. Fuck.”

“Yeah,” I shrugged. “Even then I had all the clues I needed to know what getting involved with Aria would be like. And, like a dumbass, I ignored them. Honestly, I think I kind of wanted to ignore them.”

“How do you mean?”

“I wanted her to love me, and I wanted to love her,” I sighed and lay my head back on the side of the bath. “I wanted us, so I created my own narrative to get what I wanted and ignored just about everything that didn’t fit into it. I set myself up for the whole thing. I’m not surprised it all blew up in my face.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Kasumi,” Emi fixed me with her dark eyes meaningfully. “It’s not like you forced her to do something she didn’t want.”

“Thanks for saying that,” I nodded. “Still, I think deep down I knew the truth. Not only about what she was doing but about us.”

“What truth do you mean about you guys?” Emi’s foot emerged from the water, and she angled it sharply. “Duunnn dunnn... duuuunnnn duun... duuunnnnnnnn dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn dunnnn! The great white foot emerges from the deeps.” I smiled. Even in the depths of misery Emi could always make me smile. “Sorry.”

“No,” I waved away her apology. “I appreciate it.” I sighed deeper and shook my head. “The truth is, I’m not ready for love. I’m too scared.”

“It’s starting to feel to me, and even to the great white foot, that you’re blaming yourself for something you haven’t done,” Emi pointed out, gesturing to her protruding extremity.

“Maybe a little,” I admitted.

“Don’t,” Emi chastised me. “You didn’t make her do what she did. You didn’t make her lie. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Love sucks,” I shook my head. I knew what Emi was saying and I knew she was right, but I didn’t feel it absolved me of my own stupidity in being gullible enough to ignore all the warnings.

“Well, not knowing what it is, I can’t say I either agree or disagree,” Emi shrugged, her other foot joining the great white foot in prowling the water. “I hope not, though.”

“Well, maybe love just sucks for me,” I supplied helpfully. “I’m sure it doesn’t suck for everyone.”

“I don’t think it sucks, Kasumin,” Emi posited. “I think the people we fall in love with can suck, but I don’t think love sucks.”

“Well, either way, I’d consider this experiment a pretty spectacular failure,” I shrugged. Emi remained quiet, plainly unable to argue anything to the contrary.

“What are you going to do?” Emi finally asked the question which had been centermost in my mind.

What was I going to do? I thought. It was already ugly. How ugly did I want to make it? How vengeful did I want to be? How spiteful and petty could I get? Of course, even if I did make it bitter would she even care? I had initially been in shock, but I was still alive and expected to continue to be so. So now I had to deal with the knowledge I’d been given. How to do so, however, was the true question.

“I honestly don’t know,” I eventually admitted. “I’m kind of in uncharted waters, here.”

“Yeah. I guess so. One thing you shouldn’t do is go to school tomorrow,” Emi declared sagely.

“Yeah,” I nodded, not relishing seeing her or anyone else. “I think you’re right, there.

“Then it’s decided, you and I will have a day of rest and relaxation here,” Emi nodded.

“I guess I should call my mom and tell her,” I mused.

“No need! I’ll handle it,” Emi grinned.

“Well, my mom likes you more than me anyway,” I agreed.

“No, your mom likes money and status, and my family happens to have both,” Emi shook her head. She was, of course, absolutely right. “Wait here and I’ll give her a call.” Emi crawled out of the bath and padded toward her phone. “You can admire my butt if it’ll help you feel better.”

“Does my sister know she’s dating an exhibitionist?” I grinned at her.

“I’m 99% sure she does,” Emi nodded. “I think it’s one of the things that attracted her to me.”

“If you say so,” I shrugged. Somehow, I doubted Mio would mind. There was a bit of pervert in my sister just waiting to come out. She would complain and act indignant about it, of course, but I was positive Mio was not all innocence and straight lace.

I sat in the bath as Emi wrapped a towel around herself and went in search of her phone. The reality of what this whole situation meant now plain. There would be no more kisses and hugs stolen in alleys and behind buildings. There would be no more late-night texts or phone calls on long evenings. There would be no surreptitious dates or fluttering feelings when I saw her name on my phone or saw her face when she walked into class.

It was like an entire section of my life had slid off the edge and vanished into the ether and I missed it badly already. A strange, panicky feeling prickled in my brain. Maybe it wasn’t so bad, a thought took hold in my brain. Maybe it was all still just a mistake. Maybe I could win her back. I was afraid. More than being found out by my parents, I was afraid of going back to how it was before I had a girlfriend. Before I had her. A thought erupted in my head like a geyser.

I didn’t want to face the day without her. How could I go back to being blissfully unaware of what being in a relationship felt like now that I’d experienced it? How could I go back to being lonely now that I knew what being lonely meant? My heart hurt. My head hurt. Everything hurt. I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. I hated this.

Where had I gone wrong? I asked myself for the hundredth time. Why did things have to be this way? My brain examined every angle of the situation feverishly. Where had I zigged when I should have zagged? I jumped as my phone rang. I glanced at the screen and my heart nearly stopped, my chest ached as Aria’s number flashed across the screen.