“How are you, Aria chan?” Emi said brightly, snapping the phone away from my outstretched hand and pressing the button quickly. I stared at her for a moment blankly before sighing and drooping into the hot water. It was definitely for the best, I quickly decided. I wasn’t sure I could trust myself to keep myself together right now.

“Hmmm? Oh, no, this is Emi,” Emi’s voice lost none of its customary joy and excitement, but her face was a mask of complete neutrality. Emi always called it her “robot face” which she’d developed after years of dealing with overly demanding parents making increasingly outrageous ultimatums. It was, actually, a little disconcerting. I wondered if she’d ever made that face when talking to me.

“No, Kasumin is staying over at my place tonight, she wasn’t feeling well. Probably too much walking in the cold. She’s taking a bath right now. Need me to tell her something for you?” She listened for a moment, facial expression never changing. “Ah, yeah. Right. Yep. Yeah, I’m not sure about that. We’ll have to see in the morning, I guess. Ok. Have fun. Bye!” Emi handed the phone back to me a bit sheepishly.

“Thank you,” I managed.

“I’m your friend,” Emi discarded her towel and slipped back into the hot water, sighing as she did so. “That means never having to thank me or apologize. It’s how friendship works, after all.”

“Regardless of how it works, thank you,” I reiterated.

“It’s ok. I don’t know how you feel or what’s going through your head, but I know it can’t be easy and I kind of figured maybe having to deal with her right now may not be the easiest thing to do,” Emi swirled her arms and legs in the hot water.

“What am I going to do?” I finally muttered.

“What are you going to do or what should you do?” Emi glanced over, blowing bubbles in the water.

                “What do you think I should do?” I asked after a moment’s pause.

“I think you should drop her like a live puffer fish you found in your lunch,” Emi shrugged. I smiled at the analogy. “Then maybe run her over with a golf cart or something a few times for good measure.” She was right, of course. Not necessarily about the puffer fish or golf cart, but about dropping her. A relationship was useless once trust was gone. Once that wound had been opened it would never fully close and even if she never cheated again the thought would always be in the back of my mind like an itch I couldn’t scratch.

I knew what my heart wanted and what it didn’t want. My heart didn’t want to be alone. It wanted to forgive her and move on. It wanted the promise a relationship with Aria always seemed to offer of a warm embrace, a sympathetic ear, and companionship during long days and longer nights. It wanted the ideal relationship I’d built up in my mind for so long. It wanted the magical first love. None of which had come close to coming true.

I could almost forgive her for Daishi. Almost. I could even come close to rationalizing it in my own mind. They were “dating” after all. But, of course, I supposed I didn’t really need quotes or anything else in that instance. They were, actually, dating. In fact, they’d probably been dating since possibly during or shortly after the first time I’d seen her with him at the coffee shop. Maybe not officially, that came later in the Instagram post, I guess. I’d have to apologize to Midori-senpai at some point, I guessed.

But I absolutely could not and would not forgive her for Jun. There was no way I could. It was simply a bridge too far. No matter how I rationalized it in my head there was no underlying excuse which could satisfy my disgust and outrage.

My heart wanted to keep the status quo in place. Circumstances dictated the notion wasn’t possible. It left only one option. The question now became how did I do it? How badly did I want it to hurt and how much did I want to hurt her? Or, honestly, was it even possible to hurt her? Did she ever really care about me? Maybe it would be a relief to be rid of me. There wasn’t a lot I brought to the table, I supposed. I brought endless agonizing over being caught being gay, endless over-analyzation, no sexual relief and not much else. I wasn’t, in short, a very good catch. Maybe hurting her wasn’t even an option.

“You’re right,” I finally said. “We need to break up. Not, I guess, that we were ever really together, I suppose. I’m just not sure how vindictive I should be.”

“I’d paint bomb her house and shave her pets,” Emi supplied. I glanced over in some surprise.

“Should I be worried about Mio and Chibi?”

“Not if she doesn’t cheat on me,” Emi shrugged.

“Fair enough,” I admitted with a wince. “I don’t think I can shave her pets or paint bomb her house. That seems a bit too hostile.”

“The end justifies the means,” Emi replied evenly.

“You scare me,” I admitted. “Like earlier when you were talking all nice on the phone, but you had your robot face on. Have you ever done that with me?”

“No,” Emi shook her head. “I reserve Ms. Roboto for special cases.”

“Fuck,” I sagged into the water dejectedly. “I don’t know what to do. All I really know is I don’t want to deal with any of it right now.”

“Sometimes ignorance is bliss, I suppose,” Emi admitted glumly, her role in the current drama obviously playing on her. “I kind of wish I hadn’t said anything, honestly.”

“No,” I soothed reassuringly. “I’m glad you told me.”

“I probably saved you from whole new STIs.”

“Yep,” I shuddered, trying desperately to drag my mind away from the abyss where mental images I knew would haunt me the rest of my life lived.

“For now, I think you should rest and recover,” Emi glanced over at me worriedly. “You’ve been through some stuff. I called your mom and let her know you’d be here through tomorrow so don’t stress about things for now. We’ll have a nice relaxing day. I’ll make up a Jun kakiya for you to beat the hell out of in the dojo.”

“I forgot you have a dojo,” I mused thoughtfully.

“Want to use it tomorrow?”

“Actually…yeah,” I nodded. I didn’t have karate until Saturday and felt it might be good to get out some aggression.

“Sounds like a plan,” Emi grinned. “It’s been a long time since I watched you work, anyway.”

The kakiya spun wildly, its wooden arms whirling as I went through move after move. My body swept from position to position, always in motion, my legs followed by my fists then elbows, then knees, all in an instinctual ballet of whirling motion. My muscles tightened, relaxed, and contracted again as I moved, throwing force and tightly controlled fury into every blow. My breathing was measured and regular, this workout not nearly enough to push me to my limits. Of course, pushing me physically was not the idea.

My mind tried its best to stay in the moment. To concentrate on the wooden dummy spinning and counterthrusting automatically with every strike I made. My thoughts quickly pressed aside Emi sitting nearby staring at me, pushed away thoughts of where I was and what I was doing. React. Anticipate. Attack. Counterattack. Over and over. My body moved like water, flowing as my fists struck before moving effortlessly into a block then lashing out in a kick, then dodge, then block, then strike once again allowing my thoughts to focus and become clearer.

I don’t entirely believe what Emi said, I realized. Maybe that was the cause of my confusion. I subconsciously didn’t want to believe it. I knew it was the truth. All of the pieces of the puzzle fit together quite neatly, but there was still that bit of a doubt that niggled at my thoughts. The shadows cast by these irrational, unrealistic doubts still hid too much of the revelatory light to completely ignore.

I had to know. Not just know but know. I needed to see the truth with my own eyes. I couldn’t imagine any other way I would be able to chase the shadows away and face what I knew I had to do. But how would I manage to do that? Not only that, but how could I do it without losing my temper and doing something I knew I’d regret?

My body coiled like a serpent as the arms of the kakiya flailed and I spun in a tight arc, my leg whipping out and catching the wooden dummy perfectly square hard enough I heard the wood crack in response. I straightened slightly and let my arms hang for a moment, closing my eyes to slow my heartbeat and center my thoughts.

“I think I have an idea of what I’m going to do,” I finally said in the sudden quiet of the spacious dojo.

“Please tell me you’re going to roundhouse kick Jun into next Wednesday,” Emi gaped in awe, clapping quietly.

“I’d love to,” I replied honestly. “But no. Something else. Something I may need your help with. I may need acting classes, too. Good thing I had pageant training when I was little.”

“Ooook. I’m intrigued,” Emi tapped her chin curiously.

“It’s not that I don’t believe you or Kei,” I began hesitantly, wiping the sweat off my face with the towel and sitting on the mat in front of Emi. “But I’m not sure I can do what I have to do unless I’m positive. Like. 100% positive.”

“It’s fine to want to be sure,” Emi murmured uncomfortably. “I’m just not seeing how this is going to help anything. I’m not saying you should buy everything I’ve said sight unseen, but I’m just not sure it’s a good idea to go even further down the rabbit hole than necessary.”

“I know,” I leaned back on my hands, my left wrist aching painfully. “But what if I go off half-cocked and it turns out to be something innocuous?”

“Kasumin…” Emi regarded me with a patient yet wary gaze. “Somehow, I doubt they’re doing homework in a love hotel. Besides, we both know Jun’s never done homework in his life. The only reason he graduated high school is because he conned all his girlfriends into doing the work for him.”

“I know,” I lay my head back and closed my eyes. I was tired. That was the truth of the matter. Not physically, but emotionally. I felt like taffy pulled too far, ready to break apart at any moment, but I knew I couldn’t do what needed to be done until I was sure. I opened my eyes and to find Emi staring back at me.

“You shouldn’t ask the questions if you aren’t prepared for the answers is all I’m saying,” Emi leaned back as well and eyed me with concern. “Are you ready for that sort of thing?”

“No,” I admitted honestly. “But I have to know for sure.”

“Let me go on the record as saying I think this is a very very bad idea. I think you should flush the toilet and move on,” Emi shook her head. “Nothing good can come from putting yourself through this.”

“I know.” And I did know. I knew very well that what I wanted to do was a terrible idea.

“Ok,” Emi finally sighed. “I get it. I’ll help. I just hope I’ll also be able to help pick up all the pieces of you that are left over when what I think you’re doing comes to pass.”

“Thank you,” I nodded gratefully.

“I told you before, friends don’t need to be thanked,” Emi’s voice showed her displeasure. I hadn’t even told her the idea, yet, but she intrinsically knew. “Especially not for something like this.”