I opened the door to the house and stumbled through the fortunately empty living room and into my room in a daze, closing the door behind me. My backpack dropped from my shoulder and hit the ground with a thud as I made my way to my bed and sat down heavily. I looked around my room dumbly. My small desk sitting beneath the window, my carefully hung manga covers and movie posters, the painting of the moon shimmering above a mountain peak, bits and pieces of my own art. All things I thought really defined my interests and, in a way, me as well. Yet, really, the only thing that defined me was a single word I’d never even paid attention to six months ago. Now, it was, evidently, everything I was, am, or would ever become.

The water from my jacket peppered my blankets as it fell. My cheeks were red and raw from the wind and rain and my fingers and toes were numb, but I scarcely noticed. I wanted to cry. I wanted to sob and scream and howl at the world that it was unfair. That I’d done nothing wrong. The reality, however, is I was all cried out. Perhaps everything was still too raw. Perhaps too much had happened too soon or, perhaps, I’d reached a point where I simply had no tears left to shed.

Besides, in the end the claim I’d done nothing wrong wasn’t really true, was it? Who cared about my actions when everything about me was wrong? When every thought in my head and every feeling in my heart was inherently wrong, what difference did anything else make? So, even if I hadn’t actually done anything wrong, everything else about me was defective. In the end, I was no different than a recalled car waiting to burst into flame.

I lowered my head and the rain soaking my hair dripped onto my face. The droplets tracked down my cheeks and off my chin to fall onto my hands clasped between my thighs the way the tears I couldn’t seem to find should have done. I stared at my hands, my eyes dry and itchy. I turned them over, the palms facing me. The lines on my hands crisscrossed my skin, ragged crags in the otherwise smooth surface.

I had worked hard, I thought. For years I had worked at martial arts. Through wind and rain and sun and snow I had struggled to overcome my body’s limits. I had torn muscles and sprained joints and broken bones in the pursuit of those few moments. Those sharp, focused moments where my body, mind and heart were in sync. Those fleeting seconds in the hours of training when my lungs and heart were working as one.

It was difficult to describe, I thought. That moment of absolute peace. I felt my body still moving. The breeze of my hand movements still tickled the minute hairs on my skin and the sweat beading on my face still fell but for those moments there was nothing in the universe but me. It was like I was everything and nothing at the same time. Ethereal, euphoric, and transient. I’d heard of runners achieving a runner’s high and I had no idea what that felt like, but this didn’t seem the same.

It was the same and yet different than the feeling I achieved during meditation. The result of the perfect combination of breathing, heartbeat, blood flow and state of mind rolled into a few shining moments. I was invincible and vulnerable at the same time. Impermanent and fixed in one moment.

Then a heartbeat out of tune or a breath a bit rushed or a realization of my own body would send it spiraling out of my control and I would be back in the physical world and would return to what I was, a girl following ancient patterns and trying to learn to be better.

But for those brief flashing moments I was more in tune with my body and myself than I’d ever been and stronger than I ever could imagine. Yet, staring at my hands, I realized that even if I could reach that pinnacle right now, I wouldn’t be strong enough to hold onto the pieces of my life which had broken apart and were slipping through my fingers like sand.

Grains would get stuck in the grooves nature had carved into my palms but even those would eventually drift away with the wind, and I would be left as I was. Staring down at empty palms which weren’t strong enough or deft enough to hold my life together. I heard footsteps outside my door and steeled myself, my breath catching in my throat.

“Well?” The door burst open and smacked against my discarded backpack. Mio hurried into my room, closing the door behind her. “You didn’t call me. Why? You said you would call me the second you found out anything and you didn’t. What the hell is going on?” I closed my eyes and sighed miserably.

“I-I’m sorry, Mio,” My body had gone numb, and my mind spun in the mud of my thoughts, unable to get any sort of traction.

“You should be sorry,” Mio huffed, sitting on the chair at the desk opposite my bed. “So where is Emi?” I took a deep breath, steeling myself as well as I was able.

“She’s gone,” I finally said.

“What?” Mio’s nervously bouncing foot stopped cold and her dark eyes stared at me as if waiting for the punchline of a sick joke.

“She’s gone,” I repeated, dropping my head back to my hands. My hair had come loose from the ponytail and strands of damp black hair dropped onto my forehead like spider webs. “Her mother has sent her to her grandma’s house and is enrolling her in a girl’s school down in Osaka next week.”

“What?” Mio demanded again, standing up angrily. “She can’t do that!”

“It’s already been done,” I shook my head. “She sent Emi down this evening.”

“We have to stop her! This isn’t right! This isn’t ok!” Mio’s voice had become panicky. I glanced up to find tears streaming down Mio’s face. Her eyes had a look I knew well. A far-off, haunted look, like staring into the headlights of the truck racing toward you knowing there was no way to avoid it and there was no time for it to stop. You could only wait for the inevitable and hope it didn’t hurt too much before it was over. “This isn’t…fair.”

“I know,” I had nothing left to add. No comforting words left to say to make it hurt less or feel like you were betting everything you had on a die which would never roll your way.

“Why would she do that? Why would she send her away? Why did this happen?” Mio dropped onto the chair heavily, tears running unchecked down her cheeks.

“Bec- “I paused. I didn’t have to tell her, I reasoned. I didn’t have to say a word more than I already had.

“It’s because of me, isn’t it?” Mio whimpered.

“What?” I glanced up at her sharply as she pressed her hands against her eyes.

“It’s because I was careless! It’s because I’m not good enough or old enough or rich enough or smart enough or…” Her voice caught in her throat, and she coughed and choked as the tears streamed from between her fingers.

“Mio, no,” I whispered as my sister’s heart broke.

“I was so excited, but so so stupid,” Mio’s voice cracked as her sobs overtook her. I sighed and grabbed her hand in mine.

“Mio, stop!” I implored her. “Just listen to me! It’s not like that! It’s…it’s not like that at all.”

“I wrecked everything,” she breathed through her tears.

“No! I did!” I grabbed her other hand. “I did it! I…” My chest ached as my little sister hesitantly looked up at me. “It’s because I’m…it’s because of me.”

“What?” Mio’s voice was quiet, so low I almost couldn’t hear her.

“Emi’s mom found out I was…the way I am,” I felt itchy all over. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. “Emi was sent away because she can’t have a friend like me. A friend who’s a…lesbian, like I am.”

“I don’t understand,” Mio’s eyes searched mine.

“I- “I shook my head. “Her mom somehow found out I was gay, and Emi was sent away because she can’t be around someone like me.”

“B-But Emi and I…” Mio trailed off in confusion. “Why is… I don’t understand. Why would that matter?”

“Emi has status, an image to uphold and her family’s honor to maintain, and – “I began.

“She doesn’t care about any of that!” Mio interrupted me angrily. “I know Emi! You may have known her longer, but I know her better! We’re a couple!” Her small fists clenched at her side as she stood up, anger replacing shock on her face.

“I-I know that,” I tried to console her. “But she’s only 16 a- “

“So what? She doesn’t have rights? She doesn’t know enough to decide what she wants? Why does that matter?” Mio was getting more upset the more she talked.

“Mio, please, I truly understand,” I took one of her clenched fists in my hands and looked up at her. “But she doesn’t have a choice right now. Maybe in a couple of years she’ll –“

“A couple of years?” Mio gaped at me incredulously. “Do you even hear yourself right now? Do you even want Emi and I to be together? I thought you, of all people, would be ok with that!”

“Of course I do!” I insisted, ignoring what felt like a pointed barb aimed at me. “How could you ask that? It’s just…there are things you wouldn’t understand with Emi and her relationship with her parents.”

“What?” I realized immediately I had fucked up once again.

“That’s not what I mean! I…it’s just complicated for her right now,” I finished lamely, realizing I was digging myself deeper with each word I said.

“It’s not complicated! You think just because you’ve known her longer than I have you know more. Well, you don’t, nee chan!”

“I never said that,” I murmured.

“Then what? What’s so complicated about two people loving each other and wanting to be together?”

“Things aren’t so simple for people sometimes, “I insisted.

“Things aren’t so simple for you, you mean,” Mio was angry and hurt and I wasn’t making anything any better. “Just because your girlfriend screwed everyone in Tottori doesn’t mean you’re oh so wise, nee chan.” I knew precisely she was saying exactly what she knew would hurt me the most. I also knew I shouldn’t get angry. She was hurting as badly as I was, but the moment of clarity I practiced hours on hours to achieve through Karate was far away and distant.

“Stop,” I warned her, my own anger and hurt rising like a wave.

“Or what?” Mio sneered at me, tears streaming down her face. “You’ll barge into a love hotel when Emi and I are there? You’ll stand us up at KFC?”

“I said stop it!” I demanded, standing up angrily.

“I’m not afraid of you,” Mio stepped forward angrily. “Emi and I will be together! I don’t care if it’s two years or ten years! We’re not like you and Aria! We lo – “

“Wake the fuck up, Mio! Pull your head out of your ass and think for a second!” I raged at her. “Emi’s parents have a fiancé picked out for her after college!” I snapped, saying the one thing I did not intend to. “How are you going to overcome that? Huh? How is your love going to beat two thousand years of tradition, Mio?”

“No…” Mio stared at me, horrified. “You’re lying.”

“Not everyone has things simple! The world doesn’t run on love or high hopes or wanting everything to be ok! Tradition and prejudice and disgust is what the world runs on, Mio! I know that better than anyone and the sooner you learn that lesson the better off you’ll fucking be.” As the anger drained away, I saw my little sister standing in front of me. She was no longer a child. She was no longer the little girl who looked up to me, and after what I’d said I doubted she ever would be again.

She was a woman in her own right at that moment. A woman I had wounded more deeply than any martial arts kick ever could. I stood, bereft and desolate as I saw her break and knew I had broken her. I could never put her back together just as I could never take back anything I’d said.

“M-Mio,” I stammered. “I’m so so- “Her hand swept up and slapped me across the face as hard as her small body could muster. I had seen it coming and could have stopped her, but my body wouldn’t move. I figured I’d more than earned it after my outburst. I stood silently as she faced me, shaking with rage and anguish.

“I hate you, Kasumi,” Mio snarled through her tears, her voice low and filled with disgust and anger. “Don’t ever talk to me again.” She strode unsteadily from my room, slamming the door behind her, leaving me alone, the pain in my red cheek paling in comparison to the anguish coursing through the rest of me. I was like a wrecking ball crashing through the remains of my own life.

“What did you do to Mio?” My mom’s voice screamed at me from the hall. I heard her knocking on Mio’s door above the heaving sobs of my sister but couldn’t move or say anything. “It’s too late to talk about this tonight, but you’ve got some explaining to do after school tomorrow!” My mom warned me. I dropped to my knees on the floor and stared blankly ahead. I don’t need anyone else’s help destroying my life, I thought numbly. I was doing a fine job all on my own.