I nearly had a heart attack, crapped my pants, choked on salad and fallen off the roof in the span of 3 second, as the hell spawn announced it's descend onto my table.

"For fucks sake!?!, this is why your whole species gets bad rep as harbingers of death! Hooo..hooo..fuck my life, this would have been Scumzuma level of pathetic ways to die."  

My thoughts are raising. 'Is this one of the beast master's pets? Was I seen yesterday? Are they coming for me?' I feel a sledgehammer striking my chest mercilessly as I consider what I can get my hands on for self-defence. I listen, to determine how many are coming for me, moving to grab a chair to use as a weapon. Minutes pass and the only sounds I hear, are of the hell spawn mutilating my food, the damn thing just rips the meat apart like a hawk.'

There is no noise or movement elsewhere. I try to sound as confident and easygoing as I am able to. "Hey there little bird are you alone here?"  

The little shit looks up at me and then goes for the food again. 'While it's busy eating, I can get closer and snap its fucking neck, just 3 steps, very slowly.'

"Caw, Caw."  

After I take a step forward, the crow jumps back, behind the glass of water, caws at me and starts drinking. 'If I mess this up it will being its master here to reap my soul.'  

"You like the water, yes? Well, it's magical water that helps you relax and removes fatigue, it's very good, yes?… How about we make a deal, little one? You can eat and drink all you want, make this place your secret snacks stash. You know, if others find out, they may take what little I have away and there will be no more food here. Yes... this is only between the two of us, no need to bring your mistress into a dangerous forest for no good reason. Isn't that right?"

The black stain on my table looks ready to fly away every time I attempt to move forward, to snap its little neck and throw the carcass into my personal portal to hell, likely to become food for monsters.

"Caw, caw, caw."'

I get the gut feeling that it likes the food and water, and will stay quiet, or it's just wishful thinking and I'll be dead by the evening.' 

"Caw." 

The crow flies towards the academy buildings, and I pray it's not calling in reinforcements to hunt me down.

"I lost my appetite, hopefully the rubbish bins are magical, otherwise the food waste will attract more of its kind if I dump everything in the forest. I'm not ready to deal with the swirling portal of death either, to use if for rubbish disposal. Haaa… I need another shower for multiple reasons, and a change of clothes for the same ones."

While cleaning up I noticed that the rubbish bin I used was completely empty, so I dumped the leftovers from the crow incident in there, to check if it will disappear again. 'If people start coming here, what do I say? The clueless and lost foreigner shtick will work until I'm dragged beyond 2 km, afterwards it's game over. Come on brain, humans are fucking brilliant at coming up with excuses, so think, how do you convenience someone that you belong here? In a way so that they don't go asking questions? Anything?'

"If this were an anime, an obviously fake cross-dressing would have worked. If that man hater asks the ass man about me or the building, any cover story or excuse will be blown."  

'I'm too stressed to think with any clarity, shower first, looming threat of death second.' I showed for an hour, waiting for the doors to burst open, but nothing happened and I went to bed without thinking up any foolproof ideas.

"I'm too old for this shit."

---

Alarm ringing - (Die MF Die · by Dope).

"What kind of person would set this as a morning alarm? The same sadist that locked me out of the alarm functions, that's who."  

I perform the morning rituals, vent my frustrations on the sandbag, shower and head for breakfast. Walking up to the rooftop, I see the black menace hopping on the table, I decide not to ruin my food and get the little shit some scraps and the magical calming water into a separate bowl.

"Here you go little one, as agreed you keep quiet, and we'll have a peaceful day." 'It's watching me, it knows I'll crush its head if I get a chance.'  

After eating, it flies away and I return to the kitchen, craving for some chocolate, I compromise making hot coco, to use up the milk before it spoils. Having no internet or games, I pass the time in the gym, failing to come up with any countermeasures against my untimely demise. 

"There has to be a way out, there always is."

I ease into a daily routine for the next week without anything changing, except for the diminishing of fresh produce stock and my ever-increasing craving for real snacks, not this homemade healthy substitute.

It's during the 10th morning breakfast that shit hits the turbo fan and I regret my stupidity, for I still lack a good plan of action.

Voices downstairs:  

"Lady Mari, I didn't know there was another facility so far away from the main buildings."  

"Neither did I, Meiko. It's surprising how such a rustic building blends into the surroundings."  

"That is true, lady Mari, I didn't notice the whole building until we walked into the clearing."

'That's because the magical cloaking is total bullshit and this fucking clearing stands out like a sore thumb, you damned gorilla woman!!!!'  

I clench my hands, grit my teeth and whisper to the traitorous hell spawn: "we had a deal, I give you food and you keep quiet."  

The little shit tilts it head and lets out a loud "CAW".  

"Mari: There's someone upstairs, let us ask about the purpose of this place. I'm rather stumped as to guessing the reason why, this apparently small restaurant was constructed this deep in to forest."  

"Meiko: Certainly lady Mari, please allow me to go in first to make sure there are no dangers here."  

"Mari: Thank you Meiko, I'll be in your care."  

"Meiko: Of course lady Mari. Hello! is anyone in? We are entering if that's ok!"

'I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead. What do I do now? That gorilla can span me like a twig!' "If I die you will not get anymore food from here so do something useful and play along."

I'm going to use the oldest trick in the book to survive this, blame someone else and pretend to be a clueless victim, adding my special technique I've been perfecting for a week! The true and tested fail safe: the foreigner speaking the local language in the most broken and cringe worthy way humanly possible, so horrible, you want nothing more than to end the conversation and go wash your ears! 'This will backfire as soon as she talks to her father, but uncertain doom is better than certain doom and maybe she hates him enough to not have a conversation and leave me alone.'

With shaking hands I put my headphones on, to play up the clueless foreigner look, and sit with my back facing the stairs. 

"Make a sound when they get up here and just stay on the table close to me." 'If I die today, I swear, I'll come back as a ghost pluck you like the overweight chicken that you are, turn you into KFC and feed you to the one who killed me.'

"Man up, if King can bullshit his way into being the number one hero and survive monsters, you can survive two anime girls."

I psych myself up 'I am King, I am THE King, I am the KING of bullshitting, I am THE K...'

"Meiko: Lady Mari, you were correct, there is someone here, she appears to be listening to music and had not heard us earlier."  

"Mari: So it is, and it looks like we have found out where that child has been flying off to, asking for extra snacks."  

'So it was your fault!! You sorry excuse for an eagle! Now play your part!!!.'

"Caw"  

Finally it cried out and hopped once towards the incoming people. 'Fuuu... this show must be award-winning or my life will be that much closer to ending. Now I AM KING!'  

"Valentine: What is it little one? Are you asking for more food? You know, overeating is bad for you, you are a hunter, right? You need to keep your skills sharp to be strong!"  

"CAW."  

"Hm? No?" I turn around, looking surprised, to see two stunned women looking at me, one with wide eyes and one tensing her legs for a sprint to tackle me to the ground. I nod to the bird and begin my assault.

"Thanks for the warning."  

"Kuhum… KONNICHIWAA ojousama, konnichiwa ojousama, Yokoso to restaurant, watashi chef Valentine, welcome!"

I stand and bow twice towards each of them, there is only silence as a reply, so I layer on the bullshit as thick as I can.  

"Onegaishima sit, watashi walk menu ojousama." I add some flare with hand signals. "Ojousama taberu yes?" I physically feel the cringe spiking even from the crow, as the two in front of me winced in pain at my butchery of the language. 'Yes, you would prefer to rather jump of the roof then listen to this, so just end our collective suffering and go back to school.' Just as I feel more confident in my success, I'm given a reality check by the black haired demon who starts speaking in English, flashing me a fake smile.'

"Mari: Please, sir, it is fine if you speak English like you had before. It's no trouble at all. I am Kurihara Mari and this is Shiraki Meiko. Could you introduce yourself again please?"

'FY to hell and back!!!' I smile.  

"Valentine: Ah, yes, I sincerely apologize for my shortcomings just now, I got so surprised by my first customers that I forgot all the lines I learned, sorry about that. What I ment to say was: good morning honoured guest, welcome to the restaurant in the Sacred Grove, I am chef Valentine, may I bring you the menu while you get seated? My surname is painful to pronounce so please call me just chef of chef Valentine."  

The two black demons lock eyes, having a silent communication somehow, while the gorilla is still in attack mode. 

'I need to keep momentum to steer the conversation in the right direction.'

"Please excuse me, I misspoke earlier, this little one has been keeping me company for over a week, so I forgot to give it the first place. Oh, and fear not, we only occupy this table, and I clean everything up here with sanitizer after our meal, I take hygiene very seriously in my craft."  

They are not easing up, and we stare at each other in the eyes, all the while i get covered in cold sweat.

"Mari: I didn't know the academy had any male chefs or this restaurant for that matter, have you been here for a long time?"

"Valentine: No to both, miss Kurihara. I am just a contracted employee, I don't count towards the academy's staff and I've been here less then 2 weeks, 10 days maybe?"

"Meiko: Answer, why are you here."  

'She even speaks like a gorilla!'

"Valentine: Certainly miss Shiraki. Personally and selfishly I came here because the salary is good, the location is away from the loud city life and I get provided a place to stay for free. I do not wish to imply anything negative, but I heard some people from the company say that, my assignment here involved politics or something."

"Mari: Can you please elaborate?"  

"Valentine: Can I ask you to not divulge this to others? Be warned this is just unreliable rumors and hearsay, so it may be false or malicious." I get two affirmatives and play my blame card.

"Like I said, the rumor is that a rich and influential supporter of this academy is complaining that this place is falling behind the times, that having zero interaction with men for 3 years will leave the graduates vulnerable and under prepared for the world outside. So as a compromise, this restaurant was designated as a place where students could come in contact with a man in a professional manner, if they wished to do so. A bunch of rubbish if you ask me, it's not like everyone here has no parents, or is not allowed to go into the city or use the internet to talk to multiple people from around the world. Politics usually make some amount of sense, so those rumors are likely falls and someone is just splurging money to show how rich and powerful they are. I've even had proof of exactly that! This is a bit inappropriate to discuss with young ladies such as yourselves, so I'll hold my tongue."  

I can see her eyes hardening and taking on a murderous tint. 'Yes, yes… let yourself be consumed by anger young padawan and focus your hatred on the one you consider your family.'

"Mari: Thank you for sharing this with us, but as students of this academy we are the ones affected the most by any changes and if someone is using unscrupulous means to exert influence, we have a duty to get a hold of any evidence, regardless of how minuscule it may be."

'Now for the final touch, to smear all the blame on the ass man and paint myself as an ally.'

"Valentine: If that is how you truly feel, lady Kurihara, then I must apologize to you for the actions I've taken. You see, the proof I've mentioned, when I have first laid my eyes on it, I was enraged beyond reason, that some adolescent boy would go that far to desecrate this establishment, for no one but an arrogant child carelessly throwing around their parents money and influence would steep so low. If I knew who was responsible for this, I would gladly give him a spanking of a lifetime, consequences be damned! I gathered all the offending articles and burned them to ashes. I can tell you what they were if you so wish?"

"Mari: Yes."

"Valentine: Well, the least offensive and vulgar way to put it would be... that they were, a dozen large, framed posters displayed around the dining area, the main focus of those were... kuhum... sensual photography, explicitly, pardon my French, female buttocks. Mind you, I am not discriminating against anyone, I'm just pointing out that everything has a proper time and place, such flights of fancy must remain in private, behind closed doors and not in the face of any guests that may decide to dine here! Men who just parade such things in the open are rubbish!"

'Mari, it was your father! Go forth and strike him down! Go, now!!'

"Mari: Yes, men are garbage."