Once upon a time…

There was a princess. Wait, no, she didn’t start out a princess. She started out as a-

Wait. By saying she didn’t start out as a princess I imply she becomes one. Which is totally a spoiler.

Heck.

Umm let me start over with a different story.

Cake:

• 3 cups flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 2 Tablespoons cocoa powder MISSING THIS
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup butter
• 2 cups sugar
• 1 cup vegetable oil I DON’T KNOW WHAT TYPE OF OIL I HAVE
• 4 large eggs WHAT DOES LARGE MEAN???
• 1 Tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 teaspoon distilled white vinegar MISSING THIS
• liquid red food coloring NOT STRICTLY NEEDED
• 1 cup buttermilk MISSING THIS

Frosting:

• 16 ounces cream cheese MISSING THIS
• 3/4 cup butter
• 5 and 1/2 cups confectioners’ sugar DON’T HAVE SPECIFICALLY
• 1 and 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract 
• pinch of salt

Confectioner’s Sugar:

Just take regular sugar and whack it with a hammer until it’s powdered. Close enough.

Cream Cheese:

Equal parts milk and lemon juice. Lime juice will probably work. Pinch of salt. 

Buttermilk:

1½ teaspoon of lemon juice per ½ cup of milk. Again, here’s hoping lime juice works.

White Vinegar:

I mean, this is basically vodka that’s gone sour. Just leave the vodka out and hope something happens? Not sure how long it’ll take to turn tho. Takes too long. White wine maybe? I’ll keep it next to the heater.

Cocoa Powder:

I might have to use chocolate syrup for this. Adjust the liquid by removing… an egg? There really isn’t all that much liquid in this. On the other hand, it isn’t all that much cocoa powder either. Oh! Reduce sugar by about half a cup to adjust for the sweetness. 

Don’t remove an egg. Remove about ¼ cup buttermilk. Should work.

Ok it’s not going to work. Try using the powdered cocoa mix. Sift out the larger sugar granules.

MadSadie

...Yeah no, I ain't touching that one with a ten-foot pole.