Laura the Lesbian Vampire wasn't coming out of her coffin tonight. She was staying in there. She was unwell.

"Do we even get unwell?" asked Ravinical the Heterosexual Vampire. Ravinical didn't know all the ins and outs of being a vampire yet as she'd only been one for five years. Little things like this kept taking her by surprise.

"Sure we do," said Evangelina who had been a vampire and a lesbian for centuries, "Not from much though. Being dead means a lot of maladies naturally can't effect us, and the unholy embrace of vampirism protects us from a lot, and the Serpent's Gift protects the Burgrave's specific bloodline from even more. So we have pretty good health. But there're a few things that can catch us out"

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

It was just the two undead cunts and their kitten in Castle Vesh's vast dining room. Evangelina was drinking wine from the bottle, Ravinical was eating one of the Tyrannical Cook's older children, and the kitten was playing with some wool.

"Like migraines, I guess. That's what's wiped Laura out. Every couple of decades or so she'll get a real nasty migraine."

"Damn, no wonder she's staying in her coffin. Migraines are no joke."

Ravinical offered Evangelina the cook's child to feed on, but she declined. The lesbian rarely had anything except booze and drugs for breakfast. Then she rarely did anything for the rest of the night except more booze, more drugs, and twisting in libidinous and degraded lez ecstasy with Laura.

"Hey, that's a thing... if Laura's not getting out of her coffin, what're you gonna do all night?"

"What you mean?" Evangelina uncorked her second bottle of wine.     

"Well..." Ravinical was surprised she had to spell it out, "You two usually just lez up in the sex pit all night. What're you gonna do with all the free time tonight?"

"Ha. Yeah. I guess," said the tall, thin lesbian bitch as if this hadn't even occurred to her.

Ravinical sensed opportunity. The opportunity for a brief escape from her solitary life of loneliness and heterosexual exclusion.

She tried to play it cool.

"Do you wanna, like, maybe do an activity?"

"An activity?"  

"Yeah, like. I dunno. Do a thing," ventured the socially-isolated big-titty goth. 

The lesbian gave a gentle, but perhaps slightly condescending, chuckle.

"Nah, you're okay. I'll probably just masturbate and do cocaine."

"Sure," said Ravinical.

She sounded obviously deflated. Evangelina picked up on that and tried to backpedal.

"You wanna hang out and masturbate with me?" she offered, "Not in a lez way or anything. I'd just wank over my lez shit and you could wank over your straight shit. It'd be cool. We could hang out in the Orangery for a change of scene."

"Wow...that's...yeah, that's cool," Ravinical wasn't sure it was. It sounded kind of embarrassing. "I'm just really bad at masturbating."

"For real?" Evangelina pretended to be surprised even though she knew perfectly well that straight bitches were all shit at wanking.

"Yeah, I guess I haven't got much imagination," said Ravinical. She patted her vag through her black lacy teddy. "Can't get this thing wet unless there's a cock in my face."

The cook's child died of blood loss.

"Have you tried porn?" asked Evangelina.

"Not really. That's more a guy thing, isn't it?"

Have I ever mentioned how straight Ravinical is? I needn't have bothered labouring that point. I could have just waited for her to say that.

"Most of the smut in the castle is m/m so wouldn't get you off, I don't think," said Evangelina, "But I've seen at least one book in the library I think you could maybe wank to."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's called 'Fey Blessings.'"

--

Ravinical headed to the library. Why not? The book did sound pretty interesting.

The way Evangelina had described it, it was full of pictures of human men fucking fairies. Which was promising because Ravinical loved really big dicks and, since fairies were really small, the human men would proportionally have massive dongs. The heterosexual vampiress wasn't interested in 'Fey Blessings' for the fairy content at all. Just for the illusion of oversized wangers.

Not that she could even find it.

In the whole of Castle Vesh's library, Ravinical could only find two books about fairies.

One was called 'How To Literally Become a Fairy.' 

Ravinical opened it up to check that it wasn't the porn Evangelina had mentioned under a different title. But nah. No such luck. It was just exactly what it sounded like. A manual explaining a ritual by which a mortal girlie could turn herself into one of the Fair Folk. No use to a vampire, or to a heterosexual cunt trying to wank. 

She put 'How To Literally Become a Fairy' back on the shelf carefully, because a little note on the inside of the dust jacket had said, "EXTREMELY RARE! Only two copies ever printed inside Linear Time!!"

The second fairy book she found didn't look extremely rare. In fact, it didn't even look like it belonged in the prestigious literary archive of Castle Vesh. It just looked like it had been borrowed from the local village peasant library and never returned.

This one was called 'Discourse On The Manner and Manners of the Fair Folk.'

Ravinical read a little aloud to herself, "The Fey are cruel tricksters ever. They cannot be otherwise for such is their nature. Well, there you go, I guess."

There was no sign of 'Fey Blessings' anywhere. And, like Evangelina had suggested, most of the porn she could find in the vampire castle was m/m with a little bit of f/f. Not her thing at all.

After a while, Evangelina joined her in the library.

"How's the wanking going?" asked the lesbian.

"Not great," said the heterosexual. "You?"

"Oh, pretty good. Been wanking over you actually."

"Really?" Ravinical was surprised, "But Evangelina... we tried to fuck plenty of times. It was really crap."

"Oh, for sure, but...like...you've got a really hot body. So I can just think about it and rub my cunny while imagining a version of you who knows how to fuck."

"Hey!" protested Ravinical, "I know how to fuck! I just don't like fucking girlies."

"Sure. Yeah. So..." the lesbian vampire's hand was on her own pussy, "That's kinda why I came down here. You couldn't remind me what your titties look like could you? Give me a good look?"

"Sure," said Ravinical. Evangelina was technically her wife after all. 

She peeled down the lace and satin of her black teddy to let her big milkers flop out. Big milk-white goth milkers. Soft, heterosexual, 42H milkers. Rosy pink nipples like a blushing doll.

"Aw yeah, that's the good stuff," said Evangelina, hooking her middle finger up into her wetness. "You've got the good tiddy, babe."

"Thanks!" Ravinical cupped them and showed them off coquettishly from various angles.

"Hey...look...you wanna...?"

"Do an activity?" said Ravinical, mocking her earlier clumsiness. She had an okay sense of humour sometimes, for a heterosexual girlie anyway. 

"Yeah...well...I know it's always gone bad when we've tried it before but... you wanna fuck?" Evangelina asked.

Ravinical looked sceptical.

"Hear me out! I know you like big dicks, right? Well I've got some really oversized strap-ons. What if I put one of those on, use he/him pronouns for the night, and give your vag a pounding?"

Ah, why not?

Ravinical agreed and they gave it a try.

After about three minutes they gave up in complete embarrassment. Another awkward and mutually humiliating experience. Pure cringe.

"You really are the most heterosexual cunt in all Forfeiture, aren't you?" Evangelina said in affectionate frustration.

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am."