September 5th, 2032

    So I met an alien today.  Well yesterday evening actually.  I spent the night passed out at her place.  She's super pretty and so nerdy about plants and other living things.  Mom would adore her and I have a real big crush on her.  Oh how I hate how I have a crush on her.  I have no clue what to do with this energy.  I'd have no clue what to do if she were human, but she's not, and I'm the first human she's ever met.  Do I have to be an emissary of the human race to aliens who don't really even want to interact with humans?  They don't even like humans because as a species.  We keep fucking over all the life on the planet they actually are interested in.  What does she even see in me?  She seems interested, but it's it just because she wants to poke and prod and experiment on me?.... Okay, I might be interested in that…  but what about my feelings?  I'm a touch starved, emotionally needy wreck, still mourning my dead mom, and I haven't had any real "attention" in years.  There's too many feelings, I can't handle it… well, I can't handle it alone… I need to talk to my friends

    It was morning by the time Sylph saw us out.  Thankfully it was Sunday so I wasn't expected at work.  We said our goodbyes and waved awkwardly at each other in her clearing.  Badger and I walked home and had breakfast together, I took a shower, and laid down on my bed.  Apparently blacking out after being infected by an extraterrestrial fungus, making first contact with an alien, hopelessly developing a crush on said alien, and having the resulting panic attack really takes it out of you.  I only had time for one last thought before I passed the fuck out, I think Sylph's bed might be comfier, and then a blissful dreamless void of sleep took me.

    I awoke that evening to a buzzing phone and a whining Badger.  I wasn't ready to run into Sylph again, so we took a quick walk around the block so Badger could relieve theirself while I caught up on whatever my phone was alerting me about.  It was my friends Lilly and Cairn checking in on me.  I'd forgotten we were due for orbital capture around a new planet in Twinkling Gates, the space exploration game we were playing.  It's basically a ripoff of a book and tv series from when I was a kid where humanity discovers a huge alien gateway orbiting in the outer reaches of the solar system that leads to a hub of  more gateways to thousands of other systems.  We'd just entered a new gate earlier in the week, a new system that hadn't yet been charted, not publicly at least.  The developers have sprinkled procedurally generated bits and pieces of a lost alien civilization, interesting resources, or cool new life across every system.  No matter where you go, there was always something interesting to find on any new planet, moon, or asteroid.

• 16:24 - CairnRocks🪨!:  @Marinara where are you?😱  There's plant life on this planet and you are the best at atmospheric entry calculations☄️
• 16:25 - LillyVale: my love, please don't guilt Marin, you know this week's been rough on em.
• 16:25 - CairnRocks🪨!: but I want go find new animals to give scritches!🐕🐆🦀🦑🐙
• 17:10 - LillyVale: Marin dear, I've settled the gremlin.  We've got plenty of upgrades left to install from our shopping trip in the hub last week to keep us busy.  So please take care of yourself and we'll see you when we do.

    Oh how I love these two!  I've known Lilly and Cairn since I came out 5 years ago. Jillian is a tall and oh so very strong beautiful latina trans woman.  Mmmmmmm, strong lady muscles!  Her partner Cairn, is the tiniest, most feisty, dark skinned, enby gremlin ball of energy I've ever met.  I found them through online gaming and they were instrumental in me realizing that maybe never making male characters in games might mean I wasn't actually a cis man in real life.  Shocking how that works.  I call them "friends," but really it's something more.  We exist in that super queer quasiplatonic liminal space between what monogamous/heterosexual normativity would label friendship or romantic relationship.  I visited them where they live in the bay area of California serval times before my mom got sick, and it just really is nice to snuggle, kiss, and sometimes fuck your friends.  Their wonderful combined emotional support, and a quality therapist, kept me from completely crumbling to pieces with my mother's declining health and eventual passing.

• 17:55 - Marinara: lol, I love you two❣️  I'm actually impressed with myself for how much I accomplished this weekend.  I finally opened her room on Friday and cleaned, and turned it into an office.  
• 17:56 - Marinara: I started a friggin' journal y'all…….
• 17:56 - CairnRocks🪨!: wow, look at you being all productive and shit🤯  Now get in here and help us land this sexy ship of ours!🚀
• 17:57 - LillyVale: Cairn🤫…
  • But, that makes me so happy to hear everything's going so well.  That was the first time you've opened her room again, right?
• 17:57 - Marinara: umm... Also I kinda met someone…
• 17:57 - Marinara: and yeah.  I needed to cry so I went in and the feels hit me so quick😭😭😭

    I expected this, but the indicator told me both of them were now furiously responding to the bomb I dropped.

• 17:58 - CairnRocks🪨!: YOU MET SOMEONE!!!! TELL US😈😈😈😈😈
• 17:58 - LillyVale: EEEeeeEEEEEEEeeee
• 17:58 - LillyVale: *cough* yes, details please❣️

    Badger suddenly yanked me towards a squirrel and I dropped my handset, "oww fuck, slow down buddy."  I bent to pick it up, thankfully no obvious damage.

• 18:02 - Marinara: I'm taking Badger for a walk right now and they made me drop my phone in pursuit of critter.  Tell you in game after I get us some dinner?
• 18:03 - CairnRocks🪨!: AAAAA@AAAAAAAA!*$!!
• 18:04 - LillyVale: yes dear, of course we can wait🙄  Please give Badger a hug from us💕💕💕

    I gave a quick pull on Badger's leash, "Lilly and Cairn say they love you."  They leaned into my scratching fingers as they sat next to where I stopped.  "But it's time to go home and eat!"  At the mention of food their ears perked up and they stood, panting excitedly at me.

* * *

    We made it home and Badger, once freed from their leash, went to sit and stare at the bucket where I kept his food.  Glancing back at me frequently to make sure I was going to do as commanded.  I got them all settled with a fresh bowl of kibble and made myself a nice sandwich while they wolfed down their meal.  "Now, how do I tell them about Sylph?" I asked Badger who followed me to the couch.  They tilted their head, but continued to stare at my sandwich as I sat to eat.  "I obviously can't just go and tell them she's an alien who put a fungus in my head."  A piece of spinach fell to the floor as I took my first bite.  My four legged friend inspected it carefully, unsure if they considered it edible.  

    "I can say I met her while I was taking you for a walk.  That she lives in a… cabin, yes a cabin up in the hills, and she's a researcher.  A botanist, uhh... studying the ecosystem in the aspen grove.  That’s all true."  I chewed another bite as I contemplated how best to describe how I wound up in her home.  "I was very distracted by my thoughts as we were walking.  And you did yank me pretty hard when you bolted for her clearing.  So it's not inaccurate to say you pulled me into a situation where I got hurt."  They plopped their head in my lap as this was so much talking and not enough pets.  "Yeah, I fell down and hit my head… and then she found me and brought me into her home and offered first aid."  Another bite of my sandwich and a glob of mustard escaped.  Badger dutifully cleaned it up.  "After my injuries were tended to, we just sat and talked about her work and her philosophy on life."  

    Thinking back, that conversation was awfully one sided.  She doesn't really even know anything about me other than a bunch of guilt for accidentally infecting me with her spores and driving me into a panic attack.  Ugh!  Why must feelings be like this?  I finished the last bite and turned back to the puppy head in my lap, "Should I tell them about the panic attack?"  They responded by shoving their head under my hand resting on my knee and not them.  "Yeah, you're right.  That's an important part of what I need help processing.  I'll tell them."

    I cleaned up the table and got the dishes all situated.  Badger's water bowl was a bit low so I topped that off and got myself a small glass of wine as this conversation might be hard.  I collected my VR kit and sat on the couch.  They make fancy full body haptic suits and treadmill things to walk around on these days, but I'm a small town librarian who dropped out of college to take care of eir dying mother, so I only have a capable, lightweight headset and some haptic power gloves.  I took a big swig of wine and logged in.

    Loading the game put me into character selection.  There, standing in front of me, was Marinara - a nickname lovingly bestowed upon me by Cairn - cycling through idle animations. Ey was about the same height as me in life, just shy of 6 feet.  Eir build was about the same as mine as well but with subtle alterations made out of wish fulfillment.  The blessed hormone cocktail I stabbed myself with every week has done well for me over the years, adding curves and rounding out a bunch of the harder masculine edges.  In game as in life, I greatly enjoyed leaning into the sexy queer librarian aesthetic.  My avatar had curly dark hair, with a side shaved off, up in a tight bun held by a decorative hairpin with an octopus of casted silver at its top.  Button down maroon blouse, with the buttons open to highlight the open book pendant on a silver chain that hung just at the top of visible cleavage.  Black slacks covered my legs, and some good stompy boots on my feet.  We're on a spaceship and heels wouldn't work well.  Glasses with a thick black frame and bright red lipstick that looked so good next to eir five o’clock shadow.  Pretty good look if I do say so myelf.

    Taking a deep calming breath, I pressed confirm.  After a quick loading screen I found myself on the deck of our ship, the Bonney Anne, named after the queer pirate lady.  No sooner than I had plopped down I heard a androgynous shout from behind me.  "Marin!!  You left us hanging for soooo loooong!!!"  

    I turned around to see Cairn's taller than real life avatar striding quickly towards me.  They are barely over five feet tall, five two in their normal heeled loafers, but in game they were six foot two.  All their little gremlin mannerisms stayed despite their long lanky frame.  They wore a soft fluffy orange sweater with a green khaki cargo vest over top and fitted red cargo shorts on the bottom with matching red Chucks on their feet.  On their longer than real life legs they reached me in no time and swept me up in a twirling hug.  The headset I used had gyroscopes on gimbals inside the frame that when combined with something they did with pressure in the ear muffs made for an approximation of feeling like I was spinning through the air.  I couldn't feel their hands on me, but as I hugged them back the gloves gave me the sense of their warmth and the texture of their vest and back under my fingers.  I need more hugs in my life.

    They set me down and facing over their shoulder I saw Lilly was just stepping out of her cabin.  She worked hard for her well muscled physique in life and did very well translating it into game.  She was about five foot ten and wearing the stereotypical mechanic lady garb of a grease stained brown jumpsuit, top half hanging behind her with the sleeves tied at her waist.  On her exposed torso she wore a white tank top over a black sports bra which was easily seen through the top’s well worn threads.  She leaned back against a railing, crossing arms under her chest, muscles flexing slightly under her terracotta skin.  A big grin crossed on her playfully stern face as she saw me. "You really did keep us waiting."  Her deep breathy voice had an air of sultry disappointment that never ceased to cause all of my insides to quiver in the most delightful ways.  

    Her effect on me was somehow conveyed to Cairn as they chuckled and leaned back.  "Looks like someone is happy to see you Lilly."  The smirk on their face made me blush bright red.  The cameras on the headset captured my expression perfectly to be replicated on my avatar for all to see.

    "I can help it!  She's so hot when she takes that tone with me!"  They both nodded sagely while holding back snickering.

    "I'll keep teasing you more Mx. Marin, if you don't sit down and tell us more about this mystery person you've met."  She doubled down on the tone of voice as she stalked closer and pointed at the sofa in the galley.

    I managed to control my face this time, prepared as I was for her onslaught.  "Ugh… yes Mistress," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes and sticking out my tongue at her... though I still went straight to the couch to sit where I was told.  Cairn joined me on the couch and Lilly took a comfy chair across from us.  My friends listened intently as I recounted the tale of my encounter with the lovely Sylph, the truth of her otherworldly heritage altered and obfuscated in the ways I workshopped with Badger of course.  

    They both followed along, nodding and occasionally asking a clarifying question, but generally letting me speak uninterrupted.  I was just getting to my panic attack...  "Everything was going so well, and she was being so very kind, and interesting... and interested."  My eyes went wide saying that last bit as I stared at the bulkhead across from me.  I took a deep breath and a moment to prepare.

    I must have been making them aware of my growing stress because Lilly moved closer, squatting in front of me, and Cairn scooted next to me on the couch.  "And then what happened?" Lilly gently urged me on.

    My eyes started watering but I continued.  "I just started realizing how fast my feelings were moving, and how I haven't had those feelings for anyone new in years.  The way she was looking at me was just soooo much, and I had a meltdown panic attack right in front of her, directly after she said something so very sweet about how right it felt meeting me."  Tears started streaking down my face.  "She tried to comfort me and all I could do was swat her away!"  And now I was crying.  Jillian took my hands in her own from where her avatar was perched on her heels in front of me.  I could feel the pressure of her grip, the softness of her skin, her warmth.  The way both Cairn and Lilly were right there with me even though they were so far away… I'd give almost anything to hug them both to me right now.  The trust we had built together was deep and I knew in my bones that I was safe here with the two of them.  They let me feel through that moment with Sylph again.  

    Cairn spoke after I'd calmed some, "What happened next honey?"  They placed a virtual hand on my back that I longed to be able to feel.

    The thought of how much I wanted to feel their hand, but couldn't - juxtaposed against how much I felt Sylph's hand last night, but couldn't take - actually brought a smile to my face and I let out a giggle.  "I think it was only about 10 minutes, I'm not really sure, but I was cuddling up against Badger and coming back to myself… and she was humming.  Softly humming some tune while she… uh… was working… on her computer."  Ugh, there's no way they bought that, I was doing so well and now they're gonna be suspicious…  I remembered my wine in reality and lifted my visor to grab it and take a sip.  

    Back into virtual, I continued,  "I laid there with Badger on her bed and just stared at her being so cute, biting her lip while working away at something, her voice was so soothing… and I started worrying and spiraling again, so I knew it was time to go."

    Cairn let out a groan, "You just left?  Did you at least get her number!?"  

    "Uh… no?  But I know where she lives, and she told me that Badger and I were welcome back anytime!"  I looked at Cairn hopefully, the expression of exasperated disappointment on their face remained, and I slumped into myself.  "But I don't know!  I'm so full of hopeless crush feels and now being near her is gonna be so heckin’ awkward!"

    "So let's go over this again," Cairn said, holding up their hand, "you meet this girl, and she's gorgeous,"  they put a finger up, "she brings you into her home to nurse you back to health from a head wound," another finger up, "she's a researcher into all that bio shit you love," another finger, "she's giving you all the signals she's interested in you, and you are obviously falling for her" two more fingers, they gesture vaguely at all of me with their now open hand while putting thick heavy emphasis on their drawn out theatrical 'obviously,' "you melt down in front of her, straight up slap her, but she's cool and just chills in the room humming softly at you, waiting for you to chill yourself?"  They stare at me expectantly.

    "Yeah… I guess"

    Cairn, not so gently, slapped me on the forehead.  I didn't feel the impact, but my head jerked back as the gyros all suddenly twisted on their gimbals.  "BITCH, you need to go back there and be with this woman!"

   I stare at my friend, mouth open in shock.  Lilly, who's been nodding along with them as they counted off the reasons,  squeezes my hands and chimes in, "They're right you know."

    Betrayal!  My shocked face turns to her, I pull my hands away dramatically as if burned.  "No fair both of you are ganging up on me!"  They both chuckle and shrug.  "I'm such a mess though.  She probably wouldn't want anything to do with me if she knew how much of a needy anxious wreck I am."

    Lilly sarcastically pretended to weigh over my points before saying, "Marin dear, have you considered trusting her enough to ask her?"

   I gasped and clutched at my chest, "but that's so hard!"  I choked out the words through exaggerated sobs and we all broke down laughing.  I love my friends!