September 7th, 2032
We Kissed!!! We kissed a lot!! I kissed an alien and I liked it!! Aaaaaa!! I spent the night with Sylph and her bed is indeed more comfy than mine, it’s so very warm. Both the bed and also her. We didn’t have sex. Oh, my brain and many parts of my body contemplated it, but It didn’t feel right after how much of my time with her was crying. Also I really think I’d need a lot more talking before I felt at all comfortable with what sex would even be with her. Mostly we just cuddled and talked and then slept. It turns out she sleeps too. She doesn’t have to but it was part of her adaptations before coming here, taking on a human sleep cycle. OH! and her hair smells like honeysuckle, she picked that out herself and I look forward to all the sense memories I get to generate of that smell.
The way that light fills a mountain valley during sunrise is very much one of the things I appreciate about my home town. The sky lights up first. Moving through the dark of space and twinkling stars, through the pink and orange of morning, to the blue of a clear day's sky, all without ever seeing the sun. The first bright light is the reflection off the snowy peaks to the west of town. A jagged mountainous landscape of shadow slowly works it's way down the slopes, rushing faster to meet you the closer it gets. On this particular morning, when the sun crested over the peaks to the east, and I felt its warmth on my face, it couldn't really compare to the giddy excited heat I felt in my chest as I walked home with Badger.
I was probably going to be late to the library today. I doubt anyone would give a crap considering how little they actually needed my help and how much they were cheering for me to have my date go well. They'd probably give me the rest of the week off as long as I gave them the gossip of how things went. I've been through the whirlwind of new relationship energy before though, and I know it's dangers. There's a pull to lean into the thrilling lusty excitement of the new, which comes at the cost of pulling away from the deep loving support of the old. Sylph had a constant connection to the support of her collective. I couldn't fathom the level of relationship - filled with interdependence and interconnectivity - that this brought her. I was only human, and humans thrive on physical contact and proximity with those they love.
That's all not to say I wasn't going to see her again tonight. We still had the pressing matter of brain fungus to resolve. Plus she real pretty... and smell nice… and lips… My heart fluttered against my ribcage at the thought of kissing her again.
Badger woofed out a kindly greeting to Mrs. Rosewood who was watering her garden. I shook my head to clear the imagined sensation of Sylph's mouth on my neck and I waved to our neighbor. I hadn't used a mirror this morning, but I imagine I looked the picture of the proverbial "walk of shame" that misogynistic media loves to cast upon femmes venturing the streets the morning after a hopefully delightful tryst. I preferred to think of mine today as a "walk of joy". My formerly done up hair, a halo of bobby pins and frizz. My eyes, puffy from crying happy tears and preferring the feel of body against body over sleep. My lipstick smeared, on mine as well as Sylph's lips, cheeks, and neck. I made sure to admire the signs of my passing while cuddled up behind her following the second snooze of my alarm. After living next to Mrs. Delores Rosewood most of my life, I knew the grin on her very gracefully aged face was congratulatory and filled with compersion. Probably had her own period of slutery in her life.
I winked and grinned back as we passed and made it through the gate to our home. I fired off some quick texts to the library family and my group chat with Cairn and Lilly detailing how my crush on Sylph had been found quite requited. I put the phone on silent and tossed it to the couch to let them all suffer without details while Badger and I got ready for the day. Larry and Lilly would both return that suffering upon me in their own very different ways, but it was worth it.
* * *
Leaning into my heightened desire to lavish affection on people I cared for, I brought fancy beverages from the local coffee shop with me to the library. David and Jessie were all smiles accepting their drinks from me. Larry scowled at me over a tablet screen for depriving him of date details for so long, but knew he couldn't be too grumpy at me as I held all the power in this exchange. Despite the brat in me delighting in drawing this out, I hugged him good morning and through a giddy smirk said, "We kissed!" loud enough for all to hear.
Larry squealed and wrapped me up in a twirling hug. The rest of the triad joined in when my feet were finally on the ground and not flailing around presenting hazards to shins drifting too close. Yay hugs!
"It was the pizza wasn't it?" David asked with a grin.
I scoffed at him, and gave him an affectionate head bonk as my arms were still tied up by Larry. "Yes, as always, all my dating success comes as the sole result of Professor Pancakes' food suggestions." We all giggled at my heavy sarcasm, "But also, she really did like the pizza."
The hug broke up and we filtered over to the reading nook. "So yeah, I rambled at her for a while about how things have been for me for the last several years, and why that makes these types of emotions hard for me. Then she rambled at me about her…" I was suddenly at a loss for words. I had no clue how to even begin to describe even a small part of the things Sylph and I talked about in any way that could present her as a simple earthling. In my elation over how well things went last night I didn't even bother to think this through.
I looked to the expectant eyes of my family, and I had to look away. I couldn't look at them. The shame and guilt of trying to work out the best falsehood to spin swept through me. I couldn't continue to lie to the loving people who helped raise me. I opened my mouth to apologize, but the connection between it and language had left me.
After serval attempts of speaking that had me looking like a fish out of water, Jessie put a hand on the table where my gaze had fallen. "Marin honey, brain being rude and taken words from you?"
I nodded.
"Do you need some space?"
I shook my head no.
"Would you like to try text or signing?"
I could see both her index fingers circling in the corner of my vision. I repeated the motion back. The sign for "signing." I was by no means fluent, but I knew enough ASL to talk about my needs or basic concepts for when my autistic brain decided that verbal communication was no longer available. Jessie has a cousin who's deaf and she taught me when I was young. I sat up in my chair, still looking at the table and worked my way through communicating. "Not my place to say. Need to talk to S-y-l-p-h before, or let her."
As Jessie relayed that to the others, I felt compelled to go through the letters of her name again with finger spelling. I giggled to myself bringing everyone's curious looks back to me. I chuckled at their faces and signed, "Her name is fun to sign," before spelling it out for the third time more smoothly, dopey grin plastered on my face.
They all rolled their eyes and laughed at me. "Yup, ey're hopelessly lost in this crush," David added between guffaws.
I shrugged and signed her name again to myself.
Larry sighed, "You don't have to tell us anything you don't know if she'd be comfortable with you sharing, but we do need to know about how you're happy and comfortable with her."
At that I nodded emphatically, cleared my throat, and was able to speak again. "We talked about feelings, and found that where we were both at was actually pretty compatible. It was very cute how surprised and clueless she was when I told her I was having feelings for her. Like meeting someone was the most remote unimaginable possible outcome for her coming here; she didn't even consider it." Everyone's smiles grew as I found myself back into my standard excited rambling speech patterns. "But then she considered it, and said "I feel very strongly that kissing you would be generative and fulfilling."" I took on Sylph's measured and thoughtful tone when quoting her, pausing for a moment for them to all appreciate how wonderful she is. I'm sure they did, how could they not?
"And then I kissed her." I said regally, with a hand to my puffed out chest. "I'm quite proud of that moment."
What followed was a chorus of "awwwwwwwwwwww" from my family, and also some library patrons who'd been subtly eavesdropping. I blushed brightly, but was too pleased with myself to care.
At that moment a phone with a ringtone similar to mine went off, causing me to check my phone… on which there were a great deal of messages from the library group chat, and three times as many from the one with Lilly and Cairn. "Oh shit! I left my phone on silent all morning!" Larry scoffed at me for that.
Scrolling through I found messages from them flowed from being ecstatic at me for things having gone well, to escalating disappointment at me taking so long to give details, and finally to a game of one-upsmanship between the two: The positing over the past hour of increasingly lewd theories for what act Sylph and I were engaged in that was currently keeping me occupied. Many of the possibilities pressed upon my mind, causing me to consider them very carefully. My brightly reddened face combined with my aghast expression drove my chuckling family off to contribute to the actual running of the library.
Scrolling further into the chat, I found the suggested situations becoming even more explicit in ways they knew would fluster me. Oh no, I need to put a stop to this!
- 10:22 - Marinara: 😳Fuck, please staaaaaaaap! The two of you are making me all squirmy and blushing at work. Won't somebody please think of the children ⁉️
- 10:22 - Marinara: Thank fuck I wore secure underwear and a loose skirt today😶
- 10:24 - CairnRocks🪨!: 😈😈😈😈
- 10:25 - LillyVale: It serves you right for not paying any attention to us dear Marin. You know better than to dangle something in front of us and not expect it to be bitten👄
My insides did a flip as I knew exactly what she would sound like and the face she’d be making at me had that last line been uttered in real life. It took several minutes to calm myself…
- 10:28 - Marinara: But I do so love to tease the two of you😜
- 10:30 - LillyVale: You are very good at it and it is appreciated *on occasion*
- 10:30 - LillyVale: But you do need to tell us more details so we may support and love you in all the ways you deserve.
- 10:31 - CairnRocks🪨!: Like did you kiss her yet!!!???
- 10:32 - Marinara: As a matter of fact, I did!
- 10:32 - CairnRocks🪨!: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
- 10:33 - CairnRocks🪨!: Sylph and Marin sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!!
- 10:34 - LillyVale: Yes, good! You have been without the attention you’ve deserved for so long and you've FINALLY had some.
- 10:34 - Marinara: And then I proceeded to laugh-cry into her shoulder for several minutes whilst straddling her lap 😭😂😭😂😭😂😭
I really do love a good laugh-cry! Like an emotional orgasm!
- 10:35 - LillyVale: My dear wonderful Marin, you really are too sweet and precious for this world😘
Nope, that’s Sylph. I giggled. Such a great pun that I must keep to myself.
- 10:36 - CairnRocks🪨!: You really do love those. I remember the first time you visited, just being cuddled up between us kicked it off. I swear it was 5 minutes before you slowed down. We were so worried we broke you!
- 10:38 - Marinara: You did break me! Y’all were too nice to me… like the real me. To be viewed as attractive and deserving of affection for the first time as some real authentic version of yourself is a hell of a fucking drug!!😳😳😳
- 10:40 - LillyVale: It sure fucking is. I chased after so many worthless chasers’ affection just for another chance at that high after I first came out.
- 10:41 - LillyVale: I’m so very extremely happy we could be your first so you could be safe and held while moving through that💞
I remember Lilly talking to me about her past. Her parents weren’t at all supportive of her transition. She moved out the second she could and paid for her shitty apartment off the “goodwill” of VR sexchat clients. Seeking comfort in the validation of chasers, slang for cis men who fetishize trans women, wreks havoc on on the self esteem of a young, newly out, trans woman completely lacking in community or support. My eyes started watering just thinking about what she went through prior to meeting Cairn, moving to San Francisco, and filling her life with actual community.
- 10:42 - Marinara: I fuckin’ love you two❣️😭❣️😭
- 10:43 - Marinara: I’ll shower each of you with so much safe and supportive affection anytime you ever need it, and so many times when you don’t, for all you’ve given me❣️
I only just now noticed the sweet smell of flapjacks and looked up. David had apparently sat down some time ago. “Marin honey, are you doing okay? We’ve been giving you some space, but you know I can’t bear to see you cry alone.”
I sniffled, “Yeah, I’m okay. Telling my totally not hetero quasiplatonic lifemates about last night and realizing how much I miss the two of them.”
“When was the last time you were together? It’s been since before you moved back here right?”
“Yeah, at least three years.” Has it really been that long?
David looked thoughtful for a moment, “I know you have a lot going on right now. It being right after the anniversary of when Aria moved on, and now new things with Sylph occupying you. Have you considered inviting the two of them to visit? You’ve got the spare room, and we have a guest room with us if you need your space.”
I’d honestly not. Lilly and Cairn had offered many times after I’d moved here, as mom’s health was declining, after her passing… But I’d always turned them away, not willing to accept support for some incomprehensible reason. Looking up at David and his beautiful kind eyes, I realized I’d turned him away too. Jessie and Larry as well. They’d offered time and time again to spend time with mom, take her to treatments, to pick up some responsibility so I could have a night to myself. But I’d told them all I was fine. Feeling like I could do this all on my own had been some badge of pride, but who even benefited from me having that badge? Sure as fuck wasn’t me. I went non-verbal just half an hour earlier from being unable to lie to them, but I had already been lying to them for years! Most of all, I'd been lying to myself.
Something changed in me last night, crying into Sylph. Like a new lens through which to view my life had slid into place. David’s words set me looking through this lens at the time since I moved back. I realized how miserable I'd been. I saw my mother's health declining. I saw the strain that was putting on Jessie, Larry, and David. I saw the needs of the people who'd given me so much love and support to get me to who I was, a version of me that was so much more vivid and interested in life, and I had to give back. This was the right choice, but… I gave up school... community... friends… I gave up my possibilities after my transition into life, to help her through her own transition into death. In doing so I slowly gave up on myself. I closed myself to others, to the idea of a happy and fulfilling life. How could I deserve that as her life was slipping away?
Through this new lens Sylph helped open in me, I saw that grief and loss didn't have to be that. They didn't have to be a closing off to connection… a closing off to possibilities, to life. I could choose to let people in, to help me move through my grief and help them through theirs in turn. In choosing to open myself up to Sylph, I opened myself up to life again.
I looked back to David, sitting quietly watching me. He probably knew I was working through something, and wonderful as he is, he let me do so. With renewed tears in my eyes, I stood and motioned for him to scooch over from the edge of the loveseat he'd been perched upon. When he did, I plopped down next to him and pulled his arm around me. "I'm sorry I didn't let y'all help me"
Unfazed by the sudden shift in topic, he squeezed me close. "We figured you'd let us know when you were ready. You're so strong, but sometimes so very dense and stubborn." He sniffled and let out a small giggle, "You get that from her you know?"
I giggled back and wrapped an arm around behind him to squeeze him back. "Yeah, I know." With my free hand I pulled out my phone and sent off a message that I should have sent so many other times over the past three years.
- 11:03 - Marinara: Hey, would you two be interested in visiting sometime?
Crying is good. It's healthy. This chapter certainly made my cry.
Crying is good actually😭