War? Yeah, I’ve seen war. Dozens of starving students tackling, clawing, biting, and even fire breathing to reach the front of the crowded lunch line in time to get their fill. In all my years, I’ve never respected anyone more than the brave people standing their ground and serving up food against such an inexorable tide. As I stare at the impromptu fight club that has broken out in the cafeteria, I quickly realize that buying food at this school just isn’t an option for me. No siree bob.

 

Well, this blows. No friends, no food, no fun, and most of all, no fucking idea what to do next. I now have an hour to do absolutely nothing with my life but reflect on how incredibly hungry I’m quickly becoming. 

 

Aimlessly wandering through the filled-up tables, I feel something wrap around my left ankle, anchoring me in place. Looking down, I see a reptilian tail with shimmering onyx black scales coiling my leg in a firm yet painless embrace. The wayward appendage tugs me toward its source. With no peaceful way to refuse such a request, I follow along until I reach a table with three metamorphosed casually chatting as if I wasn’t being compelled to visit them. 

 

The first of the group is a large guy with rippling action hero muscles that never would have been possible in high school pre-metamorphosis. This titan also has rounded ears on his head, a huge lumberjack beard, and intimidating black claws on his hands; big ole grizzly dude, I’m guessing. The second person is obviously some kind of siren, her wings ablaze with a vibrant array of colorful feathers that seem to shift into a prismatic blend of hues as they catch the light differently. Finally, directly across from where I’ve been dragged, sits a lamia. The lower half of her body is covered in black scales that shine like polished obsidian, her tail matching the luster and shine of her long, smooth hair. After entirely too long ignoring someone she’s brought to heel (or by heel in this case) herself, the Lamia turns to me with a sly grin. “Why hello there, you must be new around here. Care to maybe join us for a second?”

 

Yeah, I don’t speak coy-tonese. Been meaning to take an online class for it someday, but when will I ever find the time? “You know, most people just say hello if they want to talk to someone. The whole leg lock thing you got going here is a bit much.” A sharp tug of her tail knocks me off balance and I fall into the empty seat in front of me. “Y’see, not a fan of your twisted version of footsie here.”

 

The lamia considers my words before releasing my leg and returning her tail to the coils underneath her; this in turn causes her entire form to rise another foot off the ground. “You know, a lot of boys around here would kill to have any part of me that close to them.” The woman pouts in an exaggerated manner. She can’t possibly think that’s cute, right?

 

“Well then, you should go find one of them and have a lovely life with a white picket fence and two and a half children. I’ve got places to be.” I don’t have anywhere to be, but that simple gem of a line has gotten me out of so many uncomfortable situations it’s become a permanent part of my lexicon. Before I can even think about standing up and retreating, as I am one to do, a large -- strike that -- insanely gigantic hand is placed on my shoulder.

 

“Chill out, man.” A voice that I can only describe as deeper than the Earth’s core rumbles the table and chairs around us as the bearded man chuckles. “Look, Libby here comes on strong, but… you know what, bad example.” Gesturing towards himself and the siren he continues. “Tamara and I won’t let the mean snake lady hurt you, so don’t worry. We just want to talk.” Paul Bunyan slides me a cafeteria tray absolutely piled with mashed potatoes, biscuits, and fried chicken. Call it a hunger hallucination, but I swear the steam wafting off of the feast forms a hand beckoning me with a “come hither” wave of its finger.

 

Of all the incredibly insulting things I’ve seen in my life. Did these people think I’m so cheap as to be bought off with this middling mess hall medley from this mediocre metropolitan menagerie? The nerve! “Thank you so much!” The will is strong but the body is weak and low on fuel, so I guess their shameless ploy works… for now!

 

I look the bear-man in the face and he’s smiling widely even through his beard. The many alarms that have been going through my head cease as I let myself untense and sink into my chair before attacking the potatoes with reckless abandon. The prismatic effect of the siren’s feathers shifts with some degree of control and when she faces me, the vast majority of her plumage turns a bright yellow that contrasts her darker complexion. “Glad you’re willing to accept our little peace offering. We know you’re new and figured we could show you that at least some of us metamorphosed aren’t out to get ya.”

 

“Geezsss louisssse,” the lamia hisses, rolling her eyes at her friends. “Could you two be any less direct? We’re bribing you not to report Haley for what happened this morning, this isn’t some heavy-handed act of altruism. This is quid pro quo, you eat, you shut your pie hole… capiche?”

 

The siren hides her face with a talon as her feathers shift to a bright pink. “Tact, Libby, you ever heard of it? You don’t always have to be so abrasive.” The siren chides her friend as Smokey the bear shoots the lamia a death glare, prompting the snake woman’s coils to fidget under his gaze. “Despite her abysmal wording, yes, we were hoping to convince you not to get Haley in trouble. Sorry for being so obtuse about it. We know it’s not easy to just drop something like being mugged first thing in the morning.”

 

“Honestly, I probably wasn’t going to report her anyway.” I answer, prompting a slew of flabbergasted faces. “She kind of got the worst of it today. I’ve been trying to help her to the nurse’s office since it all went down. Speaking of which, since you’re all her friends, any chance one of you can help her to the infirmary?” I ask, hoping against hope that the drama of today can come to a swift and decisive end. The trio’s eyes drop to the floor as an unspoken consensus is formed on the matter. “You three are her friends… right?”

 

“Umm, kinda, I guess, not really anymore. It’s complicated.” The siren blushes and her feathers burn a vibrant red. Of course it’s complicated. Everything always has to be so damned complicated. Only now in this late hour did I understand the frustration that Avril Lavigne must have felt when writing one of her hit singles. “Suffice it to say that we all just want Haley to be okay… and to that end--”

 

“You want to rope me even further into this teen highschool melodrama? Nah, I missed the first three seasons and I’m just not that invested in the characters.” I think these people keep forgetting that this is literally my first day at this school. They don’t even know my name! I should be figuring out how to get from A to B, trying to remember the names of my teachers, collecting a plethora of syllabi that will undoubtedly go unread for the entirety of the semester… not starring in some Degrassi 90210 Tree Hill fever dream.

 

There’s a long pause as my words settle in, the uncomfortable silence only broken by the admittedly aggressive sounds of me tearing apart the chicken legs on my plate. What? A person’s gotta eat! “Sorry.” Goliath is the first to say something. “My friend’s and I were so wrapped up in our own shit we hadn’t considered what this must be like for you. Maybe we can start fresh? My name is Xander, this is Libby and Tamara.” In turn, Xander points to the scowling lamia and the siren waving fast enough I’m convinced she might take off flying any second. “May we ask for your name in return?”

 

“I’m Wa-- W. You all can just call me W,” I finally manage to choke out. “It’s been lovely enjoying this meal and all, but I’m honestly not up for whatever ideas you all have cooking. It’s enough for me to know that you’re aware of Haley’s situation and I’m sure as people invested enough in her wellbeing to bribe someone, that one of you will bite the bullet and help her out. So, if you all have nothing else to say to me, that’s all folks.” I brace my hands on the table to stand up.

 

“Won’t you need help again tomorrow?” Libby stares at me with a smug smile. “Wouldn’t it be in your best interest to have friends that are a little bit more adapted for survival than you are? Not having to worry about that lunch line, company during breaks, protection against stronger people that wish you harm… you can’t very well pass all that up, can you?” I’ll be the first to admit, this lamia is an effective temptress. “All you have to do is help us out every once in a while. You scratch our backs, we scratch yours. Everybody wins. Sounds nice, right?”

 

That sounds like a whole lot of back-scratching, and to be honest I’m not that itchy… or fond of physical contact. “Hard pass. Nice pitch though, very clean, maybe workshop it a bit more and it’ll work on the next sucker that passes through!” 

 

With no further ado, I hop out of my seat and swipe the biscuits from my tray before getting the hell out of dodge. Footloose and fancy free, I decide to take a stroll around campus. If I can at least figure out where everything is, today won’t be a complete waste. Coming up on the split in the hall that can either take me back to the demoness or outside the main building, I stick to my convictions and turn to the exit.

 

Behind me, I can hear snickering and giggles along with some strange clacking. Not that what’s happening back there is of any consequence to someone as uninvested as myself. That whole ordeal is strictly behind me, both figuratively and literally. Not a single force on this planet could compel me to even glance--

 

Something tugs at my ankle as my foot is swept behind me and I’m forced to spin on my heel to keep balanced. Libby quickly slithers away once I’m stuck watching one of the saddest sights I’ve ever seen play out. 

 

Haley is hopping down the hallway on her only good foot while her wings, which I guess aren’t strong enough for full-on flight, weakly propel her forward bit by bit. All the while, the few scattered groups of students are having a blast making jokes at her expense. The demoness’ jaw is clenched tight as she grunts with effort after each leap and struggles to keep her balance as she lands.

 

Wow, that’s rough to watch… boy, am I glad I have nothing to do with this situation. Now to turn around and -- One of the bystanders manages to shoulder check Haley, ruining her balance and sending her to the floor. Alright, that’s uncalled for. Honestly, why would anyone even do that? And why is everyone laughing at her? Are you telling me there’s not a single soul in this place that’s willing to help a sister out? Even from the opposite end of the hall, I see Haley shaking on the floor as she slams her fist into the tile on the ground. She roars with frustration and some of the less confident spectators flee the scene.

 

You know, it wouldn’t kill me to just swing by and ask if she needs help just one more time… right? NO! Don’t fall for the ploy! We have already washed our hands of this. Now, to focus on things that actually matter… like the way her body just went limp. Her wings slowly close around her as she continues trembling.

 

Oh for the love of -- It’s like I can hear that damned Sarah McLachlan song guilting me into adopting a puppy.  Seeing no recourse, I power walk to the downed demon and tap her shoulder to announce my presence. “Hey there, I know you’ve already told me to hit the road six ways to Sunday, but I’m figuring that circumstances have changed. Would you like some help to the nurse’s office?” A muffled reply is spoken into the floor, accomplishing nothing. “Look, I get that this situation here sucks… like, really fuckin’ sucks. And this is going to sound like a lame canned reaction, but what’s happening now, it’s temporary. You’re going to recover from this and everything will be just fine.”

 

“Nothing is ever fine…” a weak voice, almost unrecognizable as Haley’s, murmurs softly. “Nothing.”

 

The bravado and rage from earlier melts away leaving nothing but an honesty I’m too unfamiliar with to comprehend. Despite the circumstances that have led to this moment, I can’t help but want her to stop hurting. Without waiting for a proper answer on the help front, I gently grab her arm and sling it over my shoulder. Rallying what pathetic human strength I have at my disposal, I stand up, wrapping my arm around her waist to keep her steady. Thankfully, she plants her good foot on the ground and takes her own share of weight back, allowing me to act as nothing but a scrawny walking stick.

 

As we walk down the hallway, and the rubbernecks all find something more entertaining to watch, Haley keeps her eyes glued to the floor. I’m the last person who should be giving any kind of pep talks or advice. My own retained “normal” humanity is evidence enough that I haven’t figured out my own shit, let alone anyone else’s. However, sometimes the right words simply present themselves and in that one in a million, beautiful moment… you just have to say what needs to be said. “Pain may be temporary, but you know what isn’t? Sweet sweet vengeance.” The pointed ear closest to me twitches. “You should take a quick look around, remember all of the assholes that made you feel this way. Then, when you feel better, you can return the favor tenfold.” Alright, convincing anyone that revenge is the answer is obviously a major party-foul and huge no-no, but it does get Haley to crack a smile. I’m both relieved and disturbed that this strategy works so well.

 

The same wolfish sneer she showed me when I was pinned to the wall returns to her face as she locks eyes with me. “You’re right.” Dear lord, I’ve created a monster… What was Plan A again? “And guess who’s right at the top of my list?” Please let it be Rando Nonameson or some equally ambiguous person. Finally arriving at the nurse’s office, I’m able to deposit Haley onto one of the cots set up in the unoccupied room. “Oh, the fun we’ll have together.” I’m pretty sure we have two irreconcilably different views on the word fun.

 

“Sure, try and make me suffer… if you can catch me.”

 

The demoness chuckles to herself as she lets her eyes close, obviously tuckered out from the happenings of the day. Alright, so, found my mortal nemesis and gave her the bright idea to go all Cobra Kai and show no mercy. Great stuff, just wonderful. Really embracing my idiocy from day one here… at least I’m true to my usual form. As the telling sound of snores start filling the room, I grab the saved biscuits from my bag and stack them up on a table next to Haley’s bed. They may be crumby, dry, and the lowlight of the entire school dining experience… but they’re better than nothing.