Booking it down suburban streets is not a fun way to start the day. Yet here I find myself, five minutes before first period and still a good ten minutes away from school. One of the few things I’ve inherited from my mom is an unhealthy infatuation with the snooze button. Now I’m paying for this fatal attraction as I have many times in the past. Will any lessons be learned today? Probably not, but I still enjoy complaining when I have absolutely no desire for self-improvement.

 

The courtyard is dead silent as I haul ass down the cobbled path to the imposing double doors of the main school building. I can’t help but marvel at how nice this campus truly is when you’re not trying to escape the clutches of some wannabe Saturday morning cartoon villain. Crashing through the doors, I sprint down the hallway with all of my might. Yes, I’m already tardy but I can at least pretend that I care if I show up now covered in sweat and totally out of breath. That’s gotta count for something, right?

 

Passing by a supply closet, I feel something long wrap around my waist. “The fuck--” My mad dash to class is interrupted by a sharp tug and I find myself sprawled out on the floor of a closet surrounded by three familiar figures. Tamara and Xander are smiling and waving while Libby wipes her tail with a disgusted look on her face. Yeah, I’m not about to apologize about the sweat. Least you can do is buy someone dinner before you constrict them. “Does anybody actually go to classes here or is this whole school just a set piece for social hour!?”

 

The siren puffs her cheeks in a pout while her feathers shimmer into a bright orange. “Excuse me, I’ll have you know I have -- er… had a perfect attendance record. We’re here for your benefit!” Somehow, I highly doubt that. 

 

Xander offers me a hand and pulls me to my feet. “Come on, W,” The use of my self-inflicted single letter moniker makes me flinch. Yeah, I know that I was all about getting people to call me that before, but now that there’s an alternative… it just doesn’t seem right the way it used to. “Don’t you remember what today is?” Xander asks in that annoying way where it's obvious that someone wants you to venture a guess before they give up the goods. I know today isn’t a major holiday; the fact that I got up before noon is proof enough of that. It’s not my birthday, not that anyone here would know or care.

 

“Happy Easter?” Look, I’ll be honest, I don’t know how the day for Easter is chosen every year. All I know is that at some point stores start selling chocolate rabbits and that’s pretty rad.

 

Tamara bursts out into boisterous laughter while Libby rolls her eyes. “Told you the dumbass was going to forget.” The lamia sighs, still cleaning her tail. “W, please tell me you at least remember what happened a week ago today.”

 

Dudette, I don’t even remember what I ate for breakfast today. One week ago… I think that’s the day Franky changed, which means it’s also the day that Haley helped me not become puppy chow. Hold on, I think she mentioned something else important about… Oh, fuck me gently with a jackhammer. “Haley’s leg!”

 

With a pat to the shoulder that I think is supposed to be comforting and not bone-shattering, Xander gives me a thumbs up. “There you go, man. I knew you’d get it.”

 

“Yup, I got it. Signed sealed delivered, I’m screwed.” For an entire blissful week, I’ve simply forgotten that my life has a firm and definitive expiration date.

 

Draping a feathered wing over me, Tamara giggles. “Don’t you worry, W. Even though you staunchly refused our fabulous offer before, you still ended up helping Haley out.” Yes, after being manipulated by Libby, don’t go rewriting history! “So we’ve decided that you’re one of us whether you like it or not! Now, we just need to figure out a way to keep you alive.” Not to be nitpicky, but that isn’t nearly as comforting as she thinks it is.

 

Slithering closer to me, Libby stabs my chest repeatedly with her pointer finger. “Don’t go getting the wrong idea, bub. We are not friends. Once Haley cools off and moves on, you’re getting tossed out like yesterday’s garbage.” That’s the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me. “Besides, I can’t have you kicking the bucket and leaving me with the whole damn math presentation by myself. Not. Happening.”

 

Cupping his hand around my ear and whispering loudly enough for everyone in the small storage area to hear, Xander says “Don’t worry about her, she’s just mad because you’re the first guy in years to blow her off. Dealt a real blow to her pride. Plus she thinks you’re kind of cute.” Yeah right, the only way anybody will ever find me cute is if they find me so ugly that the audacity of my existence somehow circles around back into the realm of endearing… like a pug.

 

Libby shoots Xander a glare so venomous it makes whatever she’s packing in her fangs redundant. “Xan, when we’re done saving this dumbass, we’re gonna have some words.” Even as the large man laughs at the slightly reddened lamia, I can see a few drops of nervous sweat running down his face. 

 

“That about covers everything. During breaks and lunch, one or more of us will stick with you and help run interference if Haley makes a move. Just thought you should know why you’ll be seeing a lot more of us.” Tamara’s wings fade into a cool lavender as she smiles. “Now, if you don’t mind, I kind of do want to get to class. I’m hoping I can sweet talk my way out of being marked absent.”

 

As much as I want to complain about basically being abducted and forcibly inserted into a clique that I really have no business being involved with… the fact that I have people looking out for me is really quite comforting. There are so few times in my life where I’ve actually had a reason to feel safe. Maybe it’s my childlike naivete speaking, but this conversation truly has given me hope that things will work out for the best.

 

Being the closest to the door, I take the lead in exiting into the hallway. As soon as I step out, the door slams shut behind me and I see a grinning Haley holding it closed. Igniting one of her hands with a searing blaze that I can feel from a couple of feet away, she places her hand on the doorknob and melts it shut, effectively trapping the trio inside the supply room.

 

Seriously, hope can go fuck itself! “Worst bodyguards ever!!!” I scream, fully intending for the three stooges to hear my damning review of their services. As Haley takes a couple of slow, deliberate steps towards me, I match her in reverse. Before I know it, my back is pressed against a row of cold, metal lockers. Doesn’t this feel all too familiar? “Hey, Haley… you look well.”

 

“Oh, I’m doing fabulous. Ankle’s good as new and I just couldn’t wait to tell you the good news.” Haley takes another step that I’m unable to retreat from.

 

“You know, you didn’t have to go out of your way to tell me in person. E-mail is a thing, or text messages… carrier pigeons if you have one on hand…” The demoness steals another step and now we’re only about a foot apart. “Well, it’s been nice catching up and all but, you know, I should probably be getting to class. Gotta focus on my book-learning and grades and… other things?”

 

My left foot slides out a fraction of a centimeter, just to test the waters of Haley’s reaction time. In an instant, she closes the remaining gap between us and slams her fist into the lockers to the left of my head. Why the hell is that a romantic gesture in anime!? That shit is fucking terrifying! “What’s the matter, friend? Aren’t you going to attempt your daring escape right about now?” Haley’s smile grows uncomfortably wide as an entire gallery of gleaming, sharp teeth are put on display.

 

People often talk about fight or flight responses. Some people stand up to oppressors and fight back. Others (like me) deal with their problems by trying to outrun them. There are other “f”s that are sometimes added into the mix, like freeze or fawn, etcetera. Standing here, staring down an erupting Mount Vesuvius from a lovely villa in Pompei, I elect not to join the fleeing and panicking masses. If this truly is the end, why not enjoy one last glass of wine while the world ends around me. My new solution to this eternal struggle is… fold.

 

“Nah.” All of the tension that has built in my muscles releases in an instant. “Don’t really feel like it. Go nuts.”

 

The demon’s smile cracks for a moment before returning twofold. “Ahh, I see, too terrified to even move. I can’t really blame--”

 

“Nope. Just not feeling it today. Congratulations, you win. I’d ask you to be gentle, but really, what would that accomplish?” Crossing my arms, I gently lean back onto the lockers and cock my eyebrow. “Whenever you’re ready.” Haley’s eyes scan my face, again and again, looking for some sign of deceit or ill-intent. Is it really so hard to believe that I’ve got nothing up my sleeve here? Silly demon, tricks are for kids. Whatever quiet contemplation Haley’s engulfed in is cut short by a thundering boom as something that sounds vaguely like a battering ram collides with the welded-shut door. “Clocks ticking, friend.”

 

With a growl, Haley sweeps me up into her arms and takes off running for the stairs. Somehow, in the many times I’ve considered what horrific fate might befall me should Haley land me in her dastardly clutches… a princess carry never really made the list. Can’t say I’m complaining, though, I’ve never felt so pampered. With agility I can scarcely comprehend, Haley makes her way to the school’s rooftop, far from my would-be rescuers. Slightly winded, Haley looks down at me with a growl. “Alright, let’s try this again. I’m going to fucking hurt you if you don’t get away.”

 

Shrugging, while inadvertently snuggling closer to her, I reply, “Well, I’m literally in the palm of your hand. Have at it.”

 

Haley drops me like a sack of potatoes, ending the most pleasant traveling accommodations I’ve had the privilege of enjoying in my life. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to go! Why are you being so damned difficult!” The demoness stomps her foot in a huff.

 

“Difficult? I’m being so damned easy right now. I’m practically giving it away.” I’m sorry, Mom, I’ve become a shameless tart.

 

“That’s the problem!” With an exasperated sigh, Haley collapses onto the ground and sits with her knees to her chest. “Can’t you even be a fucking victim correctly? Goddamnit.”

 

I can’t be the only one absolutely confused by all this, right? First of all, I’m still alive… hooray? Second of all, Haley seems to have come out of this in more pain than me all over again. I should be looking at this as an absolute win, but a nagging need to know what’s going on eats away at my common sense. “Alright, say I wanted to be the perfect victim… what exactly would that entail? Come on, tell me how all of this was supposed to play out.”

 

Pulling her legs in closer, Haley buries her head in her knees and is silent for a good few minutes. Just when I think the conversation is over, she starts speaking again. “You were supposed to try and run away. I would have caught you, obviously, then you would have begged me to spare you. When you said the magic words ‘please oh please, I’ll do anything if you let me go’ I was going to offer you an ultimatum.”

 

So basically, all this really boils down to is -- “You need a favor?”

 

Obviously offended by a seemingly innocuous f-word, Haley snaps back to glaring at me. “Not a favor! A service in exchange for amnesty.” Of all the goddamned moronic ass things I’ve dealt with since moving here… WHY!?

 

“If you need a damned favor you could always -- oh, I don’t know, ask?”

 

“Please. I hate you, you hate me, together we’re constantly disappointing some creepy fucking guy in a purple dinosaur suit. Are you honestly going to lay there and tell me you’d have just agreed to help me out with something after what I’ve put you through?”

 

She has a point. A stupid, nonsensical, roundabout, resulting in attempted blackmail point, but a point nonetheless. Suppressing the urge to insult someone who can snap me like a Slim Jim further, I take a deep breath and ask, “Alright, considering things didn’t go to plan for you. Why don’t you just tell me what you need and I’ll see if it’s something I can do? Then we can just call things square and start fresh with no animosity, right?”

 

Haley’s tail dances behind her in a way that can’t possibly be considered anything but adorable. “Really?” Hopping to her feet. Haley rushes over to me before dropping a small scrap of paper in my lap. “Just come to this address tonight at five o’clock. Don’t be late or--”

 

The demoness’ latest horrifying threat against my wellbeing is interrupted by the roof door slamming open. “Haley!” Libby roars in an uncharacteristically gravelly tone. “Step away from him, now!”

 

“Wait, Libby, it’s cool. Haley and I were just talking and--”

 

A crimson wing stretches far enough to come between me and my would-be rescuer. “Oh, and what are you going to do about it, Lib? Bare your fangs at me like you did the little piggy?”

 

Peeking out from behind the makeshift curtain, I see Libby bordering on hysterics. Her jaw is set and her eyes are bulging open as her nose flares in rage. “That’s how you remember it? Really? How fucking deluded do you have to be to completely remove yourself from that fucking situation!?”

 

Haley draws in a breath, undoubtedly to continue their dramatic primetime cable reunion dialogue that casual viewers like myself only barely understand, when I feel two sets of talons grip my shoulders. “Hold on tight! Oh, guess that’s my job.” With a gust of wind lovingly handcrafted by two shockingly powerful wings, I’m catapulted up into the sky.

 

Nope. No. Uh-uh. Fuck no. On Willow's totally rational list of fears, heights is right above frogs and right below having to ask for someone’s name for the fifth time since meeting them. Needless to say, the steel-shattering scream I unleash upon the world should immediately get me a starring role on whatever slasher movie remake Hollywood decides to bleed dry next for a quick buck. “Is this really necessary?” I cry, literally, cry, at Tamara who can’t help but laugh a bit at my admittedly strong reaction.

 

“Well, if two children fight over a toy the best way to get them to cut it out is to take away the toy.” Let the record show that I resent being called a toy, thank you very much. “Besides, what’s life if you can’t have a bit of fun from time to time?”

 

In that one precious moment, I felt my mind snap just a bit. “FUN!? That’s what you think is happening here? Fun!?”

 

Tamara and I circled around the school building, slowly descending to beautiful, stable ground. She considers my words for a brief second before flashing a smile that will forever live in infamy. “You’re right, can’t really call this fun if we don’t do a barrel roll!”

 

I lost a great many things this day: my dignity, my sanity, and the ability to truthfully tell people I hadn’t shit myself since I was an infant. Yet somehow, through it all, I managed to hold onto a small scrap of paper handed to me by the very person I had just been ‘saved’ from.

 

Technically, the C-Team who arrived to rescue me interrupted before I could agree to actually help Haley with whatever it is she came to ask me about. Even so, the hastily scrawled address I’ve been given piques my curiosity, so I plug the locale into a search engine to marvel at the torment the demoness wishes to subject me to. Knowing Haley and how she usually is, I expect some seedy establishment on the fringes of society. A place where danger lurks around every corner and safely making it home is nothing but a pipe dream. When the image of my destination loads up, I realize just how wrong I am. This isn’t at all what I expected… it’s much, much worse.